27 weeks pregnant, alone and depressed.

[Gossamyr]

Hi I am 27 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My "boyfriend" and I had been together for seven long years. I am currently pursuing a degree and my boyfriend - being the happiest man alive when we found out we were pregnant is unemployed with no health benefits whatsoever. He lives with his old man who doesn't have much either. I have already broken up with him several times before because of this (I always end up paying for everything including his bills and was also obliged to provide food on the table) and the last time we broke up, (I spent three months rejecting his reconciliation schemes and then one day gave in again after being promised the moon and the stars) I got pregnant. Here's one more thing, he is unemployed because he does'nt have a diploma..he's like always waiting for help from me and my Mum, he said that if I want him to get a job I should help him since he does'nt have anything to start with. I tried..really.. but he's always underqualified (he has tattoos in his arms and both sides of his neck). I feel so bad not being able to "help" him but somehow I know in my heart that I probably wouldn't feel as depressed as I am now if I dont take charge of our relationship too much. The other day he called me in school asking for money and since I just paid the utilities, I told him he has to wait a couple more days while I try to make some money. Then and there he just snapped and told me that I am just like those other people who doesn't give a damn about him and that he'll one one day make his own money and when that day comes he's not interested in sharing it with anyone..I reckon that includes me right? He also told me that I didn't have to bother coming home to his place (I moved in with him years ago).
It has been days since that awful conversation and he still hasn't called. I am currently staying with my mother (I'm an only child and was raised alone by my Ma) and is bombarded with academic exams with my little unborn child quickening more often than before. I miss my father's child but I knew ever since that he may not be good for me - what I cannot understand is why I keep putting myself in situations like this. Now I guess I don't really have a choice, unless I want to have a broken family even before I have one.
And oh, by the way, I am only 22 and he's 26.
Anyone?

[Alphaghetti]

Aw damn. That's such an awful feeling. I know, because I found myself alone and pregnant with my first child.

I know it seems horrible and soul crushing in this moment, but please, let him go. He has proven time and again that you can't rely on him. If you want to, one day, you'll find a partner worthy of your love and commitment.

Hang tight to your mom and your academia. Know that you're going to be a fantastic mama to your baby. Once your child is in your arms, I think you might find that you've never snuggled or felt love as deeply as you do for your little one.  I am sure this is not the life you wanted to carve out for yourself, but here it is, and you most definitely CAN make it great.

Hugs and love.

[pokeyAC]

I agree with Alphagetti.  Let him go.  He has proven that he is unreliable and irresponsible and inconsiderate.  You cannot fix him, he needs to fix himself.  If he can get himself together, maybe he can be a father later.  You have someone else to take care of now.  Your resources should go to yourself and your baby.  You may grow stronger as you go through this time in your life.  Being a single mom is not easy, but you will learn to care for yourself and your child.  I think we all date someone who isn't perfect for us at some point, but we learn from that and eventually find better partners.  I found mine at 31.  I'm sorry you are doing this all alone and feeling depressed.  I would suggest finding maybe a support group for single moms to be or seeing if you can get counseling through your school.  Many universities have counselors available for students.  You could also search the internet for resources for parents in your area.  I wish you all the best.

[LilyTiger]

Originally Posted by Gossamyr 

what I cannot understand is why I keep putting myself in situations like this.

I second the advice you've gotten above, but would like to add that pretty much every college or university offers free counseling to students.  Your statement above indicates that you might need some assistance in getting out of this situation and disentangling yourself.  I used my college's counseling when going through a very rough period in my early twenties, and it might help you to talk to someone about why you've been with this man for seven years.  They can also help you sort out your options (including your emotions if you decide to leave).  If I'm doing the math right, you were only 15 when you started dating this man and so you were extremely young and, I imagine, very emotionally vulnerable.  That kind of long term relationship started so young can create dependence issues that you will probably need help to sort through.  I would strongly recommend talking to someone who can help you through this time, particularly since your emotions are going to be even more haywire as you get closer to birth and postpartum.

Good luck!  I hope you find the strength to do whatever you believe best for the well being of both you and your child.

[kristenburgess]

I agree with the other mamas - he's proven to you that he's not ready to be the man you need him to be.  Maybe once your baby is born he will change and be there for your little one.  Some men do grow up when they realize they have a child.  Many don't.  That's something *you* do not have control over.  It's him.

I can share that I was in a similar situation - my fellow moved from job to job, spending periods of time being unemployed, quitting for no good reason, etc.  He constantly blamed it on *me*.  I'd made some mistakes in our relationship, but instead of moving on from that, he just went back to how everything was my fault, and it was my fault that he wasn't able to hold down a job or get a good job. 

It wasn't my fault - and it is not your responsibility to go out there and get a job for your boyfriend.  It's his responsibility to do what it takes to get to where he can find work.  Sure he could ask you to watch wanted ads, help him find classes he needs, or help him with paperwork, but HE needs to be the one getting out there, getting qualified, getting the job, and keeping it.  HE needs to do that.  You are NOT treating him badly to expect that, either.  He's a grown man.  Caring for him means expecting him to be a man.  He wants a mommy to do everything and he's trying to guilt you into it.  That's what it sounds like.

