Has anyone tried the S.T.E.P Parenting method / book / course?

[P.J.]

Not sure where this belongs. Some friends of ours with a similar age child (2 years old) recently did a STEP (Systematic Training for Effective Parenting) parenting course and are very satisfied with the results. I had a look at the book and its reviews on Amazon (here) but couldn't really tell exactly what type of program this is. It seems like they are anti-punishment, as am I, but other than that I couldn't tell much. I already have a huge parenting library and don't want to waste money if this book is no good, but yet I feel I need a little more support in parenting our toddler.

Anyone done this course / have this book and can give some feedback or a more detailed description of its general view of children and discipline?

Many thanks!

[lauren]

I haven't used it myself but have seen the book. I think it is pretty consequence oriented and not necessarily natural consequences. I prefer the Love and Logic series, the Nurtured Heart approach, and I love Laura Markham's blog.
 

[gcgirl]

I have not. I DID, however, recently get 1-2-3 Magic, which I haven't finished yet and only started using yesterday, but it is already working wonders. I didn't want to try it, instead preferring to go all Alfie Kohn/GD/Naomi Aldort on my kids, but that just wasn't working for ANY of us. If it ends with me pitching a fit and screaming at them, and all of us being crappy to each other, then it's not effective.

1-2-3 Magic has, so far, been VERY effective, and incredibly calming in our household.

[dkorovikov]

[deleted]

Edited by dkorovikov - 11/12/12 at 3:01pm

[gcgirl]

Originally Posted by dkorovikov 

So in that sense, firmer boundaries and structure isn't something that parents need to enforce much in very well-behaved homes, so you don't often see it there. That doesn't mean it's not effective-- only that they don't need it. If your child has lots of behavior problems, those techniques tend to work really well. Not for all children, but for enough to make those techniques the dominant component in so many parent-training programs. It may not seem like the most fun or what parents daydream and envision raising kids to be like, but I do believe it's the best way to help a lot of these kids (not all).

This is the fantasy I was buying into that turned out not to be our reality: that my children would learn from watching us and wanting to be like us, and therefore would eventually end up cleaning like us and behaving like us and being helpful because that's what we value. HA! Not so much. DS2 is like that to a point - I think if he were our only child, we wouldn't need to be using any "program" of discipline because the fantasy of child-rearing would be our reality. But DS1 is less influenced by what other people do and think, and thinks he should just be able to do whatever he wants if HE thinks it's a good idea (how like DH he is, lol - only without the adult brain to counteract his impulses). 

Some wise mom once told me that if you think you're not the parent you thought you'd be, it's because you didn't get the kid you thought you'd have. That's what happened to me! But having to rethink my parenting styles and having two such different kids has been forcing me to grow - for the better.

[dkorovikov]

[deleted]

Edited by dkorovikov - 11/12/12 at 2:56pm

[P.J.]

Thanks for he input, this has become an interesting conversation! I can totally relate. I still have ideals akin to the Unconditional Parenting / Naomi Aldort model....and at the same time realizing I need to find ways to be a more effective parent. I feel way too wishy-washy and I think the whole UP style of discipline works best when the parents are decisive and clear within themselves. I also agree that each child is different and mine is certainly more intense than many others I know. It's not even "misbehavior" or acting out necessarily -just needing good, clear and loving guidance more than I give it.

So, that's why I have been looking for some sort of course. I love Dr. Laura's site and have done an online course actually, but feel I need in-person guidance and not much is available where I am (Germany), so I wanted to maybe try this course (the STEP course) that our friends did.

[P.J.]

Thanks for he input, this has become an interesting conversation! I can totally relate. I still have ideals akin to the Unconditional Parenting / Naomi Aldort model....and at the same time realizing I need to find ways to be a more effective parent. I feel way too wishy-washy and I think the whole UP style of discipline works best when the parents are decisive and clear within themselves. I also agree that each child is different and mine is certainly more intense than many others I know. It's not even "misbehavior" or acting out necessarily -just needing good, clear and loving guidance more than I give it.

