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Why not spanking ? - Page 9

post #161 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mittsy View Post

 

I personally don't believe parents "need" to have control over children. I try to respect my child's opinion and take that into consideration  at all times, I always strive to treat them as I would anyone else, and I would never try to control another adult! My children listen to me not only because they respect me and my opinions but also because they know that I always will try to take their opinions into consideration and find a mutually agreeable option that everyone can live with.

 

Since you simply 'take into consideration' your child's opinions you have control. If your child was the one who made decisions after considering your opinion they would be the one in control. If your child's opinion was that they should be allowed to color all over the walls and you said no you would be controlling them. I admit that it's an odd way to think about parenting but I do think that it's control nonetheless. 

post #162 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by elus0814 View Post

 

Since you simply 'take into consideration' your child's opinions you have control. If your child was the one who made decisions after considering your opinion they would be the one in control. If your child's opinion was that they should be allowed to color all over the walls and you said no you would be controlling them. I admit that it's an odd way to think about parenting but I do think that it's control nonetheless. 

I see parenting as more of a mentor/mentee relationship.  The mentor usually knows more, has more experience, is more qualified to make final decisions on the best course.  I mentor people in my profession and I'm also mentored by people with more experience and insight.  My mentors have considered my ideas and have offered advice on why they think certain ideas are not the best course.  They would not put me in a position of falling on my face if they can find a more teachable way, so to speak.  A mentor/mentee relationship is mentee-centered.  In other words, it is the mentor's primary responsibility to make sure that the mentee is on the right course and has the proper tools to make the right decisions.  I don't find that to be controlling, but rather a guidance relationship.  A boss is controlling.  A mentor is someone who uses his/her skills and experience to set someone on the proper course.  

post #163 of 176

I appreciate that and do strive for that kind of relationship when my kids are acting reasonably but really, if your kid wants to do something unsafe or destructive, and you cannot distract/redirect/alternate activity your way out of it, you're going to wind up preventing them from doing it somehow - which is controlling, not advising.  I think a LOT of this has to do with 1) How many kids are involved in the situation and 2) their temperaments.

 

One easygoing/compliant kid?  Mentor away and enjoy the harmony! (For the record, I was this kid and had an easy breezy childhood)

 

 2 headstrong, opinionated (often not the same opinion), loophole finders?  It'll be Lord Of The Flies all up in there.  Ask me how I know.  winky.gif lol.gif

 

More than 2?  It hurts my head to think about. 


Edited by The4OfUs - 9/12/12 at 8:40pm
post #164 of 176

I like the definition I found in "Parenting without power struggles". I also don't want (and can't) be in control of everything my child does, but I can be in charge.

post #165 of 176
We do have control over our children, but it seems like our job is to move to where we control less and less and they control themselves more and more until they become adults. Control is something that happens naturally due to the relationship we have, and I don't think it should be enforced with any kind of violence.

I guess my big point is that we don't need to force kids to get used to our having control, we need to work with them to learn to control themselves internally and not need our control. I think any kind of heavy-handed discipline is contrary to that, but particularly anything that uses physical pain. I'm a big fan of working with and not doing to as we teach our kids to not need our control. Working with them is a better way of getting them to have the internal motivation they'll need to control themselves when they grow up. Doing to them is only a way of getting them to behave until they are away from your external control.
post #166 of 176

elus0814: I guess we have different viewpoints about this. I don't really think about "who has control over this situation", instead I try to focus on everyone's feelings and needs being heard and trying to find a workable solution for everybody. I guess I think of my relationship with my children as more of a mentor, like CatsCradle described.

