Threats with knives - WWYD? - Page 2

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by stik 

You can buy a motion sensor alarm for his bedroom door.  Or some jingle bells, if he sleeps with the door closed. 

He shares a room with both his sisters. I can't see any way having two exhausted kids added to the equation is going to help.

Stormbride, I sympathize with your frustration at the difficulties inherent in creating a safe environment for a kid who is having serious boundary issues.  It is WORK.  It's time-consuming, and frustrating, and has to be combined with more time-consuming, exhausting supervision.  While he may not realize it, and while you wish he wasn't, your ds is asking you in the clearest possible way for a lot of direct supervision.  You can sign him up for whatever energy-burning thing you want - it will probably be good for him, he'll love it, and he'll continue to seek attention from you in any way he can.  The best, safest, soundest choice in front of you is to give him that attention. 

Okay - so I send my daughters away for the day? I cannot even describe to you the level of attention he requires. It is NOT POSSIBLE for me to give it to him, and still look after my other children, do even basic housework (and believe me - it's basic), etc. In any case, I'm not physically capable of that level of supervision. I can't go running up and down stairs, chasing him around, etc. all day. My knees hurt. My back gives out (sacroiliac joint). And, I simply don't have the energy. I can't walk fast enough. I can't keep going long enough. I'm crashed by noon some days.

You know he can force you to pay attention - he just has to do something wildly unsafe.  You are all better off if he gets your attention without having to resort to reckless extremities first.  I hear that you're exhausted, and I know what I'm suggesting is difficult, and I really do sympathize. 

He doesn't get attention. He gets yelled at and sent to his room, in isolation. If I keep him around when he does these things, it gets ugly.

I also sympathize with the feelings of your other children, who were so scared they had to lock themselves in a room and call you.  They shouldn't have to live like that.  You can't give in to exhaustion. 
 

I can't give in to exhaustion. Well, isn't that nice. So, I'm not allowed to be human, and will drop dead by the time he's a teenager, because I "can't give in to exhaustion"? That's pretty much what I'm looking at. I haven't gone more than two weeks without getting sick in years - my body is done. I feel like I'm 80. Are you going to tell an old woman that she "can't give in to old age", too? I can remember functioning on 20 hours of sleep a week - for at least a year - and not being this exhausted.
 

Who can help you?  Dad, grandparents, local agencies? 

My dad is an alcoholic, who I haven't talked to, except on Father's Day (because I had to drop off his taxes, as I'd had them on my desk for months, and he's facing jail time) in over a year.  My mom and stepdad are working themselves to death to maintain the small company that's paying her mortgage...and helping out with my sister's kids, as needed, which is way more necessary than my situation. (Yes - I'm serious. They've had CPS involved twice, and my nephew is profoundly gifted and is on the autism spectrum. His behavioural issues are a lot like ds2's, only more extreme, and more frequent.)

I have no friends who live nearby. I don't trust my neighbours, with good reason. Only one of them is home during the day, anyway, and she has a six month old. Local agencies? What kind of agencies?

[Storm Bride]

Basically, stik: Your posts have left me feeling as though my only possible option is to give ds2 up for adoption. I'm serious. You're telling me that I'm not a good enough parent, and can't be a good enough parent, for ds2. I don't think that's what you meant to say, but it's still what you said.

I think this is just a kick in the teeth for the number of times people said stupid things like, "is he a good baby?" and I said even stupider things, like "this is cheating - he's so easy that I don't even feel as if I'm parenting". HAHAHAHAHA I know better than to tempt fate like that. Easiest baby in the world. *sigh*

[stik]

You need to keep your kids safe. If one of them is chasing the other two with knives, they are not safe. I don't know your situation, so I don't know your options. Right now, you aren't talking about parenting strategies. Your kids were in a life-threatening situation this morning, and you seem to be saying there's no way you can prevent it from happening again tomorrow morning. You need to break out of that rut.

People have suggested camp for your son, but it's probably easier to find a camp for a 9yo than a 7yo. You could get her out of the house for a week or two. Daycare for your 3yo might give you some time to focus. Where is your dh? Have you described this incident to your son's doctor? What about your doctor? Who is treating your exhaustion?

