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Mothering › Groups › March 2013 Due Date Club › Discussions › Surprised and trying to come to terms with pregnancy - Update.

Surprised and trying to come to terms with pregnancy - Update.

post #1 of 20
Thread Starter 

Hi ladies,

 

I just found out that I/we are pg with number 4.

 

Can't say that I'm happy about it yet.

 

I haven't told DH yet because I'm sure that he will be shocked & somewhat disappointed.

 

We were using protection, but somehow, I still find myself in this situation.

 

We have 3 other young children (2,3 and 5 y.o.), but were out of the infant stage....I was starting to look forward to life of part-time work, sleeping through the night, and embarking on some new adventures.

 

....feel like we hit the "reset" button.

 

I'm sure we will come around to the idea, but it is going to take a bit of time.

 

oh ya, and I'm definitely in the "advanced maternal age' category (i'll be 41 at the time of the birth)

 

I'm carrying around the stick I peed on (in a baggie) just to keep checking.

 

....and I'm NOT looking forward to telling family, most of whom will think 4 is excessive.

 

....trying to figure out how to tell DH, and WHEN to tell DH.

 

sorry if I'm being a downer.

 

TTW4


Edited by thentherewere4 - 8/3/12 at 6:59am
post #2 of 20

Oh boy! I am sorry you are dealing with the stress and shock! Our little bean was a bit of a surprise too and despite the fact DH and I had actually discussed having a fourth at some point, i was still nervous to tell him. He took it well, at least he has not been a jerk about it anyway! I told DH the night I found out after the kids were in bed, the stress was eating me alive.  I actually asked him how much vacation time he would have by March and he asked why and I said it was our due date.

 

I get the whole 'reset' thing too, I am actually happy this little surprise occurred now while we are still pretty much in the day to day baby grind.

 

Lots of good thoughts coming your way. Hope all goes well with your DH, keep us posted.

post #3 of 20
It took a few days for this one to settle with me also. Our others are 4 years apart, so being due two years after my last is so scary to me. We thought maybe we'd have another but not for a long while. I just took my doula training, started a midwife asst course, breastfeeding education, finally got the baby to sleep all night, was ready to really hit the homeschooling again...

I knew for a few days before I actually took the test, so I wasn't in complete shock. Just... wow. 4 kids seems like a lot! But the more I get comfortable with it, the more excited I am. A baby! Someone new to love! And the kids are excited too. I am still sad about cutting short my youngests baby years, but what can I do. I'm trying to give him everything now, as much cuddling as he'll take!

I hope you feel better about it soon. hug.gif
post #4 of 20

Oh this must be hard! I can sort of relate though. When I met DP, I was done having kids, I had my three boys, and that was more than enough for me! I felt like I had my hands full all the time. After we were together for awhile not only did I fall madly in love with him, but I also changed my mind about having another baby. He has no children, and I knew I could never deny him the feeling of joy, love and excitement of having your own biological baby.

 

Even though I knew I was going to get pregnant, when I saw it on the stick, I was still a little shocked... It took a good week for it to really sink in, I definitely hit "reset" button on my clock! My oldest is 8, and I am 37, so needless to say the whole infant world is coming back for me and I better be ready. 

 

I know your situation is different, and if I had three very wee ones, I would be a basket of tears! It is hard, there is no doubt about that. But someday in the future, when all your kiddos are grown, you will look back at these years and smile. 

 

Hang on! Even when the water is rising, hang on... Everything will be okay... 

 

hug2.gif

post #5 of 20
  • I feel like I am reading my own story, except my husband knows and I am 37.

    I too have three kids ages 5, 3, 2!

    Wow.

    I had the hardest time accepting it, and I was the one who said I was open to another.

    I think it's just the same shock that comes with each of my pregnancies. This time tho I know for sure 110 percent that this is the last child o mine!

    I don't think I can get any better as a parent with having more children, and four is questionable in my mind. But yesterday, I prayed about it, and decided to be thankful and not distress about it anymore.

    Today, I just want to full steam ahead, and bring it! Hahaa which is totally laughable in reality, because I'm only a little over 5 weeks.

post #6 of 20

((hugs)) Momma

I'm also surprised with #5 on the way - I was nervous to tell DH but he was awesome! 

 

Today he came home from work and said now that he's had a couple days to process it, he's very excited!

post #7 of 20

I am in a similar position. We only have 1 child, and he just turned 2. More kids were definitely in the plan, but not right now. In fact, a few days before I found out, we had a conversation where we both agreed that we did not want another child right now. I was getting ready to start a midwifery program, and now that is out the window for a few years. 

We were using protection, but it still happened. 
I am warming up to the idea, but it still is challenging. And my family is not going to be at all supportive.

