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Threats with knives - WWYD? - Page 5

post #81 of 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

 

Quite frankly, if I make all the changes you all recommend, I'll end up in a situation where ds2 might thrive

Why on earth would you not want your child to thrive?  You chose to bring him into this world and you owe him the best parenting you can give him. 

post #82 of 166
I am worried about you and your kids. What level of clutter is your house at that you don't have room for a box?

There are people who can help you! Please reach out in your community and get help.

What is difficult about having children in school? I only have limited experience (kindergarten) but it was a lot easier than having him home FT
post #83 of 166

If you PM me your home address and shoe size, I will send you some new shoes.

post #84 of 166

Storm Bride,

 

I can hear your pain and your fear coming through you posts, and my heart breaks for you.  At the same time, though, you need to understand that children's safety comes first.  Your babies were in a situation yesterday where someone could have killed them.  They suffered the same trauma they would have suffered if that someone was an adult intruder.  I understand how incredibly difficult seekign help is for you, but at the same time you have to understand that letting what's going on continue is absolutely no different from allowing your toddler to play in traffic because you're tired or ill and need to take a nap.  You've got three children whose lives were in jeopardy today because of your son's risk taking, attention seeking behavior, and because of your own illness.  Even though that illness is not your fault, the situation has to be fixed, and it has to be fixed today. 

 

Here's a couple solutions I can think of.  Yes they're extreme.  Your situation is extreme.

 

1) Admit yourself to the hospital for the depression.  Go to the ER and admit that you're a danger to your children.  You say that walking into a therapist's office makes things worse, well you may need to ride that through in a safe setting.  Have your DH take a leave of absence from work, or find a home daycare willing to take your kids, and go get better.

 

2) Admit your son to the hospital.  I like this solution less well, to be honest, as I think that your family isn't going to heal until you heal, but consider it.

 

3) Call CPS on yourself.  As a mandated reporter if I knew your name or other identifying information I'd call, because your girls were being abused today, and your son neglected.   Where I live, if someone "self-refers" they'll come out, do an evaluation, offer solutions and supports.

 

4) Find the energy to take the appropriate steps to keep everyone safe at home.  Get a door alarm for your son's room and have the girls sleep in your room.  Or bring him in your room and put your bed across the door at night.  Lock up the knives now.  Not tomorrow when you get to the store to buy a lockbox.  Now.  Get up and go put them in the trunk of your car.  Get some plastic ones and cook with them for now -- buy things that don't require sharp knives until things get better.  Then make sure you aren't alone with your kids until things are in control.  One adult needs to be in the room with your son at all times.  Either have your DH take time off work (your child has a diagnosed illness, he should be eligible for FMLA), or hire a neighborhood teenager to be with you and them, or find a daycare or camp, or ship them off to Grandma's.  When camp ends, either hire a nanny or send them to school.  Meanwhile, get medical help for you kid.  Go to the school tomorrow, and start the evaluation process there, and start it at the doctor's too.  Imagine your child had cancer, and think about what you'd do to find the ability to help him, and then do that, because kids die from mental illness and impulsivity just like they die from cancer. 

 

I'm sorry if my tone seems harsh, but your children could have died today.  I know you're a wonderful person and a loving mother, but your children's safety needs to come first.

post #85 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by SilverFish View Post

 

well, you've lost me there. i've been sympathetic for a couple of years to your situation... i've never dealt with depression on that scale, but i understand the sense of life being overwhelming, especially with the losses you've suffered.

 

but this? this is just straight up wrong. people have been handling you with kid gloves, despite knowing an awful lot about your history and your repeated lack of change, but now you just sound selfish and abusive.

 

it is WRONG, as a parent, to put your needs ahead of your kids needs. i don't mean putting your baby down in their crib for a few minutes so you can get a breather, i don't mean taking the space and time to recharge and refresh yourself either. this paragraph basically lays out how you're so wrapped up in your own life and problems that you don't even care what it's doing to your kids. you are saying you KNOW that things need to change for your children to thrive, but you basically just don't care enough about their health and wellbeing to sacrifice... what, i'm not even sure. 

 

I'm not going to say what I want to say, because I'd get banned.

