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Threats with knives - WWYD? - Page 6

post #101 of 166

Stormbride, keep in mind that everything you post here is public.  I have a feeling that some here are trying to get more information to use against you in the guise of offering "support."   

post #102 of 166
Just checking in to see how you all are doing this morning.

I have to be honest here. All my talk about getting up with the alarm clock? Ummm. Well.... I didn't even hear it this morning. I didn't get up till 8:30! Omg! To some that doesn't seem bad but for me it is. My animals were pissed off this morning! Cows were bellowing loud enough to be heard in China, goats were whining, horses were stomping and making loud horse noises. Loretta's udder was so full it looked like it was going to explode. Oops!

Everyone was looking at me with a "WTF dude?" look on their faces.

I'm way behind schedule today. Thankfully there's nothing pressing to do today or I'd really be screwed. Lmao!

SB, can you share the things that are going well in your life? Maybe we can brainstorm on how to build on those things so that the bad things don't seem so overwhelming?

What are the things you want to change? We can figure out plans to help you implement those changes.

I know your anxiety about making the call tomorrow is probably ramping up. What can I do to help you work through it so that when you make the call you can make yourself be heard? If you want my cell number, I'll send it. I can cheerlead you tomorrow morning before you call and then be a support for after. Making this call is going to be hard, no doubt about it. I'm available to help in anyway you need.

I'm here for you. I do care. Not only about your DS, but about you too.
post #103 of 166

DragonFlyBlue - you are part of the discussion on the 'trolls' mdc spinoff forum where Stormbrides personal pictures and information is being passed around, along with talk of calling social services on her, no?

post #104 of 166
Stormbride, I want to second the recommendation (from dragonflyblue, I think) to write a script for the phone calls you need to make. I have huge anxiety issue wrt the phone, particularly when it comes to making calls to make appointments and this really helps me. It seems ridiculous while I'm writing it down, but it really does help to have that paper in front of me that says, "Hi, my name is Jeri X. My son is a patient of Dr. Y and I'm calling to schedule an appointment for Z. We prefer mid-morning appointments and we can't make it on Fridays," or something like that. I also make sure I have the insurance information, social security numbers, anything they might ask for written on the page and clearly labelled. The phone calls never end up being as bad as my anxiety convinces me they'll be, either eyesroll.gif .

I've been following this thread, but haven't posted because I didn't really know what to say. It sounds like your in a bad place mentally/emotionally right now. It also sounds like you have some health/pain issues going on, and that can make everything else seem exponentially worse. I remember how defeating it felt when my back was really messed up and I could barely walk to the bathroom for months, let alone chase my kids around. I'm concerned, though, that you might have physical/health issues that aren't being addressed due to your fear of doctors. Do you have ANY health care providers you trust, even a little? Family, friends, friends of friends? Someone who can make a recommendation for you. I know your phobia is severe, but I'd hate for you to miss out on treatment that could actually help for what sounds like chronic pain and exhaustion. Forgive me if I've misinterpreted anything you've posted here - it's hard to tell what's going on in someone's life from a few posts on the internet.
Edited by eclipse - 7/8/12 at 10:42am
post #105 of 166
I'm a member there. I have been for years. Is there a thread there. Yes. If you are a member there and can read, you can see that I've said the same things there that I have said here. So have other posters on this thread.

I'm not seeking information to try and hurt SB. I'm trying to help. I've put very personal info of my own on this thread in my attempts to be a support. Do I get frustrated? Yup. I said that here as well.

I think your posts are more of an attempt to stir up a mess than to be supportive or helpful. What's your objective? Have YOU posted anything to this thread aside from your dire warnings? Have YOU stepped out of your comfort zone and laid bare your heart to help? I think not. I'm damn well sure I have.

SB needs support. I'm offering that. I'm talking to her about my own fears of medical professionals. I'm talking to her about my own challenges in parenting my kids with special needs. I've blown up once on this thread and then reposted when I was calmer and able to offer sincere help and support. I'm human. I get upset. My mouth (fingers) can spout off before my brain catches up.

I've not apologized for my earlier lapse in compassion and my harsh tone. I'm doing that now.

