Advice! In long term relationship, 23, and big crush on another guy?

[rainbow 453]

I'm writing in this forum because it seems like most of the women who respond are level-headed - and give great advice!  I, however, am not a mother.

BUT I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 5 years, since the summer after highschool.  He is the perfect boyfriend.  He treats me like I am a goddess - flowers every few weeks, gifts, and wants nothing more than to be with me all the time.  He makes great money, has an MBA, and comes from a wonderful, well-connected family.  Plus, he's practically naming our unborn children... though after 5 years I don't blame him!  

Problem is I have a big crush on a co-worker.  Actually, he works FOR me.

The object of my affection is nowhere near my usual physical type, but still attractive.  He is 30 years old and spent years travelling Europe trying to grow his band.  That's why he's older but works under me.  He is pretty broke and has a low income earning potential.  He broke up with his girlfriend of 3 years recently.  More importantly, I can't even think around him.  Actually, I can't think when he's not around either.  Worst of all, I'm not sure if he's interested or if he is just being nice because, well, I'm his boss.

My relationship with my boyfriend seems forced all of a sudden.  It seems false.  Like I'm in it for all the wrong reasons.  Even when I'm with him I am quietly comparing him to the object of my lustful affection.  I am elated every time I get a text message from the crush, and feel like I'm putting on a mask around my bf.

What should I do?  Am I failing to recognize a perfect relationship?  Should I stay away and be with my main man, or am I too young to quit the dating scene?  I'm afraid I'll never find another guy like my boyfriend, but I am not ready to be married yet....  Help!

[Juvysen]

When I was around 24 I had a HUGE crush on this other guy.  My husband and I had been married for like 2 years and together since we were 17 at that point... it was not long lived, but my husband and I had not been getting along that well around that time.  I suspect it was because my husband and I were disconnected that was why the crush happened.  I didn't act on it for 100 different reasons, and now I'm 31 and still with him and our relationship is stronger than ever. 

My advice would be to find a way to connect with your boyfriend.  And by connect, I mean CONNECT, don't just "try"... maybe go on vacation together for a week or two (if you can... even camping or something) to get away from the daily thing with the crush guy.

But really, ultimately it's up to you.  Is it worth it to you to toss away what you have to experience a new relationship?  New relationships are a lot of fun, but there's no guarantees in the long haul, you know?  This is a very personal decision.
 

[mkksmom]

Juvysen hit the nail on the head. This is a very personal decision. I think that a crush is new and fun, but crushes often fade, especially when they are forbidden. Maybe just a talk with your boyfriend letting him know that you aren't ready to be married yet is what you really need. I wouldn't act on the crush though. Doesn't mean I think your current boyfriend is the one, but I think it is best to separate the crush from your decision about whether or not to stay with the boyfriend.

[Linda on the move]

It is morally wrong to date someone who works for you. It would be the basis for an unhealthily relationship -even if you didn't have a boyfriend.

The problem isn't which guy to date, the problem is learning to control your feelings/desires around people who are off limits. This guy is just off limits.

It is normal to feel attractions to different people, but one learns to not feed those emotions.

Also, your relationship with your boy friend could deepen. You haven't mentioned what sort of character he has or what you admire about him. Or even what you enjoying doing together.

[limabean]

I agree with Linda. You can't date an employee. 

I also agree with mkksmom that your decision to stay with your boyfriend or not shouldn't be based on this crush. Try to separate the issues in your mind. If your relationship isn't working, fine, but leave the office guy out of your decision. 

[Linda on the move]

Also, check your employee handbook on your company's policy for people dating those who report to them. Most companies will fire the supervisor. And if you flirt with him and he doesnt feel the same way about you, he can report you for sexual harassment.

He ends at the neck, and forgetting that could have a massive impact on your career - and not just at this company, because you could loose your reference.

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

DO NOT DATE YOUR EMPLOYEE!!!!   

You are young, if you are not feeling it with your current boyfriend, maybe break up and be on your own for a while.  Look for a new man if that's what you want. 

[lilyka]

Never date an employee.  I would go so far as to not even be social outside of work with someone who works under you.  

And my advice is always to deal with relationship #1 before starting relationship #2.  Never leave one guy because someone else  makes you giddy.  That fizzles.

[rainbow 453]

Thought you might be interested in an update, plus a couple follow-up questions...  For the most part, I took your advice.  Thanks!

First, I broke up with my existing boyfriend.  It was a painful process. He was crushed and will probably never forgive me, but I haven't felt this free in years!  This fiasco got me thinking that no matter how much money he makes, how fit he is or how much he adores me, I can't make myself be that into him.  5 years down the drain?

I also haven't done anything stupid with my subordinate...yet.  Two things I didn't mention in my last post:

1) I am in a temporary position and will be moving to a completely separate part of the company in a few months 

2) It is very likely that even before then, my subordinate will be getting promoted.  My boss called me in to ask how the guy is doing, and to ask whether her would make a good supervisor in the near future.

Do you still think it's as bad of an idea to get involved with guy #2?  So far it's been 100% professional, with the exception of a few very personal conversations, and lending each other the odd movie (guilty!)  I don't think we're destined for each other, but is it wrong to dump Mr. Right to get a chance with Mr. Right Now, even if Mr. Right Now works for me?

[rhianna813]

For dating those you work with, always follow the corporate policy. As others have mentioned it is usually that you are not allowed to date direct reports but sometimes it’s broader than that. If you are not breaking any rules you just need to consider the emotional fall out in relation to dating or breaking up with someone at work. It can be awkward and the gossip will travel fast. For sure the further you are from each other, like in different departments the better.

I married a coworker and we are still happily together. Many others at my office have dated and married. But there are others who have had flings or short term relationships… that ended badly.

I was in fact on a team where my boss was dating one of the people on my team. They said they were only friends but even then, she knew everything he knew (like who was getting laid off) and she was in his office all the time with the door closed. They had the same shift and had lunch together everyday. He tried to give her a promotion outside the office rules. For rest of us – we felt like second class citizens. Finally someone outed them and he got fired.

I think work is a fine place to meet others for friendship and dating. Lot’s of people have found their spouses at my job! Just be clear in yourself about what type of relationship you are looking for. And keep the relationship away from the office. Don’t tell everyone, don’t flirt with him in front of coworkers, keep things professional.

[Linda on the move]

Definately wait until he either gets promoted or you change positions. Do not date him now. Amount other things, it could call his promotion into question.

Remember that eventually, everyone will most likely know, and if you end up dating several people from work, it makes it more interesting for other people to talk about.

There are several happily married couples at my dh's work who met at work.

And a few people who get jokes made about them behind their backs because they've slept around with people they work with.

[Juvysen]

Yeah, wait until one or both of you change positions, for sure.