 

I'm going to call the damned doctor. So, what's your problem? And, I don't know that I need to make such and such changes - people who have never even met my son are saying that I need to. And, spare me the "children". There are serious problems that exist with ds2. My other three are doing very, very well.

 

And, since you don't even know what I'm talking about ("but you basically just don't care enough about their health and wellbeing to sacrifice... what, i'm not even sure"), what are you going on about?

post #86 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by maeby View Post


Because things right now are so good? Your children (all of them) are suffering because of your inability to care for yourself and get help. They deserve better. Being a parent means doing crap we dont want to do. Life might even get crappy for a while but after some time and lots of effort it's likely to get better again, even better than you can possibly imagine right now from your dark depressed corner/world view.

 

Lots of things about our life are really, really good, yeah. You think my girls spend all their time cowering in bathrooms, and being run over by their brother? I'm not going to rehash all the things people have said, as this thread is getting really drawn out and ridiculous. There has, however, been a fair bit of advice in this thread that would trash most of the things that help dd1 thrive, and help me thrive...and that ds2 actually enjoys quite a lot.

post #87 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post

My life sounds like hell? Bwahahahahaha! It's actually a wonderful life. My life was hell and so was the whole families when I was busy whining and doing nothing to fix it. That was hell.
After losing our daughter, we all spiraled out of control. It was seven years of hell. During those seven years we had suicide attempts, a child running away non-stop, a child that stole over 3k from us, physically assaulted me, poisoned me, a child being bullied at school and coming home bruised and battered.
It was enough. We made huge changes. We moved to a small farm in a small town. We got a cow, chickens and horses. Life was so much better once we started making our changes and then eventually the move.
We thought we were finally on track to a better life. Six weeks after the move my 15 yo son hung himself. I crumpled. I lost it. I sat in my bed for weeks. I barely did anything. My little DS got worse and worse.
So I did what I had to do. I pulled on my big girl panties and got busy. I dealt with all the issues. I made myself stick to my routine. I made myself get up each day. I made myself function.
You can sit there and say how hard life is or you can fix it. You have huge issues. Fix them. Your children need help. You need help.
You want to talk about hard life? I have survived more than you can imagine. I have not had an easy life. I've been the abused and neglected child. I've lived through the crazy mother. Been there done that have all the damn t-shirts. You name it, I've been through it.
The difference is? I deal with my shit so that my kids don't pay the price. I've outlived two children who had mental health issues. Ones that were being treated. You don't think I have abject terror dealing with doctors after all of that? You don't think I get it? Well I do. More than you know.
If it takes tearing your life down and building a new one for your kids to be healthy, happy and safe, you do it. You don't get to choose to make them suffer because of your trauma or phobias. They are children who deserve every chance to have a good life so they can be successful at life.
I'm so frustrated right now! You don't want to deal with your sons issues because getting him help infringes on you? Send him to me. Seriously. I'll put my phobias aside to get him the help he needs. I'll put my phobias aside to fight for him and advocate for him. If I, a total stranger am willing to do that for him, you as his mother sure as hell can!

 

No - I don't want to. But, I'm going to. It's not enough for any of you oh-so-compassionate people that I'll do it, even if I hate it, is it? I have to f**king like it, too. Well, I don't. Sue me.

 

And, yeah - your life sounds hellish to me. That doesn't mean it's hellish, in any objective sense.

 

Oddly enough, none of the people who actually know me or my son think he's living in some kind of hell. Nobody thinks my daughters are. The fact that I don't just jump on every suggestion people make and say, "yeah - I'll do that tonight" doesn't mean things are so bloody awful around here.

 

Every single child pays some price or other for their parent's issues, but my kids aren't paying anywhere near the price you all seem to think they are...and I push my comfort zone every freaking day, in a lot of ways, to get them what they need. I just don't post about everything that goes well in my life, because I really don't need to.

post #88 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by LynnS6 View Post

 

He's SEVEN. You are a grown woman. Do you have a plan for him to spontaneously overcome his special needs so that you can live the life you want? You don't get to parent the kids you want. You get to parent the kids you have. Yes, you need to suck it up so he has a chance. He won't be in your house forever. But when you give birth, you make a commitment to do the best you can for your child, even if that means parenting differently than you'd like. And the thing is, if you get help, it won't always be a living hell for you. Once he's got something that works for him, you can figure out where you can loosen up.

