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breaking point/end of your rope/headed for the looney bin mamas: vent/cry/etc. here!

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 

I think we need a thread where it's considered a safe place to cry and complain about our nightime woes. our sleep fighting babies. our night-weaning adventures. 

 

i love my 7 1/2 month old baby but i just want to sleeeeeeeep! please!!!!!!! waking up every 1-2 hrs all night long is making me a dysfunctional zombie. my poor marriage. my poor ME! 

 

i know I'm not alone. who else needs a good cry? tell me all about it and i'll send you a hug2.gif

post #2 of 18

attachment parenting is turning me into a zombie, also. 9 mths old and waking me every 45-90 min to nurse. i see other people who don't breastfeed, their baby sleeps in the crib ALL NIGHT in the parent's room, other people can babysit so the parents can go out for a few hours. we regularly(every sunday at inlaws) see a baby 4 months younger than mine and one the same age as mine, they get all passed around, the whole family can hold them and they just sleep right through it all. mine wants a nap, i have to be in a quiet room and rock and nurse til she's asleep and hope the family stays quiet enough to not wake her up early.

 

this is my 4th baby so i'm not a noob!!! but #3 and #4 really have taken tolls on me. so much so that i was scared to have another baby after #3...i finally did 9 years later.

post #3 of 18
Thread Starter 

arg!!!!!!!!!!

 

when i hear about babies sleeping peacefully all night in their cribs, i think "wow. nice." but i literally do. not. understand. howwwwwww i would get to that point with my baby. i mean, i don't "regret" co-sleeping and will most likely do so with my next child(ren) but with this little guy, i think we need to move on. for everyone's good. but  i feel beyond overwhelmed at the thought. i don't get how we could ever get there. i *know* he won't be in our bed forever and if he wasn't such a squirmer/constant-waker/etc i'd be in no rush to have him in his own bed. but every night, i am sooooooo tired i just do what's easiest (and causes least upset for baby). and the cycle continues. boohoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

i fantasize and obsess  about sleep these days. being awake all night and then UP FOR THE DAY AT 5 has got to end.

post #4 of 18

lol, I totally know what you mean! I have to say though that my son at 26 months now sleeps through the night but if you go back and read my posts from a year ago, lordy I was on the EDGE!! It took hiring a sleep consultant to get him to fall alseep on his own and then it wasn't until 23 months when I went away for a 3 nights that he weaned and started sleeping 12 hours straight. My sister in law has a 7 week old who has been sleeping 10 hours for weeks now - hate her guts (kidding) lol:)

post #5 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

attachment parenting is turning me into a zombie, also. 9 mths old and waking me every 45-90 min to nurse. i see other people who don't breastfeed, their baby sleeps in the crib ALL NIGHT in the parent's room, other people can babysit so the parents can go out for a few hours. we regularly(every sunday at inlaws) see a baby 4 months younger than mine and one the same age as mine, they get all passed around, the whole family can hold them and they just sleep right through it all. mine wants a nap, i have to be in a quiet room and rock and nurse til she's asleep and hope the family stays quiet enough to not wake her up early.

 

this is my 4th baby so i'm not a noob!!! but #3 and #4 really have taken tolls on me. so much so that i was scared to have another baby after #3...i finally did 9 years later.

haha about the babysitting thing....yeah we turn down invites all the time because honestly, a babysitter? nope. wouldn't happen. i guess i could give him a nap at 6pm then leave him with my mom to play until we got back, but leaving him at bedtime/night time with a babysitter? yikes. i can barely leave him with my husband!!! (not because my husband is unable to take care of him, it's just that DS is ANGRY if he wakes up at night and it's not his mom's boobs comforting him. oh who are you? my father? nope. don't want you. where's mom?).

post #6 of 18
Thread Starter 

So, last night DH and I came up with a written plan for accomplishing our sleep goals. it was great. we talked about what our expectations are and then came up with ideas for how to get our nights looking like that. For our 8 month old DS who currently nurses to sleep, co-sleeps and wakes every 1-2 hours all night long, we decided that our (hopefully realistic) sleep expectations are:

  • able to be put down to bed by dad 
  • able to be put to bed by mom without nursing all the way to deep sleep
  • able to sleep 4 hours between eating at night. this would mean about 2 night feedings between 7pm (bedtime) and 6am

 

**someone tell me that's reasonable for a 8 month old.  right? i mean, he can go 4 hours between meals can't he????**

 

we then decided that 2 things need to change in order to maximize the chances of him sleeping 4 hours at a time:

