Who would take care of your children?

[anj_rn]

DH and I need to update our wills, and are struggling with who will take care of our children.  DS is 6 and is very math/science gifted.  DD is 3 and is special needs, with major medical issues.  Money issues aside (we have trusts set up with responsible financial conservators, who will not be care givers) her is the situation.  We are protestant christians, who do delayed vax, gentle discipline, and never overschedule (very much let your kids be kids). We are blessed with a lot of family, but no perfect choices. Our options are:

Paternal GPs - live 5 min away, zoned to same school, OK to take care of DD, go to same church, but think we are crazy for not spanking.  They are retired, so have a flex. schedule, but are in their 60s, so might not be a perm solution.

SIL - live 10 min away, zoned to same school, have son same age as DS, go to same church, but spank.  Both work, and neither are trained to take care of DD.

Older Sis - lives 25 min away, can take care of DD, have 3 older kids (15yrs-8yrs), Gentle DS, sis teaches special ed, but do not attend any church or espouse any religious beliefs.

Younger sis - lives 2 hours away, crunchier than me, due w/ baby #1 in Dec, not trained to deal w/DD, but would pick it up quickly, but she and BIL are Jewish.

So essentially, I have 2 siblings with great parenting skills and similar styles, but different religious beliefs, and in-laws with the same religious beliefs, but vastly different parenting styles.

I am looking for a set of fresh eyes, what do you think?

[WittyNameHere]

Good question. My husband and I haven't even gotten NEAR this topic yet, but we totally should because we've got two young ones. I think you're so lucky to have family nearby that can/could take care of your children should, God forbid, something happen. Personally, I would go with the ones with a similar child rearing style and capabilities. The couple I'd like to care for my kids should my husband and I be unable to do so aren't of our faith (I'm Catholic; they're Buddhist) or cultural background (I'm Italian-Swedish-American, hubby's Russian -- it's a lot but we make it work!!! They're a WASP-Chinese couple), but we've known them forever and love them deeply. They attachment parent, do gentle discipline, are vegetarian, and let their beautiful children be kids. They're pretty much everything we aim for in terms of parenting (I really don't know how they do it). I love my family but I know that they wouldn't/couldn't approach the kid's life and development as we/our friends would.

And the different faith thing really doesn't bother me that much. The kids can always go to Sunday school/CCD/bible study with their age peers and go to church with another family. It'll teach co-existence and that's a good thing.

Good luck and thanks for bringing this up. I'll be chatting with my husband about it.

[HappyHappyMommy]

We chose a couple who would parent in a way that's similar to the way we do. In terms of spirituality, I shared with them what's important to us so that they could share that with our DD if we were not here to do so.

So of the choices you listed, my personal preference would be for one of the siblings with similar parenting styles, but different religious beliefs.

[pammysue]

We chose my brother and SIL. They have a similar enough parenting style and lifestyle that I would be confident my children would be raised in a similar way. They claim to adhere to our same religion but don't attend services and it's not the core of their lives like it is for us. My parents live close to them and it is understood that my parents would be "in charge" of my children's religious upbringing (taking them to services, passing along the tenets, etc.) Bro and SIL live near my parents, are totally ok with this arrangement and my parents are more than happy to take on the responsibility so it works for everyone. 

Do you think that arrangement might work for you? Your older Sis could gain custody but your parents could handle the religious upbringing?

ETA: The custody/guardianship is legal in our will but the other arrangements are just verbal, which works in my family though it may not in all.

[erigeron]

Originally Posted by HappyHappyMommy 

So of the choices you listed, my personal preference would be for one of the siblings with similar parenting styles, but different religious beliefs.

I think the same thing. I would think a sibling who is respectful and tolerant would also raise your kids to respect that their parents had these beliefs, and show respect for the children's exploration of religion, even if they (the sibling) do not share the beliefs.

None of my potential parents for my child share my religious beliefs (heck, neither does my husband) and really the only appropriate choices are BIL and SIL or else my best friend and her husband... we don't want to foist them on my sister (doesn't want kids) or his other brother (single)... DH wants to keep the kids in the family so we asked BIL and SIL. They don't have kids yet, so I don't know a ton about how they plan to parent, but knowing them I have a hard time believing they'll be terribly different from us. My main concern is to keep her out of the hands of my parents because my childhood was pretty emotionally abusive. We still need to set up a will though.

[pek64]

For me the day to day stuff is more important than the religion. Your children could be taken to church by your parents, explaining to them that you do not want to burden them with the full responsibility as they should get to enjoy their retirement years. My reason is that spanking seems to me to be something not very christian. And if they are spanked, they will be more likely to spank.

And, hopefully, you will not need to use these arrangements!!!

[HappyHappyMommy]

Originally Posted by HappyHappyMommy 

We chose a couple who would parent in a way that's similar to the way we do. In terms of spirituality, I shared with them what's important to us so that they could share that with our DD if we were not here to do so.

So of the choices you listed, my personal preference would be for one of the siblings with similar parenting styles, but different religious beliefs.

Quoting myself...LOL. I wanted to add that I think for me part of what helped was that the couple we chose were very understanding that it was important to us for our DD to understand our spiritual beliefs, even in the ways that our beliefs differ from theirs. I think that made me much more comfortable. Perhaps you can talk with your sisters about how comfortable they would feel about teaching your children your beliefs even if they different from their own?

[anj_rn]

Well, DH and I talked about it for a long time, and have come to a temporary decision.  Because of the medical issues w/DD she really needs a SAHP, and she needs a house without animals.  None of our siblings can provide both at this time.  So we have chosen his parents.  DH can never remember being spanked, although his brother (6 yrs older) was.  I really do not think either of them would ever spank a grandchild.  We have talked it over with them, and they are going to have custody of our children for now, with the understanding that we may make changes in the future.

I honestly do not think we will need this, I can count (on one hand) the number of time DH and I were alone somewhere without both kids.