SB, I'm truly sorry I posted yesterday in a harsh, unsupportive way. It was wrong. I should have stepped away before I opened my mouth and said mean things.

I'm not sorry for trying to be a support person. I'm sorry that I didn't handle my words better yesterday when I posted I was frustrated and a bit angry.
post #106 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by One_Girl View Post

This thread has been on my mind and I want to offer hugs to you (I can't find the icon). I found it hard to admit my dd needed outside help and her problem is just academic. I feel a lot of guilt and I want to cry or scream (usually both) after each time I talked to her teacher because she tried to see problems in all academic areas despite grades and test scores being fine. Our lives and my education was put on hold with intense interventions and pricey outside tutoring. I have an end in sight though and I really can barely imagine how hard it would be to have to admit your child might have a permanent and serious behavior problem that will require extreme changes for a large family that had been running mostly smoothly. I think it is good for you to admit your worries and not just jump in to getting a diagnosis. As a homeschooling mom you don't have to worry so much about the labeling that happens with a diagnosis, but from what I remember as a child doctors put intense pressure on patient and parent to comply and not question. I really think a child psychologist is a better place to start, they can't drug and may be able to help you with next steps if they truly are necessary.

 

Actually, a local MDCer sent me a PM with some info on a multi-disciplinary assessment team. There was another one I was looking at, but it's priced at over $2K, and we simply can't come up with that right now. The one the MDC member sent me info on is paid for by provinicial medical. I still need a referral, and don't know if I can get my doctor to go that route or not, but I'm going to try for it. Whatever is going on with ds2, he's very high functioning, and his issues are subtle. I'd really like a thorough assessment from one of the clinics (I don't know if they're actually called clinics, but I don't know what else to call them). I have a friend who has a grown daughter with autism, and she was assessed at this same place. His younger child was misdiagnosed/assessed as also having autism, at another location. My friend didn't think they were right, and took his son back the same clinic I'm talking about (the one I want to take ds2 to, and which diagnosed his daughter), and they determined that his son isn't on the spectrum, and correctly identified his issues. (I'm going to assume it was correct, because when they started work with him based on the new diagnosis, the situation improved. It hadn't previously, with the autism diagnosis.)

 

I don't know if any of that made sense.`

 

I've been almost 100% sure that ds2 has something going on for a few years now. The problem is that he goes through reasonably long spells where his behaviour is close enough to "normal" to make me feel as if I'm over-reacting, and he's really okay. Then, something like the knives comes up, and it's like "oh, yeah - there really is something going on".

post #107 of 166
So glad someone pm'd you info you can really use. Have a great day Lisa.
post #108 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post

DS has huge energy levels. Huge! If I could harness his energy and convert it to power? We could run our house, barn and well off of it. :s
I can relate - dd1 and ds2 are both like that. (Actually dd1 is even more high energy than ds2, when I stop to think about it - she's just more naturally gifted at finding non destructive ways to channel it.)

The yu gi oh cards are fun. DS has friends with them and has been asking for some. I owe him a pack of pokemon cards so maybe he'd like those instead. I promised him a pack if he learned to tie his shoes. I've been trying to get him to learn for years. We made a deal and he learned over the weekend! NEVER underestimate the power of bribery!
Yeah - ds2 and I played a few "one on one battles" last night. He really enjoyed it. But, most of the cards he was using were ones his cousin accidentally left at the party. I need to return those in the next day or two, which will leave ds2 with only one. He had a great time playing with his cousins, though...and then he got to teach me. He always likes being the one who knows stuff.

I never order pizza on the phone. I order it online. Yes, we are in the boonies but our small town has a dominoes and they deliver! Score!
I'd do that, except that we have a place across the street. We can walk over to pick it up and have our pizza on the table 15 minutes after we order. And, they dont' have online olrdering. The place that does is Pizza Hut. I really like Pizza Hut...but it's way more money, and much slower. Usually, if we're doing pizza, it's at leats partly because the day got away from us (happens when I'm at homelearning meetup longer than I expected, for instance), and it's getting late.

