Night time and the family unit

[NaniGoat]

I am enjoying co-sleeping and night nursing my 21 mo son.  It seems like there are some people who are not super supportive of this activity.  My husband wants me to sleep with him, (I sleep in the baby's room in a queen bed) just easier and we don't all wake each other up.  Also since our dentist says i might want to cut down or cut out the night nursing because of decay my dear husband is implying that should happen too.  I feel like I"m alone in my quest to do what I feel is best and at the same time don't want to stress the relation ship with my husband any more than it is.  Probably will only have one baby, it has been my dream to have a baby and be a stay at home mom.  Sometimes, I feel selfish thinking this is what I want, deal with it.  Also, feel like the boy will ween when he's ready.  I"m the mom and don't want to be questioned by anyone.  At the same time, I don't want to cause the decay in his teeth.

OH BROTHER!!!!!!!!!!!

[Cynthia Mosher]

You posted this in the Questions and Suggestions forum, which is for technical issues using the forum. I'm going to move your post over to The Family Bed and Nighttime Parenting where it fits better for discussion. :)

[dalasmueller]

 First, I wanted to address the sleeping/family unit aspect.  Your husband wants you to sleep with him - this is your #1 priority!!  As wonderful as co-sleeping is, it is NOT more important to your child than your marriage.  That is the single most important gift you can give him - a healthy marriage and family unit.  If you absolutely have no way of all sleeping together, sleep with your DH.  I would suggest, if it's possible, to push the two beds together to have one huge bed, and you can roll in between the two through the night :)  We have a twin and a queen pushed up next to each other.  I also found a nifty foam insert at Bed, Bath and Beyond that covers up the crack so it's like one big bed.

As far as the cavities go.  Do not worry about this.  Nighttime nursing does not cause cavities... But, again, if your husband does not believe this and he is insistent on cutting out the nighttime nursing your marriage is MORE IMPORTANT than nursing through the night.  But I would suggest doing some research, and getting some second opinions to share with your DH if he is worried.

It's not selfish in any way to want to be a stay-at-home mom.  It's natural and what God intended for us.  The best person to raise your child is YOU!  Don't feel bad about that.  The boy will wean when he is ready :)  Breastmilk is the healthiest thing for him; sugar and bad food causes tooth decay - not the healthiest food that he will ever eat (breastmilk!)

Don't let people outside question your parenting decisions or make you feel bad about what you're doing.  But, at the same time, there are times when it is better to defer to your husband - even if you are right.  Co-sleeping and extended breastfeeding are wonderful, but they are nowhere near as important as growing up in a home filled with love and his Mommy and Daddy.  And whatever happens, don't beat yourself up about it.  We all do things less than the best sometimes, and our dear children will turn out ok.  Praying for you!

Dalas

[greenemami]

See, I feel like baby/toddlerhood is such a short time in the long run, that her dh should be more supportive and allow her this time.  They have the whole rest of their lives to share a bed, but her little one will not want to do this forever!  Maybe you guys can come up with a compromise-i.e. you put baby to bed in his room, join your dh in bed, but then go back to baby's room when he wakens and spend the rest of the night there?  What exactly does he miss the most-going to bed together, cuddling all night, waking up together, more opportunities for sex? I would try to accomodate part of what he wants, but explain that this is your only baby who will only be little for a few more years and you need this time with him without pressure.

As for tooth decay, my dd did have problems with cavities that needed to be filled, possibly because of constant night nursing.  Practice good tooth brushing and hopefully it will not be an issue :)

[Asiago]

Regarding your dentists reccomendation to cease night nursing, please evaluate the information available, there are numerous studies. Many dentists, as medical doctors, are misinformed about breastfeeding.

http://kellymom.com/ages/older-infant/tooth-decay/

You are not alone, you are in the majority of mothers in this world who cosleep with their children. You just so happen to live in a society which is the rarity and does not. You are actually quite normal in your wish to do.

http://libaware.economads.com/sleepwithme.php

Quote:

In almost all cultures around the globe, babies sleep with an adult, while older children sleep with parents or other siblings. It is only in industrialized Western societies such as those in North America and some parts of Europe that sleep has become a private affair. The West, in fact, stands out from the rest of humanity in the treatment of its children during sleep. In one study of 186 nonindustrial societies, children sleep in the same bed as their parents in 46 percent of the nonindustrial cultures, and in a separate bed but in the same room in an additional 21 percent. In other words, in 67 percent of the cultures around the world, children sleep in the company of others. More significantly, in none of those 186 cultures do babies sleep in a separate place before they are at least one year old. In another survey of 172 societies, all infants in all cultures do some cosleeping at night, even if only for a few hours. The US consistently stands out as the only society in which babies are routinely placed in their own beds and in their own rooms.

