Ok so this is totally going to end up being a rant, I realize. But really just need some preggo lady support. So before we found out I was pregnant. My husband and I decided we really need to work on ourselves so we started doing this self help workshops. He came back from his first and was a change awesome man. So I did one, but it was during this time that he hung out with the women that he started to have feelings for and must have decided that instead of continuing to work on himself, it must be me or something because he a few weeks later(at this point I was already preggo and didn't know it) he told me that he was not really attracted to me anymore and was really attracted to other women(didn;t tell me that it was one woman)..fun times so I thought about leaving, I did another workshop to figure it out and it during the workshop he went to a festival with our kids and this woman(she nannies for our friends child who also did the workshop so it didn't stick out to me that much, right? So during the workshop I realize alot about our relationship, mainly that I will not accept him loving me with conditions and that if I am to stay his love be unconditional. So the next week we go to counseling and to me it seems whenever we are around other people his story changes, he says he is committed to me and wants to try to work on ourselves for another year and then see. Ok and guess who is watching our kids..the nanny that he has feelings for, yup. OK so I still have no clue about this woman and I would like to say that it is at this point at counseling when re-commits to me that he stops feeling for her but I doubt it. Next day a facilitator from the workshop tells my husband how special and amazing I am and I see a new sparkle in his eye, which I hate more than all the other stuff, like really you need someone to tell you this, he is so messed up. Then that week I found out I was pregnant, at the store we see nanny with our friends kid, we decide to go to the park together. I tell her I am pregnant, first question from her "are you getting an abortion" "what does blank(my husband) think about the pregnancy?" Well my husband wanted me to get an abortion, and he thought about leaving me because I was going to keep baby. So I am wondering why she is asking this shit and I know that she knows we went to counseling but hmm.(I still don't know if he talked to her about our relationship he says no and I want to believe him. But then at the park these two are totally just sitting together talking away while I am watching my kids. Ohhh and I just threw up..so it is at this point I connect the dots. Duh my husband totally has a thing for the babysitter...duh! Got home yelled at him that he was a loser and fell in love with the babysitter, he laughed at me said I was crazy and denied it....gets better oh my god this is long...At this point we are totally at a breaking point right he is really pressing for abortion I am freaking out at him for not getting a vasectomy for the past year like I told him he should if he doesn't want to have any more kids...and thankfully I think at this point our best friend came to town, the man that introduced us. I see a huge shift in my husband. I totally think I must have been hormonal about the nanny and I do believe he defintely stopped putting out the vibes to this woman at this point(she is interesting because I totally don't think she is into him she has a boyfriend and is younger but I think she likes attention from men). Anyway it is at this point that we have to find a place to live and can't. My husband has it seems to me at this time been daydreaming about two things...other women and building a tiny house. So at this point I decide to be self-less and I tell him he should build us a tiny house, even though I am barfing and going to have three kids and will be homeless for the summer, I say he should do it. So then we are like where can we stay while we build it, how about our friends house(that have the nanny!) what was I thinking??? I really did think I was being hormonal and he said he did not have feelings for her so we moved in..worst mistake ever. This nanny is has befriended both of us but it is so uncomfortable one night my husband says he is taking a sauna and she says "really I'll join you" my husband says he is too tired waits till she leaves and takes one. I see him trying to avoid situations and he is now really supportive of me so I think we are ok. Then I leave the house for other reasons(it is hard having your kids in other peoples space) It is during this time that I look on my camera and see a picture of the nanny from the festival and from the picture I see all of his feelings for her(plus he has not taken a picture of me without me asking in like 8 years :( so I call him and finally he admits that yes during that time he had a crush on her. And now I am replaying all of these times that I just talked about and how if I ever have a crush on a man, I try to avoid spending time with him,especially alone! because I am married and how he kept spending time with her, like right in front of me at times. And that he was really thinking of leaving me because of his feelings and how he knows that she is unavailable but I will never know how it would have gone if she was available and interested. And how in the world could he move his whole family to a home that she is at everyday. I have no idea how to move past this, how to let this go. I am a triple leo so I have lots of pride especially in needing my partner to adore me. I feel very betrayed even though he does not of course understand, he is at one moment feeling sorry and at other moments trying to hurt me. When I try to talk about something that comes up for me like for instance he wanted this woman at my birth, when I didn't know that he was into her but my intuition said no way.(she is a student midwife) he said I am a man of course I am going to find other women attractive and you sure aren't attractive with how jealous you are acting. I just need some answers and he is too bull headed to give them to me and I don't know how to move forward and forgive with out my answers, is this weird or normal. I mean I know he did not physically cheat on me but I feel like he emotionally cheated on me, like I just am remembering being at a party after I was preggo and him sitting with her and not even checking in on me, this totally hurts me to think about. During each of my other pregnancies I went through jealousy or having weird dreams that my husband cheated on me, but we had a solid foundation and I was able to see that he was there for me but this time it is not the case. I don't think I can live at this house either how can I grow bigger feel vunerable with this woman around all the time as a reminder of my pain. And if we don't live there then me and the kids are homeless once again until he finishes the tiny house. Ok did anyone read this book? Please offer advice I will not be offended. Have you ever had a rough patch like this and gotten through or is this too much? Hmm..
