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12 year old daughter looking at porn?! - Page 3

post #41 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxswood View Post
Many women are increasingly more worried about how they look in bed than how they feel and many men are increasingly dissatisfied with their one human partner who has needs of her own and turn to porn as the easy out instead of engaging fully into their marriage/relationship to meet their needs together.

 

I feel like this is an issue that needs some exploration, because I think those statements propagate a pretty fundamental misunderstanding about what a healthy relationship is about.

 

First, I will begin with a disclaimer:  i have no doubt that such a thing as "porn addiction" exists, in the same way that Fruity Pebbles addiction can exist.  If your usage of something is compulsive, or interferes with (say) one's work or a healthy relationship with one's spouse or children, then it may be addictive.  But at the same time we have to be careful, because when some people say "My partner is addicted to porn" what they really mean is "My partner looks at porn, even though I don't like it."

 

If I play golf, and you don't like golf, I am not addicted to golf just because I play a game every now and then.

 

Second, and more importantly, in my opinion part of a healthy, normal sexual life is self-love.  A husband and a wife (or a boyfriend and girlfriend, or a boyfriend and boyfriend, or a girlfriend and girlfriend, etc) are a couple who, hopefully, explore and develop their sexuality together.  But both of those people also have their own sexual identities.  Nearly everyone has had some form of sexual life and identity before finding a partner; everyone will continue to have some sexual life and identity after their partner passes away or otherwise leaves.  Your sexuality doesn't suddenly become, 100% two adults required to enter this ride just because you got married.

 

Sometimes, indeed, I want to engage fully with my partner and "meet our needs together", and sometimes I just want to enjoy some private fantasy and self-love.  If my partner decides she wants to do the same, I don't get freaked about it and accuse her of "seeking the easy out" - I assume she's just havin' a little fun, and I'm glad that she can do so, and I'll enjoy my turn some other time.  

 

In summary: fantasies are good.  Self-love is good.  Having an interior sexual life is good, and I would argue is necessary to the continued growth and health of a partnered sexual life.  Porn an be a perfectly healthy part of anyone's sexual life.  Yes, it's entirely possible for someone to have fixations and problems involving porn, but y'know what?  It's possible to have pathologies in the context of partnered sex life too -- and I'd argue that one partner feeling that if the other partner engages in any fantasy at all they are engaging in some sort of betrayal is one such pathology.

 

Sorry if this is too OT.  But that's my $0.02.

post #42 of 57

Because you also mentioned a sudden change in behavior and personality I would also be talking to her about sexual abuse.  I am a therapist who works with kids and often when they experience a sudden behavior change partnered with a new interest is sex, it is because they are trying to make sense of something they saw or experienced that confused them.  I sincerely hope this is not the case, but, because I have seen it so often and I believe it is better to know and deal with it than to live in the dark and watch your child continue to struggle, I felt I should mention this possibility.

post #43 of 57
Pornography and sexual addiction are very real, and it is insulting to anyone who has had to deal with the fallout that comes with addictions to have it likened to Fruity Pebbles addiction!! When you have, personally, dealt with the emotional, physical, psychological and verbal abuse that addicts inflict on those around them, then, and only then, do you have the right to comment on addiction!!

Is the 12 year old an addict? I don't know. Some people quickly become addicted, whether it is to drugs, alcohol or sex, while some never experience addiction. But do not trivialize the possibilty.
post #44 of 57

Unfortunately there are many many women out there who have husbands who just don't want to have sex with them much anymore because porn is so much easier and more attractive. When they stop watching porn somehow the desire comes right back.

 

I'm glad your choices work for both of you, as long as you are being honest with your partner and your actions aren't making her unhappy and you are both satisfied with your frequency and level of activity then great, but you are an adult, this thread is about a girl in her early teens. Porn use during teenage years is associated with lower sexual satisfaction through later life.

post #45 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by Roxswood View Post

Unfortunately there are many many women out there who have husbands who just don't want to have sex with them much anymore because porn is so much easier and more attractive. When they stop watching porn somehow the desire comes right back.


There are many women out there who don't like sex. Their husbands turn to porn as a release of sexual tension and some of them become addicted.


I peek at the written stuff. My hubby peeks at the other stuff. We bring that energy back to our own marriage bed. And that's the way it should be, two people working together to please each other in a committed relationship.
post #46 of 57

I understand many times its the woman not wanting sex and a partner unfulfilled either way is not fair, but having been the woman desperately wanting sex and having a man uninterested because he had unrealistic expectations of what sex should be I found plenty others in my situation. Thankfully my situation is resolved and things are fantastic between us this last 5 years but that doesn't happen for everyone.

post #47 of 57

I've been there too...its useless trying to get others to understand. The bottom line is if it works for them that's the reality, everyone else's is of no consequence. Thankfully my husband got his life on track and our sex life is now everything it ought to have been, but nobody can tell me it wasn't because of the porn ...that's my reality and that of many others. I hope things improve for you. PM me if you want to know my story, I'd be happy to share it with you.

post #48 of 57

Against my better judgment, I will reply to this because  you seem to need a good dose of reality. I NEVER said that all cases of rape are caused by porn, nor did I imply that porn is the cause of all evils...perhaps I should use the words CAN CAUSE and it would be more acceptable to you. The reality is that there are alot of people  out there who are hurting because of the negative effects of porn. Just because its isn't your reality doesn't mean that it isn't someone else's. 