  • no more swaddling (we think it actually wakes him up now that he's older and wants to move around in his sleep)
  • he will start sleeping on a mattress next to our bed so he has lots of room to roll around and he's not 2 inches from my boobs all night

 

THEN, we came up with an action plan. Here it is:

  1. bedtime routine starts about an hour before bedtime, and involves some quiet time (this could be reading books, singing songs with dad or being carried in the ring sling as i fold laundry or something)
  2. i will nurse him a FULL MEAL before  bedtime, while he is still awake. this will be a calming, soothing, quiet activity that fills him up but is not actually putting him to sleep.
  3. ideally, his dad will put him to sleep by rocking/cuddling/bouncing etc. if his dad is away then i will put him to sleep but won't nurse him all the way to sleep (i've tried the pantley pull off with some success so i will keep doing this).
  4. if he wakes before the four hour mark, he is comforted back to sleep (ideally by his dad who doesn't have breasts).
  5. if he wakes at the four hour mark or later, i nurse him (sitting up in the comfy chair!! not lying down - so i don't fall asleep) a FULL MEAL, burp him and settle him to sleep or hand him over to dad for the actual putting back to sleep part. 
  6. continue this routine throughout the night (with dad being the primary go-to guy if DS wakes before the four hour mark)
  7. when he wakes in the early morning (anytime after 5/5:30) then i bring him into bed with us to nurse, cuddle and doze for another hour or so.

 

 

we followed this plan last night with some good results. the first part of the night was AWESOME. slept from 7pm - 10:30pm, then 11pm - 2am. NOT BAD!! after that it went downhill and we brought him into bed at 4:45am. but still, not bad at all eh? my husband is not used to helping so much at night so he's pretty tired, but i need him to be more involved if this plan is going to work. 

 

DS was pretty mad that it was his dad going to him instead of his mom, but it took about 10-15 minutes of my husband bouncing him on the yoga ball while singing him a lullaby for him to get settled. yes, he cried. but not that hysterical crying that makes me really upset. and honestly, he was being held by his dad, so i feel ok about it. 

 

i will use this thread to share how things go. anyone else have a plan? it really helped to talk to my husband about what our goals are. i will admit, i feel like a hypocrite in a way because up until now i balked at my friends who are so strict about enforcing a schedule on their babies. i would totally judge them and complain about them to my husband. and here we are....writting out a plan and goals and blah blah blah. 

 

*sigh*. parenthood really makes you eat your words sometimes doesn't it?

post #7 of 18

Waaaaah!!!! Me, too!!! My 11 1/2 month old is getting 3 molars and 2 canines at once, and I'm not sure I'm going to live through it. He was sleeping *decent*, which, to me, is a stretch of 3 or 4 hours, and otherwise waking to nurse every 1 to 2 hours. He was starting to take naps in his crib for like 1 hour or more (a novelty to me, as DD was an in-arms girl). Now, I think he nursed ALL night last night, and I can't sleep-nurse (I do doze, just not good sleep). And I'm typing this while holding him for his nap, because I tried 3 times to put him down, and he woke instantly. I think my back is broken. I just keep reminding myself that, just when I feel like I'll totally just DIE from lack of sleep, that's usually when I catch a break. They don't really want to kill us, right...???

And, everyone I know who has babes the same age doesn't even have a clue that a baby could NOT sleep 12 hours by this age. I know it will get better, but this is rough.

post #8 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sundaya View Post

Waaaaah!!!! Me, too!!! My 11 1/2 month old is getting 3 molars and 2 canines at once, and I'm not sure I'm going to live through it. He was sleeping *decent*, which, to me, is a stretch of 3 or 4 hours, and otherwise waking to nurse every 1 to 2 hours. He was starting to take naps in his crib for like 1 hour or more (a novelty to me, as DD was an in-arms girl). Now, I think he nursed ALL night last night, and I can't sleep-nurse (I do doze, just not good sleep). And I'm typing this while holding him for his nap, because I tried 3 times to put him down, and he woke instantly. I think my back is broken. I just keep reminding myself that, just when I feel like I'll totally just DIE from lack of sleep, that's usually when I catch a break. They don't really want to kill us, right...???

And, everyone I know who has babes the same age doesn't even have a clue that a baby could NOT sleep 12 hours by this age. I know it will get better, but this is rough.

broken back over here too. we NEEEEEED a decent glider or rocking chair. at 23lbs, DS is too heavy for us to bounce on the yoga ball. but he doesn't seem to care bout our backs and yoga ball it is. 