I regret that my tone has seemed insensitive. You clearly need some help. Who can you call?

I've seen you around MDC for years, and I know you are a loving, caring parent. I absolutely do not think you should give up any of your kids.

[Bokonon]

Storm, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  I'm having some issues with my DS - not like yours, and not violent, but issues that effect our home life significantly.  And I completely understand being overwhelmed by the medical hoops to jump through to even find out how to get help.  It's overwhelming and exhausting, and when you are already at your wits' end, it's too much.  But I would definitely encourage you to keep trying, because you need help, but you need answers to get that help.

I don't know how the system works in Canada.  I've had to make countless phone calls to figure out how to get DS evaluated in the US.  It's horrible that it takes so much persistence and work to get help for a child who needs it.  But in the meantime, please get to a counselor for you and/or DS if possible.  Have the counselor guide you through the process, or at least be a sympathetic ear while you are going through it.  There will only be improvement if you get this figured out, as daunting as that seems.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I have to believe, and that's why I keep pushing for answers with my kid.  There is help out there, and I'll get there after all these evaluations and hoops I have to jump through to get a diagnosis for my son.

[DragonflyBlue]

Set your alarm and get up before the kids. Go to bed at an earlier time. Put the kids to bed at a reasonable time. Every night. Wake them up in the am after you have had coffee and a bit of time to clean up the house or shower.

After the kids are in bed, have your you time to decompress.

Get him re-evaluated.

My son had similar issues. I got him evaluated, into therapy and on medication. Guess what happened? His reading went up TWO grade levels. His math scores went up. He made friends. He isn't drugged into a stupor of compliance. He is medicated so that his brain responds appropriately to stimuli, thought process, frustrations and disappointments. His medication allows him to lead a normal, healthy life and the ability to function and have his talents blossom.

I had six kids in eleven years. I know tired. I know exhaustion. I had twins after the six kids, right on the heals of my daughters death. I still managed to get things done.

I live on a farm now. I am up at 6 am every day and don't go to bed till midnight. I milk my cow, feed all my animals and am back up to the house before kids wake up. The only time I sit down during the day is to pee. I have numerous health issues. I've buried two children and dealt with issues that make others wonder how I have managed. It's simple. I chose to have these children. They didn't ask to come into this world. I have to parent them even when I don't want to. I have to give them my all, tired, depressed, sick and hurting. They can't be patented only when I feel up to it. I have no choice but to take care of business. Well not true, I do have a choice. I could choose to wallow in misery and give up. I chose to live life fully and to allow my kids to grow up in a functional home.

Feel free to search my history and see what I've dealt with. Feel free to pm me and ask. I know what it's like to be overwhelmed and exhausted. I know what it's like to grieve a lost child. I also know that I make the choice each day to be functional and present for my children and the grandbaby I am raising. It's not easy. But I do it. I do it for my kids. Because they deserve it.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue 

Set your alarm and get up before the kids. Go to bed at an earlier time. Put the kids to bed at a reasonable time. Every night. Wake them up in the am after you have had coffee and a bit of time to clean up the house or shower.
After the kids are in bed, have your you time to decompress.
Get him re-evaluated.
My son had similar issues. I got him evaluated, into therapy and on medication. Guess what happened? His reading went up TWO grade levels. His math scores went up. He made friends. He isn't drugged into a stupor of compliance. He is medicated so that his brain responds appropriately to stimuli, thought process, frustrations and disappointments. His medication allows him to lead a normal, healthy life and the ability to function and have his talents blossom.
I had six kids in eleven years. I know tired. I know exhaustion. I had twins after the six kids, right on the heals of my daughters death. I still managed to get things done.
I live on a farm now. I am up at 6 am every day and don't go to bed till midnight. I milk my cow, feed all my animals and am back up to the house before kids wake up. The only time I sit down during the day is to pee. I have numerous health issues. I've buried two children and dealt with issues that make others wonder how I have managed. It's simple. I chose to have these children. They didn't ask to come into this world. I have to parent them even when I don't want to. I have to give them my all, tired, depressed, sick and hurting. They can't be patented only when I feel up to it. I have no choice but to take care of business. Well not true, I do have a choice. I could choose to wallow in misery and give up. I chose to live life fully and to allow my kids to grow up in a functional home.
Feel free to search my history and see what I've dealt with. Feel free to pm me and ask. I know what it's like to be overwhelmed and exhausted. I know what it's like to grieve a lost child. I also know that I make the choice each day to be functional and present for my children and the grandbaby I am raising. It's not easy. But I do it. I do it for my kids. Because they deserve it.

