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Does the longing for "just one more" ever really go away?? - Page 2

post #21 of 45

We'll see.  I always wanted a large family (like 6 kids) but thought all during my pregnancy with DS1 that I would have one more and then be DONE (it was a miserable pregnancy and he was a miserable baby/toddler/etc).  Nearly as soon as he was born though I wanted one more (might have had something to do with the fact that DH was saying he was done).  All through my pregnancy with DS2 I was thinking I was done.  As soon as he was born I knew I wanted one more (might have had a lot to do with the fact that I wanted another girl).  Right now I am 13 weeks pregnant with #4 and I feel very, very done.  I really have no desire to ever go through morning sickness again.  The thought of dealing again with months of serious sleep deprivation and then nursing for a long time on a very restricted diet due to nursling food intolerances as I have done every time is...frightening to say the least.  I suspect that if this baby is a boy I will still want another...but I do not see being able to cope with another child.  I don't know how I'll cope with this one.  As a PP said, my boys are VERY children, especially DS1.  I call him my extreme child.  They're exhausting in every way.  At this point I am at peace with DH getting a V which I never have been before (in fact at this point I'll really be pushing for it), but we'll see how I feel after baby is born.  I think I will be perfectly content with my four if this one is a girl.
 

post #22 of 45

It's never going away for me but that has a lot to do with it not being my choice. It's a miracle I even have dd given our fertility issues. She's an absolutely amazing kid and it makes me long for another child so badly but after ten years of ttc I'm finally slowly trying to accept that it's over for us. 

I think this is like everything else in life .. it's very individual. I know women in real life on both sides of this. A few that could keep having more like the Duggars and a few that are so done the thought of another is terrifying for them.

Maybe something that helps is that when the kids get older it does get harder to imagine going through babyhood again. I still dream of it but now that dd is kindy age there is a slight hesitation I didn't have before. I wonder if I really want to go through crying and tantrums and potty training again. 

post #23 of 45

I am still longing for a fourth baby, although I am not in a nice place at the moment and my DH thinks I am totally mad. But I always dreamed of four children. And this is while I am not that much into birth and I don't especially like the newborn time. But I love children. 

 

than - two ADHD and one high-need baby. I think  the odds for finally a little calm one are not that high ... still... I am not totally done ...

post #24 of 45
Not for me. I only have two and because DH and I couldn't agree on the circ issue, we decided not to try for a third. By the time DH agreed to NOT circ, I felt it was too late and I was not in the same place. But I still long for another baby, almost every day.
post #25 of 45
Yes, it does. Or did for me. I have 3, ages 6 , 4 & 4. After my twins were born I knew we were done, and I was sad about that. Totally overwhelmed with parenting but so sad at each step--this is the last time I'll be pregnant, the last time baby takes their first step, says "mama" for the first time, and so on.

I did mourn it. But by the time my little ones were 3 and out of diapers, life really started getting easier for me. I could go out at night with friends more, spend more time on doing the things I loved before becoming a parent. I'm starting to feel like I'm a person who happens to be a parent, instead of a parent who is allegedly also a person. Maybe that description is a little harsh, but when my kids were babies and toddlers that was my whole life and it was very hard to do anything for me. Now that I'm starting to come out of that I'm feeling better, more like myself, and I no longer have the slightest jealousy about pregnant women and babies. I didn't think I'd get there but it does feel good!
post #26 of 45

For me it did. 

 

After our first 2, dh was happy to be done, but I was still feeling like there was one more baby that needed to be born from me. Even though I was enjoying a lot of freedom once our second was out of babyhood and I started to think that maybe yeah, I might be ok with being done after 2, we hummed and hawed a little too long about a permanent approach to birth control and BAM- preggo with #3. I never had more mixed emotions in my life. I was so totally freaked out about how am I going to manage THREE children and how are the older 2 going to feel about getting less of me, my DH basically said get over it, you love babies, you know you're going to be happy about this so you might as well start being happy now LOL. He was right, our family is now complete. I am totally done, my three are a handful and a half but my life is full and I can't imagine it any other way. I don't even gush about babies at this point, I look at pregnant moms or new moms and think 'wow she must be tired'. I love pregnancy though, and childbirth and babies, and I totally adore the three I have, I just don't want any more KIDS.

post #27 of 45

i had only one, now i am in menopause but i still mourn the other children i did not have. 

