Sorry - in my first response I had only seen your second note. Now I have read both of them. And I see what's happening.
Yes, your intuition is right on target that your little girl has some big feelings she needs your help with. So when you give her what she wants, she switches to a different "demand" in order to stay mad. That's because her upset is not really about that specific demand. She just needs a chance to cry.
All young children have big feelings. The world is a scary place to them and everyone is bigger. They feel pushed around a lot even when we try to prevent it. (For instance, she needs to hold your hand in the parking lot and you will not let her go ahead of you down the stairs.) These are the limits we need to set for safety but toddlers can't be expected to understand yet why they're so important. So naturally they get disappointed, or angry. When they get angry at us, it scares them. And even just becoming aware that we can leave them is a terrifying thought. If we left, they would die. So every toddler has some big feelings.
So when she gets upset because you picked up the cup, don't take it personally. If it wasn't that, it would be something else. She just needs to show you her upset and will use any opportunity.
When kids have big feelings going on, their prefrontal cortex --which handles rational thought and words -- is not in charge. While she in the throes of big emotion is not the time to talk. It will just make her feel analyzed and unsafe. Asking her to use her words is like asking me to speak Spanish when I'm upset. Sure, I took classes in high school, but on my best days it's an effort for me to speak Spanish. When I'm upset, I just can't think clearly enough to get access to those words. For your toddler, that is what English is like when she's upset. Fight or Flight or Freeze kicks in and she does not have access to logic or words. So that is not the time to ask her to use her words. She just needs you to empathize with her upset.
Her asking you to retrieve her is so sweet! Often because kids don't want to feel their upsets, they hide from us. They may even yell at us to go away. But when we ask them later, they did not actually want us to go away. They are secretly hoping that we will demonstrate our love for them by following them into the thicket of emotion that is swamping them to retrieve them and bring them back into the warm circle of our love. So you can say things like: "You can't come toward me, can you? I want so much to reach you. I love you so much. I want to hug you to me. You are behind the table...I can't reach you...but I will never give up....I will get there somehow to touch you with my love....Hmm... Can I crawl under?...Can I move the table?....Can you just put your arm out so I can touch your finger?....Together we will find a way to get you into my arms again!"
You playfulness might be just what she needs to defuse the tension with giggles, and get her to run to you. OR she might need you to prove that you still love her, even though she is mad at you. In that case, she might turn her back and cry. That's ok. She is showing you her upset, which is exactly what she needs to do. You have created enough safety by saying you WANT to get her, and enough distance for her to feel the distance between you (which may very well be what is distressing her to begin with, so it may be necessary for her to create that distance in order to feel it and cry.)
So when she's upset, your goal is to create safety so she can share her upset. The way to help her is to stay compassionate when she gets angry. Just be empathic about whatever is setting her off, even if you know that is not the real reason she's upset. Then she can go under the anger to the tears and fears that are driving it. Here's an example of how you do that:
So in a way, you do just sit there, but it is very hard work, because you really focus on her and empathize with her upset. I find that often makes me get tears in my own eyes, and that's a good thing, because it brings her more in touch with her feelings also. If she'll let you hold her, great. Often -- when kids are releasing fear -- they need to thrash and struggle and they can't be held. So just stay nearby until she's ready for a hug.
Does that make sense? Please let me know if I haven't answered your question!
Edited by DrLauraMarkham - 7/12/12 at 7:15am