Doctor fear is real. When we lost our daughter, she had been to therapy a few days prior. We had everything locked up. Scissors, medications, ropes, anything we thought could be used for self harm or suicide. At that last appointment, she was upset that we didn't trust her to be safe. She had been safe for months. No suicidal thoughts, no self harm.
Her therapist thought it would be a show of trust to unlock things.
Dh unlocked everything on a Friday while I was on bedrest following our IVF embryo transfer. Monday morning she was dead.
Like I have said, I get it.
It's not rational. Dd was determined. She would have found a way no matter what. But we trusted the judgment of her therapist. We lost her.
hug2.gif
I can't even begin to imagine going through that.

My back was really bad a few months ago. My dr sent me to a specialist. I spent more time waiting for him than I did for the visit. He said his spiel after looking at my numerous test results, stood up, shook my hand and started to leave. He seemed annoyed that I started asking questions. I told my dr that he sucked and she should refer to someone else. She agreed.
Blah blah blah. For someone posting from a phone I sure ramble a lot. Ha!
Oh- does your DS like dragons? If you have an iPhone, iPod or iPad I can tell you some fun games he might like. Those might work as motivators or rewards. There's a few games DS loves that your boy might.
hmm...ds2 does like dragons, but maybe I should just resort to more bribery. It's never been an approach I used very much, but it might work well with him. "Do X, you can play Jumpstart" kind of thing. (I was going to say I have no "i" electronics, but I forgot about my iPod - I haven't used it much lately>)

If you want someone to look over your script for the call on Monday, you can pm it to me. I'd be happy to go over it and offer ideas or suggestions if you'd like.
I'm off to bed. Almost midnight and I'm worn out. It was my cows birthday today so we had a party for him. That with everything else we did today? I'm beat!

 

There's something about having a birthday party for a cow that kind of rocks my world. I'm not kidding. That's awesome! DD1 would be all over it. (When we released butterflies last week, she insisted on a funeral for the chrysalis of the one butterfly that never emerged. She's very ceremonial about her dealings with animals...even little, little ones.)

post #109 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post

I'm a member there. I have been for years. Is there a thread there. Yes. If you are a member there and can read, you can see that I've said the same things there that I have said here. So have other posters on this thread.
I'm not seeking information to try and hurt SB. I'm trying to help. I've put very personal info of my own on this thread in my attempts to be a support. Do I get frustrated? Yup. I said that here as well.
I think your posts are more of an attempt to stir up a mess than to be supportive or helpful. What's your objective? Have YOU posted anything to this thread aside from your dire warnings? Have YOU stepped out of your comfort zone and laid bare your heart to help? I think not. I'm damn well sure I have.
SB needs support. I'm offering that. I'm talking to her about my own fears of medical professionals. I'm talking to her about my own challenges in parenting my kids with special needs. I've blown up once on this thread and then reposted when I was calmer and able to offer sincere help and support. I'm human. I get upset. My mouth (fingers) can spout off before my brain catches up.
I've not apologized for my earlier lapse in compassion and my harsh tone. I'm doing that now.
SB, I'm truly sorry I posted yesterday in a harsh, unsupportive way. It was wrong. I should have stepped away before I opened my mouth and said mean things.
I'm not sorry for trying to be a support person. I'm sorry that I didn't handle my words better yesterday when I posted I was frustrated and a bit angry.

 

I remember you from a few years ago very well. Even though I lost my cool, I appreciate your posts. You've always been one of my favourite people here, and I was sorry when you (mostly) left. It's cool - really.

 

I had a bad head cold and headache on Thursday. It was one of those days when I just wanted to stay in bed (and please note that I've never just stayed in bed - on the one occasion when I was genuinely too sick to actively parent dd1 and ds2, I was on the couch, and still managed things like diaper changes, basic food, etc. - I just let the dumping whole boxes of cereal go - and that was...six years ago, maybe?). It was the day I posted this thread. It was the day dd2 knocked over our floor lamp and smashed the glass shade. It was just an all around crappy day. I posted here, looking for some way to deal with ds2 beyond "give me those or I'll paddle your butt" and I wasn't expecting the dogpile, and I didn't cope with it very well.

