I had a picture perfect home birth, everything I wanted. Baby is great, not even a hard baby or anything. He barely ever cries. I had PPD with my last two deliveries and never got help, just felt better after they were older. I was so high and happy after this baby, I thought for sure we'd be ok. The last bit here though, ugh. I can't shake it.
I have worked as a certified lactation counselor for the past two years. I was supposed to be able to bring my baby to work with me and when he was two weeks old they told me they overturned that policy. Basically after struggling to work, pump, work around DH, homeschool, do therapy for DS2 (he's autistic), we decided to have me stay home with the kids. I was really excited to be a SAHM again like I was before I started this job in 09'. But at home I feel empty. Its the weirdest feeling. I don't want to leave my kids, but I feel useless. I'm not contributing income, I decided to start online classes (prerequisites for midwifery school), but I just feel like a waste. Dh works long hours. I count the seconds until he comes home. Its so hot outside, we are cooped up in the house all day.
To top it off, DS1 is out of state for the first time ever visiting his biodad. I'm bored. I'm lost. I miss him. I just feel out of sorts. DS2 doesn't talk to you unless you talk to him, and 60% of the time he doesn't respond. He just ignores you. It never bothered me before, but lately it eats me up inside. I'll tell him I love him, or to clean up toys with me, or come play with me, go for a walk...he just stares at me with no response and walks away. I am just feeling really lonely and disconnected.
DH talks about the next baby like I'm pregnant right now or something. Multiple times I've encouraged him to engage with the baby we have NOW, and I've tried to tell him I don't feel well and really don't want to go through this again but he's not a very open guy so our talks are just me talking with him looking uncomfortable. He wanted a girl this time and mentions regularly that he can't wait to try again for a girl. It eats me up and I feel kind of resentful that he's not enjoying the children we have now and obsessing about a daughter we don't have. He didn't really come forward with this huge gender preference until late in my pregnancy. He always used to bed share with DS2 and me, but he doesn't sleep with this baby and says he fears squishing him. I don't get it. So DS3 and I sleep together, he sleeps with DS2 in the other room.
Ugh. I just needed to get all that out. I went to LLL meeting as a CLC on Friday and I'm trying out for leadership. I really liked it and it helped fill that void of missing helping other mamas with breastfeeding. Getting out helped, too. I met some other moms who cloth diaper too so that was nice. I'm hoping to start teaching childbirth classes soon as well. But when I'm home I feel really out of sorts. I feel like we're all going separate directions and I can't stop it. Anyone have any advice for naturally helping with this??