That was harsh.

I know your history - I remember you. But, I'm not you. And, I don't have it. On a "go to bed at midnight, and get up at six" schedule, I'd probably be in the hospital in less than a month. (My sister and one of my good friends can manage on six hours sleep. I can't.) The last time I tried to push myself through severe sleep deprivation, I ended up with bronchitis, followed less than a month later by pneumonia - and no matter how awesome you are, I actually can't parent when I'm delirious with fever. I can't "put the kids to bed at a reasonable hour", because they don't stay there. (Well, dd2 doesn't, and dd1 doesn't these days, either.)

I'm still getting up every goddamned morning, which is already a WHOLE lot more than I feel up to.

Edited by Storm Bride - 7/6/12 at 10:53pm

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by stik 

You need to keep your kids safe. If one of them is chasing the other two with knives, they are not safe. I don't know your situation, so I don't know your options. Right now, you aren't talking about parenting strategies. Your kids were in a life-threatening situation this morning, and you seem to be saying there's no way you can prevent it from happening again tomorrow morning. You need to break out of that rut.
People have suggested camp for your son, but it's probably easier to find a camp for a 9yo than a 7yo. You could get her out of the house for a week or two. Daycare for your 3yo might give you some time to focus. Where is your dh? Have you described this incident to your son's doctor? What about your doctor? Who is treating your exhaustion?
I regret that my tone has seemed insensitive. You clearly need some help. Who can you call?
I've seen you around MDC for years, and I know you are a loving, caring parent. I absolutely do not think you should give up any of your kids.

I have no idea where there are any camps, of the overnight type. The only ones I've ever heard of are Scout camps, and my kids aren't in Scouts. In any case, right at the moment, if sent my daughter out of the house for a week or two, she'd fall apart. Her issues don't impinge on family life like ds2's do, but she's having a bloody awful time right now (onset of puberty, on top of an already highly volatile and sensitive temperament - the pediatrician thinks ds2 has ADHD, but I'm pretty sure dd1 actually does). She's very nervous about people she doesn't know, and would feel that she was being punished if I sent her off to camp.

My son's doctor is my doctor. We generally only see pediatricians by referral .The last referral he gave me was completely useless, and is part of the reason that I've been psyching myself up again for almost two weeks to call for a new one, to someone who might actually listen to a goddamned word I say (not likely, but possible - the other one sure as s**t didn't). I don't trust doctors as far as I can throw them. The fact that I need to involve them in my life makes me despair of anything ever working for us again - ever. If it were only me, I'd never see a doctor again. As for my exhaustion - nobody's treating it. They don't know what's causing it. As per my last blood tests, my thyroid was okay, and I wasn't anemic, and "you have four kids, you know". I'm pretty sure the fact that dd2 runs on about seven hours sleep a night isn't helping. (She's awake right now, nursing to sleep, which is why I'm not in bed yet.)

DH is at work. Where else would he be? He helps a ton, but he's burning out, too.

I'm not going to give ds2 up. It would probably be in his best interests, but I couldn't live with it. .

[DragonflyBlue]

No, you aren't me. You are you, with your own issues, beliefs, goals, etc.

I wasn't trying to put you down. I told you, I get it. I understand. I've been there. I offered ideas on how to maybe make things a bit easier.

It's exhausting having a child with special needs. I have eight kids, six living. Three of my living children have special needs. That's part of the reason we have our grandchild.