 

and no, they don't want to kill us (but they just might!). every single morning, without fail, no matter how bad of a night it was, DS wakes up with the hugest grin on his face. he is just over the moon to see DH and I. he looks at us, pats our faces lovingly, smiles, laughs, grins and shows off his little teeth. it's hilarious and heart melting and makes me forget in a second all the tragedies of the night before. my body isn't so good at forgetting though as i am getting sick from lack of sleep and my neck/shoulder/back are beyond sore. i have a headache most days. 

 

honestly, i was gung-ho for "lots more babies and as close together as we can handle 'em!" but now i'm like....how about 3 max. and at least 4 years apart each???

 

we tried our best to follow our plan last night but it wasn't a vey successful night. in the middle of the night i thought "what is the point? how about we just don't care? how about we ditch the schedule, ditch all expectations, give up on sleep goals and just...whatever". we'll see....i think we'll give it a go for 10 days and if there is literally NO improvement i may very well just give up. it's just not worth it. right now we are more sleep deprived than usual because we're spending extra time comforting him in alternative ways and holding off the nursing for every 4 hours and trying to put him on the mattress on the floor instead of in bed with us...why not just give in and nurse him every hour for the rest of his *^*&^$^&%#%$$(*&^(*^(* life?

post #9 of 18
Thread Starter 

this morning after posting that i made a strong resolve to eliminate nursing to sleep completely, at least for now while we're trying to deal with these sleep issues. so i decided, to be really, truly 100% IN for ten days. so why not start with his morning nap?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i just might kill myself. and i know suicide jokes are tactless and not very funny at all (especially since i have 3 family members who've committed suicide) but it's really how i feel. i am so miserable. this is so stupidly hard. i NEVER felt like i had even the slightest case of the baby blues. i have just LOVED being a mom. and 1, 2, 3 even 4 and 5 months of sleep deprivation weren't ruining my life. but it's been almost 8 months now and i cannot go on. i don't feel like talking to my friends or seeing anyone. it's the middle of summer and i have no desire to go out and enjoy the sunshine. i have been really good about getting nicely dressed and making an effort with my hair/makeup (mostly so i feel better) since DS was born, but i actually don't even care about bathing right now. and worst of all, I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND MY SON! 

 

I just spent an hour bouncing him to sleep, putting him down, repeat repeat repeat REPEAT! i can't even look at him right now! it's like i'm mad at him which is RIDICULOUS. i think i'm mostly mad at myself. poor boy, he's just sad that i'm not nursing him to sleep like i have done for his entire freaking life!!!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand, jeeeeeeez. you're not crying alone in your crib! I AM RIGHT HERE! HOLDING YOU! SINGING YOU SONGS! PATTING YOUR BUM!!!!! JUST GO TO SLEEEEEEEP.

post #10 of 18

my 9 month old will just fall asleep while dh, or my 15 or 17 year old daughters walk around with her(the majority of the time, anyway). usually i nurse her to sleep but occasionally i am not home. if i am here, i MUST nurse her to sleep. she WILL NOT fall asleep with me walking her, patting, singing, dancing, nothing. she'll scream instead. it drives me crazy! last night i was trying to do some things in the kitchen and i was just wishing so hard she'd fall asleep on me like she does with my dh or older daughters!!

post #11 of 18

i can commiserate with you...there are times i just wish i was not here. sleep deprivation can really mess up your life. and people(family) don't understand!! i'm about to recruit my older kids to get up at 5:30am with her and keep her as long as possible where i can sleep. i am very lucky to not be alone this time around but i've been there before with 3 kids too young to help.

post #12 of 18
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by purplerose View Post

my 9 month old will just fall asleep while dh, or my 15 or 17 year old daughters walk around with her(the majority of the time, anyway). usually i nurse her to sleep but occasionally i am not home. if i am here, i MUST nurse her to sleep. she WILL NOT fall asleep with me walking her, patting, singing, dancing, nothing. she'll scream instead. it drives me crazy! last night i was trying to do some things in the kitchen and i was just wishing so hard she'd fall asleep on me like she does with my dh or older daughters!!

yes. i just cried for about an hour because i was so mad that my baby wouldn't let me rock him to sleep! then i realized that it's really sad that a)I'm trying to impose something on a baby and b)since he's a baby, he doesn't follow orders and i end up being mad at him. yikes! so i decided that being miserable is just not worth it. i "gave in" and nursed him to sleep for a nap. whatever. honestly, if something is making me feel DE-tached and frustrated with my baby, what good is it? when it comes down to it, 99% of the time, i don't really mind nursing him to sleep for a nap. i'm the one at home with him anyways! and sometimes it's lovely and i relax and lay with him and have a snooze. 

