Why can't people remeber???

[LLQ1011]

Sunday would have been our sons second brthday. We had a very public loss. Our family came to the hospital. Every year we do things special on his birthday. Its all over my facebook.

My family remebers fine. Some give us space on these days and others give us their sympathies...

But my Partners family never remembers. Which is not a big deal until they all of a sudden start bombarding me with stupid trivial things all effing day. Stupid emails, phone calls abotu dentist appointments. His mothers birthday is in the same week but she can't remember. She has told me over and over she would like to be more involved and talk about the babies we lost.

What really irks me is that she starts posting about my sons 8 moth birthday in a two days. STFU! You remember that so easily but not this? I feel like even though my kids are gone this stuff is important to me. I have made it clear and my family is amazing. But his Aunt calls me over and over that day. I finally call her back thinking she wants to talk about my son whos gone. But no shes NEEDS to know about a denstist appointment I had a few weeks ago...

I want my son to know about them. I want him to know that they saved his life. And if not for them I would not have been able to get the care I needed to have him. I want him to know their birthdays and know how much they still mean to our family. I want to celebrate their birthdays the rest of our lives. I feel like these first ones are so important.

I guess I am just hurt. Just because we have a live baby now does not mean the other ones are gone. We have amazing birthdays for them and I warms my heart to do such wonderful things with my family that day. Until I get effing emails about a photo she found in an album where she looks young. Then every response forwarded to me that people send her about how good she looks.

She just rubs me the wrong way anyway. Am I being silly?

[mary3mama]

I believe that if others remember these things it just hurts too much to deal with.

This June marked the 10 year anniversary of our loss. My second pg ended quite abruptly at 21 weeks. All the grandparents were at the hospital and got to see our little son and got to hold him. Seeing how deeply they were affected as they held him it is hard for me to reconcile the fact that they never, ever mention him. Ever. 

And yet being 10 years away from those horrible days has led to a good deal of peace and serenity about it. I miss him. I will always love this little boy I never got to know.

13 months after this loss we welcomed another baby into the family. The same grandparents were at the same hospital to meet this son -- this time without the grief, sorrow and pain. This time it was all joy.

That baby just turned 9 a few weeks ago.

It is WAY easier to focus on the living, happy, bouncy 9yo they celebrate birthdays with than to think about the baby they never got to know. 

We have a small 'box' on our mantle that hold our baby's ashes. The children know what this is. They sometimes ask about their brother. We talk about him on the anniversary of the day he was delivered. We have planted trees in his memory. 

As long as within our small family unit he is included, that is enough for me now. 

peace and healing to you...

[Adaline'sMama]

I'm so sorry.

[eabbmom]

I am sorry that the other side of your family forgets.... I haven't lost a child but I did lose my mom. I don't grieve as much as I used to on the day I lost her or her birthday but when I did I made it clear to people (my staff, my partner, my friends) that I was grieving more heavily than usual and needed support. So that you don't keep getting your feelings hurt it may help to speak up about what's going on. I think it is so special you celebrate all of your children.

[McGucks]

My brother died when I was a teenager and he was 12.  In addition to that, we easily lost half our friends after he died.  We even had an across-the-street neighbor who was my age who literally never spoke to me again--nor did her mother.  I lost many of my babysitting clients.  Looking back, I now know people were just uncomfortable and didn't know what to say.  It sure did compound the pain and terrible feelings.

I am so sorry for your loss.  There is no greater loss than a child, and forgiving people for their ignorance or lack of sympathy/empathy is a mighty task.

I love the planting of trees in memory.  I planted one with a lock of my brother's hair under it.

It hurts my heart that my husband never asks a question about him or is aware of the calendar date.  Of course, he's never too sure about his own birthday, either.  Guess it's one of those things about walking a mile in somebody else's shoes?  Or a guy thing?  Who knows.  I know it doesn't come from a bad place in him, so that helps a bit.  Sometimes.

My mom, by the way, had my brother's room rented out within a week.  I guess that was her way of dealing with it, but it sure didn't help me in my healing.

Love to you. 

