Single working mother and daycare questions

[coxrach]

I'm a single mother.  Literally single.  I got artificially inseminated because I was getting older and could not find someone to love and felt my time was running out (physically) to have a child.  It was the best thing I have ever done. I love my son more than I can voice in words and love being a mother. I have to work full time.  No other option but I also like being a social worker and my job.  I am gone (due to commute) 91/2 to 10 hours.  I have just changed to a new daycare for many reasons.  My 17 month old is very happy and social.  I still nurse and co sleep.  When I drop him off he screams and then I cry myself all the way to work.  It has only been 3 days but I wonder how long this will go on not only for him but for myself.  I worry all day about him.  The daycare is a home daycare. She seems loving.  When my son sees me he becomes almost hysterical and laughs and holds me. He has not really napped and eaten very little during those 3 days.  I have no other option other than working.  I guess my questions are:  How do I deal with the guilt of leaving him? Is he ok? ( I grew up on daycare and am bonded with my parents) How long till he gets used to his new daycare?

Rachel

[Cynthia Mosher]

Welcome to Mothering! 

Looks like your post was missed. So I thought I'd bump it up for attention. :)

[MariesMama]

I think that is a very tough age for changes like that.  How many children are at the daycare?  Is it a much different setting than the previous daycare?  While I hate to give you such a pat answer, he will be fine and it really is probably just the age.  You are doing what is best for your family!

[Wilhemina]

I wish I had some wisdom to share. :(

Any progress?

You know he isn't napping/eating on schedule at day care - any other feedback from the care provider?

[motherhendoula]

Thats a really tough age to switch day care providers.  I think you need to give him a few weeks to settle back down into normal routines of eating and napping....  it could be several weeks until he stops crying in the AM.  I know it feels horrible - but typically they reserve their worst behavior for Mom - what does the day care provider say about his behavior?  ill bet once you are gone he is fine!

[Alphaghetti]

As a daycare provider, yes, unfortunately, this could take a few weeks.  I had two little ones recently who went through a phase like this when they were about your son's age, and they had already been coming to me since their first birthdays. They had a blast once it passed. That hysterical thing that happens at day's end is relief based, like, ohh you DID come back! oh thank god you came back! and is also pretty normal for a new daycare situation.

I am sorry you are sad, and crying on the way to work. That's so hard, but ultimately you're doing it for him 

[Aubergine68]

I am a home daycare provider - a good one - and also had my oldest in daycares - good daycares.  This is hard, but normal. I changed my dd's daycare at age 15 mo for many good reasons, and I was unprepared for how long it took her to adjust.  She grieved her former daycare friends and teachers, but adjusted after a few weeks and grew to love her new care situation.

 My rule of thumb is to give it at least 2 -3 weeks for a child to settle in.  I also notice that they may seem to be adjusting and then may have a bad dropoff again after 2 weeks for no apparent reason- I don't know why this is so. If this happens and you stay calm and consistent, it will improve again.

It can help to stay in touch with the provider about how your child is doing during the day.  Can you call to check in after you get to work? Maybe give the provider a disposable camera and ask her to take pics of your child over a few days at different parts of his routine, with his friends ect. and make a little album for him about life at daycare that you can read over together?  

[coxrach]

Oh thank you so much.  He is still screaming when I drop him off but he reaches for her.  He is napping now so that is an improvement and I feel means he is feeling a little safer. The evenings are easier now that he is sleeping although he wakes every few hours all night again.  I just assume it's anxiety and maybe a tummy ache cause he eats so much once he gets home.  He is still not eating much there.  She seems more strict than I am. She says when he is crying when I leave she says stop cyring and he does.  I think she is trying to tell me how smart he is but it makes me feel bad that maybe he is scared so that is why he stops crying.  Her husabnd is involved and Sully seems to love him per wife's report although she tells her husband not to spoil him.  Again, I think that's a culture thing maybe.  The husband usually comes and tells me Sully is so smart, etc.  He is now at least looking at the other kids and gave one a high five she said.  So maybe he is doing better.  It's so hard for me when he cries cause he doesn't cry much unless he's exhausted, tired, hungry, or mad at me for saying no to something.  He's so sweet and loving. Thank you for all your comments it really helped.

