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July Chit Chat - Page 7

post #121 of 272

Anthea~ That's terrible! I would be shaken up also.  I remember when my only friend passed away from H1N1, i got a christmas card from his wife ( he stayed at home with his 2girls who were the same age as my kids, we met at the park and he was about the same age as my dad) Reading the letter seemed like a horrible dream. :( and really got to me at the time since he was so close in age to my dad.

post #122 of 272
Thread Starter 

I'm sorry, Kami, that sounds awful.

 

Yesterday on NPR there was a segment about how hard it is to make close friends as an adult. It's something DP and I have talked a lot about.  What do you all think? Do you make new friends easily? Are there better places to make friends as adults?

post #123 of 272
Quote:
Originally Posted by seraf View Post
Yesterday on NPR there was a segment about how hard it is to make close friends as an adult. It's something DP and I have talked a lot about.  What do you all think? Do you make new friends easily? Are there better places to make friends as adults?

It is much harder b/c friendships are often formed from mutual experiences and interests.  As children, we form them at school or in the neighborhood as we play, learn, ride bikes, grow up, go on trips, go to summer camp, play sports, etc.  At college, too, it's easy to make good friends out of roommates, classmates, teammates, etc. who share in growing experiences that shape who we are as people.   But once we leave these spheres and enter the work force it's much harder to find these experiences.  And once we become parents, often the biggest common interest is our parenthood, which can form a good bond, but I think you really have to get beyond the kids to make a truly good friend.  You have to have  the time to bond over other things like hobbies, sports, etc. and go out and do things together, go on trips, etc.  This way if your kids have a falling out for a bit, the relationship isn't ruined (has this happened to anyone else?).

 

So I don't think you need to necessarily go places to specifically meet friends, but I do think it could help to pursue other interests and meet people doing the same.  Since we've moved a LOT, I've had to work hard at making new friends.  I've gotten rather systematic about it.  I always join parenting groups first not just b/c that's easy to do, but b/c it's a great resource for information about an area.  Plus anyone you meet through a parenting group will understand the complications that kids can bring to situations like going out at night or to getting places on time.  I pursue those that seem like minded, inviting them over for playdates.  After that I work hard at meeting my neighbors.  We slowly invite everyone over to dinner to try and get to know them better.  I also introduce myself to parents at parks and the library and, this is key I think, I offer my assistance in some manner (like sharing information, watching their child while they use the bathroom, helping them with their babycarrier, etc.).  Just in the last 2 months I've made two friends that way and now we carpool to camp with one and the other is having us over for dinner while dh is out of town next week.

 

I should note, though, these are friends, but not deep friends.  In order to take it to the next level I have found it necessary to hang out frequently- doing day to day things (like helping each other cook and care for each others' kids) and doing fun things (like taking a day trip to a water park or tubing down a river).  Eventually things feel natural and you know you can count on them for anything and could drop by unannounced and stay all day.  Those are good friends.

post #124 of 272

I'm shy as can be and don't let people get close to me unless I know quite a bit about them. I didn't have any friends for almost 3 years and it was so lonely.

post #125 of 272

I had to exchange my group of friends for different people when I got together with DH.  Its an interesting question, if you consider how easily we make friends during childhood.  Ive found the biggest obstacle I have is finding people who are my age, with kids.  I cant do the things and live the life of childless 20-something's.  Of course I have my bestie- our relationship has worn years of trials and we have been through unimaginable things together.  Really, I have found the easiest way to meet people is to encourage my husband to have his friends bring their wives over. 

post #126 of 272

I went through a really hard time after I got married and pregnant. All of my current friends weren't at that stage in their life... Not even close. DH and I both struggled a lot with not having friends like we used to and no one including us in anything they did anymore. Eventually, we got used to it. We started inviting over friends that had kids and/or spouses, and that made it more bearable for us. We still don't have the social life that we used to (Not that we want that, seeing how busy we are), but we do have a few close friends we can turn to if we do ever want company now.

