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pregnant again

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

I found out recently I'm pregnant again.  This is way sooner than we had planned.  My son is only 12 months old.  I'm really scared.  I don't feel hopeful about this at all.  I'm afraid the same thing is going to happen again.  I feel like my body is a failure and why should I even attempt this again.  I still have very little feeling along the scar and wonder if I'll be able to feel the baby move like I did when I was just 13 weeks pregnant last time.  I wonder if it will effect labor and pushing.  I wonder if I'll even get to push, I didn't last time.  I'm afraid this time will push me over the edge if I end up with a c/s again.   I'm not excited about telling people because everyone thinks I'm such a basket case after what happened last time.  I'm afraid there will be no joy surrounding this pregnancy. I want to be happy about this but I can't kind find a way.  I was so hopeful and excited last time and now I feel like I know everything can go wrong no matter what you do so why bother trying.  I hate this feeling. 


I just needed to get this off my chest. 

post #2 of 6

Oh, mama. I am really glad you could come here and share this really big piece of news.


I would be having all the same emotions you would. I am sure that while it is exciting, it is also wrapped up in all these layers of anxiety and fear and reliving all the negative things you felt about the last birth. I want you to know that we will be here to give you nonjudgmental support when you need it. I can't say I know what you're going through. But I can imagine. And I think it is so important that you give yourself permission to feel all the complex feelings that are stirring in you right now.


I'm wondering too if there is a way you would connect to other women in your area that've been through something like this. Are there local networks of moms that you might tap to find some local support? Sometimes just talking with someone who's been there can be such a relief.


I can't sign off without challenging one thing you said. Your body and you are NOT FAILURES. I see why you feel that way. I have been there too. Boy, have I. But mama, I don't see your story as one of failure at all. You proved that you have deep wells of emotional and physical strength that any mother would be proud of. You faced down a deep disappointment, huge personal pain, huge physical pain, in order to get that baby here. Your dreams of a certain birth were shattered, and you let them be, so that your baby could be born the way he had to be. I know it hurts. I don't mean to diminish that hurt. It is a loss when our births do not go the way we dreamed they would. But mama, it can be a loss and still not be a failure.


Hugs and love to you as you sort your way through this news. You'll be in my heart today.

post #3 of 6

Oh mama, thanks for sharing. I hope we can be source of support for you.


A few thoughts:

Your initial reaction is just an initial reaction. You may feel other things as the pregnancy progresses, hopefully including some things that are more positive or hopeful.


Please be sure that your care providers know your history and how it has impacted you. You deserve to find care providers and a support team that can get you through your next birth in the most supportive way possible.


Just keeping checking in to let us know how you're doing. You don't have to go through this alone!

post #4 of 6
Thread Starter 

Thanks for the support.  I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around this.  Some days I want to try everything in my power to get my HBAC but some days I just want to give up.  What's the point I did everything "right" last time and things still didn't work out.  My husband wants to tell everyone I'm pregnant but I don't want to tell anyone.  I keep putting it off.  I'm scared to hear the reactions that people who know my ppd history will have. 


Has anyone done hypnobirthing to help with fear management?  I think I need to start doing something.


Thanks again.  it's hard to talk about these things with the general birthing public.  They just don't understand.

post #5 of 6

I did hypnobabies with my birth. I had some very negative feelings about it, especially in light of my outcomes. I would be happy to share my experience if you want to PM me. I know it has worked for some moms, but I have a few beefs with it.


As for sorting through fears, I have heard excellent things about Birthing From Within. It was founded by Pam England, a midwife who had a homebirth turned cesarean. I feel like her literature really respects the reality of birth- that sometimes, despite our best efforts, things go a different way. BfW emphasizes that parents need to be emotionally prepared for EVERY outcome, not just the rosey ones. She also offers phone sessions that involve birth story listening, in which she helps women process difficult births and to heal. It might be a good resource for you.


http://www.birthingfromwithin.com/cesarean_birth to get a perspective on BfW's feelings toward the cesarean experience.

http://www.birthingfromwithin.com/store/show_by_tags/Phone+Classes: birth story healing phone sessions (scroll down).


I want to say something that might not be uber popular on MDC, but I'm gonna do it anyway. I think you need to birth in whatever way feels right to you. If that's a VBAC, that's great. If that's not a VBAC, if it's a cesarean, then that's great. I think you've been through a lot. And this pregnancy has come up as a bit of a surprise to you. You are still healing from your previous birth. And now, I think, is not the time for you to make decisions based on guilt or what you think others would have you do. Do what your body and spirit need. Your children will learn that they have a mother who demonstrates the undervalued idea of self-care, and who strives to be as gentle with herself as she would be with them. 


You are supported. You are heard. 


Big hugs.


Oh, also, would you be interested in finding a therapist who works with birth trauma or birth issues? You might try contacting your local PSI coordinator. They often have names of local folks who specialize in perinatal issues. 

post #6 of 6

Mugglesmom I just wanted to encourage you. DS2 is just 15 months younger than DS1, so I had only 6 months between pregnancies.


At first I was resigned to having to try and find a way to go the OB/hospital route in an area that doesn't provide hospital VBACs. We even discussed DS1 and I living with my in-laws for the final few weeks and birthing at a somewhat more VBAC friendly hospital close by there. The in-laws even agreed to it (at first), but it would have meant being away from my only real support (DH) as he would have still had to work right until I went into labor. The whole time we were planning that I had no peace about it.


I finally broke down after a particularly stressful visit from MIL and told DH I couldn't do it. I couldn't just hand my birth over to an OB. So we agreed to try another homebirth IF we could find a midwife who would HBAC with us. As soon as we found our midwife I felt at peace about birthing this new baby. We had tried to homebirth DS1 and were transferred because my waters had been broken for over 24 hours. I thought I had done everything to prepare for DS1. One of my close friends who now lives in New Zealand recommended The Pink Kit for helping us prepare for our HBAC. The one thing that I learned from that that made a huge difference, was that I could learn to relax all the muscles around my pelvis. I was so relaxed in that area that I had only 20 minutes of pushing for a 9lb8oz baby that had his hand up at his face and his elbow in the way.


I also learned even more about nutrition second time around, including my midwife recommending vitamin C from 20 week onwards to strengthen the amniotic sac, which worked for me as my waters didn't break until the first spontaneous push.


I also never got to push the first time. I think that was the part I was most concerned about with the HBAC. By letting my body do what it needed and keeping my focus on staying relaxed around my pelvis, I found the pushing to be the easiest part of the whole process. Once the head was out I did try to push without a contraction and nothing happened, so I let my body continue to do the work to finish it.


Only YOU will know what the right decision is for you about birthing this new blessing. For me it was an HBAC because I felt peace the second we made that decision. You will know what the right decision is for you. You may need some extra time in making that decision, don't rush it. If a RCS is what you need, then that is what you should do. If you need to try for a HBAC then that is what you should do. Give yourself some time to get used to being pregnant again, and if that means keeping the news to yourselves for a bit then you do what you need to do.


Please know that you do still have options. You are not a failure. You are NOT broken. Only you know what is right for you, so listen to yourself, and talk it out as much as you need to.

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