SPOTLIGHT on Segolilly!!! - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by mamadiamond 

with all those kiddos running around, how are parenting decisions made? is it the group of parents decides for all the kids, or each biological parent decides for their own kids, or a mix?

It's definitely a mix! We have bi-weekly house meetings, where we decide a lot of things democratically - the rules about how we share the trampoline and computers, for example, and the consequences for breaking rules. Then there are things we all just agree on & enforce- if you don;t eat a healthy meal for dinner, you can't have dessert, that kind of thing. Then there are the moments when each parent deals with their own children - DP's kids go to public school, so their weekend bedtimes are earlier than the rest of the kids, because they can't get too far off their regular schedules. Generally we all work pretty well together, though a lot of the AP/peaceful parenting is relatively new to DP, so he spends a lot of time asking why we did things certain ways. He is on board with it philisophically, but just doesn't have the years of practice the rest of us do.

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by nhklh 

How do you find the energy to keep up with so many family relationships?  Do you all equally parent all of the children?  I assume some of the children have other parents outside of your household?

I'm another one very interested in the dynamics - it's so different to what I know/have lived.

Who says I have to energy for any of it, lol! I answered a lot of that above, but you are right - DP's kids live with their mom except for his visitation; My oldest & DH's oldest live half-time with their other parent. My ex is one of our best friends, we talk about everything and we all make decisions together. not so much with the other two moms, who pretty much do what they want & let the dads know, which is often tough & sometimes results in very difficult conversations. EX: DP's ex just put their 12-year old back on ADD meds. everyone here at our house knows he doesn't need them - the kid made the honor roll last spring without them, for heaven's sake! He is an energetic boy, but there is nothing 'wrong' with him. We have asked her to come over next weekend when she drops the kids off to talk about it - he's not happy, either, because he doesn't like how they make him feel. Hopefully the group conversation can make a difference, but ultimately she has legal custody, so we shall see!

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by DeeGee 1873 

Wow! It sounds like you have a really busy life.

I love that your hobbies are so artistic (I am jealous of anyone who can paint or really sew). I would love to hear more about your interests and hobbies . . . and how you manage to find time to do them!

Time is really the tough part! I have a painting I wanted to make for DH's birthday - It was in mid-June, and I haven't gotten one moment to even get a brush out! It's easier in the school year, when I have my 2 days a week at home 'alone' - there is only one kid here during the week not in school, and I'm not responsible for him on those days. of course, I have doctoral work & bills to pay, etc, but I am pretty good about carving out my times for ME stuff. That's when the scrapbooks get made, the paintings get done, etc! THis is one painting I did awhile ago (I can't find many pics of more interesting ones!). Usually my paintings are more ethereal - they aren't of stuff, but of colors & images, though I love painting trees!

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by themothership 

How much work do you have to put into your garden? We've been thinking about starting one, but are afraid of the time commitment.

With 7 adults living on the property, and 3 others who come to work in the garden, it's not too bad actually. Before we moved, I had a very small but beautiful garden on the side of the house. Other than planting, which took a few hours, I spent about an hour a week weeding, etc. The kids loved to do the watering (watering here is automated, which is SOOO nice!), and of course we just harvested when needed. I don;t think gardens have to be too time intensive - the biggest part is getting your space ready, which can take several long days of work depending on how you are setting things up.

[segolilymama]

WHEW! That was fun! I don't think I've spent that much time talking about myself since my last job interview! Feel free to ask anything else you want to know - as you can probably tell, I don;t mind answering anything!

[Eandko]

Thank you for sharing. I love learning about families who have a completely different make up to what I'm used to. :) Have you always had an open relationship with your DH or were you monogamous at first? If you started off monogamous, was there any sort of difficulty transitioning to polyamory?

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by Eandko 

Thank you for sharing. I love learning about families who have a completely different make up to what I'm used to. :) Have you always had an open relationship with your DH or were you monogamous at first? If you started off monogamous, was there any sort of difficulty transitioning to polyamory?

We started out in a theoretically open relationship, but it was almost 2 years before either of us acted on that. We also went through about a 2 year period of declared monogamy.

In both cases, the transition was difficult for us both, in many ways. It's funny, people think "Oh I could never do that, I get too jealous." Let me tell you, there is plenty of jealousy that happens around here! And many other emotions as well. I have always had an easier time with the 'flings' than the involved relationships; DH has always been the opposite. We have found that as long as we are being sure to meet one another's needs, the rest works out pretty easily. Which means we have both had to grow a LOT in the area of saying what we need, which is a tough skill!

[phatchristy]

Originally Posted by segolilymama 

In both cases, the transition was difficult for us both, in many ways. It's funny, people think "Oh I could never do that, I get too jealous." Let me tell you, there is plenty of jealousy that happens around here! And many other emotions as well. I have always had an easier time with the 'flings' than the involved relationships; DH has always been the opposite. We have found that as long as we are being sure to meet one another's needs, the rest works out pretty easily. Which means we have both had to grow a LOT in the area of saying what we need, which is a tough skill!

I would have wondered about the jealousy issue as well, thanks for answering that one.

Does your extended family know about your lifestyle and are they supportive?  Another thing that I would wonder about as well is how the kids feel about these relationships, and if any of them have struggled at different times as your relationships have transitioned.

If you don't mind me asking, how big is your house?  It just sounds like so many people LOL.