 

My life isn't a living hell for me now. What the hell are you talking about "if I get help" for? Yes - I have issues with depression, and everybody on this thread has taken those and run with them to decide that's what my exhaustion is all about, too. That doesn't make it so.

 

Right now, your inability to act is causing harm to all of your children. ALL of them. Your son isn't learning the skills he needs. Your daughters are being terrorized by him. Your NINE YEAR OLD had to COWER in the bathroom calling you because he was out of control. She had to take her little sister in with her. Sure she gets to play. And then she gets to deal with things that she shouldn't have to deal with. Her play is punctuated by her brother destroying her things, peeing on  her and chasing her around. She does not deserve this. Your son does not deserve this.

 

You are so far into your mental illness that I don't think you'll emerge without help. Your house is so cluttered you can't even find a safe spot to lock up dangerous things?

 

I can't find a safe spot to lock up dangerous things that I use multiple times a day - no. The spots where I could put a lockbox are very difficult to access and I may as well just throw out the knives for all the good they'd do me. There's a big difference between not being able to find a safe spot, and not being able to find a safe, accessible spot. I may be able to find somewhere, but it's not going to happen overnight.

 

Your son is out of control, your daughter is clearly distressed ,and your 3 year old is 3. You're so depressed you can't get out of bed, take care of the house or take care of the children. You're so paranoid about doctors/social workers/anyone who can help that you are digging yourself into a hole. If it were just you, I wouldn't get upset. But you're dragging your kids down with you.

 

I get out of bed every freaking morning. What the f**k are you talking about? Yes - the house is a cluttered mess...but I decluttered a significant area day before yesterday. Our laundry is all done. My kids are eating three square a day, getting out to do stuff on a regular basis, having conversations, playing games, etc. My exhaustion makes constant direct supervision of ds2 (which is what I was addressing when the subject of exhaustion came up) pretty much impossible. That doesn't mean my kids aren't being cared for. I don't sit generally post about "ds2 and I played Battleship today, and we had a great time" or "dd1 helped me make dinner" or "we all went on a walk to clean up the neighbourhood today - ds2 is really fed up with people littering all over the place" or "ds2 and I are going swimming tonight". You seem to think I sit around and stare at a wall while my children run amok.

 

You may not want to change your life. But you owe your kids a life too. They don't have one. And it's your mental illness, phobia of doctors and inability to trust that anyone can help that is stealing it from them.

 

My kids don't have a life? Tell them that. I like hearing them laugh. Yes - we need to make changes for ds2, which we will make, when we can figure out what they are. The fact that I'm not doing everything people have recommended, or jumping for joy about it, doesn't mean I'm not doing anything.


The only things I have flat out said won't happen are seeking "help" for my depression, and putting the kids into school in September (and I have left the possibility of doing so with ds2 on the table). The rest is all up for consideration. Well, I'm not going to set my alarm for 6:00 am, either, but I don't actually think my children need to see me hospitalized, either. (No - I'm not kidding. The last time I was running even close to this tired, I was on the verge of complete collapse and hospitalization for almost a month. Since my kids don't get up at the same time every morning, setting an alarm to beat them out of bed just isn't going to work. I may ask ds2 to come in and wake me up when he gets up, though. He'd probably like that.)

post #89 of 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

 

Doctors aren't your enemy. That's great. They are mine. I"ll call the damned doctor. If that's not good enough, that's too damned bad. I don't have to like the fact that my only option is one that is absolutely intolerable to me. I just have to do it. As long as I suck it up and get ds2 the help he needs, what f**king difference does it make to anybody if I hate every f**king second of it? None. None at all. NOOOOOOOOOOO!! It freaking doesn't. You have a responsiblity to help your son, at the expense of your own personal comfort.  Do you think every mom is all WHOOPADIE DOO all the time?

 

I get that being a mom means sucking it up. It doesn't mean liking it.

