Sorry I didn't read your OP close enough!
Our older little one has clear memories of her neglect, but her little brother does not. He was removed early enough that he has no real memories, but has an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. However, the services he receives through the behavioral therapy agency really do nothing in the way of counseling.
The behavioral therapist who comes here works with both of them on how to handle feelings of anger and frustration, not so much where those feelings come from.
Though she remembers the trauma, in some ways, I think it is worse for him. She has something she can talk about and work through, and I think she may be able to eventually identify that there were specific people who hurt her and she couldn't trust, but she can trust others. He has a constant worry that no one will take care of him and will abandon him. He doesn't really remember who hurt him, so he sort of assumes anyone will. That's the way I see it, anyway.
Originally Posted by lauren
I am a big believer in temperament, having seen lots of challenging children (including my own!) that never suffered anything in their lives. The traits that they have identified as being part of temperament are traits we all have--just with a higher or lower degree of intensity. May be worth a look. I have argued (playfully) with a major attachment theorist about this topic and I'm sticking to my opinion, that some kids have temperaments that actually resemble children with major issues--only they have not had an challenges in their life or development.
Our own bio-son (4) has a very difficult temperament. He was an extremely colicy baby, and, as it turns out, is very lactose intolerant, so, was living with pretty constant tummy troubles for 3 years before we really figured out what was going on. He cannot handle change, is very concerned when things are out of order, HAS to have a written schedule... his tantrums can the rival the excess and violence of our older foster daughters (and now that she is on meds again, they are more frequent), and he certainly has never been abused/neglected. Sometimes my husband gets really worried that he is ODD or OCD... but I tend to think personality/temperament lies on a continuum or spectrum. He is just a little skewed that way. The things that help him, early bed times, naps, regular routines, a written schedule, 'team meetings,' quiet time in his room... etc. all really help our foster daughter as well.
I am going to look up Parenting the Explosive Child and Beyond Consequences for our own household.