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Mothering › Mothering Forums › Baby › Life With a Baby › OMG going crazy. I want to be an attached mother, but this boy is driving me NUTS ... I cannot make a freaking PHONE call without him crying.
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OMG going crazy. I want to be an attached mother, but this boy is driving me NUTS ... I cannot...

post #1 of 26
Thread Starter 

He is soooo needy. I understand. He's a baby, he's almost 11 months old and needs me. I love it. But sometimes I need 5 MINUTES to myself.

 

What should I do? I have nobody to call and help me.

 

Would it be so bad if I get one of those jumperoos for the doorway????

 

I feel like I might go insane. He's holding on to my leg and crying right now that I'm online.

 

I have set up everything like montessori and waldorf. He has lots to do. He just does not want to go down by himself.

 

:( :( I am so lost and feeling very overwhelmed. It just building and building. I don't have a sitter and I really cannot call anyone. My husband works long hours. Help me please.

 

I keep thinking that the busy centers and door jumpers are anti attachment parenting.

post #2 of 26
I understand your frustration! Do you wear him on your back? I couldn't survive the baby stage if I didn't have that tool! And if you only have one kid, with the baby on your back you can go about your business like there aren't even kids there!

(Of course not all babies like this and not all parents can do it, but most!)

I don't see why a jumperoo is anti-AP? Unless of course you're leaving him in it for hours and he doesn't want to be there or something. If he's into it, why not?
post #3 of 26
I'm not an expert on attachment parenting but I think that the biggest thing is responding to baby when he needs you. If he is happy and busy in an exersaucer for 15 minutes, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. If he hates it then absolutely you wouldn't leave him in there but I don't think it would hurt to try. Even if these things are anti AP, I still don't think it's a bad thing to use them sparingly when you need a break if he enjoys them. I honestly think the biggest thing that is anti AP is CIO methods and you obviously aren't doing that. If you find something he likes that gives you a quick break and lets you happily AP the other 90% of the time, I would absolutely use it. Not having help with a soon to be toddler puts you in a difficult place and making a couple of small compromises isn't the end of the world. Us moms are great at feeling guilty but not at taking care of ourselves.

For what it's worth, I don't cosleep or babywear but I do BF my 15 month old on demand all day and night. We tried CIO (for 5 minutes one night) and I use a stroller (when she's willing). I used sposies until about 12 months but CD full time now. There are days here and there where I know my parenting isn't 100% up to my expectations. Those are usually the days I'm too run down, tired, and frustrated to have the patience for my very active toddler. I am always a better parent when I've had a few minutes to myself to regroup. Take any opportunity you get to take care of yourself. It will help you be the best mom you can be :-).

Ok sorry for being long winded and disjointed but I was interrupted about half a dozen times by said active toddler :-)
post #4 of 26

Don't worry so much about living up to the ideal of a label.  You're not in a cult, after all!  AP is just one group of ideas about a way to parent, and not a guarantee to being a perfect mother or having a perfect child.  My kids had bouncy seats and chairs and jumperoos and play pens and toys with batteries and they still knew that I would respond to them when they needed me.  My 2nd child was very needy like that, too, and anything I could do to get 5-15 minutes to myself, I did, and still do, in fact she ate Lucky Charms AND watched TV this morning and yet I think she will forgive me when she is an adult and I tell her I really did the best I could without going completely insane.  ;)

post #5 of 26

It would not be so bad if you got one of those jumperoos for the doorway.  Or whatever kind of bouncer or activity center you can find in stock at Target today.

 

If you are going to respond positively and consistently to your child, you need some time to recharge now and then.  Time to make a sandwich, or pee by yourself with the door closed.  If a bouncer or an activity center gets you those minutes, it is nothing but awesome.  Pick up spare batteries while you're there.

 

I used to be opposed to these things.  Then my MIL showed up with an activity table for DD, and I got to make a whole entire loaf of bread with no "help" from toddlers.  The Farmer in the Dell was playing in the background the entire time, but I didn't care.  It was blissful.  Please note that it did not in any way change my children's needs.  Prior to the arrival of this thing, I had been the only interactive toy in the room.

