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How wrong am I?

post #1 of 24
Thread Starter 

Update ~ I had told my Mom not to cash it without letting me know she was going to. I thought that was kind of self-explanitory in the e-mail messages but I guess not.

 

I gave my mom a $50 check a few weeks ago. It was a temporary loan, she gave me $50 cash. She didn't cash it in a couple of days, and I forgot about it. I assumed since she knew our finaces she'd let me know before she cashed it. Well she didn't. I know I should have had the money in there to cover it, but I had another issue at the bank yesterday and had to take out some money to cover some mistake that DH made. So that's the reason it wasn't there.

 

Our account is now overdrawn by $54, and they didn't honor the check.

 

Here's what she said, via email ~

 

cleardot.gif




My Mom... 

 


Please do not call me @ work to chew me out. I am sorry this happened. You said wait 2-3 days and then deposit. I waited longer (2 weeks longer!!!) and then deposited it. Perhaps u shouldn't write checks that aren't covered? (Perhaps she should think before depositing it... or call, or ask me for cash?)
 
I do not like your behaviors of calling me to vent.. (for the record, I was calm until she started snapping at me) Please stop. Decide to react in better ways. This is not acceptable to me.

 

Me ~

 

Um... you didn't call before depositing the check and you overdrew my account. THAT'S unacceptable. The check could have been covered if you'd let me know, I have the money just not in that account.

Of course I'm pissed, and you trying to justify your behaviour makes it worse.

 

 

Mom... 

 

i was merely telling u our conversation how I remember it. I am sorry you are mad...I am sorry I gave u money and got a bum check...i am sorry i have a daughter who calls me at work to yell at me...
 
people make mistakes and love and grace could be a choice of reaction.



Me ~

 

You are incredible. All you had to do was make a 30 second phone call before cashing it. Seriously.
 

Sigh... yeah, my Mom and I have issues.


Edited by BabyMae09 - 7/12/12 at 12:11am
post #2 of 24

Sorry,  I am with your mom. If you wrote the cheque, the money should have been in the account to cover.  It's not her fault at all and she shouldn't have to check with you prior to depositing it.

post #3 of 24

Family situations with money are stressful-- sorry you're dealing with one. Ideally you should've told her to let you know when she was cashing the check. But since you didn't, she really had no reason to ask you for permission to cash it. Once I write a check, I consider it taken out of my account, and have an excel spreadsheet that shows this. Hope you guys can patch things up.

post #4 of 24
I agree with most of what your mom said. My question is this: If someone is in need of a $50 loan, what makes you think they are going to have enough money in their account 2 weeks later? That is a bit absurd. If I were your mom, Id have asked before depositing it since I knew that you were short on money.
post #5 of 24

Shoot, that reminds me, I have a two month old check to deposit, but I haven't seen the woman since she wrote it.  I sometimes really delay depositing checks!

post #6 of 24
Thread Starter 

It sucks. I am alone in managing money in our household, but every once in a while DH will do something to screw up our bank accounts and that's what led to the money not being in there for her check. So really, it's his mistake.... again. Ugh.
 

post #7 of 24
I'm sorry. Money woes are really hard. In this case, though, I completely agree with your mother. When someone writes me a check I assume that they actually have the money to cover it. If someone wrote me a check and asked me to wait three days to cash it and then I waited and it bounced I would be pretty annoyed. If that person then scolded me for depositing the check without asking first I would be very, very upset. And I would never lend them money again.

I'm not saying this to gang up on you, but maybe try to see it from the other side. it is not really fair to get angry and yell at someone who was tryi to do you a favor and didn't do anything wrong.
post #8 of 24

I don't think anyone is obligated to check with you to make sure you have money in your account before cashing a check you wrote them. It is your responsibility to keep track of that.

It is stressful and upsetting to make a mistake and get overdrawn but it isn't your mother's fault. I would apologize to your mom for blaming her.

post #9 of 24
Thread Starter 

Okay, let me explain some more. My Mom knows we are always boarderline. She knew I couldn't pay for the check for a couple of days, and I even asked her to let me know before she cashed it if it was longer than that.
 

post #10 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamatojade View Post

Sorry,  I am with your mom. If you wrote the cheque, the money should have been in the account to cover.  It's not her fault at all and she shouldn't have to check with you prior to depositing it.

I agree with this 100%. Next time maybe hold off giving your mom a check until you have the funds available. I think you owe your mom an apology.
post #11 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by BabyMae09 View Post

Okay, let me explain some more. My Mom knows we are always boarderline. She knew I couldn't pay for the check for a couple of days, and I even asked her to let me know before she cashed it if it was longer than that.