 

CatsCradle: You said what I was trying to so much more eloquently than I did! Thanks:)

 

The4ofus: I think anyone can parent any child in this way regardless of the number or tempermentality of the children. Although certainly I image certain families may find it more challenging. I personally think how easy it will come to one parent versus another has little to do with the temperament of the child and much more to do with the temperament of the parent. I myself have 1 easygoing though very sensitive child, and 1 very "spirited" child, and I personally find the "spirited" child much easier to relate to and work with while admittedly the sensitive child's whining can grate on my nerves a bit.

post #167 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post

I appreciate that and do strive for that kind of relationship when my kids are acting reasonably but really, if your kid wants to do something unsafe or destructive, and you cannot distract/redirect/alternate activity your way out of it, you're going to wind up preventing them from doing it somehow - which is controlling, not advising.  I think a LOT of this has to do with 1) How many kids are involved in the situation and 2) their temperaments.

 

One easygoing/compliant kid?  Mentor away and enjoy the harmony! (For the record, I was this kid and had an easy breezy childhood)

 

 2 headstrong, opinionated (often not the same opinion), loophole finders?  It'll be Lord Of The Flies all up in there.  Ask me how I know.  winky.gif lol.gif

 

More than 2?  It hurts my head to think about. 

 

I couldn't help but laugh at the lord of the flies comment. It's so very true. Get a gaggle of strong willed children together and you can't just not have someone in control. Not counting the baby we have four little kids who often each want to have their own messy, destructive, and/or unsafe thing going on. I can mentor my kids all day long but when one decides to climb up the pantry shelves to get a jar of peanut butter off the top shelf then eat it with their hands you can bet I'll exert my power to stop them.

post #168 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by elus0814 View Post

 

I couldn't help but laugh at the lord of the flies comment. It's so very true. Get a gaggle of strong willed children together and you can't just not have someone in control. Not counting the baby we have four little kids who often each want to have their own messy, destructive, and/or unsafe thing going on. I can mentor my kids all day long but when one decides to climb up the pantry shelves to get a jar of peanut butter off the top shelf then eat it with their hands you can bet I'll exert my power to stop them.

When I referred to mentoring above, I didn't mean that the relationship allowed for putting someone in harms way, or allowing them to potentially harm themselves by not intervening.  My problem with the word "control" is that it has a lot of negative connotations, at least for me.  My parents were very controlling.  We weren't allowed to express our own thoughts and I spent much of my youth with internal rage because my parents always took the position that they were the boss.  My relationship with my parents was extremely oppressive.  I think it had a negative impact on me in my adult life because either I was always trying to please someone, or I was afraid to speak up if I thought something was wrong or if it should be done another way.  The "relationship" as a mentoring one in the long term makes more sense to me.  Does that mean that when my kid is in danger that I'm not going to act to remove her from harm's way, of course not.  I also believe in consequences.  I still experience consequences when I do something stupid.  Consequences, though, are about teachable moments for me.  It's not about someone controlling me but rather me learning a certain level of self-control through realization that there are consequences to my negative actions.  

 

If you want to call what you do "control" that is fine.  I just don't see my relationships, as a whole, that way.  I guess I'm looking at the broader picture rather than certain circumstances.  We can pick apart the word control all we want but in general terms my relationship with my kid is not about control.  It's about teaching and guidance.   

post #169 of 176
Quote:
Originally Posted by CatsCradle View Post

When I referred to mentoring above, I didn't mean that the relationship allowed for putting someone in harms way, or allowing them to potentially harm themselves by not intervening.  My problem with the word "control" is that it has a lot of negative connotations, at least for me.  My parents were very controlling.  We weren't allowed to express our own thoughts and I spent much of my youth with internal rage because my parents always took the position that they were the boss.  My relationship with my parents was extremely oppressive.  I think it had a negative impact on me in my adult life because either I was always trying to please someone, or I was afraid to speak up if I thought something was wrong or if it should be done another way.  The "relationship" as a mentoring one in the long term makes more sense to me.  Does that mean that when my kid is in danger that I'm not going to act to remove her from harm's way, of course not.  I also believe in consequences.  I still experience consequences when I do something stupid.  Consequences, though, are about teachable moments for me.  It's not about someone controlling me but rather me learning a certain level of self-control through realization that there are consequences to my negative actions.  