 

Quite frankly, if I make all the changes you all recommend, I'll end up in a situation where ds2 might thrive...and I'll feel as if I'm in prison. Maybe I have to do that, too - but if you expect me to respond to all this with, "yay - I get to wreck all the things I actually like about my life, without getting rid of the ones I don't - AWESOME", you're nuts.What exactly do you like so much about your life that its worth damaging your children?  Laying around the house?  Sleeping all day?  Constantly living in your cocoon of fear?   I may end up having to turn everything upside-down, throw away things we don't want to throw away, get even less sleep, trash what's left of my health, and lose all the flexibility that's the major advantage of the life we've chosen. I don't have to like it, either. And, I don't have to wrap my brain around ripping up my life in the course of 24 hours. The life you describe with your son sounds awful to me. I'm glad it works for you. I'm glad it works for your ds. It might work for my ds2. It sounds like a freaking nightmare. Throw in regular visits with more doctors (I so, so, so thought I was done with doctors after I had my last baby) and you're all basically telling me that the only way to help ds2 is to destroy everything I like about my life. YOU desperately need mental health help for yourself, as well as for your son.  I just don't understand your resistance to do anything to help your child just because it might make your life unpleasant.  If you feel that strongly than you how the hell do you function day to day?  I'm a mandated reporter. If I personally ran across a case like your's I'd call CPS in a hot second. I've done it before and I will probably have to do it again. 

Get yourself some help.  Get your son some help so that he has the tools to survive and thrive in the world.  And ffs, send your kids to school.  You are harming them by keeping them at home and not doing anything to educate them.  Also, they will receive services at school that they need.  Please, if you do nothing else, do this.  Give them half a chance.  If you won't help yourself, please do something to help your kids. 

post #90 of 166

Seriously is there anything left to be said?  Enough is enough.  When someone is down you don't keep stomping on them.  It's Saturday she said she would call Monday. 

post #91 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by chrissy View Post

Whoa, I just read this whole thread, and I find myself feeling very very frustrated at you, Lisa.

 

I totally agree with what Lynn said just above me. 

 

Just a few posts above that you said that doctors are your enemy.  That really jumped out at me.  That is not rational.  And it is not fair to have a kid with issues and not deal with that phobia.  I know you keep jumping up and down and screaming that you're going to call, so don't worry, you don't have to say it again.  I know you are going to call on Monday.  But, honestly, the way it sounds like is that if you make one phone call, that will be the most you are able. 

 

If you listen to no other suggestions on this entire thread, please talk to your dh and have him take the burden on.  If he is as awesome as you say he is, then he should be ready and willing to at least get the ball rolling on this for you, whether he thinks chasing siblings with knives is normal behavior or not.  This is one concrete thing that you know needs to be done and you are really not able to do it. 

 

Does anybody in this thread read? I have said, at least once, and I'm pretty sure more than that, that I will call the f**king doctor on Monday! How am I "not able to do it," when I'm going to do it??

 

Just take it one step at a time.  If he finds somebody for ds to see, that doesn't mean he has to do all the driving if that is impractical. 


I'm not following this, but he won't do any of the driving. DH can't drive. He's legally blind. I'm the only one in the family who can drive. (I hate driving, too.)

 

But there are things he can do to help.   And, if he honestly doesn't think there is a problem, then I think you need to have a longer discussion with him.

 

Things are not good in your household right now.  You have laid that all out with many, many examples. 

- your son chased your daughters with knives, until they hid in a bathroom

- you are too exhausted to be awake before them, even though this kind of thing goes on


"This kind of thing" doesn't "go on". This was the first time he's ever done something on that scale.

 

- you have no control over when they go to bed

 

What? DD1 and ds2 go to bed at pretty much the same time every night. DD1 is causing issues around it, but she only delays things by about 10-15 minutes. The only one who isn't on a regular bedtime is dd2, and she's beginning to stabilize.

 

- you cannot take your children outside when it's hot

 

OMFG! I take them out when it's hot! I took them out to the pool yesterday. We spent five hours today holding an outdoor family birthday party for dd2. We're going to the local farm one day next week, with their cousins. We may be meeting some other friends at the park on Tuesday (depends if it fits around dd1's skating lessons). I suck at coping with the heat. I always have. It wipes me out. That doesn't mean I don't do it! I had a rough time in a crowded outdoor pool in the heat, and you get "you cannot take your children out when it's hot"?

 

- your house is so full of stuff that you can't think of where you could put a tool box, but it is impossible to get rid of any of that stuff because you need it all

And, I think that's just the tip of the iceberg over there.