Sending you big hugs. It will work out. Just know that you are not alone!

post #8 of 20
Thread Starter 

DH is still not excited (to say the least).  We had a brief discussion the morning before he left for work....he is still adamant that he would be resentful of me and the baby, and that it would be best to keep our family in it's current composition....it sounds harsh when I type it out because you can picture him saying it with tears and a shakey voice.

 

...I'm glad for everyone else that doesn't have to deal with this, and/or that their partners came around in a short period of time.

post #9 of 20
Wow... What a difficult position for you. What's your heart telling you to do?
post #10 of 20

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It would really break my heart :(

post #11 of 20
I am so sorry he said that... It's so hard to be in this situation, hormones going crazy, starting to feel sick, trying to take care of all the other the things, and yet, feel left so all alone by the one you need most. My dh has made some very harsh comments this pregnancy, and when I stop and think about it, I'm sure he's just as scared about #4 as I am, but still...

hug.gif. I'm sorry...
post #12 of 20

I am sorry he feels that way. Do you have other support in your immediate area that you can turn to? family or friends? At least someone to turn to and talk with about things? I am thinking of you guys, I hope things get better.

post #13 of 20

oh my goodness, I'm so sorry.  Maybe he just needs a little bit more time to process the idea?  And I completely get what you mean, it doesn't actually sound harsh to me.  Who else can we speak our innermost fears to if not our partners?

post #14 of 20
Thread Starter 

Update:

 

So I have been trying to see both sides of the proverbial coin.

 

However, yesterday I told DH unequivocally that this was the end of the abortion conversation.  He is angry and disappointed.  He continues to point out ages (our age and the age spread of the children), but mostly is upset about how *I* get to make the decision....oh course there is a history, but he feels like I get to make all of the big, life-altering decisions.

 

We are going to his mom's house this weekend, and it will be the first time I'm looking forward to a visit....we can be around each other, but can't fight.

 

Next week I'm leaving for a couple weeks (with the kids) to visit my parents....looking forward to the support & reprieve of that visit...

 

For my previous pregnancies I have called my mom as soon as I have seen 2 lines on the FRER test....this time has been very different.  I'm looking forward to telling my whole family at the same time, some of whom will be visiting from international destinations. 

 

anyway, decision made.

 

Your continued support and prayers would be much appreciate.

 

I'm going to organize/contact a counsellor for us to visit in September.  Hopefully some of the anger will have dissipated by then.

 

TTW4

post #15 of 20

This is good news TTW4... I hope the sun will continue to shine on you and your family. 

post #16 of 20

grouphug.gif I hope you get lots of support & encouragement from your visits with family.

post #17 of 20

It's my opinion that it is *VERY* unfair of him to say that you get to make the decision and he has no say.

 

Unless you two had agreed, with certainty, to terminate any future pregnancy, then his decision to continue to engage in intercourse was a tacit acceptance of the

potential for another child.

 

I would feel zero guilt over telling my partner that, and expecting a change in attitude. If not change in attitude, then at least stop with the caustic and manipulative

words. He can't help how he feels, but he can control how he acts.

 

I feel anger about your situation.

 

You are in my thoughts. I celebrate the life within you.

post #18 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by EverLovely View Post

It's my opinion that it is *VERY* unfair of him to say that you get to make the decision and he has no say.

 

Unless you two had agreed, with certainty, to terminate any future pregnancy, then his decision to continue to engage in intercourse was a tacit acceptance of the

potential for another child.

 

I would feel zero guilt over telling my partner that, and expecting a change in attitude. If not change in attitude, then at least stop with the caustic and manipulative

words. He can't help how he feels, but he can control how he acts.

 

I feel anger about your situation.

 

You are in my thoughts. I celebrate the life within you.

truedat.gif I completely and totally agree with you. I don't think it's fair either. And he knew by engaging in intercourse there was a probability of getting pregnant. It does take two to make a baby. 

post #19 of 20
Quote:

Originally Posted by EverLovely View Post

 

He can't help how he feels, but he can control how he acts.

 

yeahthat.gif

post #20 of 20

I will be praying for you and your DH. I am in almost the exact same situation. I turned 40 on July 13th and found on the 21st that we are expecting baby #4. Surprise Happy 40th to me. As I read your post, it could have been me writing. Our kids are 7, 4 and 2 and I was finally getting to the place of embracing the next season of our lives. I have always had "maybe" thoughts of #4 but my DH was happy with 3 kids. Thankfully he was very accepting and excited when we found out that we were pregnant. I'm just having to embrace and prepare for the "reset" button as you said. Praying that he will realize that every life is a gift from God and this precious life is going to be a blessing to you family. 

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