Me Too

[Ninetales]

I had been planning a VBAC for my second, due next week.  But I had an ultrasound today that puts my baby at 14lbs.  I'm aware of the shortcomings of late term ultrasounds, but my first was nearly that large, and even now I can feel this one moving all the time and it feels very big.  Frankly, I'm also afraid of a vaginal with a baby so large.  If I go into labor before next Tuesday, or am favorable for induction at my Monday appointment I will try.

I'm working out a lot of things right now.  I dread the idea of the comments and jokes that I had from people after my daughter was born.  People mean well, but I don't feel like it's something that's funny or impressive.  I feel like a big freak and like I let my baby down, or at least that people think it was my fault.  I've done nothing to cause this but the guilt is unbelievable.  I may in fact lie about the birth weight afterward because I straight up hate talking about it in person because people just don't get it.  I get mad and jealous that women who couldn't care less how they birth their babies get to have lovely vaginal births with perfectly sized babies, when I care so much and it's starting to look like it will never happen for me.

And I'm scared of the surgery itself.  My section with my first was not planned, and by the time we got to that point, I was exhausted, doped up, and out of it.  I wasn't scared of an epidural - I was begging for it.  I hadn't eaten or slept in days and while my physical recovery was uneventful and easy, my mental recovery was long and difficult.  I didn't feel like a human being for probably six weeks.  I have a toddler at home - I can't go back to that place because she needs me.  And my new baby will need me.  How will I manage two babies and recovery from surgery?

Where can I get information about making this whole thing easier or at least somewhat more pleasant for myself?  My doctor is very much on board with as much contact (skin to skin, breastfeeding, etc) as possible, and is willing to let the cord pulsate for a bit longer than they normally do.  She's great, but is there anything else I should think about before going into this to try to make it feel more like a happy occasion?

[JoyFilled]

I feel for you.  I was right there with you with my second.  And I have huge babies too.  I had the hardest time with scheduling my cs at 10 days over due.  Mentally it was the hardest thing and I bawled.  I cried in the OBs office and he was supportive of a VBAC but really it didn't look any different then my DD's.

I would make sure the hospital is on board not just the doctor.  That the people in the room at the time of the c-section are on board with the skin to skin.  My OBS told me that he would try to get the baby in the recovery room with me and he did but the nurse said no.  

You may want to pick music for the OR if possible.  Or atleast think about what sort of frame of mind you would like to be in.  We were in the process of moving when I had my c-section.  We were in the L&D waiting for the IVs and stuff and calling to cancel our power utility.  In the OR I chatted casually with the anesthesiologist, and in the recovery I chatted with the nurse.  All of this was so far removed from bonding with my new born son.

I really had a huge disconnect with DS for the first several months but I think if I had changed some of these things it would have help.

You are on the right path here.  Try and google "family centered c section".

[Monkey Keeper]

Ninetales, I couldn't read and not post after being part of one of your earlier threads regarding when size would sway you. I send you peace and love as you make your final decision and welcome your baby. I have little advice regarding the hows of getting to a good place mentally--I will struggle with that as well should I end up in a similar situation.

What I will say is that you WILL be able to care for yourself, your DD and a new baby after a c/s. My unexpected c/s was when my DD1 was only 18 months old. It was challenging but do-able to care for all of us. You will more than manage, I am sure.

Many {{{HUGS}}} to you as you finish this amazing journey.

[myrakaplan]

Oh Dear Ninet ales! You have not let yor baby down! you did everything humanly possible to grow her safely and to protect her. Now you are freely chooseing to undergo surgery to insure her a safe passage into the real world.

you will be bale to hold her and nurse her and walk with her b/c the c/sec will protect your health. think of all those mothers who suffered from fistulas. you will be spared this complication.

[Ninetales]

You know, I've heard that term "fistula" before but I have no idea what it is.  I'm thinking I may not want to know!