Hi all. I always knew inside that I would be in this place eventually, but thinking it and doing it are two completely different things. We have three children. 10, 8 and 2. The beginning of my pregnancy with our last child was the official point of no return, I believe. I have always stayed home with the children and we homeschool.
We have been married for over 13 years. Dh has traveled for work for over ten of them. I have literally been the sole caregiver for our children for their entire lives. He has provided financially. He has provided well in that area, however, that is basically where it stopped. He is emotionally unavailable and emotionally and verbally abusive. Being away 90% of the time has given him the opportunity to create two lives, as he has yelled at me many times. While away, he lives the life of a single man. Many years have been filled with alcohol fueled abusive phone calls that he never remembered. He has always claimed to be the perfect family man, yet others connected to his job claim quite the opposite. According to him, they are all liars and everyone is out to get him. Of course. Isn't that always the case?
The last year has been over the top ridiculous. I now recognize how I have helped this whole mess get 100 times worse. I am/was seriously co-dependent. I had never heard the term until a few months ago. It was quite a smack in the face and a relief at the same time to learn about this. I have spent all these years believing that everything was always my fault and that I was the problem. Dh is a textbook narcissist. He scares the daylights out of me. He was horrible to the kids and me.
I spent the last year hearing, "Divorce me then," and "You know I am divorcing you, right?" over and over and over. But he didn't do it. I filed in April. Upon learning of this from the attorney he supposedly did not have, he screamed in front of the children to me, "I know you filed for divorce! I am not as f&^%ing stupid as you look! Oh yeah, I am not as f&*(*ing stupid as you look!" with this crazy grin on his face. Then he spun around and left the house slamming the door. On President's Day he told me he was trying to divorce me and would do it the following day and than I would find out what it is like to have nothing. I freaked and took money out of the savings. On payday, there was no direct deposit. There I sat with three kids, $100 in the checking account and a husband half way across the country who stopped direct deposit. I took money out of his account and paid the mortgage for two months and the rest of the savings account I took in cash too. He then sent the checks that he withheld and said that he gave me the money and to get over it.
It is all such a mess. He always makes huge threats and is all about intimidation. He doesn't understand why people react the way they do to him and thinks he never does anything that contributes to these things. I can't count how many times I heard, "I have done nothing wrong." The creepiest part about that is that he always said it when he was drunk and never at a time that I ever suggested that he did. Sigh.
I apologize for my poor writing in this post. My brain is scattered thinking back on all of this. I am always waiting for the next thing he is going to throw at me. The next lie. The next threat. The next intimidation tactic. How can I deal with all of this? He now claims he has no idea why we are getting a divorce. He tells the kids it is all my fault. Meanwhile, the kids and I are stuck in a house in the middle of nowhere that isn't looking like it will sell anytime soon. We are all feeling so isolated.