 

i had a fantastic pregnancy, i loved my baby inspite of the challenges. 

 

i still feel the tinge sometimes. 

post #28 of 45
Thread Starter 

Thank you all so much for your thoughts and input. It is really making me feel better about all of this to hear how different women cope with the feeling.

I think for me it's boiling down to what my DH really wants/needs. He is such a wonderful, wonderful father and partner to me. I feel like pushing the envelope when everything is going so well is a mistake. Having kids is awesome, totally, but we all know how challenging it can be. Right now, when things get really tough, I have a super happy and committed partner by my side, helping me to cope and push through with as much grace as possible. If I strong arm this man into another...am I going to trade in my happy partner for a really resentful one on those super tough days? I feel like the answer is yes.


I had a vision that really knocked me off my feet. I was in that half awake, half asleep place, laying in bed...and I had the most wonderful images flashing in my mind. Images of my children (a few years older, so, like, 7 5.5 and 3) dancing around in our woods and hugging and laughing and running. They were so happy. I saw my husband and me hugging and laughing, so happy. Then a kind, but very stern, voice started saying "Be at peace with the children you have. Do not have more. You will not have the happiness, abundance and peace in these visions before you if you have another baby".

 

Now, I'm not really a "sky-god" believer, but I'm deeply spiritual and believe in listening to my inner voice. But I'm really good at listening to my inner voice and, so, my inner voice has never had to disguise itself as anything else. So it's completely weird to me and kind of shook me to experience such a real, intense and ominous vision. I'm trying to focus on the wonderful images I saw, how happy and strong my family looked...instead of on the words that were spoken to me...but they come as a package deal I guess.

Some people have told me that they think the vision was(some version of) God speaking to me. Some people have told me they think it's my inner voice, trying to tell me what I know is true deep down inside. Some people have said they would ignore it, because it's just me trying to convince myself that I need to be done "or else" so that I have an excuse to pin my feelings of resentment on since I cannot really fault my husband for wanting to be done after giving me three beautiful children and being such a great dad to them all.

I don't know what to feel about it, but I cannot stress how "real" this was. I've never heard a voice that sounded like this one...it was just so calming and peaceful. I rose from bed, after the vision, absolutely overwhelmed with emotions and totally totally convinced that another child is NOT going to happen. As I get further and further from that vision and forget that feeling I had...doubt about the vision creeps in.

I don't know. Maybe that just sounds crazy. I think maybe I feel guilty for not being able tp put this feeling to bed...I feel shame, like I'm not honoring the amazing blessings in my life because I'm selfishly focusing on "more more more" instead of appreciating what I have. I don't know. This is such an emotionally charged issue.


Is it better to stop while one spouse has what he considers to be "enough" and the other is busy as hell, but would like more?

My heart is full, my house is FULL, my hands are full...my schedule and brain are full...the only thing that is not full is my bank account (haha). If I know I'm never going to stop wanting more...well then I have to base my decision to stop on those other things...time, space, money, etc...right? And if I had to base the decision on those things alone, I really should be done now. The hurt of being done after "one more" is not going to be any less horrible than the loss and sadness I'm feeling now, right? So, maybe, deal with it now and just cope and look toward the future?


For those of you who care to answer: What would you make of a vision like that?
 

post #29 of 45

If I had had that vision, I would seriously think on it.  Your emotions surrounding the vision or dream seem like they were really strong.  So whether you believe it was a vision from god or your subconscious, it was definitely something more than just a normal dream, ya' know? 

post #30 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow View Post

If I had had that vision, I would seriously think on it.  Your emotions surrounding the vision or dream seem like they were really strong.  So whether you believe it was a vision from god or your subconscious, it was definitely something more than just a normal dream, ya' know? 

 

 

Yeah, this is kind of what I'm thinking. It almost feels like my brain/logic center has been trying to tell me that moving on to the next phase of life would be the smartest thing to do...but my heart is like "no, no, come on...ONE more!!" and so my brain is like "okay, if you won't listen to the normal inner voice, maybe we'll scare you with a little 'vision from God' channel!" You know?

