Anyone else NOT spilling the beans when they're in labor? « Back to Group Discussions

[ilovetchotchkes]

I've decided that its going to be: 

Me, My husband, my Doula, Midwife and my friend who is watching my 2 year old. That. Is. It. 

Reason for this? when my SIL was in labor a few weeks ago, my father in law took it upon himself to show up at their house and try to convince my brother in law to do an oil change on the car and "just talk". It took my BIL 45 minutes to get him to leave, assuring him that the car would make it 2 miles to the hospital without an oil change and they'd do it as soon as the baby was born. 

My in laws have a tendency to annoy the living SNOT out of me. They're nice people, but if I'm not feeling well? or in pain, their antics seriously make me have basically a RAEG STROKE. 

How did others handle or how are you planning on handling this? Just say off hand when they baby DOES come "you have no idea, it was SUCH a fast labor! 45 minutes!!!!" or do you just say "hey, sorry about that" 

[eleuthia]

I think you could just say "labor was really intense and we were both so focused on it that we didn't get to make those calls before birth" or just "we decided to keep it a surprise!" 

One thing that friends of mine do is disable their facebook wall (& tagging) so no one else can share the news before they want to. 

I tend to use the internet as a distraction when I'm stressed or in pain. Who knows if that will hold true when I'm in labor, but I may end up posting all over everywhere. But none of my family (or his) lives close enough to just pop on over to annoy us or get in the way! And if my mom's not already here, I'll need to let her know as soon as possible since I'd like her here and it's a 12hr drive... which means everyone else in my family will know within approximately 2.5 minutes. 

[NewMumJoy]

Originally Posted by eleuthia 

....One thing that friends of mine do is disable their facebook wall (& tagging) so no one else can share the news before they want to. 

THAT is a very good idea which I'll have to remember.....  DH and his family have a tendency to "overshare" on FB and I can totally see pics of me looking like a trainwreck, trying to nurse, being posted to my dismay....

Both our families live nowhere close to us, so unwanted guests won't be an issue - we'll just get a deluge of phone calls and texts from my inlaws, which I'll leave DH to handle.  I probably won't tell my parents though until after the baby is born - they are such dramatic worriers that I'd rather spare them from a potentially looong day / sleepless night and just spring the good news on them when Baby is here.

(..... Then again, I'm an Internet junkie so it might be hard to me to pass the pains/time without a relevant status update, so we shall see...)

I'll admit I was shocked (and a little disappointed) when my brother/SIL did this (waited until after the birth to break the news) mostly b/c I wanted to just be there "emotionally" for them while they were going through labor even though we were a great distance apart.... but once the baby is here, there is so much else to be excited and grateful for that you quickly get over it.... so do what's right for you!!!

[Thandiwe]

I haven't decided how we'll handle it yet.  My family as well as my in-laws all live a good 2 hours away so I'm not worried about drop in visits (plus we're not very close so I don't foresee the interest on their part).  I've always had my mom present (minus the last one - she was there during the day, went to a local place to rest, and then was going to be there except he came too quick, too early).  But I'm not sure I want extras this time.  We'll have the midwife, the doula, and possibly a photographer friend of mine if she makes it and I'm still feeling like I want extra company present.  As much as I think it's tough to field the updates on FB when you *are* in labor, it was really nice last labor at 3:30am when I was feeling at the end of my rope to hear affirmations from friends who were awake.  I think we'll play it by ear and not leave anything written in stone. 
 

[Tizzy]

We haven't told anyone the previous 3 times, I was especially grateful for this when baby #2 was a 69hr labour   it was very important to me to not feel like the clock was ticking.

I think by now everyone is kind of getting accustomed to us phoning them the morning after?  Of all things, we haven't had any negative reactions from not broadcasting at the first sign.

