coping with guilt about having a high needs baby

[vbebber1]

Honesty I think this is more if a rant then anything else but I do need help dealing with my guilt , let me start of by saying my daughter has been crying practically non stop since the day she was born we have been through colic , allergic to formula , milk intolerance , acid reflux , strep throat , over 12 ear infections , colds , flu, hand foot and mouth , whooping cough . It seems like anything and everything my daughters had it ! She is 18 mo and I very very rarely get a full nights rest she wakes up constantly and always has since she was born , she crys all the time . Seems like I can't ever make her happy , Were a military family so its just me and my husband doing this alone without friends or family , Currently I am trying to work at a daycare where she goes but she screams bloody murder if I even take 2 steps away from her ,or if she's playing with kids shell just get overwhelmed and start screaming and crying . My boss tells me that she can't keep this up ! I'm just so lost I don't know what to do , I don't know what I'm doing wrong or what else to try , I feel cheated out of being able to enjoy being a mother I always wanted 2 or three kids and now I don't want anymore ever ! I've given up everything for my daughter and still she demands more ! I love her sooooo much and I stay strong and sane for her but I think I'm about to just crumble , I get so much heat from other people about how cranky of a baby she is and how it must be me doing something wrong , but I don't know where else to go from here ! How much more can I give if I've already given all I've got !
I strive everyday to be the best mother possible ,but I'm just so stressed and tired and overwhelmed I feel like I'm constantly failing . Any one with ideas of what I can try to help her overcome crying all the time , screaming , not sleeping . I'm afraid I might have to quit my job and quit takeing her to daycare , because it seems almost 10 times more stressful to take her to work then if we just sit at home her and I !

[LilyKay]

wow that is really tough to deal with. I wish I had something helpful to say but have you consulted with a doctor about her being upset a lot?

[Asiago]

Can you put her in a carrier and wear her? Boba and Toddlerhawk are good for toddlers, my favorite is a hip carry in a ring sling. Sometimes just having that physical closeness to you is a great calming tool. I realize this may be a challenge to do while working, as the other tots may 'want a ride' too, but perhaps while at home or on errands will be helpful.

If babywearing doesn't seem like an option, perhaps co-sleeping would also be calming, feeling you next to her, and again having that close proximity. Having you near her all night, and feeling that safety and security may make her feel more calm during the day as she is with you at work, when you will need to be attentive to other children as well.

[Partaria]

That is so hard mama. I'm sorry. 

First of all, I know it is hard, but try as much as possible to resist the guilt. Sounds like you are doing your absolute best in an incredibly difficult situation. I'm not sure many of the rest of us would fare much better. You are trying so hard, with minimal outside help, to give your daughter a safe, healthy, happy environment. 

I agree w/the previous posters on trying things like child-wearing or perhaps consulting a doctor. My kiddo was inconsolable for his first 6 months of life. Then, through a naturopath's advice, we put him on probiotics. It is not an exaggeration to say the change was overnight, and that he turned into a much happier, less fussy little man. Would this be something you'd want to try? We gave him children's Florajen. It's in capsules, but we opened them and would just mix the powder with a bottle of breastmilk (formula works too) or put some on a spoon with apple sauce. DS never had reflux or any signs of a sick tummy other than his overall what I would call angst, but the probiotics put the kabosh on it right away.

Is going to see a holistic health care provider or a naturopath an option for you? They might have suggestions on how to naturally help boost your daughter's immune system. It sounds like she has difficulty feeling physically well, and that might be the source of her need for tons and tons of extra comforting. 

Hang in there. I know it feels awful, but you are doing a great job in a tough situation.

[luckiest]

That's really hard. I just wanted to double up on some advice already given - more physical closeness (through cosleeping and/or wearing her), and seeing a naturopath or other holistic practitioner, specifically someone who could give you diet guidance. With lots of illness and food intolerances, combined with disturbed sleep (although night waking at this age is totally normal) and extreme behavior (though it's as likely that this is just her nature) my mind immediately jumps to issues with the gut. The majority of our immune system is in our gut, and it can be a source for any number of problems across a huge spectrum, behavior to sleep to autoimmunity to skin problems, etc.

I would find a naturopath and ask specifically about probiotics, gut flora balance, and the GAPS diet.

I have a high needs/spirited toddler as well, and The Fussy Baby Book by Sears is a great resource, and I've also heard great things about Raising Your Spirited Child.

[andromedajulie]

mama, my heart goes out to you. Try not to feel guilty. My oldest cried constantly and woke almost as much for the first 2 years. She grew and changed but continued to be a very difficult child. I never wanted another child and felt cheated out of what everyone else seemed to get. Eight years and a new husband later, with much trepidation I did have another child and experienced that it can be different. You are doing a great job. When your child cannot be happy, mom will always blame herself. But it is not your fault. I recently found out that my child has special needs and I am sure that is part of what went on all these years. I agree with ppl that you may want to try some alternative practitioners to look into something that is not obvious, as well as trying the babywearing. It will change. This is the hardest time, especially for you. Be gentle to yourself, get away alone when you can, and know that things will improve. (((hugs)))