 

I'm still a little pissed at the people on this thread who seem to be making up my life out of whole cloth (staying in bed, laying around all day, not educating my kids, etc. etc.). I'm not so bent about the advice, even the stuff that won't work for me, or was phrased really obnoxiously. I know I have a tendency to put things in a very emphatic way, and it doesn't always come across quite the way I mean it.

post #110 of 166

I'm sorry that I over reacted to your thread. I admit that I painted a picture in my head based on the info you have shared over the years here. You aren't a terrible person, and neither am I. I understand that you can't clarify everything about your life to strangers over the internet.  My post came out of a sense of urgency that you and your kids needed help. I know it wasn't helpful and I'm sorry. 

post #111 of 166
The cow party consisted of us brushing him down, singing the birthday song to him and giving him a bucket of grain. The twins wanted to put a candle in his hay for him to blow out. Hello fire risk? Lmao!!

Today dd is having a birthday party for her favorite stuffed animal. She made invitations for her friends and everything. I nixed ordering a birthday cake. She's making box mix brownies instead.

Dragon story and dragonvale are both fun iPod games. He might like those.

Did you see my post about using pokemon cards as bribery? Maybe you can do that with the yu go oh cards instead? It couldn't hurt to try.

As for the posts inkster made, ignore them. Someone is trying to stir up trouble where there is none. No calls to CPS are being made. And certainly not from me. I'm not out to get you and I don't think anyone else is. Inkster seems to think that for whatever reason and he/she can go fly a kite.
post #112 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post

Just checking in to see how you all are doing this morning.
I have to be honest here. All my talk about getting up with the alarm clock? Ummm. Well.... I didn't even hear it this morning. I didn't get up till 8:30! Omg! To some that doesn't seem bad but for me it is. My animals were pissed off this morning! Cows were bellowing loud enough to be heard in China, goats were whining, horses were stomping and making loud horse noises. Loretta's udder was so full it looked like it was going to explode. Oops!
Everyone was looking at me with a "WTF dude?" look on their faces.
I'm way behind schedule today. Thankfully there's nothing pressing to do today or I'd really be screwed. Lmao!
This actually made me laugh out loud - because dd2 woke me up at about 6:45 (earlier than usual)...and ds2 didnt' get up until almost 9:00 (later than usual). So, I actually was up before him!

SB, can you share the things that are going well in your life? Maybe we can brainstorm on how to build on those things so that the bad things don't seem so overwhelming?
Decluttering. It's going slowly, but we're making progress, and I don't agonize over everything anymore. (I used to have conscience attacks over throwing out a jigsaw puzzle because the "home" puzzle might still be around, or throwing out a 1cm stub of a crayoh, because that was "wasteful", or throwing away a sock/mitten/slipper that I hadn't seen the mate for in a year and a half, because the mate might still be around - you probably get the picture. I'm so glad I don't do that, anymore - it makes cleaning and decluttering, even a little bit, into an amazingly slow and painful process...and it's hard to find a place to put all those orphan items!)
Homeschooling - field trips (love hitting the aquarium, etc. when it's not busy), home experiments, like building volcancoes, growing butteflies from caterpillars, etc. We may be renting an incubator and hatching some chicks next year. I love all that stuff.
Friends - I have some amazing people in my local homeschooling community. They absolutely rock. I have more social support than I've ever had before.
Lots of little stuff. (Some of this is what I'm worried about losing if I need to implement a lot of structure and routine, especially as dd1 really thrives with it.) I love being able to spontaneously say, "hey - you guys want to go to Beatty and see the blue whale skeleton?", being able to hang in our PJs for half a day if we're all feeling a bit run down (since people seem to think I sit on my ass all the time, I'll point out that I can wash dishes, make meals, do laundry, etc. in my PJs...and do), being able to just start a craft project, because dd1 wants to do one. I just love the flexibility of scheduling that we have. (We do have some schedule, as the kids are always in some activities and such - it's just really loose.)
DH. Nothing to do there, really. We have our little bumps, like any couple, but he's amazing. I'd say he's my rock, but rocks don't do it for me, yk?
Food. We eat really well - almost everything from scratch (previous comments about pizza, notwithstanding). My kids eat more veggies than almost any kid I know. DD1, in particular, thinks a lot about the nutritional content of her food, and what constitutes a balanced meal. DS2 operates on the "why can't I have four bananas, three apples, five plums and a whole box of strawberries - if a little is good, a lot is better" approach, but I think he's getting it a bit.
Choir. We're on summer break, but it's excellent "me time" and has pushed my comfort zone hard...and it's fun to hear the kids singing my repertoire around the house. smile.gif