[Honey693]

You need to talk with your husband.  Cosleeping isn't working for your family and you can't just push him to the side b/c it's working for you and your child.  He's part of the family and has needs too.  21 months is a long time to sleep alone.  Talk to him and see what he thinks you should do.  This is one of those areas where I would be willing to compromise.  Put your child to bed and then head to your bed with DH and either head to your son's room when he wakes up or put him in your bed maybe?  Have your DH put your son to bed while you grab some alone time and then the two of you head to bed together?  Find out what he thinks would work for everyone.  Here my daughter who is about the same age falls asleep in our bed, DH moves her to her bed once she's in a deep sleep and at some point during the night she wakes me up to pick her up and put her between DH and me.  It's not ideal, but DH and I get kid free alone time and she gets mommy and daddy snuggles.  

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by NaniGoat 

 I"m the mom and don't want to be questioned by anyone.  

Personally, I think this is a really unhealthy way to view parenting. What if your DH said, "I'm the dad and I dont want to be questioned by anyone." That sure wouldn't fly at my house. DH and I are partners in parenting, it's not just my way all the time. I think you need to really sit down with your DH and explain how you feel and then listen to him and how he feels. In the end, I would wind up sleeping with my DH. I'm not going to let my marriage suffer to night nurse a 2 year old. I could see if he was a tiny baby, but at two I think it might be time to start focusing on more independent sleeping habits since your DH would like to see that happen. You've done it your way for two years already.

Originally Posted by dalasmueller 

 

It's not selfish in any way to want to be a stay-at-home mom.  It's natural and what God intended for us.  The best person to raise your child is YOU!  

Dalas

Seriously?

Being a SAHM has nothing to do with night weaning or cosleeping. If anything, I would think that since the OP is a SAHM she has all day to spend time with her son, maybe she could share her nights with her husband.

[LynnS6]

After 21 months, I think you're out of the newborn and baby phase and starting a phase where you need to live as a family unit, and not as mom-baby + dad. Dad's needs are valid too. Personally, I think it's unhealthy if everything revolves around a child's needs. One of the major things children (not babies, but children) have to learn as they grow is that others have needs too. Moving back into your own bed after helping your son fall asleep would be a start.

Personally, I would night wean him, and maintain the bedtime and morning nursing. At 21 months, he doesn't need the night time feeds anymore. It's time to rebalance your life a bit.

[htovjm]

I think it is really important for your DH that you listen to him and respect his opinion. I do not always agree with my DH, but if I sit down with him and fully listen to him and let him know that I understand and respect his needs, our relationship is stronger for it. Sometimes it's just important to be heard, even if the outcome doesn't get changed.

I agree with other PPs, that it is not healthy to isolate your husband from the role of the parent and assume that you know best, as the mom. There are times when I am too tired or frazzled that DH makes the best suggestions for the care of DS. Plus, I personally think it's very important that the father takes a lead role with the raising of a son at a certain point. Your husband needs to feel like he is a valid part of your son's life because he does play a vital role!

As far as what to do with night weaning/co-sleeping, I can only tell you what we would do. We have found a family bed to be the best solution to night-nursing and remaining a family unit. It is very important for our marriage that my husband and I share a bed and equally important for our family that our son sleeps with us. There is nothing better than those morning snuggles as a family! How much disruption is there really at night? I know ages and stages are different, but my 6-month old has rarely caused any disruption to our sleep. Night-nursing is a very peaceful activity for us and my husband rarely wakes up at all. 

I hope you can find a solution to your problem. Please let us know if you do!

[dalasmueller]

Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama 


Personally, I think this is a really unhealthy way to view parenting. What if your DH said, "I'm the dad and I dont want to be questioned by anyone." That sure wouldn't fly at my house. DH and I are partners in parenting, it's not just my way all the time. I think you need to really sit down with your DH and explain how you feel and then listen to him and how he feels. In the end, I would wind up sleeping with my DH. I'm not going to let my marriage suffer to night nurse a 2 year old. I could see if he was a tiny baby, but at two I think it might be time to start focusing on more independent sleeping habits since your DH would like to see that happen. You've done it your way for two years already.
Seriously?
Being a SAHM has nothing to do with night weaning or cosleeping. If anything, I would think that since the OP is a SAHM she has all day to spend time with her son, maybe she could share her nights with her husband.

I only mentioned being a SAHM because the OP mentioned it.