Beyond frustrated - needing to vent

[cadinsmommy]

I don't know if this is PPD or not....maybe I am just selfish. But either way, I am having a hard time.  We have a 6 year old son and a month old daughter. We are practicing attached parenting; breastfeeding, co-sleeping, wearing our baby, etc. (A little back story - my son is from a previous relationship and our daughter is my husband's first child). But lately I just want my freedom, I want to sleep all night without interruption, I want to be able to leave the house without having to pump for days to make sure I have enough milk stored up.  I want my husband's life.  He works early in the morning, so I don't wake him to help with the baby in the middle of the night and he gets to go out and leave the house without a second thought.  I bartend 2 nights/week for no more than 4 hours per shift. My husband takes care of the kids while I am gone.  It seems like this is my only "adult" time.  My MIL comes over during this time to be an extra set of hands for my husband.  I was just told by her that he seems pretty "stressed out" and he really should be able to have some "me time" to destress from it all.  I just about lost it!!! I get almost ZERO "me time" and am with the kids all of the time. 

I am at the point where I want to bottle feed so I can get a break, and am feeling deeply guilty about this as I am well-versed on the benefits of breastfeeding (my son was breastfed for 18 months).  I don't know what to do!!

[artekah]

Hugs. That was a VERY insensitive comment from your MIL! I don't know if insensitivity is the norm for your MIL, but it kind of is for mine. Don't let her get to you, just brush it off.

I completely understand where you're coming from. It's often hard to be sure whether you are depressed or if you're just doing something very, very hard that would be a lot for anyone to deal with. I think SAHMs with small children are very often put in a position that is just f-ing depressing, by anyone's standards. And that anyone living that life can't help but have those trapped, hopeless feelings at least some of the time.

I also understand what it's like to have a DH who is devoted, hard-working, and doing absolutely everything right, but who you *still* feel burning resentment towards because he has SO much more freedom than you and doesn't even seem to realize how unequal it is. Until YOU are the one breastfeeding every few hours 24/7 for many months, it's just impossible to understand how physically and emotionally HARD that is. So I really think to some degree, men just can't understand, now matter how wonderful of a man we're talking about.

Try to remember that getting up early and going to work every morning is not exactly a picnic either. All you can see is how unfettered he is compared to you (and he IS, believe me I get it) but there is a flip side to that. What he does to support his family is hard too.

It's just hard. All you can really do is work on having excellent communication with your DH so you can work together to get your needs met. If it's possible, I highly recommend hiring a young girl to be a mother's helper to take some of the heat off you now and then. She can watch the kids for you while you take a long bath and shave your legs, or dick around on the Internet or whatever. Maybe talk to your DH about taking the kids in the evening now and then while you go sit with a book in a coffee shop just for an hour, or walk around the mall and treat yourself to a new top or whatever makes you happy.

It'll get better when the baby gets more independent. Take good care of yourself, make time for friends, you will be okay. I'm right there with you!

[cadinsmommy]

Thank you so much for your kind words! Everything you have said, rings true for me. I have started to talk to DH about all of this, although it is hard.  I feel bad for not being as strong as I was with my first child. I will just keep trying!
 

[Louplus2]

Hugs mama. Deep breath.

I KNOW how hard this stage in your life is. I have a 32 month and 10 month old. We don't live near family, and we also do attachment parenting, breastfeeding, co-sleeping.

Be gentle with yourself. This time is so intense, it's crazy. BUT... I can say it does get easier. It really does. When your little one becomes more mobile, and they are eating solids, you will find some time. This to shall pass.

I agree with the previous poster, a mothers helper, or even get your MIL in when you are home (if you could stand it).

Communication is key with your DH

[llwr]

Yes, a very insensitive comment from your MIL.

The first couple months are really hard.  It's just what having a tiny baby is.  If you can come to some sort of acceptance about that and appreciate it for what it is and that it doesn't last forever, it may be easier for you.  I somehow experienced them as a great joy, and I still cried, was overwhelmed, exhausted, and jealous that DH's life was so "easy" to name just a few. 

I would try really connecting with your baby; it might make all the care a little bit easier.  Eye gazing doesn't get any better than with a newborn.  Try to view breast-feeding as a time to rest.  You could take the baby out with you to get some adult time.  Ask for help and be specific.  Other people can do laundry, meals, cleaning, watching your older child, taking the baby for short periods..

[doulawoman]

Sigh, and hugs, I could have written this post. You're not alone, though at this point I've fit an appointment with a psychiatrist to explore meds, a few pills for anxiety emergencies, and an seeing a counsellor regularly. The more support you can get the better you'll feel.