 

If you want to call what you do "control" that is fine.  I just don't see my relationships, as a whole, that way.  I guess I'm looking at the broader picture rather than certain circumstances.  We can pick apart the word control all we want but in general terms my relationship with my kid is not about control.  It's about teaching and guidance.   

 

My mom was like that. I would be watching tv and she would walk in, grab the remote, and change the channel. If I protested she would tell me it was her house and her tv. Everything had to be her way. 

 

I agree with you that parents should be mentors to their children, someone they can learn how to be an adult from. 

 

I called what most consider normal parenting control because that's what was brought up. It's an odd way to think about it, I generally wouldn't call parenting a form of control but I think it is control when a parent stops a child from doing something they want to do. Control comes in different forms. I think 'controlling' a child in the sense that you are teaching them right from wrong is a good thing. They need to learn it's not ok to throw water balloons out of attic windows and they might need someone to control their access to balloons for them to learn that lesson. As a child I liked taking long showers. I kept doing it even when told not to so my mom would give me a certain amount of time, wait for the timer to go off, then turn off the hot water. Yes, she was controlling the way I showered but as a child I had a hard time connecting my long shower with a higher electricity bill the next month. 

post #170 of 176

Spanking is clearly destructive, but most dangerous with toddlers and preschoolers.  The developing brain of a child is vulnerable and any form of violence increases risk of long-term problems.

I wanted to share with you an incredibly important project for children and mothers.

We are trying to produce a documentary to help start a meaningful dialogue about the negative effects of spanking and the common cultural acceptance of its practice.   

Thank you!
Robbyn Peters Bennett

 

 

 

 
Link removed per our advertising user agreement: 

Advertising in discussion threads is strictly prohibited. Do not post to advertise your product, business, website or blog or in any other manner from which you would financially benefit.

 

Robbyn, please feel free to paraphrase content from your site - it will be greatly appreciated! You are welcome to place a link to your site on your profile for users to locate that way. Thanks, ICM. 

post #171 of 176

The research seems to overwhelmingly show that spanking has negative outcomes, many of which are not evident until much later.  I have a Facebook site and website that has a lot of information on the research, if any mommies are interested!

 

 


RobbynPBennet, please place these links in your profile. 

post #172 of 176

I think the simple fact that spanking hurts, both physically and emotionally, would be sufficient argument against it, even if there were no negative short or long term effects.


Edited by LuckyMolly - 11/3/12 at 6:37pm
post #173 of 176

thanks


Edited by annie-laurie - 12/29/13 at 10:59am
post #174 of 176

my opion of your hubby 'respecting' his father is that this is what kids want, a role model, someone to respect.

Had he not spanked, he might've been respected too.  And, the relationship would be a bit different, perhaps.

I believe that if spanking is used impulsively, or with  any frequency, we are losing the point of raising kids to understand and act and cause no harm, regardless of their own irritability.

post #175 of 176

My daughter is six years and I find that spanking does nothing, it really makes it worse and does not solve the problem, and  I find it makes the afraid of you.

 Also it teaches them to think that hitting is ok. 

post #176 of 176

Kids usually don't get the difference between spanking and hitting, and trying to explain it to them usually doesn't help. I spanked a couple of times when it seemed like all else failed, and the last time I did my daughter asked me why I would try to hurt her, and why its ok to hit her when she is bad. I was creating a large amount of fear, mistrust, and many other negative emotions within her as well as confusing her about what was right and wrong and I didn't even realize I was doing it. Other parents I've spoken to have related similar experiences. That was the last time I spanked her.

 

Kids may not always be able to verbalize it, but they really don't get it, they don't understand why you would want to hurt them or scare them, and really, why would you? Maybe you feel that the spanks are soft enough not to hurt, but you are still creating a fear in them that you could hurt them or swat them if you don't like what they are doing.

 

You can do so many things that teach self discipline without ever doing something that causes pain or fear of pain, and many other types of discipline create trust in your parent-child relationship and rather than fear, mistrust, and negative emotions. Good luck!

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