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how do I go on???

post #1 of 30
7/8/12 at 1:18am
Thread Starter 
Quote:
I am Tayas mother and I dont know how to go on. I had a beautiful, fun and smart 28mo old named Taya Marie that I planned. She is my youngest child of four and there was an 11yr gap between her and her brother so you can guess how SPOILED she was. Asthma and complications from intubation killed my daughter and needless to say I am a very angry, bitter, sad and confused mother. I have always been a woman of faith but this has shaken me beyond belief and I am questioning everything. I dont know how to trust God anymore when I know He took her. I am trying to be strong for my other kids but right now, nothing matters but needing, wanting and yearning for her and knowing that will NEVER happen. My poor husband is trying to be strong for me and the kids and grieve for his baby girl (He took such wonderful and careful care of her, she was his world) Meds don't help me but we are taking it minute by minute for our kids (i wont even get into how they're hurting).....anyone who has been here please respond.......

Always,

Nicole (Tayas' Mom)

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post #2 of 30
7/8/12 at 2:33pm

I lost my youngest of four, my 27 month old son, on January 11th.  His heart  went into sudden cardiac arrest and put him in a coma for a week before he passed away.  It was all very sudden and unexpected.  I am right here with you.  

post #3 of 30
7/8/12 at 2:49pm
Thread Starter 
Mandy, thank you for responding....sometimes you feel as if your the only ones going through this and that everyone has just forgotten about my baby and has gne on with their lives. I know they must go on but it hurts so bad and angers me so. Thank you for responding, how is this moment for you, im asking because thats all I can face is each moment ;'(
post #4 of 30
7/10/12 at 8:21pm

Oh I am so sorry mama. :(  I am just so very sorry.

post #5 of 30
7/10/12 at 9:20pm
So very sorry. I don't know you, but sending love from one mom to another.


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post #6 of 30
7/10/12 at 9:32pm

i am so incredibly sorry greensad.gif much love and strength to you and your family.

post #7 of 30
7/13/12 at 10:36am
Oh honey, I wish I were there to give you a huge hug. I have lost two otiful my daughters one at 2 weeks and the other at four months. My world just collapsed both times. Your grief is in honor of your beautiful baby. She is a huge part of you and this will be a lifelong process. My heart goes out to you and yoyr family.
post #8 of 30
7/14/12 at 12:36am
Thread Starter 
Thank you for sharing, I dont know what to do with myself anymore. My eldest is expecting a daughter and she is due on Tayas Bday ;'( people ask if I think thats a blessing, the baby yes but the due date is soooo hard for all of us. I feel as if my baby and my daughters pregnancy has been ripped away from me with this bein so fresh i cant enjoy this special time with her. Again, your words help and I accept that hug.....i am so very sorry for all your loss, i cant imagine going through this again.
post #9 of 30
7/14/12 at 12:47am

My losses were in pregnancy my son and daughter. But I just want to say I am soooo sorry for your loss and your family is in my thoughts. Much love to you and your husband and children!

post #10 of 30
7/14/12 at 6:39am
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my son to sids three months ago. Have you tried any support groups, online or in real life? It helps me to read other's blogs and to write my own. All I can say is in my experience, it has gotten so that i can see myself going on. The first few weeks were the worst, but now I can say that things are better. I am able to remember happier times and strive for happiness again without feeling like it is a totally unachievable goal. Right after Charlie died, and still on some days, I just felt like there was no reason for me to go on. It's a horrible feeling.
I am so sorry. It's not fair- hug.gif
post #11 of 30
7/14/12 at 11:01am
Thread Starter 
Yes, I do think that these convsations with you all are helping me.
I look @ others in a store or in the car next to me and wonder if they have had any loss
And realize they have no idea that I have, (the only way they have a clue is from the tattoos I have)
Always hated them but that was one thing I felt I had to do. I am feeling a connection to you all
But hate that this the horrible thing that is connecting us. We are forever in a club that none of us would
Have joined if they paid us. Thanks for responding, you all keep me going by giving me something to
Look forward to (hearing from you all)
post #12 of 30
7/14/12 at 12:12pm

I am very sorry for your loss.  I also lost my daughter.  She was my third child and only girl.  She went into resp. arrest in the ER and the doc was unable to intubate her.  This was back in 07, and I am still angry and bitter and my faith was also shaken to the core.  I understand, and again, I'm so sorry.

post #13 of 30
7/14/12 at 12:24pm
Thread Starter 
Our stories sound the same. People keep asking me when im going back to work but my daughter was at my place of business when she got sick. I work in the ER and thats where she was before they transferred her to the NICU where they said during intubation she had bronchiospasm and thats what stopped her heart for 24 min and thats what killed her (no oxygen to the brain) we watched her for a week in a coma and then they declared her brain dead. I hate this life and just exsist for my kids......thanks for listening and sharing, sorry if i saddened you.
post #14 of 30
7/14/12 at 12:42pm

People are so inconsiderate. That is the biggest thing I learned that most people will not understand.  I can't even go to the place where my water broke the first time and its be 2.5 years. I have had each baby at a different hospital because the idea of going back to a hospital where I lost a baby is not ok with me.  I am so sorry. You should not have to go back to work until you are ready. <3<3<3 And even then I would think if you wanted to work at a different place that would be totally normal and understandable.

post #15 of 30
7/14/12 at 12:48pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you....i will def not be going back to the ER and probably not back to that facility. Thanks for your support
post #16 of 30
7/15/12 at 5:46pm

I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter, Taya. Although I have not experienced the same thing you have, taking things minute by minute (as you mentioned in your first post) is something that I find very helpful in times of pain and loss. For me, those minutes begin to stretch into hours and days and I can take things hour by hour or day by day, but that takes time and there isn't a specific timetable for that happens. As you navigate your path ahead, I'm sending lots of support and love to you and your family and will keep Taya in my memory.

post #17 of 30
7/15/12 at 5:55pm
Thread Starter 
Thank u so much.....moment by moment is getting easier, but anymore than that is too much. Oh, and thank you so much for mentioning my beautiful girl by name because no matter what, i wont let her name, humor, love, spiceyness or memories pass. She is wonderful
post #18 of 30
7/15/12 at 6:00pm

Thank you for the update and for sharing stories about Taya; her name is beautiful and I can definitely feel that Taya is alive in your heart and in the memories of those who knew her and those who get to hear about her humor, love, personality, and life. I'm glad things are getting a little easier at the moment.
 

post #19 of 30
7/15/12 at 6:05pm
Thread Starter 
Thank you, her name means "Beautiful Flower"
post #20 of 30
7/15/12 at 6:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by tayas mom View Post

Thank you, her name means "Beautiful Flower"

 

That's so lovely! stillheart.gif

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