 

What does that even mean? We live in 1250 sq.ft. There are three adults here. We have very little closet space. We have no outside storage. Everybody I know in this complex (all but one smaller families than we are) is packed pretty tight with stuff. Yes - we might be able to dig out a space for a locked toolbox, if we take a few days to go through some of the books and papers on the shelves where we keep the kids's stuff (books, workbooks, paper, etc.). I can't find a space in the kitchen, and really can't see how a locked toolbox in another room is going to work, when I use the sharp knives multiple times a day. And, all that said - the knives aren't the problem! It could have been a broom, or he could have knocked over a lamp.

 

You came here, presumably, looking for help but then you mock and shoot down every last piece of advice offered to you. 

 

I came here looking for disciplinary strategies, not unsolicited advice to put my children in school, or subject myself to the "help" offered by doctors and counselors. There have been some bits of advice that I'm thinking about - they were mostly directly addressed to the problem I posted about.

 

All the people who've posted here, myself included, are posting because they want to help you.  Things are not going to get better until you start makign some changes.


I asked "WWYD" about a specific issue. I asked in the Gentle Discipline forum. A huge proportion of the advice in this thread goes way, way outside that scope. People jumping all over my non-existent severe depression, non-existent lack of ability to take my kids outside, etc. aren't helping.

post #92 of 166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Imakcerka View Post

Seriously is there anything left to be said?  Enough is enough.  When someone is down you don't keep stomping on them.  It's Saturday she said she would call Monday. 


ITA. 

 

Stormbride, having your ds wake you up when he gets up in the morning sounds like a nice solution.  Honestly, I don't think the issue is the knives so much as the need for boundaries and guidance.  If it turns out that the knives are a fixation, that might be a different story, but there's no reason to believe that of a kid whose only done that particular thing once.  My kids sometimes like to tromp up and down stairs a lot too, but in the moments when they need a lot of supervision?  If I can't go, they can't go.  Direct supervision doesn't have to mean that you follow him everywhere.  It can mean that he follows you.  If you need a break, he can tromp up the stairs by himself while his sisters are someplace else.  There are a lot of ways to preserve both safety and your knees, you just have to get creative. 

 

What kind of shoes work for you?  Would you be willing to outsource the shoe hunt?  It's summer vacation here.  I have time to run some online searches. 

post #93 of 166
Thread Starter 

Doctors aren't your enemy. That's great. They are mine. I"ll call the damned doctor. If that's not good enough, that's too damned bad. I don't have to like the fact that my only option is one that is absolutely intolerable to me. I just have to do it. As long as I suck it up and get ds2 the help he needs, what f**king difference does it make to anybody if I hate every f**king second of it? None. None at all. NOOOOOOOOOOO!! It freaking doesn't. You have a responsiblity to help your son, at the expense of your own personal comfort.  Do you think every mom is all WHOOPADIE DOO all the time?

 

So - what's the big f**king deal? I'm going to do it. I don't like it. So, who the f**k gives a shit how I feel about it? And, what does being "all WHOOPADIE DOO" have to do with anything?

 

In case any of the people who are dogpiling on this missed it:


I'M CALLING THE DAMNED DOCTOR ON MONDAY!!!

 

 

I get that being a mom means sucking it up. It doesn't mean liking it.

 

Quite frankly, if I make all the changes you all recommend, I'll end up in a situation where ds2 might thrive...and I'll feel as if I'm in prison. Maybe I have to do that, too - but if you expect me to respond to all this with, "yay - I get to wreck all the things I actually like about my life, without getting rid of the ones I don't - AWESOME", you're nuts.What exactly do you like so much about your life that its worth damaging your children?  Laying around the house?  Sleeping all day?  Constantly living in your cocoon of fear?   

 

Laying around the house? Sleeping all day? You say below that if you came across a case like mine, you'd report it, but you clearly have no idea what kind of case that is. I don't lay around the house. I spend more time online than I should, but take frequent breaks from that, to tend to the kids (and, until about three days ago, was still nursing dd2 here a fair bit of the time). I don't even come close to sleeping all day. I get up after my kids - and not by that much, unless dh stays for a while before he leaves for work. (On the weekends, I sometimes sleep in until about 10:00...nowhere near that late during the week.) Until summer break started, we (me and the three youngest) were out of the house every day, for one thing or another. We're still out some days, and I'm out pretty much every day, at least to pick something up at the store. I take my kids out for one-on-one dates (movies, drive-in diner, swimming - whatever). I've been pushing out of my "cocoon of fear", in various ways, for years (mostly for the benefit of my children, although one thing was totally for me). The fact that I don't do it fast enough for you, or in exactly the way you think I should, doesn't mean it's not happening.