I don't like being a watched pot, I don't want any opinions on how fast or slow things go, and I definitely don't want any uninvited company LOL

[sallyrae17]

My family lives pretty far away, so I'll let them know when I'm in labor. I'm counting on my partner's mom to be around to help with my son, so I'll definitely have to let her know if she isn't here already. She lives about 2 hours away and is planning to be staying with us from the 10th of August until baby comes (I'm "due" the 12th). I definitely won't mind having her around the house. My mom, on the other hand, would probably drive me nuts. :) She's about 4 1/2 hours away and will be coming for a long weekend after baby arrives. She'll be incredibly helpful and everything, don't get me wrong, but I just wouldn't have her waiting for the baby to arrive at my house...and it's not something she's interested in doing either. 

I plan to have my partner, my son, my two doulas and possibly my really good friend at my birth. My partner's mom might be there (depending on how everything goes down) and/or my partner's sister. I have no problem kicking people out of the room, though, if I feel uncomfortable. I am dreadfully honest in labor. 

[FeralFox]

We live with Wuff's parents, so they'll have to know.  Other than that, we want to keep silent.  I hope they'll respect our wishes and not tell any other family.  We're not having visitors in the hospital at all, so there's no reason for anyone to know until we come home.

[Lizbiz]

We usually phone both sets of our parents to ask them to pray for us while we're in labor.  I've never, ever, heard another word from them until we call with the news of the birth - and I've had long labors.  I also usually send an email to a select group of friends to let them know and ask them to pray as well.  I can't imagine anyone daring to drop in without being expressly invited (not that they could have in either case due to distance, but I just don't think they would have).  

This time, we'll be in labor in my in laws house, and I think my father in law will probably disappear for the most part, and my mother in law, as is her usual style - will be helpful if she's asked, and will otherwise just lay back.  I am grateful because she's so great with our kids and I'm pretty sure, if it's daytime when things get serious, she will just take over in that area and let my husband tend to me.  She's REALLY excited to be one of the first to meet our new baby, and I'm really excited for that too!  They've always been so supportive of our unassisted home birthing ways, and so I feel fairly laid back about being there.  I'd be more nervous about being at my own parents' house, because my mom - though supportive - is a little anxious in her older age, and my dad, though he doesn't express it as much, is also nervous.  I think it's easier for them that we're not there - although they've already said we could have the baby in their house if we wanted... which is so generous.  

[ainh]

We don't tell people when we're headed to the hospital.  We go, get checked and in both cases it was progressing fast and we didn't want to be bothered with the phone.  As far as I know, no one was upset that they didn't hear earlier.  In fact, my mom is such a worry wart that I'm sure she was very glad to just hear that all went well after the fact.
 

[Ninetales]

We don't plan to tell when we go in.  Well, whoever is watching Elsa will know, of course, but we have made it clear that we will let people know when we're ready for visitors.  The plan is, if the baby is coming soon and it's waking hours, we will tell our parents and siblings, and they can come wait at the hospital if they want.  If it's going to be the middle of the night, we'll have the baby, sleep or at least rest up, J can get up and go home to shower and pick up Elsa.  Then after I see her and she meets the baby we'll let everyone know we're ready.
 

[texasfarmom]

With DD1 we let everyone know in advance that we would let them know after the baby was born and that we didn't want visitors too soon. Also, I let people know who I knew would want to be holding the baby that we would not be playing "pass the baby". I'm the momma and I want to hold my baby skin to skin for a long while after birth and others could hold the baby on a very limited basis in the following days. I think my mom was a little irritated that she couldn'tcome right away and hold the baby right away. We called them the morning after DD was born, but asked them not to come until we called again later in the evening. DD was in the hospital, but this next one will be at home with a midwife.

I expect we will do the same thing this time. It's just a personal thing, it's my baby and I want to hold it. Plus, now we have DD who people can focus some attention on when we come over and not just be all about the new baby (I hope).