anyone else having marital issues..?
That's a really rough spot to be in. DH and I went through some problems a year or two into our marriage and it was hard, it nearly broke us but we made it through. We didn't have kids yet though, so that made things a bit easier (or, I guess, not quite as hard).
Have you read anything about emotional affairs? That's what it sounds like to me, even if he didn't know it was heading in that direction.
Wow. I really don't have any advice, mama, but I wanted to reply because you are obviously in a spot! I can relate to the pride and really needing a doting partner, and I can't personally imagine staying with someone who wasn't actively 'loving' me, someone who admitted to having a wandering eye and actual feelings for another woman. My question for you is, where is your heart in all of this, besides hurt? Do you still love your husband and want to work things out with him? What has died within your relationship that has made room for this stuff to grow? Can whatever has changed within your relationship be remedied with a new focus, dedication, and counseling? Not at all blaming you for his betrayal, to be clear. I actually left my ex when my son was two years old because I was the one with feelings for someone else. My heart had wandered and when I really realized that I asked myself if it was too late and the answer for me was, yes, it was. I came clean with my husband about my feelings for someone else, we split although it was difficult with a young child, and to this day still have a close, respectful relationship. In my opinion it was better to preserve what we had (friendship, platonic love, mutual respect, a functional co-parenting dynamic) and release us both from the pressures and expectations that we couldn't fulfill (martial love, a sexual relationship, romance, happiness and fulfillment). In my current partnership I have found that when things feel stale and I'm personally not as satisfied often what it takes is a heart to heart and a little injection of love and attentiveness on my part. I need to make my partner feel loved and as 'seen' as I want to be, which requires less taking for granted of the other and more presence. You can be in the same room and not be present. I think that happens a lot in marriage. People get so used to their partners they don't really see or know them anymore. Sex helps. Honestly, if we are in a rut, really focusing on him and making love in a connected, spiritual way realigns us as a couple. When I 'see' him and he feels desired I notice the acts of romance flow more freely in my direction and the back rubs, date nights, helping around the house, surprise flowers start to happen without any pressure from me. To be really honest, I think your husband sounds like he's being seriously selfish and a total jerk. Normally I admire honesty in people, but to commit to a woman, have children with her, get her pregnant and put you in the situation you're in right now... I just don't know. I feel, out of compassion for you, he should do whatever it takes to put his interest in 'other women' aside and be a partner to you right now when you're in this vulnerable, unstable place. I would insist he stop all communication with this woman, move the family out of the house where she is a frequent reminder of his emotional infidelity, and actively try to repair his fractured marriage to you. Otherwise I would do whatever it took to remove myself from those surroundings and leave him with my integrity and self-love intact. I don't know your options, how many kids you have, if you're working and can afford to leave right now or even if you want to. I just know that for me, life without love isn't much of a life at all and I would rather be alone than allow someone to crush my self worth a little more every day. Sometimes it's far lonelier to be with someone who doesn't 'see' you than to actually be alone, you know. I know this probably doesn't help at all, but I do feel for you and sincerely hope you can get through this.
