I think then, that *this* is probably the biggest priority that needs processing. I've read past posts about the horrible things you've endured - and I can't even imagine. But if you can't do this, or figure out a way to work through it all, your husband will have to be the one to do it. Just like if there was a physical problem that required one of your children to need frequent doctor visits, hospitalizations, etc., you'd somehow figure out a way to manage it. Your son needs you to do this for him. Thus far we're managing our daughter's issues well enough with just dietary changes, without medication, but my husband is on medication. The difference in him off medication but trying to "handle" things with other coping skills we've read about together, versus on medication...well, I'll just say that medication saved our marriage. We're poised to do the same for our daughter if it gets to that point, too.
I'll be doing it. DH would do it, if I insisted. But, he basically thinks that ds2 is just "all boy", wlil be alright, and maybe just needs a few good spankings. While he'd be somewhat more emotionally able to talk to a doctor, he doesn't really think it's necessary. (Heck - part of the problem here is that ds2 has spells where he's doing more-or-less okay, and I convince myself that he really doesn't have any issues, and I'm off my rocker.)