 

I may end up having to turn everything upside-down, throw away things we don't want to throw away, get even less sleep, trash what's left of my health, and lose all the flexibility that's the major advantage of the life we've chosen. I don't have to like it, either. And, I don't have to wrap my brain around ripping up my life in the course of 24 hours. The life you describe with your son sounds awful to me. I'm glad it works for you. I'm glad it works for your ds. It might work for my ds2. It sounds like a freaking nightmare. Throw in regular visits with more doctors (I so, so, so thought I was done with doctors after I had my last baby) and you're all basically telling me that the only way to help ds2 is to destroy everything I like about my life. YOU desperately need mental health help for yourself, as well as for your son.  I just don't understand your resistance to do anything to help your child just because it might make your life unpleasant.  If you feel that strongly than you how the hell do you function day to day?  I'm a mandated reporter. If I personally ran across a case like your's I'd call CPS in a hot second. I've done it before and I will probably have to do it again.

 

Because I'm having trouble with the concept of turning our lives upside-down and inside-out (to implement some of the changes recommended here), you wonder how I function every day? I function by...not turning my life upside-down and inside-out. If you'd report someone for not dancing through the tulips over a massive upheaval, you have issues. The kind of structure people are recommending for my ds2 is extremely difficult for me, and also extremely difficult for dd1. Recognizing that it's going to be hard for everyone isn't the same thing as refusing to do it.

 

Just out of curiousity, what exactly do you think CPS would do for me? I know people get a nice warm, fuzzy feeling out of calling CPS, but I've seen them create too much additional chaos in too many lives to get those fuzzies.

post #94 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by stik View Post


ITA. 

 

Stormbride, having your ds wake you up when he gets up in the morning sounds like a nice solution.  Honestly, I don't think the issue is the knives so much as the need for boundaries and guidance.  If it turns out that the knives are a fixation, that might be a different story, but there's no reason to believe that of a kid whose only done that particular thing once.  My kids sometimes like to tromp up and down stairs a lot too, but in the moments when they need a lot of supervision?  If I can't go, they can't go.  Direct supervision doesn't have to mean that you follow him everywhere.  It can mean that he follows you.  If you need a break, he can tromp up the stairs by himself while his sisters are someplace else.  There are a lot of ways to preserve both safety and your knees, you just have to get creative. 

 

He doesn't follow me, though. DS2 listens when he chooses to, yk?

 

What kind of shoes work for you?  Would you be willing to outsource the shoe hunt?  It's summer vacation here.  I have time to run some online searches. 

 

Oh - I'll find them. I just need to bump it up the priority list (keeps getting bumped down by birthday parties, and year-end activites...I had my choir concert, dd1 had her piano recital and ballet, ds1 was performing in a college play festival - and all our birthdays, except dh, are between March and July). What I really need is about a size 6.5EEEEE walking shoe, preferably in black (I need black shoes for the year end choir concert and wear my walking shoes). I've never found that size, so I make do with 7EEEE. Most places just don't stock them. I just need to find an online source.

post #95 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hey Mama! View Post

Get yourself some help.  Get your son some help so that he has the tools to survive and thrive in the world.  And ffs, send your kids to school.  You are harming them by keeping them at home and not doing anything to educate them.  Also, they will receive services at school that they need.  Please, if you do nothing else, do this.  Give them half a chance.  If you won't help yourself, please do something to help your kids. 

