Totally new to this and scared-- help?!

[LionTigerBear]

So my husband and I decided to divorce in April. We couldn't legally file until this month, because in our county you have to have established residency for at least 6 months to file for divorce here, and we just moved here in January.

So now I could file, if I had any money. He said he might give me the money this Friday, or if it's not convenient then at the end of the month.

The thing is, he controls all of the money. I have been putting a lot of time and effort into monetizing my blog but my co-blogger and I just started with this so it hasn't started making us any money YET. I am sure it will, but it will take time.

We own one car, he uses it for work, I have to ask if I want to use it and then drop him off at his job. He keeps my debit card because he lost his, so I have to ask him for that, if I need it, too. He tells me how much I can spend. He says he'll order me another card, but it's been years. And it doesn't matter anyway-- he pays the bills so he controls all the money.

The children are turning 8, 5.5, and 3 years old. The 8-year-old just started school last year-- I had been homeschooling all of them. 5.5yo will start this fall, 3yo might go into preschool depending. I called our social worker and left a message so I'll see what she can refer me to.

Any advice is really appreciated.

Edited by LionTigerBear - 7/10/12 at 9:50pm

[Alenushka]

1) Get a  a real job. Most of the blogger do not make money

2) Get a job

3) Get a job

4) Register kids for school. Millions of kids go to public schools and turn out just fine.  Mine graduate 2 years early and in college now. 

5)  Ask a friend or relative if you can use their mailing address.  call the bank and cancel the debit card. Tell them you lost it. Have a new one sent to a new address

6) Get a new email address. Do not give it to the ex.

7) Open new account. Credit union is better than bank.  Open an e-account. So, all the statement will come to your email address

8) Get a direct deposit  at work

9) I know, you always wanted to be a SAHM, you did stupid things, you came from  abusive family, you ex is jerk. None of that matters anymore. What matters is now. Now, the job and salary will make you independent  and your ex will not longer control you. Money s is power. 

10) Establish your own credit history after you get a job. Start with department store card. Then get a car loan.

11) If you are not using his car, make sure you are off the insurance once you are divorced.

[*MamaJen*]

That is a shitty situation, and what you need is an advocate. Remember that no matter how he controls the money, it's half yours, and it can pay for a lawyer. Just about all attorneys will do free consultations. Find one that specializes in domestic violence issues and sit down for a talk. The lawyer should be able to advise you on how to get access to the money that is legally yours. You should be eligible for alimony and child support. Also, it would be worth your while to call the local DV shelter and see what kind of resources they have available. The more IRL support and help you can get, the better your chance of making it out of this relationship.

I just wrote a response in the "Nasty Divorce" thread, but divorcing an abusive narcissist has its own special set of challenges. He's not going to act like a normal person, and he's absolutely not going to act in a fair and rational way. That's why it's so urgent that you get a good lawyer who really understands DV issues.

Good luck! It's going to be rough, but you can do it. Also, consider using this time to get training for additional jobs. Blogging is a rough way to make significant money. The Feminist Breeder had a great post about that recently. She has a super popular blog and cleared less than $5,000 in the last year.

[LionTigerBear]

Thank you for your reply!

The older kids are already signed up for public school. The 3yo is too young.

If I get a job I won't be able to make much money, and I would rather not have my 3yo in childcare all day. of course I'll do what I have to do but I want to choose the best option for me and my kids. I thought of taking college classes and getting financial aid, but I don't know if that's the smartest choice. (I have about two years of general college complete.)

And everything seems impossible without a car and 0$ to try to start out. How do I even get me and the kids out of this apartment without a car and money? Unless there's a way I can kick him out, but then he says he would lose his financial license because he'd be homeless. We have no money saved up at all because he was unemployed for a long time and we were just getting back on our feet. (But he's always been bad at managing our finances.)

I just feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. I don't want to get a job if it means he'll be able to use that against me to keep the kids away from me for half the week or a week at a time. 

My 3yo still sleeps with me every night, and she often wakes up with terrors or whimpers in the middle of the night, and I comfort her back to sleep. STBX is a heavy sleeper and never did wake up to help the kids unless they shook him awake. 

My five-year-old gets very, very anxious and I worry about him. He may have a developmental disability or OCD or something, I'm not sure. He really needs to have lots of access to me. I thought STBX would recognize that but he's just being very narrow-minded now.  :(

[LionTigerBear]

Thank you, *MamaJen*. I just feel bad spending money on a lawyer. There isn't a lot of money yet, although he will be making a lot of money in the future. I don't even know how I would travel to see the lawyer. Ugh. I'm just complaining now, I guess I would have to take the bus. I don't know this city very well and it makes me anxious.  

