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4 year hit with a wooden plank

post #1 of 5
Thread Starter 



I am a bit at loss here. My DS is seriously uncontrollable at the  moment. He is 4, diagnosed with ADHD and really cute when well behaved, but becomes a maniac monster when he gets tired and/or hungry or whatever.


Today he just hit his big sister (DD1 - 6 years) with a wooden plank out of a toddler bed (like this two planks you can take out to allow the toddler to leave the bed on his own?) He hit her on her head without any fight or anything.

He just said (according to DD) "I am going to hit  you" And she tried to run but couldn't run fast enough :(


I didn't hear anything because there was no fight. I obviously hurt DD crying and intervened at once (neither gently nor calm I must admit). DS had to got to bed immediatly (because not controllalbe = really dead tired) and I took care of DD who knocked her head on a cupboard when he hit her.


What should I do now? I will see an occupational therapist tomorrow about him. He is newly diagnosed, as is DD1. I don't know how I can make sure that DD is safe - I do not even think he did hurt her intentionally, but that doesn't make it less dangerous. What to do?

post #2 of 5

I just replied on your other thread - I understand you're trying to live consensually, but at this point we're not just talking broken toys or crayoned walls.  I'm glad you're seeing an OT/whoever else you might need, but I think it might be time to read up some more on consensual living and get some ideas from old archived threads we used to have on consensual living years ago, and/or consider logical consequences for things like this (as in - hit your sister in the head with a plank, have to play alone with boring toys the rest of the day - or the next day, if it's bedtime). 


My husband is ADD and at least one of the kids exhibits traits, so I get it. From my own experience, I've had to own that sometimes we have to give up the preconceived ideal of how we imagined parenting, and parent in a way that is better for the kids that we actually have - especially when those kids have wiring problems and respond to situations differently.  It doesn't mean throwing everything away and beciming a strict authoritarian jerk, it just means that they might need some firmer boundaries.

Good luck!

post #3 of 5
Thread Starter 

thank you for your reply.


I am lost in this kind of situation. DS did not have dinner with us, because I put him to bed and he was asleep before we had dinner, that could be seen punitive or logical or even natural (tired = needs sleep)


I just don't really see why he did this in the first place. Is it something he kind of didn't know better? or did he intentionally want to hurt his sister? If so, what should I do about it?


they do play beautifully normally. And there is no way to seperate them without constant supervision. plus DD might see it as a punishment for her, too, because she has to play alone.


I am kind of lost :(


But I seriously don't want any of my kids hit by a plank. ever.

post #4 of 5
I don't think a four year old is too you've to understand that hitting isn't appropriate. Most children had moved beyond the random hitting phase by four and hitting tends to happen rarely and tends to be motivated by an inability to think of another solution at that moment. I really suggest reading up on parenting children with adhd. It is my understanding that they tend to need clearer limits and follow through than children without adhd. Follow through can be as simple as pointing out that an action us not acceptable and telling a child to stop.

Even if you don't want to impose consequences I think it is still important to point out when a behavior isn't appropriate and say why. When something like hitting happens it is also sometimes very effective to ask the child who hit why they hit and help them brainstorm solutions for the next time they want to hit.

I sounds like you might be a little worried about the children seeming to not care for other people's feelings. Some of that is typical for the age but if it is a concern I suggest the book Raising a Thinking Child by Myrna Shure. This author has some wonderful suggestions with real life examples for raising emotional awareness for young children and the family as a whole.
post #5 of 5

OK, re:  ADD - my kids come up with the craziest ass things that they think sound totally reasonable and exciting to try and can't wait to see what would happen.  Fortunately, none of those ideas have been ''let's see what happens if I hit you with this", but I could see it happening with a young impulsive kid, without there being malice, so I wouldn't worry too much about that at this point.  He's only 4, you've got lots of time to work with him. 


Having said that, that's where the consequence comes in - if they are given a real firm structure of laid out problems and consequences, that can be the governor on their motor until theirs really develops more.  And for a lot of ADD kids, they sometimes really need that external governor. especially when the actions we're talking about aren't just affecting them. My daughter, the one who seems to have some of the traits, has an ACID tongue and is quick to jump to (incorrect) conclusions, and while she doesn't really attack people unprovoked, she retaliates fiercly and she is strong.  So we've got pretty firm boundaries around all of that.   My husband is on medication - and quite frankly it has saved our marriage.....he has tried other coping strategies, but this is the only/first one that he has ever said makes him PAUSE before doing things, and think about various outcomes that might not be great.  It's the governor for him, he says.  Now to be clear, I am NOT saying to medicate your kid.  My husband wasn't diagnosed until he ws 30, so he didn't have a childhood full of learning coping strategies and basically would rather take the pill...and he's an adult so that's his choice.  With a kid, you've got years and years to help teach them coping, and I think part of that is holding the reigns for impulsive kids until they're able to, especially when those impulses can turn sour. 

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