[sarahdb]

Originally Posted by Tizzy 

I don't like being a watched pot, I don't want any opinions on how fast or slow things go, and I definitely don't want any uninvited company LOL

We're not planning on telling anyone. When I'm in intense or emotional situations, I tend to go inward and want to be left alone. I'm guessing that's how I'll be during labor. DH's mom will be calling every couple of hours if she knows I'm in labor, and I'll find that incredibly distracting, and almost like I'm on stage or something. At that point, I don't want to be worrying about anyone besides myself and the baby (MIL will be sooo worried while I'm in labor--she thinks homebirth is the worst idea ever). And we don't live near any family, so we don't have to deal with the issue of them popping in sooner than we want. 

I think it would be nice to know people are thinking about me and sending good thoughts during the hard work of labor. But honestly, I'm not sure I'll care at that point.

ilovetchotchkes--if it were me, I would just be totally upfront about what you want. It's definitely a time when you get to express what your preferences are. I would just tell people that you wanted the birth to be a special time for you and your DH--that you wanted it to be a private experience this time. That's what I ended up telling my mom when she thought she would plan her visit for when I'd be giving birth. She seemed to take it OK.

[Honey693]

Both our families are 5 hours away so we'll probably at least call my mom.  I don't care if DH wants to call his.  Beyond that the only person we're telling is the friend who's watching the girls.

[ithappened]

my only friends in town are currently on vacation in Iceland until August... my family is a 23 hour flight away so they never know anything unless I email them anyway....  and DH family is so checked out/don't care about us they won't known I gave birth unless we call them and let the know.. . so I'm not really worried about anyone knowing.

I think I could give birth and no one would ask for a good 3-4 weeks afterwards and thats assuming they even know when I'm due...
 

[mtngirl81]

We aren't planning to let anyone know until a day or two after with the exception of my closest friend... we really want to spend time with just the 2 of us and the babe without any crazy phone calls or having people call us for updates. We're also asking our family (other than my mom) to not visit us until the following month for the same reason above... we just want to bond with our babe as well get our 2 dogs used to the newborn. My mother will be coming for a week or so to help us around the house. We know she will just leave us alone and help out whenever necessary without being intrusive. She's awesome like that! IT's a good thing we live a 16 hour drive from our family ;-)

[keuriweo]

I hadn't really thought about calling up my family to let them know that I'm in labor...I guess I don't think that's something that they really need to know.  I've told DH that he needs to call them for me after the baby is born.  If it's up to me to call them, they probably wouldn't find out about the birth for at least 24hrs (probably longer than that.)  I'm assuming that I won't want to be making a bunch of phone calls.

And no Facebooking the event live, of course.  I figure that, within a couple of days time, we'll post a pic or something.  I'm not very active on FB, anyway, so it'd look pretty weird if I suddenly started posting things like "I'm in labor!!!!!"

My MIL and SIL are going to be visiting (they've volunteered to come cook and stock up our freezer.  Who can say no to that?)  They're driving in from out of state and staying in a hotel (so no house guests!)  DH will let them know when labor starts and will update them from time to time (theoretically) but he's already told them to stay away from the hospital until we are ready for visitors. 

I never thought I'd be like this but these past several weeks I've become rather possessive and I'm not sure I'm going to want visitors coming too soon since they will surely want to hold the baby.  Honestly, I think I might not like it if DH tries to hold the baby!  (Guess I'll have to get used to that.)  She's with me all the time now - well, withIN me, really - and I guess I want to be greedy and keep her to myself.  Well, I think this way now - who knows how I'll feel postpartum.

[Sol_y_Paz]

Sounds like your inlaws will be great keuriweo!  I had a relative offer to help me several times so I asked them what that meant.  They wanted to hold and feed the baby to let me rest and just hang out and talk to keep me company.  I told them I had the baby under control but what I really needed help with was household stuff, meals, laundry, dishes.  They said they weren't interested in any of that.  