I know how frustrating it is to try and get help for your kids. I know how frustrating it can be to get help for a child. I know how frustrating it is to get help for your own issues. I know what it's like to want to run away and start a new life and not deal with things. I get it.

You are at your limit. I'm guessing your son is too. I know that before I got my DS the help he needed he was a hot mess. He was barely functioning in school and at home. He told me he wanted to die. He told me he was rotten and awful. He didn't understand why he acted the way he did.

But I fought for him. I got him help. He's not the same kid he was a year ago. My sweet boy likes himself. He can sit down and play with his toys. He can deal with things appropriately. Is he perfect? Nope. He's a normal 8 yo kid. This afternoon, we spent two hours while the baby napped, cuddled up in my bed, playing games on my phone. A year ago? He couldn't have done that. A year ago he would have come unhinged and thrown things across the room at being asked to sit still for two hours. Today? He asked if we could snuggle and play games. He asked!

A year ago I couldn't let him out of my sight for two minutes. Today? He can run around the farm, interact with our animals without me standing over him. He is gentle, thoughtful, kind and so tenderhearted. He is blossoming.

You can do this. You can bring about the changes you want for your family.

It won't be easy. It will be hard work, tears, frustration and more. But the payoffs? Priceless!

[Storm Bride]

You know what? This whole thread was a huge mistake. I'm not going to delete it, but I'm more depressed right now than I've been in years. You guys are really just reinforcing what I've felt for a long time - I'm not the right parent for ds2. I'm the one he's stuck with, but I'm not the right one. I'm a fantastically crappy advocate for him (just as I've always been for myself). He needs medical help, and I need to have the entire medical profession as far away from me as it's possible to get them. I have to suck that up, but I still can't communicate with medpros. I'll call Monday...I'm 99% sure it will be another farce, but a 1% chance of actual help is better than 0%.

[Purple*Lotus]

I think stik and dfb have good advice.  You have to protect your kids.  You are not even considering any of their suggestions.  If you can not arrange to be awake before your son, then you need to ask your DH to help you.  Someone has to make sure that your other children are not in danger.  I hope you can figure something out.

[DragonflyBlue]

Make the call. That's a start! If you don't get anywhere, call someone else. Keep calling till you get someone to listen.

With my 4th dd, we ran through every option our insurance had and were still fighting to get her help. It took years to get her the help she needed. But she got it. She graduated high school last month. She is living on her own. She is living a life we never thought possible. We didn't think she'd even make it to her 18th birthday she was so hellbent on self destructing!

I'm not trying to be harsh. I don't know how many ways I can tell you that I get it, because I do. I'm sharing our success stories to give you hope and maybe inspiration.

I function on six hours of uninterrupted sleep. However, if my grandbaby wakes up at night, as toddlers are apt to do, I get cranky. I don't function as well. But if I get it, I'm good to go.

I get up before everyone else and stay up later so I get my downtime. That is vital to my being able to get through the day. I get my coffee, I head to the barn. I take care of me while I take care of my animals. Having that time allows me to be a better mom. Having time for yourself allows you to refill your cup so that you can take care of others.

Maybe you can go for a walk by yourself while your dh watches the kids for a half hour. Take a bubble bath. Light some candles. Read a book. Do something, anything for you. Do it every day. It's not selfish. It's self care. And it's okay to take care of you so that you can take care of others.

If you need ideas on navigating getting an evaluation for your son, ask. I'm sure there are many of us who can offer helpful hints on that. If you need help finding temporary fixes till you can get him in, I'm sure that's available here too.

One thing that helped my DS immensely was sorting things. He loves to sort legos, blocks, rocks, anything. I got him bins he can sort things into. It helps him self soothe and gives him a focus. Prior to his dx, it was the one thing I could count on being able to get him to do and sit still with.

He's also a pokemon junkie. We made a list of things he had to do each morning. Eat, dress, brush his teeth, make his bed. If he did those things he would get to pick a card from the pack of cards I had. I pick them up at walmart and he loves being able to add to his collection. He willingly does his morning routine to be able to get a card.

I picked up a three ring binder and storage sheets for his cards. He takes immense pride in showing people his cards and telling them how he earned them.