post #127 of 272

Off topic, but MASTITIS!  Feeling fever.gif  and hopmad.gif

post #128 of 272

I actually had a rough time making friends as a kid.  I was desperately unpopular and the butt of many a practical (and humiliating) joke.  So I don't really have these fond memories of making friends as a kid, kwim?  In high school it was a *little* easier cause there were a group of "freaks" who hung out on the porch outside my catholic school (you know, we dyed our hair and went to the Rocky Horror Picture Show among many other not-so-tame things) and I just kind of fell into that group.  But I still felt sickeningly insecure and anxious about myself.  So it's actually much easier, I think, to make friends for me now.  I don't make a TON of them, but I have fewer, closer, more genuine friends in my life now.  I made a friend at a prenatal yoga class last year, for example.  Also, I have zero tolerance for bullsh*t now so I don't waste my time hanging out with people who bug me, like I used to.  So I only pursue friendships with people I really, really like.  And true, deep, lasting friendships take a lot of time and effort (like Jaimee said) so I just have a handful of fulfilling ones.  And I'm not so dang angsty about myself like I used to be (well, not AS angsty, at least smile.gif).

 

Anthea, NOOOO! Ouch! I'm so sorry!

post #129 of 272
Quote:
Originally Posted by dashley111 View Post

I had to exchange my group of friends for different people when I got together with DH.  Its an interesting question, if you consider how easily we make friends during childhood.  Ive found the biggest obstacle I have is finding people who are my age, with kids.  I cant do the things and live the life of childless 20-something's.  Of course I have my bestie- our relationship has worn years of trials and we have been through unimaginable things together.  Really, I have found the easiest way to meet people is to encourage my husband to have his friends bring their wives over. 

If you don't mind me asking, why did you have to change your group of friends when you met your DH?

post #130 of 272
Quote:
Originally Posted by Becky Wheeler View Post

If you don't mind me asking, why did you have to change your group of friends when you met your DH?

 

 

Because my moral compass was....lets just say "off", and he was a good gentle minded hippy who came from the Cleavers and had (and still has) a very good moral base.  It was not a bad thing.  He made me be a better person and a better mother to my son by giving me the opportunity to be the parent I never could with my ex.   He just wouldn't tolerate certain things I could find ways to justify even though I shouldn't.  I was a single mom to a toddler and living out all that youth I had missed being a pregnant teen and having a baby.  I was just, simply put, being an ass.  And he was the only person who would say, "hey, your being an ass, you shouldn't do that".  And asses hang with other asses.  I don't miss those people at all.

post #131 of 272

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Edited by jbk21 - 10/6/12 at 10:19pm
post #132 of 272
Quote:
Originally Posted by dashley111 View Post

 

 

Because my moral compass was....lets just say "off", and he was a good gentle minded hippy who came from the Cleavers and had (and still has) a very good moral base.  It was not a bad thing.  He made me be a better person and a better mother to my son by giving me the opportunity to be the parent I never could with my ex.   He just wouldn't tolerate certain things I could find ways to justify even though I shouldn't.  I was a single mom to a toddler and living out all that youth I had missed being a pregnant teen and having a baby.  I was just, simply put, being an ass.  And he was the only person who would say, "hey, your being an ass, you shouldn't do that".  And asses hang with other asses.  I don't miss those people at all.

Oh okay. That makes sense. LOL'ing at "gentle minded hippy who came from the Cleavers" ROTFLMAO.gif I didn't mean to pry, I was just curious Sheepish.gif

post #133 of 272
Quote:

Originally Posted by Jaimee View Post

 

  This way if your kids have a falling out for a bit, the relationship isn't ruined (has this happened to anyone else?).

 

 

Um... yes! Unfortunately. When dd1 was around a year old I started hanging out with a group of AP moms I met here on MDC. You know, back when the C stood for Commune rather that Community. Lol! Anyway, we met weekly for a long time. At least until dd2 was walking. Plus, I made a super close, BFF like friend. Unfortunately, as our kids aged it was tough to stay together. Some moms want to micro-manage every interaction. Some moms are hypersensitive to physical play, viewing everything as violence. Some moms think their precious kiddo can do no wrong. And so on. Pretty soon, you have moms arguing at the playground over facilitating a non-violent communication based dialogue between two toddlers. Or maybe it was just my group! ROTFLMAO.gifAnyway, it didn't last. 

