I had been planning a VBAC for my second, due next week. But I had an ultrasound today that puts my baby at 14lbs. I'm aware of the shortcomings of late term ultrasounds, but my first was nearly that large, and even now I can feel this one moving all the time and it feels very big. Frankly, I'm also afraid of a vaginal with a baby so large. If I go into labor before next Tuesday, or am favorable for induction at my Monday appointment I will try.
I'm working out a lot of things right now. I dread the idea of the comments and jokes that I had from people after my daughter was born. People mean well, but I don't feel like it's something that's funny or impressive. I feel like a big freak and like I let my baby down, or at least that people think it was my fault. I've done nothing to cause this but the guilt is unbelievable. I may in fact lie about the birth weight afterward because I straight up hate talking about it in person because people just don't get it. I get mad and jealous that women who couldn't care less how they birth their babies get to have lovely vaginal births with perfectly sized babies, when I care so much and it's starting to look like it will never happen for me.
And I'm scared of the surgery itself. My section with my first was not planned, and by the time we got to that point, I was exhausted, doped up, and out of it. I wasn't scared of an epidural - I was begging for it. I hadn't eaten or slept in days and while my physical recovery was uneventful and easy, my mental recovery was long and difficult. I didn't feel like a human being for probably six weeks. I have a toddler at home - I can't go back to that place because she needs me. And my new baby will need me. How will I manage two babies and recovery from surgery?
Where can I get information about making this whole thing easier or at least somewhat more pleasant for myself? My doctor is very much on board with as much contact (skin to skin, breastfeeding, etc) as possible, and is willing to let the cord pulsate for a bit longer than they normally do. She's great, but is there anything else I should think about before going into this to try to make it feel more like a happy occasion?