I'm not really sure how to properly convey this, so bear with me.
My husband and I got together when I was 18 and he was 27. I had previously been in an emotionally abusive relationship so my confidence was really low and I barely spoke the first year of my relationship to H. Before I was really able to discover who I was and what I wanted, we were pregnant. Then we were married. And pregnant again.
Fast forward to now, I realize I don't have the same consideration for him that he has for me. I don't feel the same sexual attraction to him that he feels for me. I feel indifferent to spending time with him. I don't particularly enjoy his company, not that he is rude or abrasive or anything it's just that I don't especially derive pleasure from having conversations with him. I do love him, but I'm not really IN love with him. But he's crazy about me.
We have two kids together, ages 4 and 2. He's a decent father; very loving if not a bit authoritative also (which drives me mad sometimes!). He owns his own business and does well. He does owe back taxes and child support, both of which loom over me and I feel as if it holds us back as a family. He's a good looking man, very charismatic. But I'm just not feeling it. I almost feel as if I'm looking a gift horse in the mouth! I like him as a person, I just don't really want to spend my life with him.
I'm afraid of leaving and having my feelings change and then he won't take me back (I know he won't, he's said as much.) I'm afraid of his family being mad at me- its bad enough they don't like how I parent with all of this unconventional natural parenting but without him on my side things could get ugly. I don't want to break his heart even though I know I do it every day that I can't love him as he loves me.
Basically I feel like a total jerk and I don't know what to do. Any words of wisdom are greatly appreciated!