 

I got especially burned, though, as the mom of a semi-SN kid. Dd1 has always been a bit odd. Sometimes her interactions were less than appropriate. Few moms want their kid to suck it up and have to play nice with the kid who is different. So I lost my super close mom friend in that way. You can't really save a friendship after someone tells you they don't want your kid around theirs. 

 

I'm a bit gun shy on the mom friends now. My bff from forever has a 3 yo and 1 yo, so that's cool. I'm sort of friendly with some of the moms with girls in my Girl Scout troop. Occasional text message, hang out talking after meeting friendly. No more than that. I had work friends, but it's hard to hold on to that once you quit. 

 

I'd like to have more friends. It's fairly easy for me to make friends- I'm outgoing and funny. But I don't really want mom friends in a way... after my experience with dd1, I don't want to deal with that again. Sigh. Another big road block is dh. He claims he has no time for socializing. Plus, if I try to get us to hang out with another couple, he says he has nothing in common with them. I think he is just anti-social. Oh well. Maybe that will change in the future. 

post #134 of 272
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Also, I have zero tolerance for bullsh*t now so I don't waste my time hanging out with people who bug me,

 

Yeah, I have had this issue a few times. I can't stand drama.  

 

Sara moved here to be with me, so she had to start fresh, and this is basically her first home after college, so she's feeling it bad.  We have made a few mom friends, but they're not close friends (yet?) Part of our issue is that we live so far away from a city.  We live in a small village 1/2 an hour from a college town, one of the friends we have made lives half an hour from that town, the other way.  We are just now trying to make the jump to hanging out more ,an hour drive tho? We need to do more with meeting our neighbors, really.

 

Anthea, Grape Seed extract. It's an anti-inflamatory. Point his chin toward the infected duct. There are also some homeopathies, but Grape Seed Extract and positional nursing have worked wonders for me11 out of the 12 times I had it (I took the wrong thing the first time, that's why I'm very specific about Grape Seed Extract). Antibiotics if that doesn't kick it quickly.

post #135 of 272
Quote:
Originally Posted by seraf View Post

 

Yeah, I have had this issue a few times. I can't stand drama.  

 

Sara moved here to be with me, so she had to start fresh, and this is basically her first home after college, so she's feeling it bad.  We have made a few mom friends, but they're not close friends (yet?) Part of our issue is that we live so far away from a city.  We live in a small village 1/2 an hour from a college town, one of the friends we have made lives half an hour from that town, the other way.  We are just now trying to make the jump to hanging out more ,an hour drive tho? We need to do more with meeting our neighbors, really.

 

 

Aw... that's tough. Are there any meet-ups where you are? Interesting book clubs via the library? Home/unschooling groups? I would think it would be tough in such a small place. Is it very conservative? I always think small towns are... blush.gif That would be hard for me. I have to agree on some basic things with my friends. I'm not talking the future of social security or anything, but some basic human rights/ respect for all people kinda things.

 

You could always talk her into taking my dh's perspective. He says to me, "You're my best friend. What else do I need?" Cute, but not so much... 

post #136 of 272
Thread Starter 

The college town is fairly liberal. It's like a hippie mecca. She is more like a hipster. Chicken nuggets and bacon are a food group and she wouldn't eat most vegetables if they jumped down her throat, so it's kind of funny seeing her hang out with veggies and locavores. She definatly doesn't feel like she fits in here. She actually started going to the hillel to meet some other Jews. Our town is too small to tell.  There are meet ups at the college town, it's just that no one really wants to drive all the way out here. We spend a lot of time down there, but we're always trying to save gas and such.  Next year I want to get bike seats for the boys and take more advantage of the great bike path that connects the college town to the next town over (7 miles from us, but down a "highway" and I don't feel like it's a very safe bike ride.)  

