Originally Posted by onlyzombiecat
Yes, she has a responsibility to tell your son that he needs to go home if she doesn't want him at her house playing with her kids. It isn't mean to send him home if he shows up.
It is mean that she tells you that she fears your ds will be inappropriate with her ds but turns around and is nice to his face, lets him play with her ds and then complains to you later. It is mean to tell you that one of your kids is not welcome just because of their age while your other child is welcome.
I would tell the mom that you had already spoken with your ds and explained to him that he may not play with her ds as she requested. I would tell her that if your ds ever shows up at her house she needs to support that and send him home immediately or it just confuses/hurts your ds.
I would tell your ds that the mom is calling you up and telling you he needs to stay away because she says she only wants her ds to play with kids his age. Maybe it is confusing to both of you but he still needs to respect what YOU tell him even if what the neighbor says and does to his face are different from what she tells you she wants. Some people are like that.
...I'd personally reconsider having your dd at the neighbor's house because the mom would make me uncomfortable.
(bolding mine) "Loon" or not, this woman is sending some seriously mixed signals.
To me - if a rule isn't important enough to enforce, it shouldn't be a rule. If she were REALLY concerned about her child's welfare, why would she compromise it just to avoid telling your DS nicely (but firmly) "oh I'm sorry, sweetie, so-and-so can't play today"???
I mean honestly...when I think about my rules involving my child's safety...I'd jump into traffic to protect him! I certainly wouldn't balk at a teenager's momentary disappointment. (especially since, if the boy was upset, I could tell the mother, "I'm sorry your child was upset, but I had asked you to tell him he wasn't allowed to come over, so he shouldn't be surprised that I had to enforce the rule. This shouldn't be news." And really, because I'd assume that it's not, I wouldn't expect the teen to be upset at all!)
I do understand the preference for the teen's mom to talk to him first and do 90% of the work - and that's fine, because she did that - the other mom has to at least commit to holding the line, at a minimum, or else what does the rule even mean?
Originally Posted by Linda on the move
I would make if very clear to my son that this is the other parent's issue, nothing about him. I would make it clear that I knew the other parent was wrong. I believe that this is moment where the OP is teaching her son what it means to be a man in our society and what she thinks of him as a person, I'd be more concerned with getting that right than the neighbor's feelings.
Many 13 year old already have issues and concerns with their changing bodies, and I think some of the posters underestimate what it means to tell a teen boy that he has now crossed the magic line where some people see him only as a potential sex offender.
I wholeheartedly agree - to kids just forming their identity (and sexuality) this stereotype can be devastating. It definitely needs to be handled with utmost sensitivity and the OP needs to communicate clearly that this isn't specific to him or to any of his behavior or individual characteristics (assuming, of course, that it's not). It is solely the other woman's issue and says NOTHING about OP's son.
The other mom is completely clueless. She honestly doesn't have a problem calling another mother and stating that based on her child age and gender, she views them as a potential sex offender. This is SO FAR for civilized behavior, the fact that she really expects the relationship to remain friendly is bizarre...
Although I most likely wouldn't put a stop to my DDs friendship immediately, I think the writing is on the wall that the other mom has some serious issues that will impact her kids' friendships...
I'm not sure how it is different to assume someone is an abuser based on age and gender than it is to assume someone is a thief based on color.
One has to wonder - since this woman so clearly trusts the OP's DD and (one would assume, in a reciprocal playdate relationship) the OP with her children, since she knows the family pretty well, since they live in the same neighborhood, and since her son HAS in fact, spent time playing with the OP's teen to no ill effect - why this fear persists so strongly?
I realize our society is often fear-mongering and prejudicial in this area, but shouldn't *some* of those fears be alleviated by personal experience and/or close supervision/compromises like the PPs have suggested? (play outside only, no doors closed, etc.)