 

FFS. I missed this before. How am I not educating them? DS2 reads above grade level. He does math at or above grade level. DD1's science knowledge is about grade seven or eight, in most subjects. Her reading is at about grade level now (was way behind at the beginning of the year, but she's learned a lot). She's a bit behind in math, but made about three months progress in the last week (things have clicked, and she's interested now). They've done workshops in the sciences and the arts (music, printmaking, dance, drawing/painting) and in freaking gold panning this year. They've been on field trips to the science museum, the aquarium, the biodiversity museum, the Bug Zoo and honeybee centre, an old mine that's now a museum, the local farm, etc. They've taken classes in circus arts, Tae Kwon Do, ballet, piano, multimedia art, skating and swimming. One of the moms in our homelearning group is a teacher, and she feels that my kids are very well educated.

 

The services they can access at school are dependent on a diagnosis. I can access them through the group I'm signed up with for homeschooling.

 

You're making up a fantasy out of whole cloth, and it has nothing to do with our lives.

post #96 of 166
I think having your DS come wake you when he gets up sounds wonderful. Caleb does that sometimes and we lay in bed, snuggle, talk and play the belly button game. It's a great way to start the day!

I'm not saying you have to live your life by my rules. Honestly, I'm not. I'm just giving you ideas to bounce around and see if you like any of them. What works for person A doesn't always work for person B.

I have phone anxiety. I do not give good phone. What helps is writing out what I want to say and going off of that. Maybe that would help you?

Prior to getting DS help, he wasn't a nightmare everyday. He'd have good days and bad days. But it got to where the bad days were more frequent and the intensity of the bad days was ramping up. It was scary at times. I felt helpless to help him. I felt powerless to help him. I was terrified of letting another professional in when we'd already been failed lethally failed. It took some prep work and support to be able to make that first call. It took a lot more to get him in for the evaluation. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I was scared. I mean, come on! I've had two kids take their lives! What kind of a f***up parent has that happen? I was afraid of pointed fingers, accusations and negativity. I was met with amazing compassion, patience and understanding. The whole process has not only been invaluable for DS but also for dh and me.

I'm glad you are making the call. I know how hard this is for you. I know how scary this is and the feelings it brings up.

If you want my support, you have it. If you need a hand to hold, you have it. I'm not trying to bash you or be mean. I really do want to see you succeed at getting help for your little guy. He sounds wonderful! I mean that. He sounds smart, funny and likable. He sounds like a challenge too! Lol

You have support here. It may not feel like it, but you do. I'm a pm away if you need anything.
post #97 of 166
Lisa you have gotten a lot of great advice and it would be redundant to repeat any of it. If I were in your shoes I would step away and see if my husband could give me some serious down time to catch up on sleep, rest, and consider my options. You know your family best and in a thread this long there has to be a small bit of advice that can help you. You're the only person who can change your situation and you're clearly miserable. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve a mom who isn't so stressed. Get away for a bit. Rest up. Clear your mind. Make a plan.

Fwiw we just started Feingold with my ds who is a lot like yours. I feel a lot like you do a lot of days too. It's *hard.*. If you want me to type up the Feingold info and pm you, I will. It's kind of expensive to buy but I'd happily provide you with the info if you're interested. I'm surprised how easy the program is.
post #98 of 166
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by DragonflyBlue View Post

I think having your DS come wake you when he gets up sounds wonderful. Caleb does that sometimes and we lay in bed, snuggle, talk and play the belly button game. It's a great way to start the day!

We used to do that. I'm not sure what happened, to tell the truth. I think dh may have decided to take them downstairs to let me sleep, without realizing the cuddle time was awesome! But, dd2 was still doing her marathon morning nursing session at that time, too. (She seems to have quit that - a short one this morning, but I think she's done the long ones. I'm kind of glad - quite ready for her to wean.)

I'm not saying you have to live your life by my rules. Honestly, I'm not. I'm just giving you ideas to bounce around and see if you like any of them. What works for person A doesn't always work for person B.
I have phone anxiety. I do not give good phone. What helps is writing out what I want to say and going off of that. Maybe that would help you?
 
Actually, that's probably a really good idea. In addition to fearing and distrusting doctors, I'm fairly seriously phone phobic - I don't even like caling the pizza place when we do that. A script might help.

