or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › 12 year old daughter looking at porn?!
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

12 year old daughter looking at porn?!

post #1 of 57
Thread Starter 

HI Everyone, 

I have not joined in the forums in several years, I have been busy raising my daughter and, well, with life. We are now approaching the age 13 and I realize I am going to need these forums (and others) more than ever!

I apologize for the forward nature of my subject title but I admit, I am kind of freaking out. 

 

I am a single mom, its just my daughter and I and we have a pretty close relationship. Granted lately she is like a different person, angry and frustrated more but I know hormones are raging. 

But recently I had confronted her (about a month and a half ago) because I had been concerned about her dark mood and looked in some of her papers and she had written down a 'private' note that she had looked at porn and it listed the web address. 

I confronted her and at first she denied it then admitted it and cried a lot. I tried not to shame her but told her I would monitor the computer use. I have not been monitering her itouch however since she reads books on it and I honestly don't know how to check the history on an itouch. 

 

Anyway, I recently had to recover some lost data on my computer and through the recovery process It recovered a lot more than I expected; there were images of other websites she had visited and some of them are showing teenagers partaking in this graphic porn! I don't know if this is from before I confronted her but I am really worried and concerned. 

She is at her dad's this weekend, she is safe with him, he's a good guy but I need to confront her again I think but I need some guidance here----have any of you dealt with this? Know anything about this? I really appreciate any and all advice!! greensad.gifdizzy.gif

post #2 of 57

 Hi there!

 

I'm new to Mothering and someone suggested I check out this forum since I have older daughters (21, 19 and 15) plus a five year old and one on the way.

 

I can certainly understand your pain and confusion. Media controls everything in the age we are raising our children in...they easily have access (continuous most times thanks to smart phones and the like) to a wide range of information. Some of it horribly damaging...like porn.

 

This is actually quite a dangerous situation for your daughter.Porn is highly addictive and once she has begun watching it she will continue to. I believe your immediate intervention is necessary and you probably need to bring your husband and any other caregivers onboard.  It sounds awful but a complete lockdown is necessary...you may need to install software that will filter inappropriate sites and any piece of equipment that has internet access will have to be taken away or the usage of those severely monitored.

 

I  would suggest that you explain to your daughter that porn gives a completely twisted view of sex...worse yet, it exploits women and young children. People who view porn at a young age find it difficult to engage in healthy sex later on in life. I speak from experience here since my own husband had very unrealistic expectations which led to a very unhappy early marriage, caused him to have erectile dysfunction and it took nearly 19 years for us to get it together. Porn addiction led to an affair and though I know that this is a child we're talking about...this is the reality of what porn does.

 

I'm certainly not qualified to give you professional advice, but maybe your young daughter may even need counselling...she obviously feels guilt about watching it. It is a sad reality that our children are being raised in a time when they are saturated  by sex. The lines are constantly being blurred on what is normal and  healthy.

 

Maybe you would find some support over at this website, where the subject is exactly that and more. Visit Sheila at www.tolovehonourandvacuum.com.Hope this helps!

 

Good luck!

post #3 of 57

My advice would be to stop "confronting" her. Obviously make it clear that porn is off limits and why, in your own opinion, and set up blocking software. If she breaks rules you've made clear then matter of factly hand out the consequences. But confrontation is the last thing a moody teen needs. Have conversations with her, ask calm, open questions about her life and feelings and actively listen. If she opens up to you positively reinforce it. Hormones can inflate feelings a lot but they are real to begin with and become real when they're larger than life too, try to never diminish them they're genuine and they need working through. A lot of it's just curiosity I'll bet, even if she knows the basics maybe a book or two with more healthy age appropriate info about sex (and in keeping with your family's morals) might be helpful?

post #4 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbeangirl View Post

 Hi there!

 

I'm new to Mothering and someone suggested I check out this forum since I have older daughters (21, 19 and 15) plus a five year old and one on the way.

 

I can certainly understand your pain and confusion. Media controls everything in the age we are raising our children in...they easily have access (continuous most times thanks to smart phones and the like) to a wide range of information. Some of it horribly damaging...like porn.