I NEVER blatantly disregard anything my inner voice tries to tell me...and everything in me is telling me not to disregard this message I've been given...everything, that is, except for my hearts burning desire to have another baby! But it's not like I have ONE kid and my husband is refusing me any more. It's not like I'm one of the women who tried and tried and could only manage two babies because of fertility issues...or like I have had terrible birth trauma or something else like that keeping me from trying again. It's just life stuff.  I feel like I don't have a right to feel so badly about it or make it such a big deal. I've had three pretty perfect pregnancies, three completely perfect HBs (though, DD2's 15 minute birth was kind of traumatic!) and now have three really, really healthy, glowing babies. I almost feel shame for feeling that I even deserve more than that.

post #31 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by BroodyWoodsgal View Post

 

 

Yeah, this is kind of what I'm thinking. It almost feels like my brain/logic center has been trying to tell me that moving on to the next phase of life would be the smartest thing to do...but my heart is like "no, no, come on...ONE more!!" and so my brain is like "okay, if you won't listen to the normal inner voice, maybe we'll scare you with a little 'vision from God' channel!" You know?

I NEVER blatantly disregard anything my inner voice tries to tell me...and everything in me is telling me not to disregard this message I've been given...everything, that is, except for my hearts burning desire to have another baby! But it's not like I have ONE kid and my husband is refusing me any more. It's not like I'm one of the women who tried and tried and could only manage two babies because of fertility issues...or like I have had terrible birth trauma or something else like that keeping me from trying again. It's just life stuff.  I feel like I don't have a right to feel so badly about it or make it such a big deal. I've had three pretty perfect pregnancies, three completely perfect HBs (though, DD2's 15 minute birth was kind of traumatic!) and now have three really, really healthy, glowing babies. I almost feel shame for feeling that I even deserve more than that.

hug2.gif I totally remember that feeling!  In my case, having one more would have increased my risk of having another bleed in my brain, and yet, I totally craved, against all logic, just one more! 

post #32 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by QueenOfTheMeadow View Post

hug2.gif I totally remember that feeling!  In my case, having one more would have increased my risk of having another bleed in my brain, and yet, I totally craved, against all logic, just one more! 

 

 

Geez lady!! That sounds so serious!! I'm so sorry you were faced with that level of intensity around deciding whether or not to try for more. That must be so difficult. hug2.gif

Thank you so much for posting...ALL OF YOU...it helps so much to type it out and have other people give feedback! New perspective helps one to achieve clarity, for sure, and in this case, it has helped me tremendously. Thank you thank you. I seriously feel so much better. Like it's normal, you know?

post #33 of 45

If I had a vision like that then I would try to accept it as what my subconscious was telling me was best.  That's a pretty powerful vision.

 

After DS2 (my 4th) was born, I was done.  I felt content, and didn't feel the pull to have any more babies.  I didn't feel like anyone was missing, I felt like our family was complete.

 

Then, last fall, I became pregnant unexpectedly (while using birth control) and had an early loss.  It totally rocked my world, and the peace I had felt was gone.  Then in January another pregnancy, followed by another loss in February.  I no longer felt like our family was complete, though I don't know if I was just reacting emotionally to the losses.  I just felt like somebody was missing.  I'm now pregnant again, expecting #5 in January.  I don't know if that feeling of completion will come back after this baby is born or not.  DH just thinks that I will go broody every 1.5-2 years no matter what.

post #34 of 45

you know i am curious what life has in store for you. that vision i would hardly call logic ya know. 

 

but you have both sides living in you. would life hand you a 4th? perhaps in some other way. i am curious what happens in the next couple of years or so.

 

coz after a vision like that and the aftereffects you'd expect your heart to comply. 

 

but it hasnt. that makes me curious. 

 

perhaps you have some baby adventure ahead of you at some time :) possibly in ways now unimaginable. 

post #35 of 45

For me it went away after my second was born. Of course, I always knew I only wanted 2 children. They're 10 and 8 years old now, so there isn't a chance I'd consider having another at this point. I'm working on a couple master's degrees and ready to get my career started!
 

post #36 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by broodymama View Post

If I had a vision like that then I would try to accept it as what my subconscious was telling me was best.  That's a pretty powerful vision.

