Depression/Anxiety Support Thread--How are you doing today? - Page 2

[BeautyforAshes]

I'm not having a good weekend--I feel sad and alone. 
 

[lilgreen]

I wish you could come over. I'm feeling alone, too. *HUGS*

[BeautyforAshes]

Saw the psychiatrist today and have more med changes.  I'm hopeful that we are headed in the right direction.  I really like him a lot but the sad news is that he is leaving   The one that is coming to take his place was there before, and I really didn't think he was as helpful.
 

[lilgreen]

BeautyforAshes - I know how helpful it is to feel secure and confident about your psychiatrist. I really hope that with the different things you've tried,he/she will have some new ideas. 

afm - I keep having near panic attacks all day long every day. I breath. I haven't done yoga in two days, but yesterday I went for the most glorious swim in the ocean in the evening. It was amazing! I meet with a 'divorce coach' psychologist tomorrow to discuss a parenting plan. Stbx returns tomorrow sometime with the kids and then I flly with the kids East to visit my family and be at my brother's wedding. I will try to stay sane with all of the commotion and demands. Ds1 has a hard time with transitions and he is very sensitive to tension and then all of that pent up anxiety gets flushed out on me because I'm his safety net. It's hard to be verbally abused in the worst kind of way by your 10 year old son :(  It really takes a lot out of me but it's only going to get worse when we tell the kids that we are separating. I just need to remember that it will get better; everyone is saying that it will.

How is everyone else??

[rosadesal]

I saw a medical doctor who told me that my GI issues are because of my panic attacks. My psychologist tells me that my GI issues are causing my panic attacks. Conflicting information. I had blood work done to check thyroid and autoimmune disorders, and the only thing that came back abnormal was my eosinophil which was high. The doc said this was probably due to seasonal allergies and told me to get some Zyrtec, but then insisted that she "strongly believed" I needed to be medicated. I declined medication, for now, and am feeling really frustrated with the mixed messages I'm getting. I'm so mad at my body right now. I've been looking into caffeine allergies...

[stayingpositive]

Rosadesal, I find what you said about your GI problems and panic interesting. My son deals with that and this past year I have found that when my stomach isn't right, my panic and anxiety is on high alert. Its interesting how the body works, to say the least. I am told there is help for what we are suffering with, but, the hard part is it takes time.  Find a good doctor, one who listens that is also key !! They are not all the same and some are far from good !!!!

For those who feel alone, I went through that the first couple of years following my divorce. It is crippling.  A few things that worked for me was to be around others. You may need to find new people since the ones you used to hang out with are either busy or have sided with your Ex.  I joined support groups, they really helped and I got involved in a NEW church. Not for everyone, but a new church felt like a new beginning.  I even joined a book club. Some do yoga or join an exercise group, just do something. It was a complete change for me as for the 10 years leading up to being alone, I had my days planned, I was a wife and mother, I didn't have time for me, and all of a sudden, I was alone 2 days a week and on weekends.  I also started riding horses, something I did before kids and husband.  Being on a horse and giving up some control was awesome, I was free for the first time in years. Do something for you, be selfish, you deserve it.  I'm still "trying to stay positive" and forms like this are a God send.

Blessings to you all and remember you are not alone.

Big hugs

[lilgreen]

Thank you stayingpositive. I have been thinking of new ways to be social and ways to nurture new (or old) passions. Once we have a set schedule I want to start drawing and painting again. I want join a cycling group as soon as I can buy a road bike. I already go to a local alanon group but I may have to find a new one, depending on the schedule we settle on.

I'm full of fear right now about not being able to stay firm in face of stbx and his demands about the kids and money. I'm scared of regretting how I handled this years or months down the road. I'm scared of making life worse for my kids rather than better. I am so completely full of self doubt that its making me very depressed. Sigh.

It doesn't help that me and the kids are visiting my parents and my mom is drinking again but sneaking around and making random trips to 'the store'. It's so uncomfortable to be back where I was growing up - pretending that I'm clueless about it and just avoiding the heck out of her. Sucks.

How are everyone else doing this week?

[lilgreen]

I have been feeling pretty emotionally stable this past week while I've been here visiting my family with my kids. Until today when stbx called me sobbing. I shouldn't have answered the phone, but I thought he was calling to talk to the kids but none of them wanted to talk to him so I was stuck. It was so yucky and I found out he is refusing my plan to work this out collaboartively. But said he is writing me a letter, which I well get in a day or two outlining his position and reasons. So, I'm trying not to get too overwhelmed by it until I read that letter. That's going to be a rough day, I know. But overall I don't feel as emotionally vulnerable as I did a couple of weeks ago. No more panic attacks or near panic attacks - that seems gone, at least for now.

Sleep has been on and off. I need to do more pilates. It's so hard with the family all cramped in this small cottage and the weather has been awful and cold. Anyways, that's my latest.