 

This is actually quite a dangerous situation for your daughter.Porn is highly addictive and once she has begun watching it she will continue to. I believe your immediate intervention is necessary and you probably need to bring your husband and any other caregivers onboard.  It sounds awful but a complete lockdown is necessary...you may need to install software that will filter inappropriate sites and any piece of equipment that has internet access will have to be taken away or the usage of those severely monitored.

 

I  would suggest that you explain to your daughter that porn gives a completely twisted view of sex...worse yet, it exploits women and young children. People who view porn at a young age find it difficult to engage in healthy sex later on in life. I speak from experience here since my own husband had very unrealistic expectations which led to a very unhappy early marriage, caused him to have erectile dysfunction and it took nearly 19 years for us to get it together. Porn addiction led to an affair and though I know that this is a child we're talking about...this is the reality of what porn does.

 

I'm certainly not qualified to give you professional advice, but maybe your young daughter may even need counselling...she obviously feels guilt about watching it. It is a sad reality that our children are being raised in a time when they are saturated  by sex. The lines are constantly being blurred on what is normal and  healthy.

 

Maybe you would find some support over at this website, where the subject is exactly that and more. Visit Sheila at www.tolovehonourandvacuum.com.Hope this helps!

 

Good luck!

 



While I don't agree with a young teen viewing porn I disagree with your statement about it being dangerous and highly addictive or that it will give her daughter a twisted view of sex. I have watched porn since I was an older teen I have a healthy sex life with my spouse of 18 yrs,porn has in no way inhibited my healthy views of sex. Also why does porn only affect women are men not in porn also?

post #5 of 57
It's actually not that unusual at this age. Stay calm if you can, and try not to over react
Kids are very curious at this age.
post #6 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbeangirl View Post

 Hi there!

 

I'm new to Mothering and someone suggested I check out this forum since I have older daughters (21, 19 and 15) plus a five year old and one on the way.

 

I can certainly understand your pain and confusion. Media controls everything in the age we are raising our children in...they easily have access (continuous most times thanks to smart phones and the like) to a wide range of information. Some of it horribly damaging...like porn.

 

This is actually quite a dangerous situation for your daughter.Porn is highly addictive and once she has begun watching it she will continue to. I believe your immediate intervention is necessary and you probably need to bring your husband and any other caregivers onboard.  It sounds awful but a complete lockdown is necessary...you may need to install software that will filter inappropriate sites and any piece of equipment that has internet access will have to be taken away or the usage of those severely monitored.

 

I  would suggest that you explain to your daughter that porn gives a completely twisted view of sex...worse yet, it exploits women and young children. People who view porn at a young age find it difficult to engage in healthy sex later on in life. I speak from experience here since my own husband had very unrealistic expectations which led to a very unhappy early marriage, caused him to have erectile dysfunction and it took nearly 19 years for us to get it together. Porn addiction led to an affair and though I know that this is a child we're talking about...this is the reality of what porn does.

 

I'm certainly not qualified to give you professional advice, but maybe your young daughter may even need counselling...she obviously feels guilt about watching it. It is a sad reality that our children are being raised in a time when they are saturated  by sex. The lines are constantly being blurred on what is normal and  healthy.

 

Maybe you would find some support over at this website, where the subject is exactly that and more. Visit Sheila at www.tolovehonourandvacuum.com.Hope this helps!

 

Good luck!


I would have to agree with this statement. Having been there, done that. Granted that there is some who come out of it okay. I viewed porn when I was 9. I was scared to have sex for 3 years after my first time because I thought it as something different. greensad.gif

post #7 of 57

Nearly every one at some point get curious about porn and views it, and most do not go on to become addicted to it and screwed up.

 

If it were me, I would put internet security on EVERY device in the house that can access the web, including her iTouch, and I would hire someone to help me with this if I had any trouble figuring it on my own. It is very easy to erase the history on a device, so I would just make sure there wasn't a way to access it in the first place. Because while I don't see viewing porn as the end of the world, I don't see it as positive for a tween/teen to be viewing it, either.

 

I would also get some very frank books about sex and provide her with real information. I do agree that porn presents a very skewed view of things (and I know this because I've watched porn).