 

Btw I haven't had many bad things happen to me and thanks for the virtual hugs, but In the course of my own trials and through my interactions with a lot of  young girls in a school I taught at,  I have met many of these  people...please don't insult us by minimizing how our lives were affected and yes...several of them were raped, abused because of porn addiction and the dark vices they created. I said my piece from a place of knowledge and understanding. I hope this clears it up.

post #49 of 57

I have to say that seeing that you have no clue who I am you have some nerve to say that I should get out and meet people! It seems to me that you're the one who needs to get out and meet the people whose lives have been torn apart by porn. I happen to know many myself. Just because you enjoy it and your partner (you believe) has no problem with it doesn't mean that applies to everyone else..that's as narrow-minded a view as the one I've been accused of.   There's a little girl whose father keeps a stack of child porn...guess where his preferences lie?  That child had to be removed from that home, but not in time to avoid her life being forever changed. 

 

Porn may not be the cause of every evil thing, but it sure is the cause of many. Don't insult the ones whose lives have been adversely affected.

post #50 of 57

Looking at porn is in no way equivalent to looking at child porn. Come on, be realistic here. Tons of men look at porn and are not perverts (tons of women too!) It's not that abnormal. Looking at child porn is SO abnormal, and NO ONE here is approving of that. No one. There is a huge difference. Most adults in the sex industry are completely happy being in it and like what they do. ALL children are being forced in to that role and violated or raped. The idea that you are even bringing up child porn as a comparison to people who look at regular porn is nine kinds of offensive. Seriously.

 

 

 

 

Child porn does not fall under the category of "porn" for most people.

post #51 of 57
How do you know how the people in the pornography industry feel? Are you one of those people? If not, why not?
post #52 of 57
Quote:
Originally Posted by pek64 View Post

How do you know how the people in the pornography industry feel? Are you one of those people? If not, why not?

Umm, because Im pregnant with twins and a sahm in a monogomous relationship?

 

Have you EVER seen a porn documentary? There are only like 30 out on the market. HBO has an entire show about porn stars. There are porn star conventions, porn star reunions, porn star interviews, etc. Open your eyes and ears. Sure, Im sure there are people who dont like their job, but they sure do like the amount of money they are paid for the amount of time they have to be at work.

 

I used to be a topless dancer, making $500 per night (years ago, before breastfeeding). I only worked two days a week. It was worth it, and if I still had that body, Id do it again in a heartbeat.

 

 

The point I was  making was that most of the time adults are choosing this lifestyle. Children are being raped. HUGE DIFFERENCE. There is a huge, huge difference between people who are choosing this and people who are being forced. And, I love how you took that ONE line out of my comment about child porn to try and derail the thread. Good job.

post #53 of 57
This thread has been derailed for quite a while, now, so don't try to blame it on me.
post #54 of 57

I think the best thing you can do is set up Net Nanny and take away her ITouch and give her a simple phone for just texting and talking or just texting. I have a 13yo DD and this is what I would do. I'm pretty sure my daughter has probably already been exposed to porn through her friends. She hardly uses the computer at home and we have NetNanny on when she is using it. She doesn't have a smartphone and this is why! Kids are curious! So, I always assume she's been exposed because it's hard to protect kids today. I long ago learned to arm her with our morals and values. I warned her of the lies of the world when it comes to sex, relationships, clothing, drugs, etc etc. I let her ask questions, sometimes via notes under my door when it's an embarrassing subject for her to bring up out of the blue. I talk about these things with her all.the.time. It's just part of life around here now! 

 

That said, I was exposed to porn at 11. It definitely destroyed my sense of self-respect in relationships with boys and later men but I didn't have a mother who stepped in to arm me with wisdom and discernment. Sadly, I became a statistic in a number of ways. I definitely do not plan to leave my children without "armor" to make the best choices for hopefully the best outcome in their lives....healthy marriages in which there is mutual love and respect and the chance to experience sex as it was intended to be experienced! 

post #55 of 57
I don't actually think it is a good idea for me to be on the internet.
Edited by rightkindofme - 8/23/12 at 8:01am
post #56 of 57
Being raped has nothing to do with you looking at pornography. You did not cause the rape.

I found many of your remarks confusing, because you say one thing while implying something else, in my opinion.
post #57 of 57

To the OP:

 

Just got an email from Net Nanny. They have a free webinar that you can sign up for: https://www2.gotomeeting.com/register/828480594

You might want to check it out. We have Net Nanny on the computer that our DD13 uses and I highly recommend it! 

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