Prior to getting DS help, he wasn't a nightmare everyday. He'd have good days and bad days. But it got to where the bad days were more frequent and the intensity of the bad days was ramping up. It was scary at times. I felt helpless to help him. I felt powerless to help him. I was terrified of letting another professional in when we'd already been failed lethally failed. It took some prep work and support to be able to make that first call. It took a lot more to get him in for the evaluation. I felt exposed and vulnerable. I was scared. I mean, come on! I've had two kids take their lives! What kind of a f***up parent has that happen? I was afraid of pointed fingers, accusations and negativity. I was met with amazing compassion, patience and understanding. The whole process has not only been invaluable for DS but also for dh and me.
I'm glad you are making the call. I know how hard this is for you. I know how scary this is and the feelings it brings up.
If you want my support, you have it. If you need a hand to hold, you have it. I'm not trying to bash you or be mean. I really do want to see you succeed at getting help for your little guy. He sounds wonderful! I mean that. He sounds smart, funny and likable. He sounds like a challenge too! Lol
 
He is wonderful! His top Tae Kwon Do teacher says he's one of his all-time favourite students, because he's so enthusiastic and cheerful (even if he doesn't listen well, and does all kinds of talking and such at inappropriate moments). He's full of energy. And, he's super-snuggly.
His cousins have just introduced him (at the birthday party) to one of those trading card games...Yu Gi Oh, I think. It looks as though I'm taking up a new hobby. I wonder if dd1 would like to play, too. I think those card games need at least three players.

You have support here. It may not feel like it, but you do. I'm a pm away if you need anything.
thumb.gif

 

ETA: I just want to mention that the way the quote function on this board handles paragraph spacing is crap.

post #99 of 166
This thread has been on my mind and I want to offer hugs to you (I can't find the icon). I found it hard to admit my dd needed outside help and her problem is just academic. I feel a lot of guilt and I want to cry or scream (usually both) after each time I talked to her teacher because she tried to see problems in all academic areas despite grades and test scores being fine. Our lives and my education was put on hold with intense interventions and pricey outside tutoring. I have an end in sight though and I really can barely imagine how hard it would be to have to admit your child might have a permanent and serious behavior problem that will require extreme changes for a large family that had been running mostly smoothly. I think it is good for you to admit your worries and not just jump in to getting a diagnosis. As a homeschooling mom you don't have to worry so much about the labeling that happens with a diagnosis, but from what I remember as a child doctors put intense pressure on patient and parent to comply and not question. I really think a child psychologist is a better place to start, they can't drug and may be able to help you with next steps if they truly are necessary.
post #100 of 166
DS has huge energy levels. Huge! If I could harness his energy and convert it to power? We could run our house, barn and well off of it. :s

The yu gi oh cards are fun. DS has friends with them and has been asking for some. I owe him a pack of pokemon cards so maybe he'd like those instead. I promised him a pack if he learned to tie his shoes. I've been trying to get him to learn for years. We made a deal and he learned over the weekend! NEVER underestimate the power of bribery!

I never order pizza on the phone. I order it online. Yes, we are in the boonies but our small town has a dominoes and they deliver! Score!


Doctor fear is real. When we lost our daughter, she had been to therapy a few days prior. We had everything locked up. Scissors, medications, ropes, anything we thought could be used for self harm or suicide. At that last appointment, she was upset that we didn't trust her to be safe. She had been safe for months. No suicidal thoughts, no self harm.

Her therapist thought it would be a show of trust to unlock things.

Dh unlocked everything on a Friday while I was on bedrest following our IVF embryo transfer. Monday morning she was dead.

Like I have said, I get it.

It's not rational. Dd was determined. She would have found a way no matter what. But we trusted the judgment of her therapist. We lost her.

My back was really bad a few months ago. My dr sent me to a specialist. I spent more time waiting for him than I did for the visit. He said his spiel after looking at my numerous test results, stood up, shook my hand and started to leave. He seemed annoyed that I started asking questions. I told my dr that he sucked and she should refer to someone else. She agreed.

Blah blah blah. For someone posting from a phone I sure ramble a lot. Ha!

Oh- does your DS like dragons? If you have an iPhone, iPod or iPad I can tell you some fun games he might like. Those might work as motivators or rewards. There's a few games DS loves that your boy might.

If you want someone to look over your script for the call on Monday, you can pm it to me. I'd be happy to go over it and offer ideas or suggestions if you'd like.

I'm off to bed. Almost midnight and I'm worn out. It was my cows birthday today so we had a party for him. That with everything else we did today? I'm beat!
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