What are the things you want to change? We can figure out plans to help you implement those changes.
Honestly, I mostly want to find more energy and mental focus. I'm way too easily distracted, and tired all the time.  If possible, I need to close the diastasis in my abs, and just...forget about my exercises for days at a time (am doing them right now, because my post reminded me). I need to get shoes. I keep letting that slide, but it's really becoming crucial. The one pair I have is hurting my feet, and full of holes. That's definitely affecting my activity level! Get some help for ds2 - definitely need to stop doing the "I'm just over-reacting" thing. I should also look into mother's helper. Actually, I could probably pay my nephew (17) for a couple days a week this summer...hmm...wonder if he'd go for it...

I know your anxiety about making the call tomorrow is probably ramping up. What can I do to help you work through it so that when you make the call you can make yourself be heard? If you want my cell number, I'll send it. I can cheerlead you tomorrow morning before you call and then be a support for after. Making this call is going to be hard, no doubt about it. I'm available to help in anyway you need.
I actually just remembered that one of my homeschool friends is planning to visit tomorrow. I'll make the call after she gets here. Her son is one of ds2's three real friends, and she's really supportive. (She was here on Thursday, too - came in about two minutes after dd2 knocked over the lamp, and helped me clean up glass and wrangle kids. her timing was superb! She's also under directions from me to nag me about calling the doctor.
I'm here for you. I do care. Not only about your DS, but about you too.
hug2.gif
post #113 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post

The cow party consisted of us brushing him down, singing the birthday song to him and giving him a bucket of grain. The twins wanted to put a candle in his hay for him to blow out. Hello fire risk? Lmao!!
Today dd is having a birthday party for her favorite stuffed animal. She made invitations for her friends and everything. I nixed ordering a birthday cake. She's making box mix brownies instead.
Dragon story and dragonvale are both fun iPod games. He might like those.
Did you see my post about using pokemon cards as bribery? Maybe you can do that with the yu go oh cards instead? It couldn't hurt to try.
As for the posts inkster made, ignore them. Someone is trying to stir up trouble where there is none. No calls to CPS are being made. And certainly not from me. I'm not out to get you and I don't think anyone else is. Inkster seems to think that for whatever reason and he/she can go fly a kite.

 

I know from some previous experiences that posting on the net isn't always that safe. (My SIL took it upon herself to come here, solely to read my posts, after Aaron died, then took a printout of some of them to my mom, to get my mom to "do something". I have no idea what she was supposed to do, as this was after my baby had already died, but...yeah.)  I also know for a fact that someone else was badmouthing me a few years ago - don't even remember if it was on TWWS or somewhere else. Yeah - it sucked. But, it really doesn't bother me. If people think they know everything that goes on in my life, from the fact that I post (mostly) the crappy stuff, I can't do anything about that.

 

I hope nobody calls CPS. I don't need the stress, and neither do my kids. But, if they do, they do. We'll manage, one way or another. As much as it freaks me out, a worker coming here would see three happy, bright, healthy kids (they probably wouldn't see ds1, as he's not home that much, but he's also outside their mandate, being 19), a fridge and pantry full of healthy food, and a house roughly as messy as one would expect, when a three year old tornado is busily pulling things off shelves, dumping cereal, etc. We stay mostly on top of it (certainly no food on the floor), but it's not a showplace. If people think we never leave the house, there are lots of neighbours, friends, extended family, teachers, etc. who could prove them wrong - heck, the cashiers at the big grocery store all know me, and mostly know my kids.

post #114 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post

Stormbride, I want to second the recommendation (from dragonflyblue, I think) to write a script for the phone calls you need to make. I have huge anxiety issue wrt the phone, particularly when it comes to making calls to make appointments and this really helps me. It seems ridiculous while I'm writing it down, but it really does help to have that paper in front of me that says, "Hi, my name is Jeri X. My son is a patient of Dr. Y and I'm calling to schedule an appointment for Z. We prefer mid-morning appointments and we can't make it on Fridays," or something like that. I also make sure I have the insurance information, social security numbers, anything they might ask for written on the page and clearly labelled. The phone calls never end up being as bad as my anxiety convinces me they'll be, either eyesroll.gif .
The script suggestion was brilliant! I can't believe I never thought of it before. It's probably because I've always tended to store info in my head, instead of making notes. I need to stop that, as I forget things too much.