 

i think i'll just focus on nighttime right now. and even there, i'm going to get more specific and do one thing at a time. so for now, it's bedtime. instead of worrying about the entire "plan" for the whole night, i think we'll just get the bedtime thing down. so step one for us is getting him OK with DH comforting him to sleep for the night. after his first wake up - whatever. i'm just going to keep co-sleeping and nursing him all night. i have a feeling that he'll start sleeping a longer stretch first thing in the evening if DH puts him down. and hey, at least i could start going out for an hour or two around bedtime without imagining DS back at home with his dad in an absolute state. 

post #13 of 18

I will be in this position again early next year, so I wanted to post here so I could check back then to complain!!

 

I also had babies who would nurse every 30-45 minutes at night. I finally night-weaned them at 15 and 18 months approximately. Actually I have no idea when exactly I night-weaned DS2 because I was so sleep deprived those years just seem like a blur! Night-weaning also included moving them to their own sleeping space because there was no way they could be in bed and not want at the boobs. It happened a lot earlier than I wanted it to, but I made that decision for my sanity. DS1 was moved to a crib because I was newly pregnant with DS2 and needed a break from 24/7 MS and if I slept that was a nice respite. With DS2 I had just come off over a year and a half of sharing the bed with both boys (yep, DS1 somehow wormed his cute little self back in every night) and I was so burnt-out it was starting to affect my health. I had a new cold or flu every week (I swear I am not exaggerating) and felt faint/dizzy all day. It was an easier adjustment for them to be in their own beds/cribs because they were toddler age and could communicate better-- but it was still a transition that involved a lot of second-guessing and stress. Still, we stuck with it, finally started sleeping more, and are saner people today for doing it.

 

I wish all of you ladies luck! It truly is so hard balancing your baby's needs with your own.

post #14 of 18

Um, well, I'm feeling pretty balanced today, but since mid-pregnancy I've been pretty touched out at night, and it's only going to get worse.

Prior to being pregnant I slept flat on my face, frequently with my old man cat on my back, so that was a pretty good way to keep my husband off me while I slept.  I'd just break off the snuggle when I was done and flip over. 

When I was pregnant, eventually I had to start sleeping on my side.  Then I got one of those nice pregnancy pillows, and I stuck it in the middle of the bed.  YAY!

Until I woke up one morning to being, quite literally, dragged and shoved with my pillow across the bed.  And as I muttered nonplussed obscenities, my darling one mutters back "Wanna snuggle.  Stupid pillow." and so I wound up with my pillow on the outside of the bed, and my husband up my butt snuggled up against me all night.  Through the state's hottest summer ever.  While I'm 7 and 8 and 9 months pregnant.  Alllllllllllll night.  Have I mentioned he snores?

Furthermore, this now meant I had to, when I woke up to pee, remove the entire floppy pillow to exit the bed, and then replace it when I returned.  All 18 times every night.

So along comes baby, and SURPRISE! we're bed-sharing.  So I have baby in the middle, and all is well.  Now, it's just a tiny little person I adore sleeping in my arms every night.  So I have no pillow, no big soft blanket, so my cat won't come within 5 feet of me, so my poor, chapped nipple is in someone's mouth all night, I'm finally not being covered in touchy touchy touchy all night.  Fast forward 9 months.  The baby makes it a nightly habit of trying to burrow into my armpit.  She uses her feet, on my lower belly, as leverage to attempt this task.  After sleeping on my left side almost exclusively for so many months, I will give my left leg to flip over.  So I do frequently flip over and let the baby sleep between me and the floor, but with a roll-proof barrier in place for her safety.  FABULOUSLY this has free my back up for my husband to snuggle up to again.  I'm frequently just laying there, in between them, trying to concentrate on my feet, which no one is touching. 

 

duh.gif

 

You know how cats can sense which person in the house doesn't like cats, and will go to them?

I look really snuggly.  I HATE being snuggled so much.

 

STOP SNUGGLING ME!

 

 

 

 

I feel better getting that out.  Thank you.

post #15 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by callahansmama View Post

My sister in law has a 7 week old who has been sleeping 10 hours for weeks now - hate her guts (kidding) lol:)

I wouldn't get too excited....the 4 month sleep regression is a real b*tch after all....not that I wish horrendous sleep on anyone....

post #16 of 18
Quote:
Originally Posted by tanyato View Post

this morning after posting that i made a strong resolve to eliminate nursing to sleep completely, at least for now while we're trying to deal with these sleep issues. so i decided, to be really, truly 100% IN for ten days. so why not start with his morning nap?

