To find out or be surprised... Boy or Girl?? - Page 2 « Back to Group Discussions

[buko]

Spughy brings up another point-- one of the reasons we don't want to know is that we would like to keep things here relatively gender neutral.  Through childhood, even.  Not just in terms of clothes, but that's a bonus IMO.  I DON'T WANT CLOTHES.  I'm going to be sooooo picky about clothes

<-----wannabe fashionista, gender-neutrality proponent, is looking forward to spending very little $$ on cute clothes at the thrift store.  

Anyway, I'm hoping that not knowing/telling the sex will at least cut down on the needless clothes spending, esp. frilly/impractical stuff and super-gendered stuff.  We need/"need" a lot of non-clothing things for this babe, so I'd rather other people's $$ go that way.  

[nearlyelated]

Originally Posted by buko 

Spughy brings up another point-- one of the reasons we don't want to know is that we would like to keep things here relatively gender neutral.  Through childhood, even.  Not just in terms of clothes, but that's a bonus IMO.  I DON'T WANT CLOTHES.  I'm going to be sooooo picky about clothes

<-----wannabe fashionista, gender-neutrality proponent, is looking forward to spending very little $$ on cute clothes at the thrift store.  

Anyway, I'm hoping that not knowing/telling the sex will at least cut down on the needless clothes spending, esp. frilly/impractical stuff and super-gendered stuff.  We need/"need" a lot of non-clothing things for this babe, so I'd rather other people's $$ go that way.  

Yes, this!  I have a friend who just had her second, and she's one of the few people who knows, but she keeps telling me about all these things I'm going to need when I have two, and I keep telling her that I really don't think I'm going to need anything.  I've dress DS in pretty gender-neutral clothing since birth, and if it's a girl I'll have no trouble dressing her in the same things he wore.  

Last year I thought I might want to know, but that urge has pretty much disappeared and I'm fixed on the idea of finding out at birth.

[jodieanneanton]

After thinking about it, and talking about it, DH and I kept going back and forth.  I don't like waiting for anything and because I have 2 dd's, we have virtually no gender neutral things or masculine things.  And... Did I mention I don't like waiting for ANYTHING???  I have a serious impulse problem.  But I really want that moment.  You know, the one at birth where we will be so excited and surprised by the reveal as it was meant to be revealed...  THAT MOMENT!  But, like I may have said, I don't like waiting for ANYTHING!  So, now that we have our names down to 3 of each, we have made a decision about finding out.  Surprise... I think.  lol.

Edited by jodieanneanton - 8/20/12 at 5:11am

[revolting]

I found out the first time. I didn't the second. If I have an ultrasound for some reason, I'll find out the sex.

[firespiritmelody]

We have 3 girls and a grandma that just can't help but buy dresses lots, and lots of dresses. We've got mountains of pink clothing... so, if we are blessed with a boy this time, we need to know about it as soon as possible lol. Seriously, we *might* have a dozen GN clothing items.

Thankfully though, our stroller, car seat, high chair etc are all GN so we're good there.

[ClumsySugarPlum]

My health insurance is pretty crappy, so if we get an ultrasound the cost (100% of it) will be applied to our deductible. However, the calendar for the deductible starts over in January, so we won't reach our deductible anyway. The total cost of the ultrasound at 20 weeks was estimated between $300-500. Because I'm not at high risk for anything, we will be skipping the 20 week scan. If for some reason we need to get an ultrasound later, like we did last time when the midwife thought fluid might be low, we will find out. It's kind of killing me not knowing for sure, but we just can't afford to spend the money on something we don't need. I would really like to know so we can start calling the baby by name. This not only helps me bond, but I think it will also really help ds. Also, if the baby's sex is not really what I'm rooting for, I would prefer some time to prepare. I prefer gender neutral clothing, but alot of the hand-me-downs we received are pretty boyish. I would like to be able to purge and replace stuff that is not GN. We brought DS home in the most adorable onesie that had lassos, bandanas, and sheriff's badges printed on it, and it read "Daddy's L'il Cowboy." This item we can probably sell and get something less boyish. 

[LightForest]

I don't think we'll be finding out. The last time around we left it as a birthday surprise. It was so wonderful to get to know the baby in utero without any gender assumptions, and then to learn that she was a SHE once she'd been born (and after we'd had some lovely gender-oblivious cuddle time).