I've been following this thread, but haven't posted because I didn't really know what to say. It sounds like your in a bad place mentally/emotionally right now. It also sounds like you have some health/pain issues going on, and that can make everything else seem exponentially worse. I remember how defeating it felt when my back was really messed up and I could barely walk to the bathroom for months, let alone chase my kids around. I'm concerned, though, that you might have physical/health issues that aren't being addressed due to your fear of doctors. Do you have ANY health care providers you trust, even a little? Family, friends, friends of friends? Someone who can make a recommendation for you. I know your phobia is severe, but I'd hate for you to miss out on treatment that could actually help for what sounds like chronic pain and exhaustion. Forgive me if I've misinterpreted anything you've posted here - it's hard to tell what's going on in someone's life from a few posts on the internet.

 

The real pain is the back, and it's really intermittent. It hadn't bothered me in weeks and flared up again about...Tuesday, I think. It seems to be receding a bit now. It's my sacroiliac joint, and, so far, it doesn't get bad if I baby it. (My first flare up was on the way back from ds1's gymnastics championships in...early March, I think, 2010. That one pretty much crippled me until I got physio - think you call it physical therapy in the US, and the therapist gave me some basic exercises to try when it flares up...and rest with ice. I haven't had it get that bad since.) I can self-treat it easily (and I did see my doctor when it first happened - that's how I got the referral for physio).

 

The other pain is feet and knees, and muscle tension. I've always had serious issues with muscle tension, and they're getting worse as I get older. My feet and knees are mostly a combination of being overweight, and spending my whole life in shoes that don't fit. There's really not a lot that can be done with it. Once I get new shoes (hmm...that's coming up a lot - think this has been limiting me more than I'd realized!), and can do more walking and such, it should improve somewhat.

I was having menstrual migraines for about a year. Those almost drove me insane, and definitely negatively impacted my parenting. After I started eating sunflower seeds again, they vanished. After digging around online, I figured out that I probably had a magnesium deficiency and the seeds fixed it. It wasn't intentional, but I'm glad it happened!

 

My biggest issue is the fatigue. I feel as if I'm anemic, but my bloodwork (had it done about a year ago, but was just as tired then) came back okay. I think it's really just the cumulative effect of four pregnancies and c-sections in six years, breastfeeding, and sleep deprivation. DD2 stopped waking me up 3X a night about 6-7 months ago, which has helped a little. I also need to drink more water. I always used to, but I've been pretty bad ever since I had ds2. The nerve damage to my bladder really messed me up, and I started to avoid fluids, so I just don't have to deal with it....really dumb move! I've been making a conscious effort to drink more, but I don't always remember. I'm sure the dehydration isn't helping.

post #115 of 166
People who have depression usually see everything with a more negative attitude. They cannot imagine that any problem or situation can be solved in a positive way.

Symptoms of depression can include:

Agitation, restlessness, and irritability

Becoming withdrawn or isolated

Difficulty concentrating

Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss

Fatigue and lack of energy

Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness


Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt

Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed

Thoughts of death or suicide

Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping



Are you sure you aren't depressed? Because it does look like it from the outside. My mother always had what she called "stop signs" everywhere. My brother need help, but it required talking to people she didnt like:stop sign. We needed a new item but the house was too cluttered and she couldnt figure out space for it: stop sign. She couldnt control when we woke up and went to bed: stop sign.

This idea that no matter what you do, you have no control over your own life or what happens is, to me, a big symptom of depression. I know you don't like doctors, but it may be worth while to medicate so you can pull yourself out of this funk and get some changes happening in your house. I know you've dealt with a lot, and I know how doctors make you feel, saying you don't want their help isn't getting you anywhere. Whose help DO you want?
post #116 of 166
Sounds like there are a lot of fun things going on at your place!