 

Ten months is a little young for independent play in Waldorf and Montessori set ups. 

post #6 of 26

if the baby is happy, that is a good thing! if toys make him happy go for it. we have the typical walmat exersaucer, swing, bouncy seat and the baby mostly likes the exersaucer. i also have put babies in the high chair and gave them whatever made them happy so that i could do things.

post #7 of 26

Oh mama! I know how you feel... as a part-time WAHM, full-time student, and solo parent, I get it. It sucks sometimes when all you want is a freakin' shower and it hasn't happened in three days. I often feel like I'm going to lose it, and only a few of my IRL mama friends are in the same boat... and even those have a relative at home full-time to help out. I use the following mantra in times of extreme stress: This too shall pass... and I try to ignore people who tell me that someday I will miss this stage. Yes, someday I will miss him being so little, but only the times when he was sleeping peacefully... I will NOT miss never showering, nor anything else that's tough about this time. I have no "advice" to help you get through it... only the message that you are not alone in your temporary insanity... just remember that the key word there is "temporary". hug2.gif

 

By the way... I just got a handful of "runny nose" in my eye... yeah... not going to miss that.

post #8 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by artekah View Post

I understand your frustration! Do you wear him on your back? I couldn't survive the baby stage if I didn't have that tool! And if you only have one kid, with the baby on your back you can go about your business like there aren't even kids there!
(Of course not all babies like this and not all parents can do it, but most!)
I don't see why a jumperoo is anti-AP? Unless of course you're leaving him in it for hours and he doesn't want to be there or something. If he's into it, why not?

 



Yes, I do wear him on my back!!! Most of the day he is spent wearing him ... like today :D

 

I haven't tried a jumperoo!!!! Maybe I'll try it. I just am so "anti-device" ... but in our culture we dont have a village to help take care of our babies ... so I guess its not so bad. Now that I have a more clear mind - this evening **was about to breakdown early morning** I can just relax. :) ... and he's asleep!! woo hoo

post #9 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MeepyCat View Post

It would not be so bad if you got one of those jumperoos for the doorway.  Or whatever kind of bouncer or activity center you can find in stock at Target today.

 

If you are going to respond positively and consistently to your child, you need some time to recharge now and then.  Time to make a sandwich, or pee by yourself with the door closed.  If a bouncer or an activity center gets you those minutes, it is nothing but awesome.  Pick up spare batteries while you're there.

 

I used to be opposed to these things.  Then my MIL showed up with an activity table for DD, and I got to make a whole entire loaf of bread with no "help" from toddlers.  The Farmer in the Dell was playing in the background the entire time, but I didn't care.  It was blissful.  Please note that it did not in any way change my children's needs.  Prior to the arrival of this thing, I had been the only interactive toy in the room.

 

Ten months is a little young for independent play in Waldorf and Montessori set ups. 


Wooo this made me feel way better. I didn't get anything today. I was very busy and wore him all day long. But tomorrow is another day and I am positive I will go buy something ... maybe an activity table like you said b/c he's crawling and pulling up ... so maybe an exersaucer you sit in isn't the right thing ... hmmm. He got one at xmas time and I gave it away. DARN! lol.

 

I would LOVE to just go take a nice long shower with HOT water ... not just a little warm with baby playing on the shower floor :D and than screaming because I put him down on the floor to dry off so I am dripping all the way to the bed so I can quickly nurse him ... b/c he must have boobs after a bath or shower ALWAYS. lol.

 

I realize it's young for independent play. I just wonder what do people DO!!!!

 

and I am also his only interactive toy! He actually doesn't like things that light up and make noise, neither do I ... so I wonder if any of the table and exersaucers would make him happy? Hmm...

post #10 of 26
My baby is also super high needs and always attached to me. I use the bouncer so that I can at least eat and drink water. You're right, we should be in villages but since most of us aren't we need to do what we can, don't feel guilty about it.
post #11 of 26
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by skycheattraffic View Post

