I recommend the book The Explosive Child. Your child does not have to be anywhere near explosive, violent, or argumentative to benefit from the author's approach of collaborative problem solving. DH and I have an oppositional child who is not at the level yet of being able to participate much in cps. What has worked is to be consistent in how we handle things, at all times. We are easy-going, not many rules, avoid punishments, etc. I keep in mind that I am raising future adults. How will my child know how to load the dishwasher if I don't show her and guide her? I can't just say, "Please set the table," without first having shown her, perhaps many times, how to do it. We adults often forget that tasks such as "make the bed" involve many steps. I agree w/ pp that the author should have pursued her children when they messed up. You didn't do the trash right, that shows me that you need more practice at it ;) We don't show or expect our kids to do real things and are then irritated when they don't do real things! I need my kids to see that we don't treat people badly, that's not okay. I don't have to punish a lot, I have to consistently guide. When our daughter has a violent outburst, I don't punish her, I guide her through it (although to those who don't live here, some of it may seem like punishment).
We are free, but NOT pushovers. You are not allowed to hurt us, to break our stuff, to do very dangerous things, and we will make you stop if you cannot stop yourself. DD1 has anxiety disorder, so we do have to push her sometimes. But it's a gentle push with our hands on her back, not a shove off a cliff. A life vest in the water until you feel safe, not a toss off the diving board. I know some of what I said sounds like feel-good mush that is not a real answer, but we have tried a ton of different things to get dd1 to stop hitting us, use nice words, help around the house, and obey us more. We are not at the better point we are at now b/c we sat around and meditated on it. It was pure trial and error with lots of advice from lots of people. She currently has a chore chart that involves a daily & weekly reward and that has been the ONLY system we've implemented that has actually gotten her to do simple things like get dressed without heaps of drama. I know a lot of people here don't like the idea of bribes, and that's great for you if your family is functioning without them. One of our children can live without them and one cannot.