[iixivboots]

Originally Posted by Sol_y_Paz 

Sounds like your inlaws will be great keuriweo!  I had a relative offer to help me several times so I asked them what that meant.  They wanted to hold and feed the baby to let me rest and just hang out and talk to keep me company.  I told them I had the baby under control but what I really needed help with was household stuff, meals, laundry, dishes.  They said they weren't interested in any of that.  

Sol, that is lame of them.

I sort of feel like keuriweo, it never really occurred to me that I would tell anyone we were going to the hospital. I don't want a bunch of people watching me or whatever. I also plan to stop working a little early so I really feel sensitive that people might be judgmental that I took time off before actually having the baby.

[Veritas Vitae]

Based on the reaction I've seen my sister and friend's get, I am not really sure I want to tell my family beforehand, and definitely no labor updates on FB.  During my sister's labor people kept calling and stopping by, posting on FB for updates and even though I wasn't the one in labor, it was annoying me.  So I can't imagine I'd be okay with it for my own labor.  I guess my mom would have to know (and she was one of the worst offenders) because she is supposed to watch my 3yo niece, as my sister is going to Doula for me.  So then my sister will know, but I 'think' (preggo brain) I've already talked to her about NO posting or updating on Facebook or any other place.  I'm really sort of torn, because my sister wants to bring my niece, who will be 5mo, with her to the birth center in case she needs to nurse, but I don't really want a baby there. I can't imagine she would be able to effectively Doula and take photos while caring for a 5mo at the same time, and I feel like it would be distracting for me.  However, my mom can't watch a baby because she does not have the strength/mobility to pick her up. So then I considered calling my MIL to drive up (she is 4.5 hours away) when we go into labor to maybe help out with my younger niece, and because I also think it would be really special for her to be there after the birth and to meet her granddaughter. I love my ILs, and they are really more supportive and caring than my own family with all of this, so I would hate for her not to be here, and by here, I mean at the house for when we come home, not at the birth center. I guess as I get closer to my EDD, I should put some more thought into this.  The logistics of it all make me want to just not tell anyone and then a day after the birth, notify all of my family, and a couple of days after, just post a pic of my new baby on FB. Plus, in my head, I still think it would be very special for B and I to just experience this on our own. I definitely don't want a 3 ring circus to deal with. I've mentioned to B more than once that I'm still unsure of having anyone else at the birth.

[Lizbiz]

Veritas - I am also one of those people who do NOT want a 3-ring circus at my births.  I'm very much in need of peace and quiet and the freedom for it to just be me and my husband.  My first birth was midwife attended - and I LOVED both of my lovely, unobtrusive midwives... so that worked out very well.  One was a bit too chatty though (the assisting midwife who I hadn't really spent much time with before) - she realized I was Christian about 1/2 way through from my book collection on the shelf, and started talking faith with me and I just about wanted to throttle her... it was just not the time, and seriously, at that point, I was in really active labor.  I kept my answers brief, but polite, and she eventually quieted down and took my social cues pretty well, but I still have memories of how challenging it was and how much energy it took to handle that conversation.  I bet, for some women, conversation can be distracting - but not for me.  

I loved my second birth, which was just me and my husband.  It was really peaceful and I was totally uninhibited - and it was magical to meet our daughter, just the three of us in the middle of the night.  We had a friend on deck to call if we needed help with childcare or anything else, but ultimately, we didn't call her until after the birth to come over and help with clean up, cooking, etc.  I chose her very carefully too - I knew I could be around her naked, totally out there, and she is such a totally peaceful and accepting and lovely person... and who is totally outside of herself and cued in to other's needs.  I'd ask her again but she lives in Germany now, dangit!

Anyway, all that to say - I would not hesitate to follow your instincts and gently, lovingly, insist on what you and B want for the birth of your daughter.  If that means your sister is not the doula, and you ultimately decide you just want it to be you and B - that's ok.  I don't know that I'd want a 5 month old at my birth either.