I know you have a fear of doctors. How do you feel about the ob who helped you through your pregnancy with Jenna? Is he/she someone you have a bit of trust in? If so maybe you could go in and have a blood panel drawn. Check your thyroid, your progesterone levels and all that jazz? My body produces too much estrogen and not enough progesterone. I was fighting fatigue and the mental clarity you struggle with. The progesterone pills she gave me have helped so much! I take an anti-depressant that also helps with my anxiety. Between those two things, I've made great progress.

You may have some physical or hormonal things going on that can be causing some of your problems. If you can get that addressed it could help you so much. Again, it means facing your fears and finding inner strength. I know you have that in you. How do I know? You lost a child. You lost your precious son and here you are, breathing, living. You didn't give up your life to your pain. You may have lost your bearings, but you are still here. Still loving your family, still waking up each day. Still looking for joy in the small things.

That takes incredible inner strength! You have it! You need to latch on to it and let it guide you in ways to help yourself and your family get to where you want to be.

As for routine in my life? If it sounds like I'm a drill Sargent, I'm so not! I'm very fly by the seat of my pants. There are some things that are routine. But much of our days are spent spent doing whatever strikes our fancy. I get up each morning and do my barn chores, feed the animals, milk the cow and go back up to the house. I filter the milk, take the cream out, wash my milking pails and then the day is open for anything we want to do. I'm back down in the barn between 5-6 pm for night feeds and chores. They don't take too long unless I sit on my phone. Lmao!!!


I am making trips down with the kids every four hours to feed some orphaned goats of the neighbors but once they are old enough to not have milk anymore, they will go back home.

As for shoes, just do it. Get online today and order them. Don't think of it as a chore that has to be done. Think of it as a perk, a treat for yourself. Something to do just for you! Don't think about going for walks or exercising or what the shoes will be for. Just get them. As a special something for you. You deserve to have a decent pair of shoes. Treat yourself!

I know what youean about your dh. Rock isn't the right word. My dh and I have been through hell. We've come close to giving up. But he is my best friend. My support person, I draw strength from him when I can't find my own. He is my world. He makes it possible for mento get through the hard things. I am so glad you have that with James! Never let that go.


I'm glad you have support people, ones who will call you out if needed or nudge you when needed. My mom is crazy. Her support consists of tearinge down and pointing out my flaws. My sister though? She is amazing! She is an LCSW and used to work for cps. She can call me out while being supportive. She can say the things I need to hear in gentle, loving ways. She is such a great sister! I'm so blessed to have gotten closer to her and having her be more of a presence in my life.

I have such empathy for you. I will admit that I haven't always had that. You know that saying about shit biting you on the ass to give you clarity and even humble you a bit? Yeah. That would be me. LoL. I do hope that you feel some amount of trust in me and that you don't doubt my sincerity. I swear to you, on the graves of my children that my sincerity is real. That my offers of support are real.

My phone is almost dead and I have brownie making to supervise. I'll check back in a bit though.
post #117 of 166
Thread Starter 

Okay - I know all these symptoms already. I'm actually fairly well read on the subject of depression.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Becoming withdrawn or isolated
I'm not withdrawn or isolated. I'm an introvert, and I prefer a lot of time without a lot of people around, but that doesn't mean I never have people around, or that I can't call/email a friend and day, "hey - want to get together today?".
Difficulty concentrating

Fatigue and lack of energy

These are linked - the fatigue is causing the inability to concentrate. I see nothing to link them to depression, but I also never said I'm not depressed. I said I'm not severely depressed. I'm not. I'm mildly depressed...and strongly suspect it's a result of the long-term lack of sleep.

Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness
Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt

I have guilt feelings over some things. They're justified and have nothing to do with depression. I'm not hopeless or helpless or worthless, and I don't hate myself. I had a really, really, really crappy day on Thursday and then got dogpiled with a lot of unwanted advice about parts of my life that had nothing to do with what was going on.

Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping
I've always been a poor sleeper. Even as a child, it would take me 30 minutes to drop off once my head hit the pillow. I still take a long time to conk, and I'm still prone to insomnia. But, my lack of sleep has more to do with a child who is running on a very short sleep cycle than anything else. It's aggravated by the fact that I've never been able to nap worth spit. So, even if I get mid-day downtime, I usually can't sleep. I'm getting more sleep now than I was for the first 2.5 years of dd2's life, so it's picking up. But, long-term fatigue doesn't just disappear overnight. I've been pushing myself past my energy level for a long time - espeically the pregnancies. Even when I had dd1, I was just barely recovered from the effects of severe long-term sleep deprivation, stress, etc. Pregnancy and surgery were a huge strain on me, physically. I'm mildly depressed, but not even remotely seriously. I'm just really tired. (Most of the time, I'm not even mildly depresed, but I have a head cold. When I get sick, I get depressed - it's a symptom, just as much as sneezing, congestion, etc. That probably sounds weird, but I'm used to it, and don't really think about it.)
Are you sure you aren't depressed? Because it does look like it from the outside.
Sure. Mildly. It's not a big deal.
My mother always had what she called "stop signs" everywhere. My brother need help, but it required talking to people she didnt like:stop sign. hmm...yellow light, maybe. We're working on it. I should have pressed on when I had such a bad time with the first referral, but I didn't - can't go back now. We needed a new item but the house was too cluttered and she couldnt figure out space for it: stop sign. If we need a new item, we'll make room for it, but it takes time.Again - not a stop sign. She couldnt control when we woke up and went to bed: stop sign. ummm....not even sure what to say to this one. I've never controlled when my kids woke up. We do control when the older ones go to bed, but I've never controlled that with a really little one, either. I have no desire to control it, so it's not really a stop sign, either - more of a philosophical standpoint.
This idea that no matter what you do, you have no control over your own life or what happens is, to me, a big symptom of depression. I know you don't like doctors, but it may be worth while to medicate so you can pull yourself out of this funk and get some changes happening in your house. I know you've dealt with a lot, and I know how doctors make you feel, saying you don't want their help isn't getting you anywhere. Whose help DO you want? We're making changes in our house. We make them all the time. We're tortoises, not hares, so it may not look like it to other people. My house less cluttered than it used to be, despite a crazy little toddler (totally meant with affection - her nickname, even at three, is "Crazy Baby" - she's a nut.) We're eating better. The kids did more learning activities this year than any other, etc. etc. etc.
I'm not taking anti-depressants again. I took them before. I thought they worked, but when I went off them, it made no difference. I kicked my idiot ex out, and my depression went away. Help? I don't particularly want anyone's help - but I accept it from friends and family, and a mother's helper would be kind of nice. I do NOT need some so-called "expert" mucking around in my head.
post #118 of 166

Just wanted to say that comments directing the OP to put her children in school are really out of line, and reflect a real bias against homeschooling.  Even in cases where a parent is depressed, school isn't a quick fix.  It creates new stresses and time demands.  I would no sooner tell someone posting in the Gentle Discipline forum to put their kids in school than I would tell someone to quit breastfeeding.   

post #119 of 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Luckiestgirl View Post

Just wanted to say that comments directing the OP to put her children in school are really out of line, and reflect a real bias against homeschooling.  Even in cases where a parent is depressed, school isn't a quick fix.  It creates new stresses and time demands.  I would no sooner tell someone posting in the Gentle Discipline forum to put their kids in school than I would tell someone to quit breastfeeding.   

 

 

Agreed. 

 

Storm Bride please have your son lock down his facebook account, as should you.  These women are vicious and this is not the first time CPS, family members, schools, & workplaces have been called from this group out of misplaced "concern."   

post #120 of 166

StormBride, I'm glad to hear that you have a friend coming over when you plan on calling. Maybe she can be a support for drs visits and stuff? I always do better with those when I have either someone with me to back me up, or have things written down and can go through them like a checklist.

 

My two boys sound so much like your son, my heart just hurts. There have been trials, but so much joy, and I'm glad to read the happiness you've been posting the last 24 hours. I'd just read so much concern in the previous posts! If you ever want to talk about aspergers, just PM me. I'm not judging anything, I know how it goes.

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