[maogans]

We didn't find out until the birth with DD1.  I was very tempted to ask the tech at our 20 week scan, but DH really wanted the surprise, so I waited until he caught her and told me.  For that pregnancy I was hoping for a boy, but I felt it was a girl all along.  I'm so glad now, because we have a bountiful supply of nice hand-me-downs from her many girl cousins.  Yay!  

For this one, I'd love to give DD1 a little sister.  I already have a name in mind!  And I've already caught myself saying "she" and "her" to DH several times.  DH still wants to be surprised, but with all the girls we have on each side of the family, I'd be stunned if we had a boy.   So I guess I'm fine with waiting again...unless I see something on the 20 week scan that looks 'obvious'!

[buko]

Yeah, I guess I figure that if people are spending $30 on a gift for us, I'd rather they buy the $30 manual breastpump or whatever, and I can spend my own $30 on 6 cool outfits from the thrift.  Whereas, if they spend $30 on one really frilly dress with dustruffle panty or baby tuxedo with matching spats, I will have to spend my own $30 on that breastpump.  All things being equal (which I know is unrealistic, but...) I prefer the former scenario.

[Bena]

Originally Posted by buko 

Spughy brings up another point-- one of the reasons we don't want to know is that we would like to keep things here relatively gender neutral.  Through childhood, even.  Not just in terms of clothes, but that's a bonus IMO.  I DON'T WANT CLOTHES.  I'm going to be sooooo picky about clothes

<-----wannabe fashionista, gender-neutrality proponent, is looking forward to spending very little $$ on cute clothes at the thrift store.  

Anyway, I'm hoping that not knowing/telling the sex will at least cut down on the needless clothes spending, esp. frilly/impractical stuff and super-gendered stuff.  We need/"need" a lot of non-clothing things for this babe, so I'd rather other people's $$ go that way.  

Not to burst you bubble, but...

I feel exactly the same way about clothes and pink frillyness.  With DD, we found out but didn't tell anyone (except for our parents and sibblings, who loved to be in on the secret.  We had several reasons not to share the info, but avoiding a pink overload was definitly one of them.

Well, I found out soon enough that the reality is, people are going to buy this stuff anyways!  We didn't get it before the birth, but as soon as she was born, we were overhwelmed by clothes.  People like to buy clothes for little girls.  The pinker, the better!  It's a fact.

I just learned to live with it and accept people's generosity for what it is.

[mamakaikai]

Originally Posted by Bena 

Not to burst you bubble, but...

I feel exactly the same way about clothes and pink frillyness.  With DD, we found out but didn't tell anyone (except for our parents and sibblings, who loved to be in on the secret.  We had several reasons not to share the info, but avoiding a pink overload was definitly one of them.

Well, I found out soon enough that the reality is, people are going to buy this stuff anyways!  We didn't get it before the birth, but as soon as she was born, we were overhwelmed by clothes.  People like to buy clothes for little girls.  The pinker, the better!  It's a fact.

I just learned to live with it and accept people's generosity for what it is.

I completely agree! Not telling people the sex of the baby is basically just buying you time until the reality sets in. People will spend their money how they see fit, even if given parameters. As I also learned with our first daughter, even if we specified gender neutral, people still got purple frilly dresses, because...they weren't pink right?! It's one of the more frustrating things about parenting, imo. I have ideas on how I want to raise my daughters, but the people in their lives (grandmothers, aunts etc) have ideas on what kind of relationship they want with them too. Including the idea that they want to make them happy and love them and give them what they (the child) wants, despite what the parent wants, because they want to make the child happy. And oddly, sometimes that means giving a 3 month old a pink blanket, because surely the little girl knows that pink is best right?!

[buko]

Originally Posted by Bena 

Not to burst you bubble, but...

I feel exactly the same way about clothes and pink frillyness.  With DD, we found out but didn't tell anyone (except for our parents and sibblings, who loved to be in on the secret.  We had several reasons not to share the info, but avoiding a pink overload was definitly one of them.

Well, I found out soon enough that the reality is, people are going to buy this stuff anyways!  We didn't get it before the birth, but as soon as she was born, we were overhwelmed by clothes.  People like to buy clothes for little girls.  The pinker, the better!  It's a fact.

I just learned to live with it and accept people's generosity for what it is.

Ha, well-- I figured as much.  I just thought the more time we could buy (esp for shower gifts), the better.

[LightForest]

Originally Posted by buko 

Originally Posted by Bena 

Not to burst you bubble, but...