I think there are two types of issues going on here. Well, obviously there are a lot of issues... but two categories to narrow things down to.
a) Things that are possibly excusable on his part
b) Things that are not ever excusable on his part
For example... it might hurt hearing that your man had a crush on another woman. However, as you said yourself, sometimes crushes "happen" even for married people, and how one deals with it is the key. It sounds like he was thinking with his emotions for a while, and then later on backed off (such as not going in the sauna with her, etc). If he has (whether to you or just to himself) admitted that this crush was not going to go anywhere, that his daydreams of running off with the nanny were stupid, and he then re-commits himself to you and the new baby... then it is up to you to see if you're willing to take that on. And then you guys could move forward.
However, there were some red flags that jumped out at me, things that I would categorize in the never excusable category. Saying he is attracted to other women, fine. (Hurtful, hurts the pride, but honest, so OK.) Saying you are not attractive because you're jealous... not excusable. That's putting the blame on YOU. You wouldn't BE jealous if he didn't give you a reason to doubt his loyalty, right? So then you become unnattractive for reacting to his actions? What?
Telling you to get an abortion... that could fall into either camp. If he had said it once or twice because hey, he panicked when he found out about it, had a flight or fight response, and you guys were pro-choice anyway, I would say, alright, I'll let that go. Pressing for it after you said no - which it sounds like he did - and basically trying to bully you into aborting his child (when HE did not get the vasectomy YOU asked him for)... that doesn't fly with me. Unless he turned a 180 and is now super supportive of the pregnancy, that also would not fly with me.
And finally the part where you guys were both at the gathering where you were ill and he was chatting with the nanny while you were ill... Again, maybe he was a) unaware of how sick you were b) thinking with his temporary crush... but it sends a signal to me that he wasn't there for you when you needed him. That's something for you to decide, again. Is he generally there for you when you need him? Was that a one-off situation which was still crappy but maybe you took more personally than you needed to because of hormones? It doesn't strike me as that, though. It strikes me as that he has a pattern of not being there for you. Please correct me if I'm wrong.
So, in your place, I would sit him down in a place where he can't escape a conversation. ;) I would a) give him an ultimatum that there will be NO contact with the nanny. Not for a place to live, not for midwifery advice, not for a park date, not for anything. No contact, at all, period. See how he responds - and if he agrees, I would snoop a bit to make sure that yes, he's not sneaking around, that he really is not contacting her. Then I would basically point out that you're willing to work with him on HIS dreams - building the house, and whatever long term plans he has. Tell him that you can see a future with him and support HIS dreams, but he needs to be part of the team and work with you when YOU need HIM. Like, for example, when you're pregnant. Calmly, without exaggerating, TELL him how crappy you feel healthwise, tell him you need him to be verbally and physically supportive of your pregnancy, and see how he reacts.
It's not easy, that's for sure, and I know the prospect of being virtually homeless, pregnant, in a rocky relationship, with your existing children is not a fun place to be. You need security now. I think you guys could be fine even without a permanent built home as long as your relationship issues were resolved. I hope that gets to be the reality for you. Just take it one day at a time and keep us updated. Good thoughts your way.
Ladies thank you so much for replying! so good to hear your thoughts. I am feeling good today. He has agreed to counseling both individual and couples. We are going to start next week. However our living situation is tricky the only way we can afford all that counseling is by staying where we are at. Do you think I should try to have a conversation with the woman, like back off a little convo?? I don't know how else to navigate staying there but we also really jive with the family that owns the land and it is a opportunity to try out our tiny home rent free. Urgg!
He is super supportive of his little one in the belly now, sending me texts about can't wait to see my three babies and stuff. But it is really hard for me to let go of the hurt that he caused me, especially because he can't see it so clearly, he keeps saying I am making more of this than there is. I am going to just stop thinking about it until counseling because that is making more angry than having a crush is, ya know? I just need him to see it clearly, be sorry, be willing to grow and keep working on himself..thats what I need right now.
Again thank you love and blessings to you all!