Dealing with a problematic 17 year old stepdaugher...

[LLopez]

My  17 year stepdaughter  moved with us to start fresh - new school- no bad friends 1 year ago... so far she is failing school, (she will be kicked out as soon as she turns 18) she lied, hasn't  tried to get a job, hasn't got her driver license or permit  bc she said the booklet is too boring,  she smokes pot at home, (of course she denies she does)  got drunk in someones house and sneaks out- stuff had disappeared from home and u think she cares? no..  when confronted she lies, cries and nothing you said gets  trough her.. when you talk to her about she will be 18 pretty soon and if she doesn't get a job or finish school she will be moving out she says she is not ready for the world and give her dad a guilt trip - when is convenient for her she is a baby or a 17 year old who can do what she wants... 

 

she doesn't help at all at home, her room - bathroom is disgusting.. im tired of this situation, I do care and love her but i don't know what to do..we cant leave the home alone as we afraid of what may happen.. I have done alot for her since I met her 6 years ago and it breaks my heart seeing her wasting her life away.. Dad doesn't know what to do, he grounded her, talked to her but nothing works.. he said is time to let her go and maybe she will learn on her own as she is almost 18...  the thing is there is no fighting at home, she is so good at manipulating the situation.. she is always telling you she loves you and is nice to you so is hard to stay mad at her... Im in my 40's never have kids (my choice)  so i dont have any experience dealing with teenagers...

 

Any advice? 

 

Thank you------

Edited by LLopez - 7/5/12 at 10:06am

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

Hi Llopez.  Welcome to MDC.  I'm so sorry that you are having such a rough time with your daughter.  I'm going to move this thread over the our preteen and teen forum, so you can get some answers from some of the moms over there. 

[chaimom]

Not knowing your step daughter, its hard to offer real advice, but have you tried getting her into counseling?  Have you tried talking to a counselor to get ideas on how to handle her and get her reconnected?  

Have you looked into alternative schools?    My thoughts are that if a kid isn't motivated in school, despite having a supportive family, that he or she might have a learning disability that makes accessing school particularly difficult.  

Sorry you're having to go through this.  It sounds very frustrating and heartwrenching. I hope you can find her some help before she's on her own.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by chaimom 

Have you looked into alternative schools?    My thoughts are that if a kid isn't motivated in school, despite having a supportive family, that he or she might have a learning disability that makes accessing school particularly difficult.  

 I agree with this. In our city, there are 3 schools that work with kids like your DD and try to help them graduate. One is a private school, but the other 2 are charters with rolling enrollment. I wonder if finding a school that is accustomed to working with kids and trying to keep them from falling through the cracks might help.

My other thought is to provide her with more scaffolding to help her get things done. For example, the driving book is really, really boring and very hard to learn from. We ended up enrolling our daughter in a one day class through a private driving school (it cost like $50). She got through all the material that way and they administer the written portion of the test there, so it made it VERY easy for her to get her permit.

It seems that several of your issues with her revolve around substance abuse issues. I'm not sure how best to address those. I'm wondering if ala-non would be helpful. It seems that there should be a way to be supportive of your sd without enabling her.

[LLopez]

Thank you all for your advice, she is going to an alternative school - her moving here was to have another chance at school and to start fresh  but we just found out from her that she is being using pot for the last 3 year on a regular basis.. we are taking her to see a counselor- doctor as this sunday because we told her no she wasn't able to spend the night with her friends (she is grounded for smoking pot at home) she went crazy, smashing things in her room, trying to destroy our personal belonging, screaming, cursing, yelling at me (which she never done before) packing her bags to run away and just bc her dad said no to a simple request...  I have never seen her like that and it was bad..   it can be the drugs or something else..