[Alphaghetti]

I've said it once, and I'll say it again. If you've never had to deal with such heartbreak, you just can't understand it.

I'm so sorry. What are your sons' names? I will light a candle for both of them.

[HappyHappyMommy]

LLQ1011, I'm sorry for the losses of your sons. And I'm sorry that some of people in your life don't remember. I don't think you are being silly and I am sending support your way.

I have not lost a child, but I have lost people that I love and I choose to celebrate their birthdays and remember the days that they passed. As I read your post, I was picturing the family celebrations that you have for your sons' birthdays and they sound wonderful.

One thing that has helped me is that if there's an important day or time to me and I want to be able to focus on that, I take a day/time off from email, phone calls, etc. If people ask later why I didn't respond when they called/emailed/etc. (and they know the reason the day/time is special to me), I would tell them (probably in one sentence) why I was not available. (e.g. "I was busy on Sunday celebrating my sons' birthdays.) Otherwise, I would just say "I was busy with my family when you called/emailed/etc." Find what works for you; what I suggested may not be it, but hearing different suggestions from people might be a way to find what feels like the right way for you to handle it. You can't change them, make them remember, make them acknowledge, but you can choose how you respond to them.

Take care Mama. And, echoing a previous poster, if you'd like to share your sons' names, please do.

[LLQ1011]

McGucks I am so sorry. That sounds hard. When is your brothers birthday? I just can't understand peoples was of dealing with this stuff sometimes. I often think about making a memorial site where I can share my stories (though not many) about my losses. But also people can make their own memorial pages.

Alphaghetti I agree, people jsut don't understand. I didn't understand until it happened to me. I mean I knew that it happened to people and that it was sad but I just had no grasp of what it really meant. I always wonder if i have offended someone and not known it in the past.

You are all right. Thank you. I agree i just need to stay away from calls and technology on those days. My partner and me and our son is definitaly enough and I am so lucky to have both of them to spend these days with me.

We lost a daughter then a son and now have an 8 month old.

Our daughters name is Lily Joy and our 1st sons name is Logan Rush and our second son (the 8 month old) His name is Quintin Leland.

Both were from preprom and preterm labor at 18 weeks.

Thank you ladies foor your support  I feel better<3<3<3

[LexiDrewMama]

I am so sorry for your losses!  I think people get so uncomfortable it is just easier for them not to mention it or pretend it never happened.  My son who passed was born in Sept. of 2006 and every Sept. I spend the whole month with that big ball of dread in my belly knowing his birthday is coming up and no one will truly understand.  

[LLQ1011]

It seems so weird how people avoid it.

Im sorry for your loss lexidrewmama. its its so tough. I wish I new more angel mommas in my area. We could celebrate together!

[Mama505]

I agree with Alphaghetti.  And then even if you do understand, everyone deals with grief differently.  Some people don't want to remember or bring attention to the day of loss or a missed birthday.  Let people know what you want.  Have a ceremony or celebration if need be.  Or maybe (like another person posted) a stated day of quiet, away from phones and computers.  But let everyone know why.  Don't be shy, and maybe they wont be either. 

We recently lost our son (due in Oct).  I found this on Mothering (not this article, but her blog link):

http://lauragraceweldon.com/2012/06/12/mother-child-are-linked-at-the-cellular-level/

For whatever reason this made me smile, and I think cry.  But it also helped me to realize that I don't have to heal in the way I previously thought.  The way that I have tried to "heal" from every other loss I have experienced.  This is, quite literally, with me forever!  THIS IS MY LIFE: these losses (along with countless celebrations, explorations, journeys, bumps, bruises, loves, etc) make up a part of me.  I can grieve whenever the mood strikes me!  I can cry whenever I need for whatever I need, just as I may laugh.  It is part of my personal growth and being.  I think it is easier to see that in others now as well.  And it is definitely easier for me to say:  I need this or that. 

Good luck Mama!  I hope you get what you need!

[HappyHappyMommy]

LLQ1011, thank you for sharing your children's beautiful names. I will keep Lily Joy and Logan Rush in my memory. My support to you, your DP, and Quintin Leland. I wish you peace and that you get all you need!