 

I don't have any close friends who live nearby, am totally cool with it.  I think she is a different cookie, tho. 

post #137 of 272

 RE Mom Friends : I  had a few friends that i made through a babywearing group when we lived in long beach but then we moved away. I now live near my one good friend from high school and our kids are close in age are oldest girls are 4 months apart and our youngest are 6months apart * her kids are the older ones*. I've started to sorta make friends with the neighbor whose two boys are the same age as my older kids. I seem to have a hard time making friends also and it sucks.

post #138 of 272

Making friends... it's interesting as an adult. DH and I still live in the town we were born and raised in. Our close group of friends consists of the same people it did in high school. We have lost touch and reconnected a couple of times through the years. We are all definitely closer now than we were then. One of our good friends, the woman was my best friend as a child. We lost touch through middle school and high school and reconnected as adults. Another one, I was friends with from about 4th-7th grade, lost touch through high school and reconnected when we both got pregnant at the same time (with DD1). Another, I was best friends with in high school, lost touch for a few years after high school and reconnected when we ended up in a lot of the same college classes. Another, I knew in high school but wasn't very close to. We started carpooling to college together. Somehow, all of us have become very close friends and see each other frequently. We have kids the same age, so that helps.

 

Nicole, DH and I went through a lot of that right after we got married. None of our friends were married or even coupled up together. We didn't have any couple friends to hang out with and it's hard to be in on the party scene when you're married. Our friends caught up with us eventually and we're close again now. It was lonely for a couple of years though. I didn't even have a baby or kids to keep my occupied. I smoked a lot of pot though, so I guess that helped pass the time, haha!

 

There are some people in town that I have made sort-of friends with and I'm realizing it is so hard to make friends as an adult! We already have this set of friends and it's hard to bring new people into that even when we want to. And it's hard to find time to hang out with anyone that isn't in our regular group of friends. We just don't know if everyone will like each other or if they'll disapprove of anything we (or any of our friends) do. DD1's best friend's mom is someone I get along with pretty well and have wondered if we could be friends, like girls' night out or something without the kids. But it's hard to tell if someone is receptive to that or if she's fine with just getting together with the kids. Gosh, it's like dating all over again except none of the fun stuff, haha!

post #139 of 272

Today is a crazy day over here. I'm getting the full taste of mobile baby-ness. Sora may as well be walking because she's crawling and standing up/side-stepping fast enough that she's touching everything she can that I haven't blocked from her reach. She's chasing a cat's tail right now. Poor cat. LOL. I experienced my first baby-wrestling earlier to change a dirty diaper... Wowza. I was nearly sweating after that one! bigeyes.gif Then I was bending over her to blow raspberries on her belly, and she decided to do a sit-up at the exact moment I went in for the belly... *head bang* Yeahhhh she started wailing and now has a big red bump on her forehead. Oops!

 

RE: Friends. I have IRL friends that I've met as a lifetime student redface.gif, through work over the years, through other friends, out on walks with the baby/chatting up neighbors, and those I've met online and became friends with IRL. I only have one friend I still keep in contact with occasionally from my teens and younger, and she moved across the country so we're pretty distant now. I find that friendships seem to always evolve as both parties age... I wouldn't even get along now with most of the people I hung out with earlier in my 20's. And that's why we went our separate ways! I make more meaningful friendships now that I am in my mid/late 20's and know who I am and what I want. And right now as a mom? I love IRL mom friends for hangouts with our kids, but I don't have any BFF mom friends yet. I'm not as interested in making more super good friends right now, whereas I used to want more and more and more all the time! I'm so busy now, I value alone time a lot more, and I just don't feel like socializing as much. I'm cool with that. Once every other week is enough for me. Friendships are a lot more work to maintain as a busy mommy, whew.

post #140 of 272

Oh I feel you on the mobility thing!  Bettie isn't crawling at ALL but is standing up on everything she can try to...and lots of things she shouldn't.  Yesterday I put ODD's guitar in front of her to try to get her to play the strings a little and quit crying for 30 whole seconds while I moved our record player downstairs.  So while I was downstairs for 30 seconds she stood up on it, it slipped across the floor, and now she has 2 perfect guitar string marks on her forehead eyesroll.gif  And on the OTHER side she has another little bruise from falling head first into the hearth.

 

My really big concern is that she looks the size of an average 3-4 month old, and that is how old people generally think she is before they ask.  Now she is going to have these bruises on her when she looks like she is not at an age of mobility.  I can just see the stares from people thinking "how in the world did that baby get those bruises?". 

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