 

i just might kill myself. and i know suicide jokes are tactless and not very funny at all (especially since i have 3 family members who've committed suicide) but it's really how i feel. i am so miserable. this is so stupidly hard. i NEVER felt like i had even the slightest case of the baby blues. i have just LOVED being a mom. and 1, 2, 3 even 4 and 5 months of sleep deprivation weren't ruining my life. but it's been almost 8 months now and i cannot go on. i don't feel like talking to my friends or seeing anyone. it's the middle of summer and i have no desire to go out and enjoy the sunshine. i have been really good about getting nicely dressed and making an effort with my hair/makeup (mostly so i feel better) since DS was born, but i actually don't even care about bathing right now. and worst of all, I DON'T WANT TO BE AROUND MY SON! 

 

I just spent an hour bouncing him to sleep, putting him down, repeat repeat repeat REPEAT! i can't even look at him right now! it's like i'm mad at him which is RIDICULOUS. i think i'm mostly mad at myself. poor boy, he's just sad that i'm not nursing him to sleep like i have done for his entire freaking life!!!!!!!!!!! but on the other hand, jeeeeeeez. you're not crying alone in your crib! I AM RIGHT HERE! HOLDING YOU! SINGING YOU SONGS! PATTING YOUR BUM!!!!! JUST GO TO SLEEEEEEEP.

 

Awww sorry to hear this Mama, I feel for you I really do.  A year ago I was the crazy sleep deprived mama with a 6 month old who was also waking every 1-2 hours.  He is now 19 months and is has gotten a little better but not much...but enough for me to not feel like crazy sleep deprived mama.

 

I totally relate to feeling frustrated when you think "I'm creating a loving, soothing bedtime ritual for you, and I've sang you lullabies for the last 20 minutes now please go the F*** to sleep"  and also "you are so lucky that compared to other kids whose mamas just place them in a crib and leave them to cry themselves to sleep".

 

All I can say is just focus on one day at a time.  It does get better...slowly....my little guy used to wake at least 7 or 8 times a night.  Now it's 3 or 4 and that feels sooooooo much better, much more managable. 

post #17 of 18

Here's where my head is at:

 

Our little guy always woke about 7 or 8 times a night, which equates to every 1-2 hours, sometimes to nurse, sometimes he could be rocked back to sleep by DH.

 

So DH and I started taking turns co-sleeping with DS.  My DH starts out the night with DS, and when he wakes will rock him back to sleep until around 2, 3 or 4 in the morning when he calls out "mama, mama".  That's when I go in and do my shift with DS, who will wake every 2 or 3 hours until he wakes for the day at 6.30 or so.Som

 

Somewhere after DS turned 1...I want to say around 13 or 14 months, he did start sleeping better...by better I mean, "only" waking 3 or 4 times a night.

 

And I feel so much better compared to how I felt a year ago when I was a crazy sleep deprived woman.

 

My DH and I still play takes turns sleeping with DS.  I kind of miss sleeping with DH, on the other hand, I actually really enjoy the time I get to sleep by myself, since it's one of the few times all day I don't have a little person jumping all over me.

 

I have completely lost my mojo....in fact DH and I have not done the deed since DS was born....I honestly have no libido.

 

DH and I would like to have another baby.  I'm 39 this year and I realize that I have a limited fertility window.  But the thought of having a newborn whilst DS is still a crappy sleeper makes me anxious.  And the thought of having another baby who is a crappy sleeper and having to go through this all again scared me.

 

Ahhhhhhhhh

 

One thing I've come to believe is that babies are just wired to sleep a certain way....some are solid sleepers, some are crappy sleepers and it's luck of the draw which one you get.

post #18 of 18
Thread Starter 
Dear god/universe/mother nature

Congratulations, you have discovered how to put me right to edge of sanity. You have successfully tried me to my absolute limit. Here's how you did it: first, you made me too sensitive to entertain the idea of ever letting a baby of mine cry it out. Second, you sent me a baby who loves to nurse. All night long. Third, you make him the squirmiest baby ever to be born. Fourth, you throw in 5am wake-up-for-the-day on regular occasions. Especially after really bad nights. Fifth, you add in the odd seconds-away-from-falling-asleep-and-baby-wakes.

And six, you have it continue for months. 8 months. 8 long months of absolute s*** sleep. Never more than a couple hours at a time and lots of sitting up, moving around, walking, bouncing and burping in the middle of the night too.

This is actual torture. Sleep deprivation to this degree is actual torture.


Torture.
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