I would say if your mom is supportive of you, then you stay with her.  You keep doing what you need to do for your baby and yourself, so you can make a better life for the two of you.  If this guy shows you he's going to get up and do what it takes to support his child, then you can reconsider things.  But as it stands now he's trying to use guilt to control you, and he's not trying to be a partner or father.  I would stay away and focus on being a mother to your coming little one. 

((Hugs))  You can give your little one a good life, and you can find happiness for yourself without being in a manipulative relationship. 

[tiqa]

Sounds very similar to a guy I dated when I was in college.  It got no better with him, just got worse and worse through the years.  He's not going to change.  Unless you really and truly want to be with him without reservations, (which it doesn't sound like you are) and basically are fine with supporting him long-term, I would move on.  He might be happy about the idea of a child, but chances are he wouldn't be helpful and fulfill the role of a SAHD either.  So you'd be stuck supporting your child, him, and potentially his father too.  It doesn't sound like he wants to change the dynamic you guys have going on, and adding a baby to the mix certainly hasn't seemed to up his game any.  Worse, he sounds emotionally abusive from the few things you've said about him.

Stay with your mom if you can, take advantage of university counselors, enjoy your baby, and relax.  You're doing a marvelous job just doing what you're doing.  One day you'll meet someone who will be a true partner.

[LLQ1011]

My friend is going through the same thing you are going through. Except her daughter is 7. And let me tell you it breaks my heart. Her daughter is ignored in favor of the lazy deadbeat of a father. He hates the little girl because they have to spend money on her. Hes never held a job hes tatooed all over. He even decided to become a tattoo artists and tattooed ridiculous tattoos on my friend when she was passed out once. Their daughter is always last on th elist. She is so skinny and everytime I see her she is starving. She goes to school dirty, she needs serious dental work but he refuses to pay for it. When she finally got insurance from the state he didn;t want to spend the gas or time to take her. Shes in constant pain from her mouth. Hes hit her and my friend all sorts of times and my friends just had another baby with this dirtbag. He started out like your guy you are talking about and as she kept taking her back he got worse and worse. Its hard for me to even be her friend because of the state her family is in.  She constantly has to fork over all of her money to him and is forced to take her kids to soup kitchens to eat sometimes. Everyone seems to owe him everything. He threatens suicide and its a train wreck.

So because of the situation I put above get out while you can! A broken home sometimes is better than the alternative.

[ISISandOSIRIS]

Gossamyr - I'm so sorry you have to deal with this pregnancy without a reliable partner. It sounds like a lot of us have dated this guy. Unfortunately, you're now stuck with him for life. Don't take care of him. Take care of yourself and your child. Sounds like you have a great mom, so you're NOT alone.

LLQ1011 - the child you describe is being neglected and abused and both the guy and your friend would be considered at fault. I hope you don't look the other way and make a call to protective services. This poor child is in pain and needs help.

[LLQ1011]

Originally Posted by ISISandOSIRIS 

Gossamyr - I'm so sorry you have to deal with this pregnancy without a reliable partner. It sounds like a lot of us have dated this guy. Unfortunately, you're now stuck with him for life. Don't take care of him. Take care of yourself and your child. Sounds like you have a great mom, so you're NOT alone.
LLQ1011 - the child you describe is being neglected and abused and both the guy and your friend would be considered at fault. I hope you don't look the other way and make a call to protective services. This poor child is in pain and needs help.

We have tried. Multiple times. Us her family, other friends. Somehow its just keeps perpetuating. Her aunt has her a lot now so thats has helped a lot. Even her school has interviened. But they are either really good at playing the system or the system is just not working.

[ISISandOSIRIS]

Originally Posted by LLQ1011 

We have tried. Multiple times. Us her family, other friends. Somehow its just keeps perpetuating. Her aunt has her a lot now so thats has helped a lot. Even her school has interviened. But they are either really good at playing the system or the system is just not working.

Unfortunately, that often happens and it's probably a little of both. These agencies have limited funding and a lot of overturn and playing the system is really not that difficult. It's a damn shame. I'm glad to hear she has good people in her life who are trying to help. At least that's something.

[ernjkly]

Just want to say that you deserve better, and if you don't move on now, you will regret it later.  Trust me, I made that mistake.  I was in a very similar situation, with my ex for 10 years.  We got together when we were 15 and split at 25, when our daughter was 3.  You change a lot during that period, and some people just don't ever grow up.  Unfortunately, we got married, and when we split (he was arrested for posession and I had enough of his irresponsibility), I still didn't have the good sense to pursue full custody.  He basically stalked me (would drive by my house in middle of night, call me and friends obsessively).  Two months after our divorce he was already dating someone else.  He is still irresponsible and now found another woman to take care of him and has two more kids with her.  They were homeless for a couple months this summer, because he just still can't get it together.  Also, he is a master manipulator.   I could go on and on.  My best advice I can give you is that keep pursuing your degree and what ever you do, don't let him get custody of your child.  I made that mistake, got accepted into some awesome graduate schools (UW and Yale), but I couldn't go because we have joint custody.  Anyway, that's my story; I hope you can learn from it and don't make the same mistake!!  Also, now I am married to an amazing partner that is a wonderful father to my daugher, so it all works out!  Just don't marry someone because you feel it's the proper thing to do; you can never make him the man he needs to be. 
 

[velveeta]

I'm so sorry to hear this. You are a wise mama already, and the best thing you can do for your family is to continue to listen to your intuition.

Love and blessings to you.