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Potty Issues

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

I have posted on here before, about my foster child, my husband and I are currently in proceedings to adopt him. Here's a little bit more information on what is going on. Every time I make him mad, tell him he can't have something, not to do something, normal everyday NO type of things. He poops and pees his pants on purpose. Everytime I punish him for something he does it! I have tried every type of punishment I can possibly think of, Standing in a corner, coloring at the table, taking things away, sending him to his bedroom for a little while, making him clean, I don't know what to do. He has a play therapist coming but I have not yet recieved all the paperwork and things for them to come out and work with him. His regular therapist thinks I'm full of crap because my foster son tells him he doesn't do that and it makes me look like an idiot. Has anyone been in this situation before? And yes I do know that this is alot to handle, but my husband and I are just looking for some helpful advice, and yes we are positive we can handle this situation so please no comments on how this is alot to handle and we may want to consider other alternatives rather than adopt him. We have been over this conversation amongst ourselves and are more than willing to deal with and go through no matter what we have to so that we can call him our son. We love this child with everything we have and more, so please refrain from saying anything like that. Thank you for your help and support.

post #2 of 6

hug2.gifHugs to you!

 

My daughter also does this, though not as severely.  She has good days and bad.  Peeing, pooping, sleeping, and eating are things that kids can control.  A kid who has had an out of control life clings to what they can control.  When you try to control his behavior, he fires back with something he can control. 

 

He is four, right?  Sadly, I am going to say something you won't like.  Time is the only thing that is going to help.  If you and your husband get angry and frustrated often, it is going to take more time.  But as kids grow and attach, they usually grow out of these behaviors.  As you continue to correct his behaviors, he will see that it isn't the end of the world and hopefully he will slowly move away from this form of rebellion.

 

My only real suggestion would be to consider firing the therapist who make you feel like an idiot.  You are correct, this is a hard road you have choosen.  Please surround yourself only with people who will help.  A therapist without training in truama probably isn't going to help much.  We actually just spent an hour session meeting with our family therapist over this exact issue.  She mostly just gave us tips on how we can remain calm and told us that no one is perfect.  When parenting a kid who uses poop as a weapon, every parent is going to  have a hard time remaining calm. 

 

Have you had a chance to read any Dan Hughes books?

post #3 of 6
Thread Starter 

Google has been my best friend the past couple months, and I read some signs of abuse/neglect. He is still showing those, I'm not sure if it's something that I am missing seeing he needs or stuff from the past that is still bothering him.

 

Oh yes I was not very pleased at all to walk past him smell poop really bad, I pulled out the back of his pants a little bit so I could see and yes sure enough there it was. I'm sure everyone hear can imagine how happy I was to have to clean that for the fifth time this week. I will admit not one of my finer moments in life. I have taken care of numerous children throughout my life, and I have never dealt with any of these behaviors before. The biggest going potty in pants problem I had was helping out my friend with helping potty train her daughter. I am her babysitter.

 

And as much as I hate to say it the therapist is a jackass. I thought he was one the moment we walked into his office to meet him the first time. I am actively looking for a new one. I did find an attachment specialist that was willing to work with us but she is 150 miles from me, and as of right now I am only allowed to take him up to 100 miles away. I am trying to get them to redo the court order or see what I can do to make it further. I feel he, aswell as my husband and I really need this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by pumpkingirl71 View Post

hug2.gifHugs to you!

 

My daughter also does this, though not as severely.  She has good days and bad.  Peeing, pooping, sleeping, and eating are things that kids can control.  A kid who has had an out of control life clings to what they can control.  When you try to control his behavior, he fires back with something he can control. 

 

He is four, right?  Sadly, I am going to say something you won't like.  Time is the only thing that is going to help.  If you and your husband get angry and frustrated often, it is going to take more time.  But as kids grow and attach, they usually grow out of these behaviors.  As you continue to correct his behaviors, he will see that it isn't the end of the world and hopefully he will slowly move away from this form of rebellion.

 

My only real suggestion would be to consider firing the therapist who make you feel like an idiot.  You are correct, this is a hard road you have choosen.  Please surround yourself only with people who will help.  A therapist without training in truama probably isn't going to help much.  We actually just spent an hour session meeting with our family therapist over this exact issue.  She mostly just gave us tips on how we can remain calm and told us that no one is perfect.  When parenting a kid who uses poop as a weapon, every parent is going to  have a hard time remaining calm. 

 

Have you had a chance to read any Dan Hughes books?

post #4 of 6

First, and this is important, be gentle with yourself.  This is hard!  Second, it has helped me so much over the years to think of my daughter as her emotional age.  She is eight, but on some levels she is really a two year old.  Intellectually she is eight.  She does well in school and is generally a sweet kid.  But when it comes to sharing or using the bathroom, she is two.  You wouldn't get mad at a two year old for having accidents.  So that helps me keep my calm most days.  My daughter usually has two significant poop accidents a day.  She does have medical issues that make is worse, but mostly it is about control and like a two year old, being too busy playing to go to the bathroom.

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingMyKids4 View Post

Oh yes I was not very pleased at all to walk past him smell poop really bad, I pulled out the back of his pants a little bit so I could see and yes sure enough there it was. I'm sure everyone hear can imagine how happy I was to have to clean that for the fifth time this week. I will admit not one of my finer moments in life.

post #5 of 6

Well, first of all, that's wonderful that you're in the process of adopting this little boy! He seems like he'll be with a great family who really cares about him. :) But, I know it can overwhelming to deal with some of these issues that often come along with kids who have had a rough start in life. So, my first thought on reading your post was to wonder if you've discussed any of these behaviors with your doctor? They might have some insight to offer on how to respond to your foster son. A counselor who works with children might also be worth looking into. Maybe you've pursued that already, but just an idea. And, speaking of counselors, during my time working at Focus on the Family, I've seen this type of problem addressed by their counselors. In fact, they wrote a couple articles on the topic that you might want to look up on the Focus website (just do a search for potty training and take a look at the FAQs). But, I thought they had some good advice to offer on what parents can do in situations like these. Just FYI! Well, I hope this adoption process goes smoothly for your family. Praying for you!

post #6 of 6

Please try to read something by Dan Hughes. (I read building the bonds of attachment) and if you can read some stuff by Heather Forbes. I read "Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control" (not to be confused with the Love and Logic books) and it was lifechanging...she went into great detail about what the traumatized child's brain is doing when they misbehave) You will not be able to punish this out of the child.

 

Try to find a trauma therapist. You HAVE to have a good relationship with a therapist, and with one who will support YOU...this is really more about supporting you and your reaction/ability to help the child than about the child. Because the child is going to do what he is going to do, and mostly time will help with that. The therapist should be supporting you in dealing with this. My daughter has a lot of issues, and its weird but when my response to her changed, her behavior changed (this is what Forbes book is about.) Her behaviors come from a place of fear on a subconcious level and when i respond to her from a place of love and calm, she can change the fear response and then have a more normal response. Its a bizarre thing to see happen, like magic, but there it is. I dont know if that will help your son or not but its worth a try and certainly can't hurt.

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