I'm not an expert on attachment parenting but I think that the biggest thing is responding to baby when he needs you. If he is happy and busy in an exersaucer for 15 minutes, I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing. If he hates it then absolutely you wouldn't leave him in there but I don't think it would hurt to try. Even if these things are anti AP, I still don't think it's a bad thing to use them sparingly when you need a break if he enjoys them. I honestly think the biggest thing that is anti AP is CIO methods and you obviously aren't doing that. If you find something he likes that gives you a quick break and lets you happily AP the other 90% of the time, I would absolutely use it. Not having help with a soon to be toddler puts you in a difficult place and making a couple of small compromises isn't the end of the world. Us moms are great at feeling guilty but not at taking care of ourselves.
For what it's worth, I don't cosleep or babywear but I do BF my 15 month old on demand all day and night. We tried CIO (for 5 minutes one night) and I use a stroller (when she's willing). I used sposies until about 12 months but CD full time now. There are days here and there where I know my parenting isn't 100% up to my expectations. Those are usually the days I'm too run down, tired, and frustrated to have the patience for my very active toddler. I am always a better parent when I've had a few minutes to myself to regroup. Take any opportunity you get to take care of yourself. It will help you be the best mom you can be :-).
Ok sorry for being long winded and disjointed but I was interrupted about half a dozen times by said active toddler :-)


Well, my son sleeps with us in our family bed, has since birth, so he is definitely not CIO!! I babywear, and honestly, I wouldn't have survived ( and wouldn't now) without my carriers!!! I plan to use it sparingly, just for when I need that moment to gain back my sanity :D ... and even I will hide it. ESPECIALLY from MIL who tried giving me a car full of battery operated, noisy, overstimulating toys and plastic junk for xmas when he was 4 months old :) back then he just slept all the time in my carrier and I was all miffed she even gave them to me :D ...

 

I will definitely be a better parent if i could get a moment to myself here and there. So I think I'll look it up on amazon and get it 2 day shipping from my prime membership :)

post #12 of 26

my son was like this at this age. I think he is too old for an exersaucer....or will be really fast!  I would let him "play" in the stores or at friends and see what amuses him. I started buying toys at this age that would last but still amuse now...like the big lego and little people. Not sure if you buy plastic though?  toddler soft play and the play areas in the mall will start to give you a coffee break really soon, during the day when all the bigger kids are at school. The next 6 months will bring so many changes...from a baby to a toddler. I found that easier. I know that doesn't help today.

post #13 of 26

Didn't read all of the posts so I apologize if I'm repeating something already said.  Don't forget that one of the main points of AP is balance.  If you don't take care of yourself you won't be able to take care of your baby.  If a jumperoo or busy center gives you 15 minutes of mommy time so that you can have better quality time with your child afterwards then I don't see how there's anything anti-AP about it.

post #14 of 26
If battery operated plastic stuff isn't your cup of tea, how about a wooden activity cube? We have this one: http://www.toysrus.ca/product/index.jsp?productId=11685924
DD loves spinning the beads and stuff and in fact it's one of the few things that keeps her on the potty ;-)
This one looks even better, but ours was a gift, so free.
http://www.toysrus.ca/product/index.jsp?productId=11632451
post #15 of 26
My daughter is almost 9 months and she loves her exersaucer. She's almost outgrown it though. I don't think it's anti-AP at all, just depends on how you use those baby "devices". I stick her in it for 5-10 minutes so I can sweep the floor or use a sharp knife or not have someone touching me for five freaking seconds and I talk to her the whole time. When she starts to squawk, out she comes and we change it up again. She's super active and wiggly, loves to stand and jump, and explore things. Lately I can sit on the floor in her mostly baby proofed room and let her dismantle her bookshelf or a crate of clean diapers for a good 15 minutes smile.gif
post #16 of 26

my daughter now uses the exersaucer as something to walk around and around and pull up on and beat her toys on. she rarely sits in it anymore, but it does sit in the middle of the living room for her to play on. she also enjoys plastic light-up toys lol

post #17 of 26

oh lol. this reminds me of when my babe was like a week old, and i broke down and busted out the vibrating/bouncy chair thing my SIL had given me. i had carriers and wore him 24/7 but after a week i needed a safe place to just put him down for a few minutes (and sometimes nap in it!). i almost cried about it (PP hormones!!) but my mom was so nice and lovely and set it put for without breathing a word of ("I thought you said these things are silly and unnecessary?"). 