I feel exactly the same way about clothes and pink frillyness.  With DD, we found out but didn't tell anyone (except for our parents and sibblings, who loved to be in on the secret.  We had several reasons not to share the info, but avoiding a pink overload was definitly one of them.

Well, I found out soon enough that the reality is, people are going to buy this stuff anyways!  We didn't get it before the birth, but as soon as she was born, we were overhwelmed by clothes.  People like to buy clothes for little girls.  The pinker, the better!  It's a fact.

I just learned to live with it and accept people's generosity for what it is.

Ha, well-- I figured as much.  I just thought the more time we could buy (esp for shower gifts), the better.

I definitely don't think it will hurt to buy that extra time (by not announcing the gender of the baby before the birth). While it does generally seem to be true that people will buy you whatever they want to buy you, pink frillies and all, I can honestly tell you that this didn't happen to me/my DD. For whatever reason, we haven't experienced a single case of blatantly stereotypical girly gift giving for our daughter from the people in her life. Don't ask me how we lucked out like this - I have no idea!

[babytoes]

I am a little confused. Please bear with me... 

Growing up, I had horses and I was out in the barn, manure, and dirt, dust, grime, constantly. I had to stack hay, and carry in 50 pound bags of grain, I loved being out in my barn. My father and brother built cars, there was always a vehicle project going on in my dads drive-in cellar. I also became very involved in cars. I bought my first car at 18, a 1986 Mustang GT 5.0. My father and I drove down below Boston (about a 4.5 hr ride) to buy it. A year later, I tore the engine out and completely rebuilt it, with help from my dad of course, but I did at least 70% of all the work. I love working on cars, and even up to this day, I have never brought a car to a mechanic, we (my father, brother and myself) can fix anything and I mean that literally. Engine, suspension, body work, we can fix it all. And I love it! I have a very unique bond with my father from working on cars with him, it's sort of our thing. 

But, I also love, love, love getting all dressed up, and being super girlie! I love wearing pink, I love doing my hair, and wearing pretty dresses. My parents never acted like getting greasy under a car was not the right place for a girl. But I do remember my mother sewing me pretty dresses and putting my hair up. I guess I am a little naive as to this whole gender neutral thing. Maybe its because I have a pile of boys and I am just dieing to shop on the other side of the aisle! I don't know. But don't girls naturally gravitate towards pink and frilly things? I know I did, and I was definitely a hard core tom boy. 

I am finding out the sex for numerous reasons. One being that I have nothing for this baby, and I want to buy things. Blue things, or, yes, pink things. I have wanted a girl forever, and if I have another boy, it is a wonderful blessing and I know exactly what I am doing with him, because I have BTDT!!   But... If I have a girl... Oh the pink and frill will be spilling out of my house (I told DP, if we have a girl, he will be carrying a pink diaper bag, haha!) For 20 years I have been doing the Dump truck, bugs, mud, slime, and super hero thing. I would love to buy some pink... Finally!

I can totally understand, and agree with, wanting a girl to be what she wants and do what she wants. And to not hold her to old traditional ways. But, I guess I am confused how pink clothing will do this, isn't that done from the parents? Aren't we responsible for raising them to be strong, confident, and independent women? 

Like I said, this is new territory for me, so bear with me. And do not think for one second I feel like anyone is doing the wrong, or a bad, thing by wanting gender neutral clothing. I am just a little confused, that's all...

Edited by babytoes - 8/21/12 at 8:32am

[LightForest]

Babytoes, you ask a big question with as many answers as there are mommies, I am sure 

My main thought for you is that the pink for girls/blue for boys thing is very much a recent invention, which came about largely to spur consumer spending. Of course, there have long been societally-driven ideas about how girls should act/look versus boys... And there's been a lot of "nature/nurture" type debate over how girls come to love princesses and ponies and how boys come to love sports and dump trucks.

I'm not sure if it's ok to link to an outside article here? If it's a problem I can remove it - this is a photoessay done by slate.com a couple of years ago on this very topic that I found interesting: Pink is for Battleships

My only real "opinion" on the topic would be that you can never assume that there's one single way for a person to be a girl or a boy. Being a girl doesn't have to mean buying into the Disney princess franchise, and indeed, girls around the world grow into amazing women without ever associating strongly with frilliness or the color pink. As a mom, my approach is just to try to keep a level head about the stuff. To take a step back from all the crazy gendered stuff in the toystores, and to take a step back from my own assumptions about what I think my daughter would enjoy playing with based on my own childhood preferences. The same goes for clothing and activities. It's so tricky, but in the end I do think that there's a lot to be gained from simplicity in the clothing, playthings, and experiences that I offer my kid(s).

