Scared this could get worse (LONG)

[GoodWillHunter]

Since I had Adam (March 30th of this year...not too long) I've been really down. At first, I thought it was the baby blues, but this is not subsiding. If anything, it's getting worse. Here's what's going on:

I'm afraid something could happen to my children and DH and I couldn't get there quickly enough to prevent and/or stop it.

I'm afraid that I can't keep up with my life. I'm in school and finals are coming up. I need to take two make up exams to get caught up. I have four older children who need me. My two year old looks at me only to nurse and he's nursing like a newborn (which I expected, but, nonetheless, still is rather shocking). My 8 year old needs me to help him finish his scouting materials so he gets promoted with the rest of his den... My daughter has pinkeye, so she's not here right now and her twin brother is asking for her non stop... Poor little guy! My DH is going back to work on Monday and I am petrified of how in God's name I'm going to keep up with everything.

I had a c-section and the incision area burns like hell when I sneeze, cough, laugh, otherwise. I was told to take it easy, but my life goes on around me and I just can't jump off at the next stop, KWIM? I also had a tubal ligation, which is totally depressing me. Even though I have five children, the idea of not ever being able to have another ever ever ever again is just sinking in and I can't stop crying about it. My DH is totally supportive and points out that perhaps I need to mourn this loss as I would the loss of a human being. Maybe he's right. I'm just not sure when I can "fit it in".

So many people that I talk to seem to think that I am a superwoman. Yes, I go to school at night. Yes, I have five children, four of which are under four. Yes, I did work on weekends up untill I delivered my son. No, I probably won't be going back to work any time soon. My point? I guess my point is that I have set some very very high goals for myself and my family and I'm afraid something will have to give.

My instructors at school are completely wonderful and will work with me. My only problem is that I will not be satisfied with just a "B". It has to be an "A". Why? Well, I guess I'm out to prove something to my family of origin. I've never felt good enough, so I pile it higher and deeper and come out looking stellar...then I get the "Well, why didn't you make the dean's list when you were younger?" I never have an answer to that inane question. I often say, "Well, at that time, I didn't have a job, and five kids to raise and a house to manage....I also didn't have the loving support from my darling husband, either..." Of course, that's catty and combative, but, well, I'm often that way with my family.

So, where am I going with this post? I have no clue. I feel invisible. I just want it to stop so I can go on with being what I love... A mama. A wife. A future nurse. Maybe someone has found my kryptonite after all....

[lilmiss'mama]

s Goodness. I don't even know what to say exactly, but you are not invisible. I know you are loved on this board. There are many people here who care about you.
You sound totally overwhelmed, and with good reason. You seem like an amazing person and you would still be an amazing person, if something did have to give (like you mentioned in your OP). You are lucky to have a supportive dh. It sounds like you may not get along with your side of the family well, but what about dh's? Do they live close, could they help out? Maybe take the older kids for a bit or help your oldest ds with his scouts?
My sister is the same way with her grades, ever since she was a child it had to be an A. It didn't do any good to help her to chill out, b/c for whatever reason she couldn't it is just the way she is. It sounds like you just need some time to yourself or time to just connect with your new baby. Your body needs time to heal from your section. Is there anyone that can watch the kids for you?! If you need to talk to someone i.e. counselor, try and set the $$ aside to do it; it is worth it if will help you function.

[GoodWillHunter]

I do get along well with both parts of our family, but I still feel invisible... Or as an invalid. Either way, I feel relegated to the couch, the bed, or whatever.... My mom takes my oldest to her house on Wednesdays and she will be helping DS1 do his scouting items. Next Friday will be glorious as my MIL and FIL are coming and getting the three middle children (the twins and my two year old nursling...) and keeping them all weekend. I'm sooo looking forward to some time with just DH, me and the new baby so we can connect. I guess I'm just afraid of next week and everything it will entail. Exams, getting kiddos off to school dressed appropriately and with appropriate stuff in backpacks!! Thanks for your post. It's nice to know that people care...

[plum]

can i tell you something? i think you're amazing! i mean, i totally respect your accomplishments, but more than that you seem like such a loving mama! it's totally understandable why you are overwhelmed and it's good you notice it now before it gets worse. it's a lot to take in and deal with.

sometimes things do slip and maybe you'll have to let your kids go to school in, i don't know, sweatpants and forgotten homework but you know what? it's not the worst thing that could happen. take things one day at a time and don't hold it in. and what if you do get a B? it doesn't reflect badly on you. after all, a B is still above average. again, it's not the worst thing that could happen.

[lilmiss'mama]

That is great that you will have time with dh soon. Maybe that is all you need; just time for the 3 (you, dh, and new baby) of you to have some time together.

[gilnikche]

Lisa,

I will be straightforward here. You are attempting to do way too much. Your only job should be taking care of baby and yourself. Have you had a c-section before? You will not heal properly if you do not take it easy.

Please sit down and make a list of what needs to be done. Include the routine stuff. Then you & your hubby need to figure out how to get support for these tasks. For example...

-Get a mother's helper to come by every afternoon to help with the older kids.

-Your hubby can lay out clothes & school stuff for kids the night before.

-Has anyone been bringing in food?