Safety issues? I have all medications in a small tool box with a combo lock. Scissors and knives went in there before he was able to be safe with them.

House rules are posted on poster board in the kitchen. Consequences are spelled out too. Simple things like no hitting, speaking kindly, etc. Consequences can be no tv time, no nintendo DS, earlier bedtime, etc.

Rewards in our home are (aside from pokemon cards) easy things. A story from mom or dad. A trip to the gas station for a frozen yogurt, snuggletime, "sleepovers" in my bedroom, choosing dinner, helping make cookies or helping feed the baby animals.

You just have to find what works and be consistent. It's taken ME a lot of work to be able to be consistent. I'm a very fly by the seat of my pants person. I hate schedules and routine. I happen to have kids who thrive on it so I've had to adapt.

A few weeks ago one of my dd's took all the kids for the weekend. Omg! The freedom! The ability to not have to cook for anyone (dh was working nights and sleeping in the day), being able to read, clean, pee without interruption and not have to answer to anyone was fantastic! Five hours into it? I was lonely and honestly, a bit bored. It took all I had not to go get them! They had a blast! I was pretty miserable. Lmao!

Anyway, if you need help, ask. It's there for you. You can do this!

[Drummer's Wife]

Oh, Lisa. I wish you wouldn't feel depressed about this. He sounds like an intense kid - similar to one of my 3 boys, or my DD at times, fwiw. I can't tell you if he needs more structure or guidance or therapy or meds - b/c, I don't know him and am not a know-it-all-expert. But I know that parenting certain growning boys is rough, to put it mildly. You are the best mom he has. Remember that.

All I know is with my kids, they need a whole lot of separation from each other in order to not kill one another. They are all in summer camp due to necessity, b/c I recently got a full-time job. 2 boys, and 1 girl, are in one camp; the youngest is in a summer daycare camp on his own. They manage to keep the older boys engaged enough to a point where there isn't any blood.

Anyhow, I know summer is halfway over, and I'm not ppreally suggesting camp/daycare as an ends to a means, but I know it has saved my ass as my boys have gotten older and wilder this year. If you have one that could possibly benefit from outside help, believe you me, I realize how hard it can be to have all the kids home together for extended periods of time.

It's rough, but if you can find a way to send him to individual activities or some sort of school away from home in the fall, I think you'll see a lessoning of those horrifying behaviors while he's under your watch. It's rough to be with the same small group of kids (such as siblings) for long amounts of time. Especiallyfkr a kid who reacts violently or who had any kind of overtly sensorial reactions.

It's just too much. For them and for you as a parent.

There are days when I think, WTF? I shouldn't be these kids' parents, or a parent at all, for that matter. But it's just b/c I feel like things are out of control or not within my control (sorry, but anyone who thinks they can manage or punish certain kids into an expected behavior all the time, certainly haven't dealt with specific intense older children). And that's may when outside help in some form is needed. But please don't feel alone or defeated or unworthy as a parent. This shit sucks sometimes. For real. You need support and guidance. That's all.

[LynnS6]

You are the right parent for you son. It may not feel like it right now. But you are. Muddle through the best you can. Lock up those knives, the medicine, the matches and anything else you know are dangerous. Get a locking safe if you have to.

Can you write out a list of things that your son has done that concern you? And then do the same for your daughter. Then send those lists with your husband to the doctor. Seriously, if you're as put off by doctors as you sound, then it's time for the other adult member of your family to step in. Even if it means taking a day off work. Ask him to demand a referral to someone who knows something about kids with self-regulation issues. I know you disagree with the diagnosis, but your post sounds an awful lot like ADHD to me -- no sense of boundaries, trying to be funny and getting mad when it flops, inability to take rejection and over-reacting, angry at himself, lack of ability to see the consequences, lack of learning from the consequences. It's exhausting, but as DragonflyBlue noted, medication can make a huge difference.