 

that wooden activity block that skycheattraffic recommends looks awesome! it looks like a fun toy and it's obnoxious, tacky plastic so it wouldn't look bad in the living room ;)

post #18 of 26

AP isn't a checklist, it's meeting your child where they are, WHILE also being kind to yourself, too - figuring out solutions that work for EVERYONE, not just the baby.  I had one regular-level needs baby and one high needs baby.  Both of them used bouncies, saucers, jumperoos; the regular needs one would be in for 30+ minutes easily and happily until I came to get him when I was done with whatever I was doing; the high needs one I could get 5-10 minutes on a good day - but OH those 5-10 minutes after having her strapped to me for hours while trying to wrangle the toddler, and get all the other stuff done.  Those 5-10 minutes a couple times a day were like heaven, and SO needed.  After cosleeping, babywearing, extended nursing....I needed those minutes as much as I needed air.

 

Please get over the hump that "devices" are evil or anti-AP.  A device is just a device...it's how you *USE* it that is important.  Burning yourself out in 11 months' time is not helping you OR him.  And it's only going to get more intense, not less, as he's talking, playing, getting opinions, etc.  Please set it up now that you are gentle and calm but also FIRM in your need to have *some* kind of time and space to yourself to recharge, even while your child is awake....burnout is NO joke, and will lead to a grumpy, mean mommy which is much worse than a plastic exersaucer, IMO. 

post #19 of 26

Hi there, Mama! I totally get you when you say that you also need some time to yourself, even for just 5 minutes. I truly believe that you know what's best for your child and at 11 months, I think he might be happy to do some play and exploration. Not to leave him utterly alone, but we can be "present" in so many other ways. ;)  Well, sometimes there's stuff that you'd never thought you'd do (like going to the bathroom with the door unlocked and partially open to keep an eye out!), but hey, whatever works and whatever keeps mama balanced and happy and baby safe and happy too! :)

post #20 of 26

Um, if jumperoos are anti-AP then I'm going to get kicked off the mothering website.  Seriously, I didn't ever use mine that much, but there were days when I just needed a cup of tea or I was going to fall to weepy screamy pieces, and guess what?  DD was happy to hang out in the jumperoo for a couple minutes while I had my cup of tea.  She is a very high-needs baby but could usually handle five minutes. 

 

My DD is 10 months old now and I swear I didn't have a minute to myself till she was 8 months old (and now she's crawling all over the place/pulling up and cruising on everything) so I understand how you're feeling...but I really don't think it's anti-AP to take care of yourself.  AP is about responding to your kids and letting them gradually develop their independence while knowing they can rely on you...not about amusing them every last minute for 18 years.

 

Now my DD is completely over the jumperoo (she can stand up on her own) but here are some things she will use to occupy herself for a few minutes, in case they help you...obviously, you have to supervise, but you can at least be on the other side of the room catching your breath!

--a plastic buggy thing (like a tiny tot's tricycle)--she pulls herself up on it and pokes at the toy levers, wheels, etc.

--a cabinet that's "hers" stuffed with kitchen utensils and random junk she can chew on

--tupperware and boxes with stuff inside.  Big box with yarn balls inside.  Small box with stickers on the outside that she can reach into and fish for little toys.

--big ol cardboard box (the box the carseat came in was great).  I chopped a window into it with scissors and she would crawl in, crawl out, play peekaboo, etc. for AGES

--big ol cardboard box with hole cut in so she can fish stuff out

--teakettle, especially if there's stuff inside that she can fish out (are you sensing a theme here? :) )

--we store all her toys and books in a couple of cube boxes made of cloth.  If I tip over a box in front of her, she'll usually get a good 5-10 minutes out of pulling things out of the box one by one, examining them and flinging them away.

 

Basically, my DD is big on anything she can move parts of and/or fish things out of.  Even a pile of laundry will do, provided it's brightly colored and has pictures of stuff on it so she can look at it while flinging things across the room.  Hopefully your DS will be similarly amused, and your sanity will be safe! :)  Best of luck!
 

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