[esp831]

You are such an inspiration as a mama/student/teacher/gardener/artist etc.  It sounds like you have created a really wonderful family life!  I thought you had mentioned that you have some food allergies or intolerances?  How do those manifest for you?

[nhklh]

Wow, I didn't realise there were even MORE parents involved than I'd imagined.  I'm exhausted just reading about it!

Originally Posted by segolilymama 

My oldest & DH's oldest live half-time with their other parent. 

[nhklh]

How does your DH feel about the baby on the way?  Is Jordan likely to have another baby at some point?  Are Joe and Jordan strictly friends?

Fascinating.  Not in a "freak show" kind of way of course, but in a "wow-that-is-so-different-to-my-life" way.

I don't think I'd cope at all with having that many  people around me.  Fair to say you're something of an extrovert?

Thanks for your openness :)

Originally Posted by segolilymama 
At this time, we are a bit more like two monogamous couples living together - me & Joe, DH & Jordan. However, with all of the different ways my relationship with DH has looked over the years, we all know this is probably pretty temporary - and driven a LOT by the fact that Joe & I are bonding over this baby, and the physical set-up of our house - we really wanted a place where each adult had his/her own bedroom, but as it is for now we have 2 adult bedrooms- Joe & I share & Jordan & Craig share, because that's the only 'coupling' that works!

[travelmumma]

Lol SegoLilly I think yours is the most popular Spotlight yet!!!

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by phatchristy 

I would have wondered about the jealousy issue as well, thanks for answering that one.

Does your extended family know about your lifestyle and are they supportive?  Another thing that I would wonder about as well is how the kids feel about these relationships, and if any of them have struggled at different times as your relationships have transitioned.

If you don't mind me asking, how big is your house?  It just sounds like so many people LOL.

My family knows and is very supportive (although 1 brother is very conservative, and 'just doesn't get it' lol). DH has almost no family - just his dad that he never talks to; DP's family is weirded out bu accepting :). Jordan's family has been a big struggle for her, one brother still won't talk to her :(

The kids change from time to time - they have their struggles & adjustments, too, but they generally have embraced having a big community to live in. Most of the relationships we have had have not been introduced to our kids, so they had no issues there, of course. But these are much different, more serious, committed, and of course all of us living together it would be impossible to not deal with!

Our house is actually smaller than the one we moved from in October, but more functional. 7 bedrooms, nice sized kitchen (with a smaller second kitchen going in downstairs), the biggest issue is our living room is tiny, it's hard to all watch a movie together!

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by nhklh 

How does your DH feel about the baby on the way?  Is Jordan likely to have another baby at some point?  Are Joe and Jordan strictly friends?

Fascinating.  Not in a "freak show" kind of way of course, but in a "wow-that-is-so-different-to-my-life" way.

I don't think I'd cope at all with having that many  people around me.  Fair to say you're something of an extrovert?

Thanks for your openness :)

All 4 of us had lots of discussions before we decided to bring this baby into the world. DH is very happy that I have another partner to have a baby with, as I wanted 1 more, and he is DONE. Jordan is done as well (she actually had the Esher (sp?) procedure done about a year ago. So this is it - #13, and NO MORE, lol. And Yes, joe & Jordan are strictly friends. There is no attraction between them at all :)

I am somewhat of an extrovert, but I need my time & space. It's part of why I travel, to get out of the craziness, and enjoy the solitude of a hotel room (or the relative solitude of a few people).

[segolilymama]

Travelmumma, when you have a life as 'weird' as mine, people want to know ;) I have had SO many people say we should be on a reality show - and it's tempting, but IDK about MORE people cramming into our space, with lights & cameras....

[kaleiskind]

Boring question, but what are you growing in your garden this season? We live on an acre, and I'm really embarrassed that I've yet to plant anything other than a few trees and berry bushes.

[phatchristy]

Originally Posted by segolilymama 

Travelmumma, when you have a life as 'weird' as mine, people want to know ;) I have had SO many people say we should be on a reality show - and it's tempting, but IDK about MORE people cramming into our space, with lights & cameras....

Thanks for being so open about the questions...I think the birth control you mentioned is called 'essure' a while back in the family planning forum I was researching birth control and came upon that.  

(obviously that wasn't much of a fruitful search for me...heh)

I don't see having a reality show being good for interpersonal relationships, but hey I'm sure the $$$ they get is nice!

[newCTmama]

Segolilymama - Thoughtful questions & thoughtful answers - so nice to read! Peace and good thoughts to you & your family!

[segolilymama]

Originally Posted by kaleiskind 

Boring question, but what are you growing in your garden this season? We live on an acre, and I'm really embarrassed that I've yet to plant anything other than a few trees and berry bushes.

More tomatoes than Ragu needs in a year ;). Also kale, green beans, chard, carrots, radishes, beets, basil, cukes, onions... I think that's the list. Might be some other things growing out there ;)

[segolilymama]

Thanks everyone for your questions - Chritsy, you are right, it's Essure - she has had mixed reactions to it; it's definitely a permanent form of birth control. DP is thinking vasectomy after I heal up from giving birth. That means no more babies, unless DH & I screw something up!

I agree about the TV shows, too - the stress & intrusion of having cameras around all the time, plus becoming 'celebrities', has no appeal for any of us. The $$, on the other hand... well let's just say it would have to be a LOT of $$ to outweigh the negatives, and even then I doubt we would do it. But we sure would be interesting to watch on TV!

Thanks for the love, NewCT :)