Have you had a counselor? You've been through a lot. You're exhausted and you sound depressed. Given what you've gone through, and the fact that you have at least 2 high maintenance kids, a child leaving home (added stress even if it's nice), and a toddler, you need help. I don't know how you're going to get it, but you could start with someone to talk to. If you can find a good counselor or perhaps a social worker trained as a counselor for you, that can be a real boon. They don't have to be 'medical' people. Just someone for you to talk to, to help you sort out your feelings and help you plan. You're not in a space where you can do that right now. It's OK. You will be again.

Are there any teenagers in the area that you would trust? What I really think you need is a mother's helper. My mom had one when my siblings were small and it was a huge help. I came along later when my older sibs were able to help with me and my brother. If you have an energetic teenager who can hang out with your son (preferably outside), even for a few hours a day, it would be great. What you want is a 13-14 year old -- lots of energy, old enough to be responsible. Make them leave their iPod/iPhone with you, and send your son outside to lpay.

And then I'm going to ask a loaded question: Where's your husband and what can he do to help lighten some of this burden? Maybe he can find a day camp where your son can get out some of  his energy and you can regain your composure and do a little bonding with your older daughter who needs it. As I said above, I think he needs to take a larger role in this. When a family is in a crisis, it cannot be one parent who deals with it all.

[Imakcerka]

Lisa, your son needs help.  But you need to work on your too.  I hate to hear that things are so hard for you right now and I'm sorry you are where you are right now.  I have no other advice other than to let you know I'm thinking of you.  You deserve to be happy.

[ameliabedelia]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I can definitely understand how hard it is to think of going the medical route.   Have you considered alternative treatments...dietary intervention, supplements?.  Maybe start by looking into Feingold or GAPS, supplementing with high quality fermented fish oil?   Maybe do some reading on dietary interventions for children with issues similar to what your DS has? Just some suggestions.. I'm a big believer in how diet can influence behavior, so the first thing I would look at would be dietary changes.
 

[savithny]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 
He needs medical help, and I need to have the entire medical profession as far away from me as it's possible to get them. I have to suck that up, but I still can't communicate with medpros. I'll call Monday...I'm 99% sure it will be another farce, but a 1% chance of actual help is better than 0%.

When I have to be in a situation in which I have a hard time communicating, I've found that writing a script works.   If need be, maybe you could write a letter and read it to the doctor.   Or write a FAQ about your son?    

I will often, for things like this, have a bulleted list of points I want to make sure I make, and questions I want to make sure I get answered.   I have found it helps a lot when I'm otherwise overwhelmed about the fact I have to *communicate* in a way I'm not comfortable with (in my case, phone calls freak me the heck out and I studiously avoid them).

Last:  Your DS sounds a lot like one of DS's friends.    I'm not sure of this boy's exact diagnosis, but I know that he spent several years getting "Pragmatics therapy" through the school system (it was part of their speech therapy program).   If you google that, you get hits on autism sites, but please don't disregard it because of that -- this boy is definitely *not* diagnosed with autism.    Much of what you say about your son -- the anger, the self-blame, the inappropriate responses -- remind me *so* much of this boy and *also* come up in the sites that describe pragmatics therapy.   

[kathrineg]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

I have no way to enforce it, so he won't do it. To give you an idea what ds2 is like, a pediatrician I saw last year gave him a tentative diagnosis of ADHD and ODD. I happen to disagree with her diagnosis (she was ignoring quite a few aspects of what I was telling her), but I can see why she reached that conclusion. He doesn't understand boundaries very well.

In your place, I would seek treatment for ADHD. This sounds like classic ADHD and as someone who had it as a child (and still has it) it really crippled my ability to learn social cues and I was way, way behind in terms of social skills until well into adulthood. It made it hard for me to keep jobs and friends. The time to get this treated is now.

The treatment for ADHD includes both medication and structure/organizational skills and sometimes social skills groups as well. Structure is really key because it frees up mental energy, and for people with ADHD, mental energy is at a premium because we need much more of it to do things like focus, listen, obey rules, remember other peoples' boundaries...

I mean, right now what you describe is a child who has serious difficulty learning social cues and controlling his impulses. He has little to no structure. So all day he spends trying to figure out what to do, having no clue what is appropriate, and then being told off for doing the wrong thing. This is ADHD hell and it does no one any good.

