I put this in personal growth because it seems to fit here best, as confrontation is one thing I struggle with. I want to be assertive, but I don't like confrontation and I don't like conflict. I'm so upset to be put in this position!
History: My SIL has a real issue with showing up at parties and gatherings with random people. Well, they may not be random to her, but are to everyone else. At Easter she brought a coworker with her then she left and I felt obligated, as hostess, to make her feel comfortable as she knew NO ONE, so I sat and spoke to her but was ignoring my other guests and did not enjoy the gathering I worked so hard to put together. Not that she wasn't a perfectly nice person, she was. But it was awkward. Sil does this kind of thing a lot, to everyone. My DH has spoken to her about it, in fact, he was pretty mean to her about it after the Easter incident. Of course, sil inappropriately TOLD the uninvited guest that dh was mad about her coming, so the poor woman apologized to me profusely the next time I ran into her at the grocery store. Of course, I brushed it off, told her it was fine, because she should never have been made to feel like it was HER. That wasn't the point, it was SIL always showing up with strangers at family events.
Now, DH and I are getting "officially" married, we have lived together for ten years, have four children together, have bought and paid for a house together, we wear rings, we call each other dh and dw etc but just now doing the wedding thing.
I don't mean to say that it's "no big deal", because it is meaningful. But it's not like we are just starting out, we don't want the wedding itself to be a big production, we just want a simple ceremony with close family at our home. We are not inviting our entire family, because with aunts and uncles and great aunts and cousins and second cousins etc, we got up to 150 count and said whoa, wait..... we decided to make it just those we are really and truly close to, parents, siblings, those aunts uncles and cousins that live close by and we are close to and see often. Not to exclude the others, but we are not trying to spend a fortune, nor do I want anyone else to have to (we've asked for not gifts and don't want anyone to have to travel and stay in a hotel etc).
Seriously, we aren't hiring professionals for most things, my sister is catering, my best friend is taking pictures, my dh built a deck for us get married on, we will put up a bounce house for the kids etc. and I wanted my SIL friend (same one from Easter) to make the cake because that's her profession and she's done cakes for us before, on SIL reccomendation and she's good. I told SIL I wanted her friend to make our cake and next thing I know, the friend is invited to the wedding!
I don't want to hurt the girls feelings and its nothing personal but I don't want her at my wedding. I will resent having one of sil friends there when I have family that won't be. It's that simple. If I were going to invite more people that I already am, it would be family first, then my friend and coworkers next. I like the girl but she's not family, nor is she MY friend. I barely know her, she seems nice, that's not the point. The only nonrelative who will be there is my best friend, who is closer to me than my own sisters so counts as family. Of course, its MY wedding, I can have my best friend there, shes the maid of honor. DH best friend, and best man, happens to be my brother, so seriously, no other nonrelatives.
But now I'm in a very uncomfortable situation. Do I tell her not to come? Do I make sil tell her? Should I have someone else make the cake? I mean, if she gets her feelings hurt at being uninvited, it's awkward to have her make the cake, isn't it? I mean, sil seems to think she should come because she's making the cake, but I'm PAYING for it! If she were a close friend who was making it for free, that would be different. What do I do?
What would you do?