Calling a shelter for ideas/resources is a good idea. Thank you.

[Alenushka]

Many colleges have day care on site. Paired with FA and  a job on campus just it is very smart way to go.

See counselor to pick a major/vacation with lowest unemployment rate. What I am saying is, do not major in French comparative literature.

This like Radiology, respiratory Therapy, Accounting, Actuary etc are good and practical.

Public school often have amazing resources for children with various disorders. If it was not for all the public school services, my child who sufferers form bipolar disorder would be a sad  shy shut in instead of outgoing and smart college student.

Many cities have public transpiration mapping service on line. In Bay Are, for example, it is 511.org. I enter start and finish and it plans the trip for me

 In some cities, you can go it thought google maps.

There many things you can do on line :Contact Legal Aid, register for college, apply for finical aid, start the the account opening process. Etc.

[LionTigerBear]

Thank goodness I have a friend who is familiar with divorce and custody in this county, and she's going to come over today and walk me through some links and things. What a relief. It's so overwhelming starting out!

[LionTigerBear]

Thank you, Alenushka. I think college classes will be a good option. I hope they have child care available on campus, I don't know. I'll have to find out. I would like to go into nursing but my grades aren't good enough yet. I'll have to see what my options are. Maybe I could just retake all of the classes I did poorly in. I was taking online classes before but I found it hard to study when the kids were always here and they were younger then. It'll be at least a little easier now.

[Alenushka]

Well, many things can be taken on line. If your kids are in school and preshool , you can do you class work during that time.

If you are interested in heatlhcare but perhapsnot quiet ready for nursing yet, explore allied healthcare professions that education less education. Things like pharmacy tech, MA, dental hygenist . There is nothing wrong with taking it step by step

[Alenushka]

You can become a phelebotomist in a matter of weeks. The jobs in healthcare usually have full medical  benefits even on part time level and things like Flex Accounts for day care.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I am right there in the same situation. The D is already filed. I am running around looking for a job that pays more than 10$/hr and has normal hours, I am coming up at a loss. My stbx is being a bit better than yours, but even then he has given me a ultimatim about the house, I will not be able to afford to live here without a job even with cs and ss, I am trying hard to find a job but I just started looking a couple weeks ago.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I have to ditto MamaJen and Alenushka.  I've been out of my abusive marriage for over two years now and I want you to know you will get through this.  Things will be figured out.  I always came up with reasons why things may not too, but the stronger you get and more confident in yourself you get once you are further removed from the abuse, you will find more and more that you CAN do.  :-)

There are also schools that have family housing and some schools even have special advising for single parents.  It's worth it to look around.  Good luck!
 

[lilgreen]

I just wanted to send you some lovin'. I'm at a similar point - in the process of separating - and stbx is turning out to be very manipulative. He is not physically violent but emotionally and verbally abusive. I got an hour of free legal advice at our local battered women's support services. I have a domestic violence counsellor there that I see regularly (free). They also have a massive collection of coupons :)  Please see what is available in your area. It would really really be worth it. If you can connect with something like a domestic violence organization, they can help you build a support network. I have found that reaching out and building my own support network has been a significant source of confidence.

Good luck to us! Everyone keeps saying how much better life is on the other side - we will get there!

[LionTigerBear]

Hey everyone, thank you for the support and advice! I am working on polishing up my resumé today as I saw a job posting that looks really promising to me! 

I am also trying to promote my astrology services. I thought you guys might have more ideas for how I could get the word out. Is there an appropriate forum here on MDC? I added a donation button on my blog, too. And an unabashed plea for help. any ideas for ways to promote this business would be appreciated. I am trying to start an Etsy store to sell my astrology services but I don't have enough money to list items yet. Ha.

My ex-husband wants me out of here in October. And I want out of here, too, but he's not giving me any money and I have no money yet. I will be signing up for classes but I won't get financial aid money in time to help me move out by/in October. His attitude is very "I have to take care of me and the kids first" and I can't get child support or spousal support until I move out, so it's kind of a catch-22.

BUT, I honestly feel really hopeful and EXCITED about the future. One way or another, I AM doing this, and I WILL get out and start an amazing new life!!! I just need to keep the goal in mind and stay positive!