[kathrineg]

Oh, also, in terms of him being sensitive to rejection, I was rejected all. the. time. as a child. Why? Because I wasn't pleasant to be around due to the untreated ADHD and didn't know what it was like to have even one day, just one, where I didn't mess up or do something wrong, no matter how hard I was trying. That felt tremendously unfair because I was trying SO HARD. Your son is obviously trying very hard but he is incapable of succeeding without help. You keep trying to teach him empathy, but empathy isn't the problem, he has plenty of it. He just can't put it into action because he has a disability. When he self-harms, it is because he feels enormously guilty that he is letting everyone down. Every day that goes by where he thinks this is a failure of his empathy, or where someone explodes on him and he doesn't know why, is another day where he is building low self-esteem and feeling like he is bad and unlovable.

It also sounds like he might be gifted and, frankly, bored. Many children have ADHD and are gifted. I can't describe to you the level of trouble a gifted child with poor impulse control can get into--I don't have to describe it to you--you already know. They do things like chase their siblings around with knives.

I am not trying to blame or shame you, and I know it's coming across like that, and for that I apologize. I know this is a difficult situation. But you need to realize that not doing anything is, in and of itself, a choice, and in this case, a very bad one.

[kathrineg]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride 

You know what? This whole thread was a huge mistake. I'm not going to delete it, but I'm more depressed right now than I've been in years. You guys are really just reinforcing what I've felt for a long time - I'm not the right parent for ds2. I'm the one he's stuck with, but I'm not the right one. I'm a fantastically crappy advocate for him (just as I've always been for myself). He needs medical help, and I need to have the entire medical profession as far away from me as it's possible to get them. I have to suck that up, but I still can't communicate with medpros. I'll call Monday...I'm 99% sure it will be another farce, but a 1% chance of actual help is better than 0%.

Also, this doesn't make you the wrong mother for him, it makes you tremendously brave. Also, if I'm not mistaken your son also has another parent who can make these kinds of calls, too?

[The4OfUs]

I'll lend another vote for ADHD.  My husband has it, and we're pretty sure our daughter has it too (and maybe our son too, but not as rage-y as our daughter).  The situations and reactions you describe, the lack of impulse control, being held hostage by his emotions, the aggresion after rejection -  all here too.  Not as severe as your son's, but still here.  Misunderstandings, misreading people, jumping to inaccurate conclusions, thinking people hate her.  All of it.

I will also give another shout out to diet - when she's eating "clean" (no aritificial colors/flavors/fast food/junk food/dairy - yep, dairy is HUGE for both of our kids behaviorally) things are so, so much more manageable.  When we are weak/stupid and she's eating those things semi-regularly, it goes down the toilet.  We've figured out that colors/flavors/preservatives make her hyper/impulsive; dairy makes her ragey.  Our son has similar problems with colors/flavorings, but dairy makes him weepy/self hating. It's unreal to me how much it can affect them (and probably me, too, if I'd ever give up drinking milk and eating cheese long enough, but "I'm fine, I cope" denialism keeps me doing it - sigh).

I'm not saying it will "cure" him, but I would seriously do this as a (relatively easy) first step and see what happens.  It seemed daunting to clear everything out of our kitchen and start saying NO to things we had fairly regularly (which grossed me out but it was a trap/addiction and we got caught in the cycle?), but it's been over a year now and we've had great success.  We go off the wagon for sure, but then we tighten things up again and we're back on track.  

And please, please don't think you can't parent him or you're not the right parent for him.  I've spent some time over the past month allowing myself to mourn the loss of what I thought our family was going to be like.  With 2 very active, low-impulse control, emotional but also bright, creative kids in the house, it is not the calm, harmonious home I envisioned.  And for a while I was getting resentful; but that was not useful at all, so I decided to just let myself mourn the loss of what I thought I wanted, and start to embrace what I actually have.  When we're "on", things are pretty damn good, so my vision actually wasn't so far off track after all.  Hang in there mama, I've "known" you for many many years here and I'm so sorry you're having such troubles.