 

Some good books are:

http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Puberty-All-That-Stuff/dp/0764129929/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341778865&sr=1-1&keywords=puberty

 

http://www.amazon.com/Its-Perfectly-Normal-Changing-Growing/dp/0763644846/ref=sr_1_15?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1341778983&sr=1-15&keywords=puberty

 

I think 12 is a really difficult age for girls. Both my girls were easier to deal with by about 13 1/2.

 

And my advice, which might seem odd, is whatever the two of you can do together and have fun and sort of connect, take time to do it. Even if that is sitting is Starbucks together having a drink and reading books and barely speaking -- this is a tough age and some moms and daughters kinda of loose each other. Keep reaching out to her, keep trying to find ways to connect with her, even when it doesn't seem to be working. She will get through this stage, and you want to still have a relationship with her when she gets to the other end of it. hug2.gif

post #8 of 57
I disagree with everything Caribbean girl wrote.


I'd tell your daughter the same as I told mine. These sights leave out the love and feelings between two people. It has to be viewed with caution because it is not real life... its more like Hollywood..... you know... closer to fantasy and fiction and in no way based in the reality of the rocking way that two people can really connect with each other on a physical and spiritual level. Then, I bought a brand new copy of "The Joy Of Sex" and left it in their rooms. I'm very sex positive in my home. I hope my kids have bed rocking, floor shaking sex some day with partners that really care about them. I caution them to only sleep with folks they want in their gene pool..... be selective, be safe, respect yourself and your partner.
post #9 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

I disagree with everything Caribbean girl wrote.
I'd tell your daughter the same as I told mine. These sights leave out the love and feelings between two people. It has to be viewed with caution because it is not real life... its more like Hollywood..... you know... closer to fantasy and fiction and in no way based in the reality of the rocking way that two people can really connect with each other on a physical and spiritual level. Then, I bought a brand new copy of "The Joy Of Sex" and left it in their rooms. I'm very sex positive in my home. I hope my kids have bed rocking, floor shaking sex some day with partners that really care about them. I caution them to only sleep with folks they want in their gene pool..... be selective, be safe, respect yourself and your partner.

I love this! 

post #10 of 57
I found a porn magazine when I was about that age and was quite obsessed with it for a few months. In my adult life, I have viewed porn on and off but have never been addicted to it or felt bad about myself because of it. I don't think a 12 year old should have regular access to it- put securities on her devices. On her itouch, she can delete the history faster than you can check it, so I dont know what you can do about that. But, the worse you make it out to be the more appealing it becomes.


Philomom- Im kinda grossed out by my the idea of my kids having bed shaking sex. Just sayin' I want them to be happy, but Im trying not to visualize it.
post #11 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Philomom- Im kinda grossed out by my the idea of my kids having bed shaking sex. Just sayin' I want them to be happy, but Im trying not to visualize it.


Notice, I said "someday". Let's hope that day is still in the future.
post #12 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

I disagree with everything Caribbean girl wrote.
I'd tell your daughter the same as I told mine. These sights leave out the love and feelings between two people. It has to be viewed with caution because it is not real life... its more like Hollywood..... you know... closer to fantasy and fiction and in no way based in the reality of the rocking way that two people can really connect with each other on a physical and spiritual level. Then, I bought a brand new copy of "The Joy Of Sex" and left it in their rooms. I'm very sex positive in my home. I hope my kids have bed rocking, floor shaking sex some day with partners that really care about them. I caution them to only sleep with folks they want in their gene pool..... be selective, be safe, respect yourself and your partner.


I have 3 daughters ages 17,15 and 7 I have a very open door policy and relationship with my older 2 about this kind of stuff and I may have to pick up 3 copies of this book 1 for me and 1 each for them. LOL

post #13 of 57

I'm sorry you disagree, the only thing we agree on here is that both men and women are in porn..which I didn't clarify.  Maybe you are able to believe that porn is 'healthy' and hasn't affected you or your sex life but many women (and men) face this cold, hard reality. Porn IS addictive and it IS destructive...that's something people will debate forever!  I reserve the right to call  it dangerous for young people, since I happen to know of young girls who through porn sites' chat rooms became prey for men, quite a few of them actually going the distance with these men.  Call me biased if you will but I have encountered too many cases of what porn does to people's tastes in the sexual department. Too many cases where people can only get aroused by watching it and when there are some out there who are drawn deeper and deeper into the darkest side of it. Have you ever had to counsel a young person who was  raped by some disgusting man who wanted to act out a scene from one of his porn movies?  Have you ever heard of a young boy being killed because he was buggered with a sharp instrument by two other young boys? What about the rape of an animal by some sicko which then needs to be euthanized?  An 87 year old man rapes a 13 year old relative, an older cousin molesting a pre-pubescent, the rape of a 3 year old girl. Too much and all so close to home. Maybe others can block out these realities because  they aren't 'in your face' like it is where I live. 