 

Even still... I'm not trying to be rude or out of line here, since I know how frustrating these situations are as I've been in them myself. But I think you're misplacing your anger at your financial situation onto your mom. You sound angry at your husband for making a mistake, and frustrated that you're the only one managing your family's precarious finances. None of those things are your mom's fault though - you should apologize to her. Let her know that the stress of the situation got the better of you and you're sorry you snapped on her. 

post #12 of 24

we do whatever we can to not borrow money from family. dh's brothers all are still on their parent's car insurance and some are still on their cell phone plans! they range in ages from 27-45. we are not on anything, we decided we do not want to be indebted to family. i just don't want that. now there have been times we have HAD to borrow, or be hungry for a week or have an injured dog for a week til payday(we are paid every two weeks) but it is absolutely last resort, pretty much life/death or lose-your-job-from-lack-of-gas situation. we are actually there right now...dh sold some christmas light computer program things he made(we are one of those houses that has the christmas light shows) and the money will hopefully be in the bank through paypal by tomorrow. if not-we're screwed and i don't know what we'll do! i could stand on the street-corner, i guess lol

 

i am also bad at cashing checks quickly! thinking about it, i hope i have not screwed people's finances up!

post #13 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by kitchensqueen View Post
 But I think you're misplacing your anger at your financial situation onto your mom. You sound angry at your husband for making a mistake, and frustrated that you're the only one managing your family's precarious finances. None of those things are your mom's fault though - you should apologize to her. Let her know that the stress of the situation got the better of you and you're sorry you snapped on her. 

yeahthat.gif

It's not your mom's fault that you forgot about the check, or that your husband took the 50 dollars out of the account before your mother cashed the check.  Your mom really deserves an apology.

post #14 of 24

Your mom said she's sorry this happened.  What more do you want from her?  It was a simple mistake...on YOUR part, for not having the money (very easy to look and see whether a check has been deposited before you used the money for something else, I don't bother to balance my checkbook but always know what's pending and look at my acct online before I do anything questionable). 

 

If this is how you return favors, don't expect many!

post #15 of 24

I'm afraid I'm with the OP's mom on this as well, and I've been on the OP's end.

 

In my situation, I gave a cheque to a friend of mine to pay for an item she picked up for me at a store.  It was $100, and when I gave her the cheque, I assumed that she would have cashed it within a month or so.  I don't use cheques very often (ordered 200 cheques 20 years ago and still have 150 of them!), and so I don't use a spreadsheet or anything else to keep track of them.

 

Well, at our banks cheques are good up to a year.  My friend deposits the cheque on the very LAST day it was good.  Meanwhile, I had lost a job, had a baby, and had other life issues at play.  I was living off of my savings, and when the cheque went through, I didn't have enough funds.  I was dinged with $25 worth of charges on top of the $100 that went out.

 

I didn't however think it was my friend's fault.  It was totally my fault for not keeping track of whether or not the cheque went through and whether or not the money was actually there. 

post #16 of 24

Call your bank and see if they will reverse your overdraft.  You messed up, it happens.  Apologize to your mom and thank her for the loan in the first place.  

post #17 of 24

 I think the only thing your mom did wrong was accept a check from you knowing you are always "boarderline". She waited a few weeks but still isn't responsible for calling you up before cashing a check that you gave her even if she is your mom.  Pay her in cash as soon as you can and apologize for blaming her.

Keep track of your account better in future or use cash.
 

post #18 of 24

If I'd been your mom, knowing that you're borderline, I'd have called to check before depositing the cheque, simply to protect myself. My bank hits people with a service fee (think it's now $30.00 - was $20.00 the last time it actually happened to me) if we deposit a bum cheque. In this case, that's taking a huge hit, percentage-wise. I also know, from long experience - first as a bookkeeper, then as a Treasurer for a couple different groups - that lots of people do lose track of cheques in a fairly short period of time.

 

That said...you wrote the cheque. A cheque is a basically a promise to have the money in your account, and if you don't have it, you broke the promise. So...I do think, in these circumstances, that your mom should have checked, but I don't think she was wrong not to have done so.

 

I do understand your frustration, but if you're that borderline, you should probably avoid cheques as much as possible.

post #19 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post

I do understand your frustration, but if you're that borderline, you should probably avoid cheques as much as possible.

 

 

This.

 

I've been in your situation more than one time...but never blamed anyone but myself for not keeping track of things properly.  Even if it was my mom, even if she knew things were tight, I'm an adult and she shouldn't have to check with me to see if I can cover a check I wrote to her.  It's also why I've started dealing almost entirely in cash and only using checks for things I can't pay in person or online.

 

Good luck, OP.  I'm sorry things are so hard for you.

post #20 of 24
Do you have a check register? Do you note down each check you write in there -- immediately? Do you balance your account regularly? That might help you avoid this situation in the future, since you said you did have the money & it was just in the wrong account & you forgot about the check. I'm sorry you're in this situation, and though I can sympathize with you, I do think your mom had completely realistic expectations. It would have been nice of her to check with you before cashing it but it sounds like she expected 2 weeks to be plenty of time for you to move money into the account to cover it (since you'd asked her just to wait a couple of days). I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that she meant no harm, and in the future an IOU scribbled on a scrap of paper might be more appropriate rather than writing a check she can't cash. Really, I'd avoid borrowing/lending money to family at all if possible (gifting money would probably be a safer option). So sorry for the situation you're in!
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