How was/is your day?

[BeautyforAshes]

Work has been getting busier for me, which has made my anxiety worse.  I had been feeling better for a while, but stress seems to make everything worse.  I had a funeral today for a friend's mother, which was sad.  It's hard to really be there for other people when I'm just trying to keep myself in one piece.

[lilgreen]

Originally Posted by BeautyforAshes 

Work has been getting busier for me, which has made my anxiety worse.  I had been feeling better for a while, but stress seems to make everything worse.  I had a funeral today for a friend's mother, which was sad.  It's hard to really be there for other people when I'm just trying to keep myself in one piece.

Work stress is bad. I hope you're doing ok. I am not really working right now (I'm a PhD student and my supervisor told me to take al the time I need to work through my separation) but I think I actually need to get back to work. It's not stressful, though, but does require a significant amount of emotional and mental energy (I research and write about children who were born into war in East Africa) so I'm not entirely sure I can. I think I'll try next week, though.

I had a mild panic attack Wednesday and took an atavan pill which made a big difference. I now know my cue that a panic attack is approaching - I begin to feel motion sickness for no real reason and it increases when I do things that should make it better (like fresh air, walking, eating, etc). I'm learning. 

I'm home alone until Sunday, which is still a strange feeling. STBX has refused to move out until October 1, though. I'm doing little things to stay calm and to keep from crying all the time. Last night I went to a life drawing session - my first time drawing in over a decade. It was so so so awesome. I am definitely getting back into my artistic side. I did pilates this morning for an hour. Now I am going to clean the house, go buy waterproof biking gear for me and the kids which is on sale and also pick up some fruit. Then I'm going swimming in the ocean at high tide this evening. That's going to be so glorious!  

So, overall, I think I'm doing ok. I think.

[lilgreen]

Actually, cancel that. I had the beginnings of a panic attack early this afternoon and a stretch of crying non-stop (of course it was while I was out in public! I hate crying alone in public!). I made it through it without having to take atavan, though, which made me feel good. My anxiety was in response to an email I got from stbx's 'divorce coach' therapist.  I asked him via email if we could talk over the phone later today or if I could email him my concerns and then I felt a bit better. When I got home, I wrote out a long response noting my concerns about his suggested process for the next few weeks. I'm just waiting for him to reply. I really hope he does before the end of today! stbx returns on Sunday and I need some assurance about a few things before that! Ah! Now I'm getting stressed out again. Breathe. Sigh.

I'm still planning to go swimming this evening. That will be good.

[BeautyforAshes]

Hope you got a satisfactory reply to your concerns, lilgreen.  Sorry that you're having panic attacks--I'm glad you have the ativan if you need it.  It's good that you're able to do things for yourself like drawing, swimming and exercising--hope they help make you feel better.
 

[stayingpositive]

Sorry Lilgreen, sorry that your having to relive the hard childhood years - I know what going back home can do to a person.  How are you doing today? Better I hope.  Keep doing what you are doing, it will get better. Not sure about the "mom drinking thing" That has to be hard.

I'm glad you are doing or looking into doing things that will make you happy. We all need to remember to take care of ourselves, Moms need love too

I hope everyone else is doing well and had a good Monday. I start a new job tomorrow, I hope I don't "stress out" too much about it.

Have a great evening Moms !!

[lilgreen]

Thanks for your kind and understanding words stayingpositive. I think I'm doing ok. I have been questioning my perspective lately since stbx is being such a 'nice' father and he's being extremely careful how he talks to me. I will spend some time tonight reading old posts to remind myself what he's capable of. I need to stay strong to be sure that I do the right thing. I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow, which I am really looking forward to. I hope it's productive.

How is the latter part of August going for you all? What have you been doing to try to remain stable and able to get through the days, or even to be able to enjoy some happiness?

xo

[ERRN84]

I'm wondering how all you guys coped with these feelings while pregnant? I want to start a family but my panic is rediculous! When I have anxiety attacks I can't eat, have constant diarrhea, and all the other symptoms you're all familiar with. How can I carry a baby feeling this way?! And my drug choices are limited although I've pretty much decided I'll have to stay on cymbalta (which is the only med that's ever helped my panic)!

[BeautyforAshes]

ERRN84, I didn't start having serious anxiety/panic attacks until after the birth of my daughter.  I'm thinking starting to think about having another child, but I'm so scared to have to go off most of my meds that I don't know if I can do it.
 

[lilgreen]

When I got pregnant w ds3 I had just started Cipralex, 20mgs. I got referred to a reproductive mental health psychiatrist who was so wonderful. She discussed my options openly and reassured me when I had worry where no worry was needed. I wonder if there is any kind of psychiatry services like this in your areas who specialize in medicating pregnant and breast feeding women safely. There is often minor possible side effects but the benefit of the medication usually outweighs any risk.