 

Even though Philomom disagrees with me, there is one statement she made with which I agree...sex is also spiritual. Porn degrades and detracts from what the sexual act is supposed to be...the cleaving of soul and body.  I teach my daughters that sex is for marriage and requires commitment,not just 'love'. This is obviously a case of personal values here...since most people who responded seem to think that a loving relationship is the only requirement. The reality is that porn's imagery is burned into your mind, if you are fantasizing about something you saw or read (there's written porn too) while you are with your husband, you aren't connecting with him as you ought to be and if he is fantasizing about the hot busty blonde on the tv, he's just doing the physical act with you...maybe that's fine with other people. I aim for something higher and I got it.  Someday I hope my girls will have satisfying sex  lives with their husbands and they'll have the right  resources to learn the truth about what sex really is and what it isn't.

 

The main point I was trying to get across is that we need to protect our children from what porn CAN do to them, even if it hasn't been done to you personally...does anyone want to take the chance that her daughter/son becomes one of the statistics?

post #14 of 57
Just to be clear, people were raped and molested long before the porn industry. Let's not blame centuries of screwed up sexual behavior that is typically passed down through generations of abuse on some internet videos. It's just a tad naive.


Also, little kids are preyed upon in plenty more dangerous places than chat rooms. My sister was preyed upon (the first time) in a teenage fan fiction forum about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Creeps are everywhere.
post #15 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

Also, little kids are preyed upon in plenty more dangerous places than chat rooms. My sister was preyed upon (the first time) in a teenage fan fiction forum about Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Creeps are everywhere.

 

 

yeah, I was preyed upon at church. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault. I really should have avoided church. (I never take my kids there -- it doesn't feel safe to me)
 

Porn really isn't addictive for everyone. Most people are capable of viewing out of curiosity, and then going on with their lives. I'm not saying its healthy or in anyway good for children, but I think that CG is really, really overstating the dangers and oversimplifying reality.

post #16 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post

I disagree with everything Caribbean girl wrote.
I'd tell your daughter the same as I told mine. These sights leave out the love and feelings between two people. It has to be viewed with caution because it is not real life... its more like Hollywood..... you know... closer to fantasy and fiction and in no way based in the reality of the rocking way that two people can really connect with each other on a physical and spiritual level. Then, I bought a brand new copy of "The Joy Of Sex" and left it in their rooms. I'm very sex positive in my home. I hope my kids have bed rocking, floor shaking sex some day with partners that really care about them. I caution them to only sleep with folks they want in their gene pool..... be selective, be safe, respect yourself and your partner.


clap.gif Amen to all of that.

 

OP, just know that this is normal behavior and that this exploration doesn't mean your daughter is or will become any kind of sexual deviant. JamieCatheryn also had some great advice- you have your household rules, and you're making those clear, but also try to keep the lines of communication open. You might even introduce her to some resources that provide sound information and advice about questions she may be having that she might not feel comfortable asking her parents about- Scarleteen is a great site, and Columbia University's Go Ask Alice has tons of stuff on sexual as well as mental and physical health. Check them out yourself and see what you think! (Keep in mind, too, that even if some of it seems risqué, it's likely that she's being exposed to a lot of it at school anyway, and that her peers are less likely to be able to frame the issues in healthy, accurate ways.)

post #17 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Caribbeangirl View Post

 Hi there!

 

I'm new to Mothering and someone suggested I check out this forum since I have older daughters (21, 19 and 15) plus a five year old and one on the way.

 

I can certainly understand your pain and confusion. Media controls everything in the age we are raising our children in...they easily have access (continuous most times thanks to smart phones and the like) to a wide range of information. Some of it horribly damaging...like porn.

