Advice on custody issues

[clovergirl33]

I have been on here a few times as I have gone back and forth with separations with my stbx. Long story short, he spent the last 5 years of our marriage unemployed and gradually declining in every way, including the husband/father role, to the point that the kids and house were completely neglected and mistreated. There is also an extensive history of irresponsible and dishonest behavior, and some situations that have been very questionable with the kids.

So, at the present moment, we have been separated for 3 months. He is living at his brother's which is 1.5 hours away. The kids live with me and visit with him every other weekend, with some increased days during summer vacation. From the beginning, things have been questionable where they are staying -- there are a total of 6 kids there during their weekend and it is basically just "party time" with no rules, boundaries, etc. My kids are 5, 9, and 12 and have been watching pg-13 movies and playing Mature video games every single weekend and coming out with some very inappropriate quotes, and also displaying some fears that I think are related. I have contacted him about it every time and he always says we are "on the same page" and he will make sure it doesn't happen again. My ex refuses to bring my son to any of his sports games on his weekend, even though this is very important to my son, was arranged prior to the separation, and has resulted in his team having to forfeit. I am also not able to get in contact with the kids when they are down there -- neither my ex or my son answers the phone or returns texts. The kids always come home exhausted and sickly, and although they were having a blast with their cousins at first, they seem to have tired a little on the situation.

My ex has been acting a bit strangely. I always work on the weekends that he has the kids, and the last 2 weekends, he brought them to our house, knowing I wouldn't be there and just hung out all day. I feel that this is a violation of my space at this point (with him being gone for 3 months now), and it has been very confusing for my daughter and resulted in her freaking out when he leaves for the first time since we have separated. When I questioned him about it, he said things aren't good at his brother's and he's not really comfortable with the kids being there, but wouldn't share any more details. I asked him about his long term plans for employment and housing and he said there's no news and he will let me know when there is. I talked to him briefly about filing legally for separation/custody and he said (despite these issues) that he wants joint custody. I continue to pay for his car payment, car insurance, health insurance and cell phone and he has no income.

After arriving home today, the kids told me that he had lied and told them that I had texted and asked him to bring them home early, but then later volunteered to them that he had lied about that. He also gave them each a guitar even though he has no job, which seems bizarre, although he has a history of compulsive buying. My five year old told me (again) that they had watched scary movies and I found out what they were -- rated pg-13 and R. They also mentioned my 5 year old crying for me this morning and when I asked what had happened, she and the 12 year old said that her dad had hit her several times on the butt for trying to get out of bed this morning when he didn't want her to. She also came home in her pajamas.

I am not sure what to do with all of this information and how to proceed with the situation. I don't want to hurt the kids by keeping them from their dad, nor do I know if I have the power to do that, however I am very uncomfortable with the situation and he gives nothing in terms of working with me on it and making sound decisions. I consulted a lawyer for some information the last time we separated (last Sept), but haven't made any moves in that direction yet this time. The hope was that we could agree on things ourselves and avoid the expense.

Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[MissLotus]

I would cut back on the visits until you have something in writing that specifies details - such as how and when you are able to contact the kids when they are with him, etc.  I don't mean take away visits altogether, but what about just daytime visits every other weekend.  That would cut down on the time that they're watching inappropriate stuff, too.

This one's easy enough:  I would also simply change the locks so that he can't get into the house when you aren't there!  I mean, he can only do that if you're letting him have a key that works.

Furthermore... "I continue to pay for his car payment, car insurance, health insurance and cell phone and he has no income."  So don't.  Just don't pay those things!  He'll have no reason to get off his butt as long as you enable his laziness.  And you can file for separation/divorce regardless of what he says.  I mean... he wants joint custody?  With no place for the kids to even live?  Ha, good luck to him with that.  If you have been the primary caregiver, you will likely get custody... maybe he can get joint legal custody, but his judgement sounds so off I wouldn't volunteer that one if I were you. 

You also want to stop paying for his stuff because it sets a precedent for the court to go by.  Really, you should want him to pay you child support.  Basically, it sounds like you've handed him everything - visitation, money, etc. and he hasn't done a thing to earn any of it.  So now of course he won't even try, because what does he have to lose?  Nothing.  Time to get tough with him, because the way it's working isn't doing your kids any favors.  Good luck.

[Imakcerka]

The problem with her stopping paying for everything is that I imagine it's in her name or will at least effect her credit.  You could possibly request that he either gives you the vehicle or you will have it reposed unless he starts making payments.  You may need to force him into getting a job.  You should also consider changing locks.  Also consider removing him from your plan.  However you want him to know up front that that is going to be the deal.  You need to give him a time frame and be willing to follow through.  I would suggest going through with the legal aspect and discussing with a lawyer what would and would not hurt you to do.  Each state is different. 

[clovergirl33]

Thanks for your input.

I guess I have felt threatened about all this (and put off separation for way too long because of it) because he has called himself a "stay at home dad" for years. This was a legitimate "title" about 5 years ago, but our finances and his participation in the children's lives declined so much that this was not an accurate depiction for a long time. But he held onto it and I worked my butt off to pay the bills and make our finances work since he wouldn't get a job. All of our kids have been in school (my youngest in daycare) on the days that I worked for 3 years so he could get a job, but he never did. I did work nights for the majority of the time, so he was with them at night. He provided very little care though, and it was more and more of a concern as time went by. He also has had no involvement in any of their activities for many years.

Anyway, I am worried that I am already in a position where I would be expected to pay him support (a lawyer confirmed this), and I used to worry a lot about him trying to get custody on the grounds that he was the "primary parent," since it is ultimately his word against mine.I worry a little less about this since he can't provide a home for them and hasn't asked for that, but it's still in the back of my mind.

The car payment is in my name and I don't want to screw up my credit, so that's the main reason I pay it. I also want him to at least be ABLE to get on his feet and do the right thing, so I hesitate to take away his only means of transportation, nor am I sure I have to right to since both our names are on both cars. But I really don't know the right thing to do at this point. He takes this down-trodden "I can't find a job" approach and acts like a victim.

[Imakcerka]

Eh, that is hard to deal with all around.  I would suggest getting the legal ball rolling.  You're already providing the home and you're financially keeping you both afloat.  I don't see how he would get spousal support if he doesn't have custody.  You need to file.  Honestly I don't see any other way.  In the agreement they would probably split everything and you could keep the kids and your home if it's a mortgage but you need to do something soon.  You getting things started means he'll have to fight it.  Do you think he'll even try if he won't even look for a job?  He might just be using that against you.  He's already too comfortable and you're being really nice by paying all his bills.  Good luck mama