Don't know how to proceed re: Son's behavior, my behavior, and war with neighbors - Page 2

[~Nikki~]

I had a wacky mom that flew off the handle on a whim, constantly embarrassed us by making scenes in public when people "wronged" her, and creating drama that was never "her fault."  So I totally get how her poor boys must feel.  This isn't the first time I've seen her go off on somebody, it's just the first time that I was the target and it really freaked me out!  Thankfully, things have been very very quiet since the incident first happened.  Her boys (age 9 and 11) haven't been around much, and school starts in another week so we'll only have to worry about it in the evening.  I've been keeping my kids busy, taking them to the park and for bike rides so that they're not in the yard and being judged by the back porch drunk. ;)

My son saw her boys playing outside last night and really longed to go play with them.  I had to remind them that they're off limits because of all the trouble.  Her boys are older than mine (age 7) and in my opinion, just really don't need to be hanging out with him because no good ever comes of it.

We do have a fence separating our yards, but it's open in the back (we have a creek that runs along our back yard so a fence won't work there) so the kids are used to slipping in and out of eachother's yards. 

Thanks for all the thoughts and tips.  It has really helped calm me down, and I think I'll be able to better deal with a situation like this in the future.  With any luck, there won't be any future situations. ;)

[IdentityCrisisMama]

Mama, 

I had another thought when reading your last post -- can you maybe have a blanket rule for playing with neighbor kids that restricts playing with this family but is thought of more as an umbrella rule. I thought that this way you don't have to single this family out (if that becomes complicated for your DS). Maybe something as simple as asking you before playing...and then you can always make an excuse for these kids? At least until things mellow out...

I'm glad to hear it's already better. Maybe she also sees the error of her ways - we can hope, right? 

[~Nikki~]

Yep, I hear you.  I did try to word it in such a way that didn't make it come across to the kids as "I'm in a fight with their mom so you guys can't play together."  I've always had a rule in our yard that the kids are responsible for their guests.  If they invite other children intot he yard, and those children trash the place, the kids have to make sure they help clean up before they go home, or they'll be stuck doing it, themselves.  This has always seemed to be the best way to ensure that the whole group encourages eachother to make good decisions (ie: don't dump all the toy bins just for the sheer joy of making a giant mess).  But it's obvious that my children aren't able to influence these two older boys, at all, and that's why things are getting broken in the yard.  They won't even come and tell ME about it, because as it turned out, they're afraid of the two boys.  So I tried to stress that if their friend aren't being good guests, perhaps they shouldn't be invited over for awhile.  The kids agreed whole-heartedly, and I realized that all this time they were just trying to be polite to two little neighbors who took advantage of them because they knew that my kids were too afraid to "tattle" when the boys broke things.  Sigh.

So it seems to be working out, so far.

Unfortunately, I don't think the mom is getting any better.  I own a semi-detached house, and they happen to be the ones attached to me.  In three years, I have not heard a peep from the other side of the wall, and thought we had a pretty good soundproofing in place.  Turns out that's not the case, and they've just been considerate this whole time.  Since "the incident", I have had several nights where I've called up to the kids at 8 or 9pm to please be quiet and stop thumping and go to bed, and have found that they were previously fast asleep and had been woken by the noise, as well.  It sounds like multiple people kicking at or hitting the wall?  Not a hammer and nail, or construction noise, or anything innocent as a night-time noise, but a deliberate "I'm going to kick the crap out of the walls to wake everyone up" sort of thing.  I've also witnessed her slowing down while passing my house to throw garbage from her car into my driveway.  So no, she's not better.  There's definitely a screw loose, there.  I'm just glad that the harassment of the children seems to have stopped.  Hopefully she'll get the help she needs, because there are definitely some anger problems, there.

[sillygrl]

If that thumping keeps up, I might innocently call the police voicing neighborly concern and ask them to come check it out.....

That could possibly make things worse, but I'd be tempted.

[LLQ1011]

Does she own or rent? I would call the police. Everytime there is an event. Also reccord a video of her throwing trash in your yard. If she rents I would contact her landlord that it sounds like they are taking down walls or something. If you act out of fear then she will always win.

[SpottedFoxx]

I get wanting to allow kids to be outside alone and play.  However your son and his friend are only 10 and you have a nutjob for a neighbor.  Okay, they threw gravel and I do agree with having him offer his own money to repair any damage (but only if there was actual damage) but I think you need to make changes.  It sucks but until things can be brought under control by a person in authority (police), your children should not be outside unsupervised.  Better than she called you a "c" than (Gd forbid) shoot an arrow through a child.

[peaceful_mama]

I'm generally pretty laid back and mind my own business, but I'd be calling the cops on this woman.  Thanks for this--I needed to see what could be worse tonight.  ;)  (never thought I'd be happy my biggest problem is telling my kids to avoid the neighbor kids whose parents are obviously racist.)

[~Nikki~]

Yeah it totally sucks.  They also own, so no landlord to call, unfortunately.  It's too bad that she has to act like such a child because our collective children made stupid decisions.  Thankfully she hasn't had the crossbow out in awhile - that is something I'll definitely be calling the police or municipality about (as i'm sure there has to be some sort of law about shooting weapons in a residential area, right? =P)  I think it's possible that she lost her job recently, and maybe that's why she's more whacked out than normal.  I know she also works for the government, and we're getting hit with several waves of layoff letters over the next couple of years.  My position is fairly safe, but she talked to me a few months ago and said she knew that she was at a high risk of her position being eliminated.  And now suddenly she's at home every day, drinking and screaming at her kids, her husband is cleaning up their yard and seems to be "staging" it, and as of yesterday her brand new vehicle is gone and replaced by a used beater.  So I don't know....all signs point to the fact that they MIGHT be selling.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed, anyway... Because she scares the crap out of me too much to confront her on her BS shenanigans. =P