 

This is actually quite a dangerous situation for your daughter.Porn is highly addictive and once she has begun watching it she will continue to. I believe your immediate intervention is necessary and you probably need to bring your husband and any other caregivers onboard.  It sounds awful but a complete lockdown is necessary...you may need to install software that will filter inappropriate sites and any piece of equipment that has internet access will have to be taken away or the usage of those severely monitored.

 

I  would suggest that you explain to your daughter that porn gives a completely twisted view of sex...worse yet, it exploits women and young children. People who view porn at a young age find it difficult to engage in healthy sex later on in life. I speak from experience here since my own husband had very unrealistic expectations which led to a very unhappy early marriage, caused him to have erectile dysfunction and it took nearly 19 years for us to get it together. Porn addiction led to an affair and though I know that this is a child we're talking about...this is the reality of what porn does.

 

I'm certainly not qualified to give you professional advice, but maybe your young daughter may even need counselling...she obviously feels guilt about watching it. It is a sad reality that our children are being raised in a time when they are saturated  by sex. The lines are constantly being blurred on what is normal and  healthy.

 

Maybe you would find some support over at this website, where the subject is exactly that and more. Visit Sheila at www.tolovehonourandvacuum.com.Hope this helps!

 

Good luck!

This.  And I would let her check out http://www.shelleylubben.com/  Porn can be very destructive for both the actors/actress and the people that watch it. I can't suport an industry that allows rape, sex trafficking, and physical/mental/emotional/sexual abuse of any human.

post #18 of 57
36 porn stars died that we know of from HIV, suicide, homicide and drugs between 2007 and 2010.

How many waitresses die of HIV every year? How many landscapers, accountants, or high school students die every year of HIV?

66% of porn performers have Herpes, a non-curable disease.

1 in every 6 Americans have herpes. This is a rampant STI- porn industry or not.

2,396 cases of Chlamydia and 1,389 cases of Gonorrhea reported among performers since 2004.


That sucks. It's their descion to be in the sex industry. The majority of porn stars that you see in porn that you are finding when searching google are not enslaved, being raped, or being abused. Most every one of them is there 100% willingly, making damn good money.

Over 100 straight and gay performers died from AIDS.
More than 15,000 citizens die each year from AIDS. Why do we only care about the 100 that work in the porn industry.

26 cases of HIV reported by Adult Industry Medical Healthcare Foundation (AIM), since 2004.

Well, thats not very many.

70% of sexually transmitted infections in the porn industry occur in females according to County of Los Angeles Public Health.

females typically have more symptoms and are more regularly tested.

Chlamydia and Gonorrhea among performers is 10x greater than that of LA County 20-24 year olds.

I just dont believe that. How many 20-24 year old in LA county are being tested regularly? Performers are tested way more frequently than most girls.

The largest group viewing online- pornography is ages 12 to 17.
Not true. The largest consumers of online porn is actually 35-49 year old men. Sure, that doesnt account for all the free porn, but honestly, almost every guy I know in his 20's and 30's looks at porn online.

More than 11 million teens view porn online.
I suppose that's better than the way we viewed it- between the lines of the porn channel that your parents didnt subscribe to, but at night the static would sometimes clear up long enough for you to hear the noises and see boobs.

There are 4.2 million pornographic websites, 420 million pornographic web pages, and 68 million daily search engine requests.
More people care about pop culture and politics than porn. http://wickedmonkeys.com/the-most-googled-thing-ever/


I still dont think that 12 year old girls should be allowed to look at porn, or even have access to it. But please, if you are going to post links to websites that are anti-porn, at least try make sure that the statistics are at least relevant.
post #19 of 57

Right. Anyone can skew numbers for their cause; however, the personal stories they tell are relevant and that was my main reason for posting that link.

post #20 of 57

Hi. I didn't have difficulty with my daughter, but for my sons we needed to put some good controls on the computers, more robust than the protection that comes built in with Windows.

I highly recommend K9.  It is easy to load, easy to understand for somebody not so technically minded, flexible in terms of what type of content you want to block and what not to block, and it works.

Best is, it's free.  http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Preteens and Teens › 12 year old daughter looking at porn?!