[coxrach]

I love the idea of the phone but I'm not sure she would have time.  That's what I've expereinced at daycare. They have so many kids they can't really do extra stuff.  He has terrible ecxema and they can't put cream on him cause they forget or don't have time. His little write and thumb will be almost bloody.  I usually get it all cleared up over the weekend though.

[coxrach]

Camera I mean not phone :)

[coxrach]

Camera I mean not phone :)

[Alphaghetti]

How many kids does she care for? How could she not have time to tuck a camera in her pocket, or take a few pics with her cell and send them to you? And no eczema meds? I personally would not send my child to a daycare that didn't have time to give him medication that he needs.  Even at my busiest, with five babies and toddlers, I have time to send their parents pics via text or email when we are playing, and I sure as heck wouldn't "forget" to give one their medication!

[Goodmom2008]

She is not doing her job if she is neglecting to apply prescribed medication to a skin rash.  And that alone would lead me to find alternate care and a report to the state for medical neglect.  Eczema, if left untreated, can become infected. 

[coxrach]

She's not neglecting him.  It's not prescribed, just lotion.  I'm not worried about neglect.  She like all the daycares in my area can have 6 kids and has a family member with her at all times so she is licensed for 12.  I guess I'm not asking for advise on finding a new daycare or if she is caring for him properly. I would not leave my babe with someone I felt would neglect him. I'm a social worker so I can read people pretty well and know the laws.   I understand how busy and stressful it gets.  I can't even imagine running a daycare. I just wanted to know when he would start feeling ok.  It's hard on my little guy to leave me and hard on me to see him cry.  He reaches for her now even through his tears.  He is acting normal at night and napping so I feel things are getting better.  He still will only eat a few bites of yogurt or a string cheese and then gorges at night. Maybe he will always cry when I leave him.  I don't know. I just want him to feel comfortable there and loved. It's very hard to find the PERFECT daycare especially when you don't have tons of money and most of your friends don't have children so you can't really get referrals.  I do the best I can.  I feel confident in most areas of parents just get stressed and sad when my son cries.  I can see why though, it's scary to be left with someone you don't know.

[lilgreen]

All three of my kids did a daycare change around that time. My third is the most social and outgoing, but he had possibly the longest adjustment. It took him 6 weeks until he stopped crying at drop off. But, I knew it was an excellent daycare (I'd known the woman running it for years) and it sounds like you know that, too. Every once in a while I would call an hour after drop off to make sure he had stopped crying and sure enough he stopped minutes (and sometimes seconds) after I left.

Often I would sneak in at pick up to watch him play and he would be happily playing, but as soon as he saw me he burst into huge tears and wailing and not let go of me for a long time.

But, once he adjusted he begged to go on the weekends. He still goes there now and LOVES it. Thankfully he was the third and I knew he would be ok and I knew it was going to be good for him. I remember how many times I cried on my way to work, too, when my ds1 was adjusting - and at work. It tore me apart. I felt like I was the worst mother in the world. But, slowly he began to get really attached to his caregivers and friends and it all worked out. We now look back at his time there with only warm and happy memories.

xo

[coxrach]

Thank you for the above post. It is just what I needed.  I love him so much I feel crazy at times. I have to work so there is no other option. Thanks for the kind words and sweet story.

[lilgreen]

Good :)

One more thought that helped me get through the rough times - I have always believed that the more people there are in my kids' lives who love them, the better they are for it. If she's a good caregiver, which it sounds like she is, she will love him and that will be wonderful for him.

Oh, and, I'd just keep reminding her about the cream for his ecxema... I know that when I'm really busy, it takes a while for me to add something new to my routine and train of thought. If she can remember enough times it should naturally become part of her routine.

xo

[Goodmom2008]

Have you told her that his rash gets worse if the lotion is not applied?  If so, then she is neglecting him.  And if you haven't, then you need to address it with her. 

In fact, she should be addressing any rash with you.  I know that if my kid showed up at their daycare with a rash, I would have been asked about it as rashes can be contagious. 

[coxrach]

Thanks Lilgreen. That really helped.  I will remind her.  I also agree that more folks that love a kid the better.