 

After DS2 (my 4th) was born, I was done.  I felt content, and didn't feel the pull to have any more babies.  I didn't feel like anyone was missing, I felt like our family was complete.

 

Then, last fall, I became pregnant unexpectedly (while using birth control) and had an early loss.  It totally rocked my world, and the peace I had felt was gone.  Then in January another pregnancy, followed by another loss in February.  I no longer felt like our family was complete, though I don't know if I was just reacting emotionally to the losses.  I just felt like somebody was missing.  I'm now pregnant again, expecting #5 in January.  I don't know if that feeling of completion will come back after this baby is born or not.  DH just thinks that I will go broody every 1.5-2 years no matter what.


@bolded: Hahah why do you think my screen name is what it is?? I'm a broody chick...stubborn as a broody hen, too! I just want BABIES!

 

See that's the thing...I DO feel that someone is missing. I list all my children and feel like someone is missing. I even find myself saying in my head "Oh my god, where is...." but all my kids are there, in the room with me...and though I feel like someone is lost, I can't say the name. I don't know the name yet. I think it is a boy...I SWEAR it feels so real...maybe it's not.

post #37 of 45
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post

you know i am curious what life has in store for you. that vision i would hardly call logic ya know. 

 

but you have both sides living in you. would life hand you a 4th? perhaps in some other way. i am curious what happens in the next couple of years or so.

 

coz after a vision like that and the aftereffects you'd expect your heart to comply. 

 

but it hasnt. that makes me curious. 

 

perhaps you have some baby adventure ahead of you at some time :) possibly in ways now unimaginable. 

 

 

I am also curious. Life is so great in the way it unfolds in front of us. We cannot fathom the reality we will be living in in the future..but then, it always comes and envelopes us and it's only in moments of real clarity that we can fully comprehend the awesomeness of the present moment, of what life has delivered us to that we could never have imagined was coming. If you had told me exactly 4.5 years ago that in this moment I would be sitting in my home, on my little homestead with three kids ages four and under...I would have fallen straight over onto the ground! I never could have imagined this life into being...it just becomes, one step at a time, what it is going to be. I know the future is coming...but that's all I know about it. It will come and it will bring things to me that I cannot see now. That's really exciting! When I focus on that feeling, it doesn't feel sad to me to consider not having another.

post #38 of 45
Quote:
Originally Posted by BroodyWoodsgal View Post

@bolded: Hahah why do you think my screen name is what it is?? I'm a broody chick...stubborn as a broody hen, too! I just want BABIES!

 

See that's the thing...I DO feel that someone is missing. I list all my children and feel like someone is missing. I even find myself saying in my head "Oh my god, where is...." but all my kids are there, in the room with me...and though I feel like someone is lost, I can't say the name. I don't know the name yet. I think it is a boy...I SWEAR it feels so real...maybe it's not.

LOL, that's why I changed to this screen name too!  It's not just my chickens, it's me.  winky.gif

 

OK, if you feel like someone is missing, then I would think there probably is.  We had only "planned" on having two, but here we are.  I felt that missing child feeling very strongly between my losses and getting pregnant with this one.  

 

Of course, I did mention to DH a couple weeks ago that the kids pair off so nicely with the even numbers so 6 might be good.  He just looked at me like bigeyes.gif and said "we're not even done with number FIVE yet!"  shy.gif

post #39 of 45

I really don't know what to make of your "vision." My first reaction is to listen to it, that's your conscience/inner voice talking. But it could also be your decision-making mechanism testing you to see how upset you are by what you saw. Are you devastated that your voice told you not to have more kids? Do you feel comfortable with that? I think that, as unsettling as such a vivid vision can be, you have to let it sit with you for awhile to see what it really was about.

 

Of course, I've been hoping for something like that to happen to me, b/c I think I must be crazy for thinking about adding a third when our second just got here and there are days when I have a hard time being patient with just one. So, take grain(s) of salt as needed. ;-)
 

post #40 of 45

You know, when my kids got to the age when they were able to wipe their own bottoms, buckle their own seat belts, fix their own snacks and wait for more than 5 minutes for me to finish, that longing went away. I'm reveling in having competent kids who can talk intelligently about things like politics and world events.

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