Newbie, lots of questions.

[kernsy]

Hi!

I'm sorry in advance if this is the wrong section, I'm not pregnant yet but most of my questions are about pregnancy/delivery and not so much about conceiving.  This post might be upsetting to rape survivors, so proceed with caution.

When I was 18 I was raped my a gynecologist and I am just freaking out about being pregnant and delivering.  I have been in therapy for years, group, one on one, I promise I've done everything you can think of.  I still can't be in hospitals/doctor's offices without at least feeling fidgety and nervous, at worst I'll pass out from the anxiety.  We're going to try with buying sperm from a bank first and inseminating at home first before we look at IUI and IVF (which in all likeliness will be necessary but maybe we'll get lucky :) )

Anyway, these are my biggest concerns.  We live in Norway (I'm American, my husband is Norwegian) where they like to let things happen naturally.  You have to actually petition for an elective c section (I can't find a lot of info on this in English yet) or go private which will get expensive.  I know it's a long shot but maybe one of you has experience with something like this?  I mean, I would like to have a home birth but because of my history I can see myself having a very, very hard time.  I know without a doubt laboring and delivering in a hospital would be unbearable.  I don't like to not know what's happening or going to happen, which is part and parcel when it comes to birthing so I'd rather have as much control as I can and schedule a c section (one of the biggest things is also being stuck with male doctors/nurses, with scheduling there's at least more reassurance that I will have my chosen doctor.)  Again because of trauma I won't be breastfeeding, which is a very difficult decision to make in Norway.  I just wish "my body my choice" expanded to birth as well.  

Any advice would be appreciated!  I have bookmarked a few articles that advise doctors how to treat patients who are rape survivors that I am thinking of emailing to the doctor that I choose and see how she responds, does that sound like a good idea?

[Viola]

Hi, welcome to the board.  E-mailing your potential doctors sounds like a good idea to me.  

[GoBecGo]

I was sexually abused for 7 years as a child.

I too agonised before i ever fell pregnant about what i would do if i did.  

I was terrified of genital pain.  I was terrified of not having control (which ruled out epidural and morphine use).  I was terrified of anyone telling me what i could or couldn't do when i was labouring and vulnerable.  I was terrified that my body, which in some ways i still thought of as soiled, dirty, disgusting and broken, would let me down, bring me pain and suffering again, and maybe even kill my baby.

I considered a c/s briefly, but for me i CANNOT be numb and have people touching me.  I cannot.  I could not lie on a bed unable to move or willingly let people make me unconscious and then cut and touch my body.  These are things i would do if my baby was going to die, but not things i could "decide" to do.

I found myself pregnant at 24.  i did the research for my area (i'm in the UK) and realised i was looking at relinquishing at least some of my control if i went into ANY hospital for ANY kind of birth.  My prenatal care confirmed this for me.  So i decided to try for a homebirth.  I didn't know how it would go, how i would handle the pain or how the birth would proceed.  But it gave me immense comfort to know it was MY house, there's a lock on my bathroom door, the midwives would be guests and i could literally not answer the door if i so chose.

On the day i had contractions for about 12 hours and when checked at the end of them was "not in labour".  I actually found the contraction pain very manageable, like a period pain but stronger, nothing like the pain of being raped or recovering from rape.  My daughter wasn't in the best position and thus wasn't pressing on my cervix to help dilate me so labour wasn't really getting going.  The midwife went back to the hospital to gather some more stuff and said she'd come back in a few hours.  While she was away i tried moving about in different ways to find a comfortable spot and my daughter moved into the best position (in one long painful contraction).  Luckily the midwife came back then.  After 1hr24mins of active labour (which honestly felt the same to me as my prelabour) and only 5 minutes of pushing (which commenced when i was sent to the loo to see if i could pee and her head literally began to come out of me while i tried) my daughter was born.

I had no stitches and my baby was in perfect condition.  My "broken" body taught me a real lesson that day.  I feel in retrospect so lucky that i chose the path i did, because i knew i didn't REALLY want to have a c/s, or a hospital birth where i just relinquished control and blanked out what was happening like i'd blanked out the abuse at the time.  I considered those things as the best of a bad bunch, the thing i didn't want least.  I know now that it would have just been one more thing i gave up to my abuser, one more thing i let him take from me.  I'm so glad i didn't.  My relationship with my kids is so precious to me and so joyful, the fact that what he did to me has been unable to touch it, that his harm to me has been unable to change me doing it how i WANT to do it, has been more empowering than i can describe.

I've since had another homebirth with an independent midwife (the NHS midwives i had were nice, but total strangers, which WAS hard for me) and it was honestly the most joyous day of my life.  Another fast labour, 61 minutes - my "broken" body works perfectly when i get my mind out of the way!  Another perfect baby, and this time a careprovider who knew me well, was so sensitive to my needs and my progress she didn't need to touch me or examine me to know how far along in the process i was.  I was treated with such incredible respect and integrity, she gave me more than could ever have been taken from me that day.  I remember her telling me as i pushed my younger daughter out into my own waiting hands "you're doing this yourself, you're doing it ALL yourself!" with complete awe and celebration in her voice.  It was wonderful, i'm pregnant again now and hoping for a similar experience in January.

I would say you should think carefully, put a LOT of effort into finding a good careprovider.  And don't be afraid to go for the birth you REALLY want, rather than the one you don't want least or feel you should have or think might avoid disappointment.  If that turns out to be a CS then GO for that CS, however you need to.  For me i can break my life into parts; the part before i was 5 and the abuse began, the part from then until i was 25 and gave birth and the part since i gave birth.  When i gave birth to my daughter i finally put the abuse to rest, i did this amazing thing, this wondrous thing that i'd so wanted to do, and his influence was not there.  He was wiped away.  I came out of it feeling like *I'D* just been born.  I really surprised myself the first time i gave birth, you might too.