So, that's why I have been looking for some sort of course. I love Dr. Laura's site and have done an online course actually, but feel I need in-person guidance and not much is available where I am (Germany), so I wanted to maybe try this course (the STEP course) that our friends did.

[P.J.]

Gah! Sorry for the double post. I'm on my phone, I've never posted here from the phone and quite frankly this forum is not designed for phones, ack! Such a PIA to post mobile here...

[lauren]

Gcgirl, I can totally relate to your post. I think our kids help us learn things and I have learned so much (and continue to learn) from my kids about my own parenting and what makes me tick/triggers me, etc. They are all so different; one marches to a completely different drummer and has challenged me from day 1. I am still learning! I definitely turned out to be a different parent than I imagined.
 

[Triniity]

Hi PJ,

we are in Germany, too - and we are going to start a Thomas Gordon Parenting Effectiveness Training. I have two kids with ADHD - and one highly active baby *sigh* - and we did a parenting course for ADHD kids - which I hated, because it was very 1-2-3 magic - like. I stopped doing it. I discussed the problem with psychologists who train the PET - so a bit biased. But they agreed with my feeling that especially with high-need and active and strong willed children it is important to hear them out.

I do agree though, that with Alfie Kohn and Naomi Aldort one (at least me) did not get enough input and "real life" examples to actually live this way. I find it much better with the PET, because there are solutions and new ways of thinking that someone teaches you. I read all the material and started implementing it, and it DOES work. It is just so very different from the "old" ways of parenting, and I still  DO count to three - if I am not at a good place within myself - but if I remember and stay calm we are always able to work a solution out, and I really believe that this is a better way of parenting kids who are really strong willed.

I LoVE the book Discipline without Distress, I think it is the best "democratic parenting book" ever. It is full of tips how to solve situations. I did read Naomi Aldort, and I do like her approach, but I always had the feeling that my kids just don't behave like she says children do. My kids won't go to bed for example - ever. If I would just let them stay with us and decide on their own bedtime, they would stay up longer than their parents. . DWD is more concrete and helps a lot. As is everything from Thomas Gordon.

for me steps is to much into consequences

[P.J.]

Originally Posted by Triniity 

Hi PJ,

we are in Germany, too - and we are going to start a Thomas Gordon Parenting Effectiveness Training. I have two kids with ADHD - and one highly active baby *sigh* - and we did a parenting course for ADHD kids - which I hated, because it was very 1-2-3 magic - like. I stopped doing it. I discussed the problem with psychologists who train the PET - so a bit biased. But they agreed with my feeling that especially with high-need and active and strong willed children it is important to hear them out.

I do agree though, that with Alfie Kohn and Naomi Aldort one (at least me) did not get enough input and "real life" examples to actually live this way. I find it much better with the PET, because there are solutions and new ways of thinking that someone teaches you. I read all the material and started implementing it, and it DOES work. It is just so very different from the "old" ways of parenting, and I still  DO count to three - if I am not at a good place within myself - but if I remember and stay calm we are always able to work a solution out, and I really believe that this is a better way of parenting kids who are really strong willed.

I LoVE the book Discipline without Distress, I think it is the best "democratic parenting book" ever. It is full of tips how to solve situations. I did read Naomi Aldort, and I do like her approach, but I always had the feeling that my kids just don't behave like she says children do. My kids won't go to bed for example - ever. If I would just let them stay with us and decide on their own bedtime, they would stay up longer than their parents. . DWD is more concrete and helps a lot. As is everything from Thomas Gordon.

for me steps is to much into consequences

Hi, I am just seeing this now.

Can you tell me how to find the P.E.T. courses here in Germany? Is it called the same thing? Thanks!

[Triniity]

We went through this webside : http://www.gordonmodell.de/ , I got the training books from them and they gave me the contact details for trainers. They liestened to our story and advised who I should contact. 

And now we are doing a one-to-one kind of course, he usually does groups, but we have to travel around 50 km and so we just meet once a month. Which is a good thing. 

Hope that helps!