-Do you have any friends that can come by to listen to your feelings? You know; just let you get it out. I do not think a man can truly understand this.

-Last of all remember; here is analogy that I constantly have to repeat to myself... (think of being on an airplane)

Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First!

You have to put yourself first before you can help others.

I found an excellent article on getting the support you need:

http://www.postpartum.net/buildingsupport1.htm

[SpiralChrissy]

Lisa-
I agree that you're doing way too much ! I do think it's time to ask for some serious help from your family, his family, friends, etc. You've got so much on your plate!! I think you're amazing to even try to do everything you're doing. And I totally understand about having something to prove to family, but it's taking such a toll on you! I was really driven in school too but I can tell you right now I have no idea what grades I got in specific classes. At the time, I was so upset with less than the perfect A. Now, I do wish I'd slowed down and enjoyed myself more. It wasn't worth all the pressure! I think you're great and amazing. I just think you need time for yourself too. Give yourself the gift of some time and space. You deserve it. You did just have a baby!!
Be careful with your incision. Mine got infected and I had to take extra drugs.
Be gentle with yourself. Put those feet up, would ya??
Chrissy

[GoodWillHunter]

Carla, this is my third c-section. With my first, I had to go to the NICU very day to see and be with my twins... My second, my babymoon was much more normal. No NICU, private room at hospital, great time at home afterwards. This c-section, though, I had to go to the NICU every day to see my baby and, when he was finally released, all of my kids were home.

This afternoon, I'm taking some time to really assess where I am in my studies...at least in abnormal psychology... isn't that ironic? I feel confident I can do well in that class, but, algebra, even though I've been through all the material before and did well, that was over ten years ago and the cobwebs are still in my brain. I may end up taking an incomplete in that course, as it is very difficult for me to keep up if I'm not there...

I tried to tell my mother how I felt today, and, while she seemed somewhat sympathetic, she said she couldn't control how I reacted to situations. How can you explain that, sometimes, your heart gets in the way of your head?

[layla]

(((hugs)))) for you, mama!

[GoodWillHunter]

An update:

Today, when I woke up, I just couldn't stop crying... When DH got ready for work, the sounds were like nails in my coffin... sorry to use that phrase, but, at the time, that's how I felt. I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. He had to go to work, so I called my mom who kindly came over with an action plan.

She said:

1. Call your doctor. Do not let this go any farther.
2. Let's look at your bank account and sort it out. We will give you the money you need to get back on track (I had asked DH to take over the finances while I was "out" and, well, he didn't ).
3. Call your algebra professor and explain the situation and see if you can an incomplete (this will allow me to finish later on).
4. Let's get your house neat and clean.

I appreciate what she did and that certainly did help...

I went to my doctor and he increased the dosage of my antidepressant and then he told me he wanted me to call him at any time if it started getting worse.

I'm looking forward to feeling better and not feeling so... flat.

[SpiralChrissy]

Hurray for you! Way to take good care of yourself!
Glad you mama could help. Hang in there. You can do this!!
Chrissy

[lilmiss'mama]

I am so glad your mom is there to help you. It means so much to have family support. You are a strong courageous woman to ask for help.

[plum]

good for you for asking for help!

stay strong, mama.

[layla]

That was really great of your mom and we're so glad that you are taking control. That's a really hard thing to do when you're feeling so down.

[Foobar]

YEA for your mom!

You are doing too much. You can take a step back and do for you. I hope you can take help from others and get yourself back on track. It might take a few months, but you can get there.


Sending you hugs....

[GoodWillHunter]

The increase in the dosage has worked well. I took my abnormal psych test and got a B... I'm so close to an A I can taste it. I had all five kids home with me today with no help... I made it!!! I'm still on alert though... Sometimes, I just feel flat... Not invisible anymore but just blah... Thank you all for your kind words...

[lilmiss'mama]

Congratulations on your test!
I am glad to hear you are doing better. Sometimes it just takes awhile for the meds. to kick in.

[GoodWillHunter]

Thanks!!! Now, I just have to take my Algebra test I missed (that's tomorrow) and I'll be all caught up!

[oatmeal]

s

It sounds hard GWH... You are too hard on yourself though, girl, really. You have five kids girl... c'mon! Give yourself a break.

I had another friend , a guy I dated actually, with clinical depression -taking the meds etc. I hear a very common thread between the two of you, the way you talk.

Worry.

Worry is a common denominator here.

Truly truly love, you can't change anything with worry, girl. So many of the things you talk about are maybes, you know?

Also, he too had to be perect in everything - he got so down when he talked about not having won an Academy Award thoguh he had produced 20 films - it still wasn't good enough.

I can't imagine having 5 kids, the c-section and everything else. Life is as long as life is short.

If it's making you want to die give school or whatever else a break.

You deserve the time with your new babe, time to rest if you can.

I remember the hardest thing to do when I had dd was to take the yoga teacher's advice of sleepingevery time she slept - to keep from losing it.

Not much more to say, except I hope you feel better soon. I am glad you have a mom near.

s

[Foobar]

I understand how you feel about classes. I am just as bad about them.

Congrats on your test scores. I am glad the increase in dosage is helping.
Promise us that after tests, you will take some time to yourself?