[buko]

I should be clear: I am a high femme.  Or at least medium-high femme.  I wear loads of makeup, 5 inch heels, own only a couple pair of pants, etc.  I have no problem (well, basically no problem) with my child CHOOSING pink'n'frilly.  But not for an infant/young toddler-- and preferably no sports'n'puppies'n'blue, either.  (And my husband is a huge jock, and also on my side with this!) 

There is no way I'd agree that girls "just naturally" gravitate towards pink'n'frilly, because A) we should all know by now how strong social indoctrination is, and it starts by putting your non-verbal infant in pink'n'frilly and having people coo over how pretty her dress is (what's the association being built?), B) I know WAY too many women who can't stand pink'n'frilly and C) as alluded to by LightForest, pink'n'frilly is a cultural construct.  It used to be that pink was considered way too masculine for girls to wear because it's a variant of red.  Nothing "natural" about gravitating toward pink (etc.) at all.

Not knocking pink'n'frilly!  Like I said, I am super-girly (though I guess my flavor is a little more Barbie than babydoll).  And not knocking the uber-boy stuff.  But I'm just not interested.  I admit that I'm not prepared to "make a statement" (a perfectly fine statement, IMO, BTW) by also dressing an infant boy in pink'n'frilly or an infant girl in a tux.  (I WILL-- or at least plan to-- allow my verbal child to choose those things, though.) 

But bottom line, personally, I'd rather at least mute the utter deluge of hyper-gendered baby stuff.  And I could not possibly care less if people "mistake" my child for the "wrong" sex/gender.  Not to mention how Sisyphean a task that is anyway-- so many people will tell stories of how their girl in a pink eyelet dress and bow is called a "handsome boy."

But that really and truly is just me.  It's not a moral judgment on my part-- just not for my family.

[spughy]

I don't have any real objection to pink or gender-specific clothing except that so much of it is trite and boring - and pink is SO overdone.  My favourite outfit that I ever got for DD was an orange felt dress with big multicoloured polka dots around the hem.   I bought it in Europe though (a once-in-a-decade-or-so trip), where GOOD kids' clothes exist in plenty. (Like this t-shirt that I totally want for DD but I don't even want to KNOW what they would charge me for shipping...) Here, I find the only place that has kids' clothes I actually like is Hanna Andersson - but their stuff kind of made for kids with more Scandinavian builds, and the clothes frequently don't fit DD very well.

So I guess the REAL problem is I'm totally snobby and I just don't like North American clothing styles, LOL.

[babytoes]

I think I should be clear. When I say pink, I am meaning more the entire girl section of the store, not the actual color its self. Spughy, thanks for showing me a new website that I will become addicted too! What beautiful things they have! And I completely agree with you about American clothing. I buy a lot of childrens clothing from H&M, they have cute stuff for super cheap. But I love shopping on line boutiques...  

http://www.monpetitchild.com/

http://www.littlelunablue.com/

It's totally addicting, so beware! When I window shop around these websites, these are some perfect examples of things I would definitely buy if I had a girl like this dress and this coat, like holy cute Batman! and check out this.... So CUTE!!

Edited by babytoes - 8/22/12 at 7:01am

[cabbitdancer]

This is an issue that my DH and I have been waffling on from the moment we found out we were pregnant again. I'm diabetic, so there is no question that there are many, many, many ultrasounds in my future, so it could be hard not finding out. We didn't find out with my daughter (we emphatically DID NOT want to know) and the surprise and elation on her birthday is palpable even today, so we know that we would like a repeat of the experience, but part of me also really, desperately just wants to know, this time. There is also my daughter to consider. At five, she has made no secret of how badly she wants a sister. Would her disappointment be enough to ruin meeting a brother on the big day? To that end, we have toyed with the idea of having the tech whisper to her what the baby's gender is and she can tell us if/when she wants. (And before people start telling me about how five year olds can't keep secrets, this one can. We told her about the pregnancy fairly early on and she didn't tell anyone else until we said she could. My mom, on the other hand, even after I'd told her DO NOT, immediately started texting everyone in her contact list as soon as we were off the phone. XD )