Oh and we also have a program called mother risk, based in toronto. They might have some good info online or if you call them. envelope yourselves with support.

Had a good evening out w friends talking about our friends in northern Uganda. These women (our friends) carried and birthed babies conceived through forced impregnation in the middle of battles and fleeing through the jungle and bush. Their children are smart and beautiful. We are resilient beyond our comprehension I am so privileged to know their stories and to be part of their lives. They give me strength in my darkest moments.

xo

[justmama]

Been sorta staying away from this thread for a little bit because things have been really overwhelming right now.  I'm trying to end a relationship slowly and quietly without conflict like my therapist has suggested and that's never easy.  I got my official brand new and shiny OCD diagnosis not too long ago so that was super fun.   And I'm trying like heck to get the kids all prepped to start school again next week with a serious budgetary shortfall which is never easy.  Sometimes being a single mom blows.  

Positives:

Ran a half-marathon with my sister for the second year in a row and hit our goal for fundraising for ALS.  It was wonderful.  And my uncle who is afflicted was able to be there which just made it feel even better.  

The kids will be in school next week so I can take those few hours of half-day preschool without the youngest to get back to things that center me and make me feel in control after a busy kid-centered summer.

This sounds horrible of me but since the kids will be in school we can't go to the zoo or children's museum during hte week which is a blessing as it sets off my anxiety/OCD something fierce.

All the bills will be able to be paid this month.

I was able to can salsa for the first time all from ingredients I grew myself in my own garden and that felt like a huge victory.  It's delicious!

Hope everyone is doing okay and staying positive and finding joy in their lives.  Just hold on and breathe.

[rightkindofme]

I have PTSD and GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) with occasional bouts of Major (and Minor) Depression. Woo. My stuff is probably 90%+ trauma related. I was raped many times as a child by many people. I have a lot of self-worth issues if I am not having sex with every man who flicks his finger at me.

During my first pregnancy I was sick all the time and I was in horrible pain. I lost 18 pounds by the end of the second trimester. I started off at 184 so this wasn't considered all that worrisome. I started acupuncture in the third trimester and my life got better. But I was on bed rest for the last two months. Thus my anxiety and panic attacks were very minimal. I was bored and lonely and depressed, but I didn't have all that much to be anxious about. I sat around with a laptop doing research on every aspect of parenting I could think about. My husband works long hours so I had about 60 hours a week by myself to research pregnancy, parenting, and dealing with my mental health shit while having kids.

Between my kids I started smoking pot for the first time in my life. I smoked through my second pregnancy with the full awareness and support of my midwife and therapist and prescribing doctor (I'm in California--this is legal here.) I feel kind of weird about it because pot is still so stigmatized, but I truly feel like it is a wonder drug. I have more of a life now than I ever have. I tried a wide variety of western meds for my psych issues and the side effects made life not worth living. Pot levels out my anxiety and gives me a slight pause in my thinking so that I have to consciously decide how to react to things. Yes, I'm doped up. (I don't drive stoned.) Every anxiety medication dopes you up. That's the point. But I hate smoking and my lungs are clearly irritated. It's been about three years now of smoking. I'm trying to figure out how to transition onto pills or edibles in some way but it's a lot more expensive and I don't have a whole lot of money to blow on drugs. Heh. Smoking is about a $10/week habit for me.

Even with pot (because I can't actually be stoned all the time, unfortunately) I still have significant variance in my days. Some days I cry a lot all day. I can't completely hide it from my kids. I'm honest and age appropriate. "Mommy's brain doesn't work quite like everyone else's because of stuff that happened a long time ago. Everyone develops differently. My brain likes me to cry a lot. It's really annoying." It's hard.

I have a hard time believing that growing up with me could be better than being free of me. Aren't I bad? Aren't I damaging just by existing? All of my life people have told children to stay away from me because I was bad. That started when I was three years old. It's never really stopped. One of the neighbors won't let her kid play with my daughter any more. (I tried to address her daughter physically intimidating my daughter. I guess they think I should have shut up and tolerated it. I *am* willing to work on issues with difficult children--but I want to talk about it and be honest and proactive.)

Yesterday while I was out running six separate men or boys took the trouble to call out insults. Dyke. Lesbian. Whore. Bitch. A variety of things in Spanish I didn't parse. I am training for a marathon. These were men in my neighborhood harassing me. I feel very unsafe now. Today I ran at the gym. I feel scared. I feel like I am just crouching in the corner waiting for the next time someone will rape me. All of these men are so fucking scary. They all feel the need to let me know over and over that my sexuality is available to them for comment. I have known too many men who didn't stop there. I feel very afraid in the world.

[lilgreen]

I'm thinking of you, mama. I will write more later, but I just wanted you to know that. xo