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Majorly Unplanned Pregnancy: Emotional Roller Coaster, Scared to Death, Freaking Out!!!

post #1 of 32
Thread Starter 

I am a broke, part-time waitress currently in grad school.  Found out I was pregnant 3 weeks ago: major shock and commence daily crying for two weeks.  My bf does not feel ready, and I don't either, but something about going through with an abortion felt really wrong to me.  So, with his support, we decided that while we are broke, we would try to go forward and see what happens.

 

Now, as reality is starting to sink in, I am freaking out.  I started crying in the middle of my run today - what the hell am I doing??  I start an internship next year (at which time surprise baby would be 5 months old) that is unpaid...aaahhh!!  I am already in a student loan financial hole, and I will just be piling onto it, essentially shackling us to a lifetime of poverty, I'm afraid.

 

And, this might be selfish, but I am so scared about what will happen to my body.  I don't want to get fat, I dont want a destroyed vagina, and I don't want to feel miserable and unsexy.  I am also scared that I will never have alone time again - I'm a major introvert and I love being alone.  I am petrified about finances.  I don't want to be a pregnant waitress.  I can't imagine trying to shuffle giving birth and finishing term papers and projects.  I am...freaking out!

 

This is consuming my mind, and I don't know where to turn.  Despite an upcoming bday and mini-vacation, this is all I can think about.  I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this, but I just feel really scared and unsure about what I'm doing.  I wonder if having an abortion would be the right thing after all.  

 

I guess I just need to vent!  I don't know anyone in my situation.  

 

Thanks.

post #2 of 32

Hi there, 

 

Big hugs - I understand how you feel. I am pregnant too with my first, unplanned and a big shock. I have a lot of the same worries as you do. But, I also knew that I could not go through with an abortion. 

 

Anyways, I hope some mamas who have been in your shoes can chime in on this thread and provide you with some wise words. 

 

It will be okay - really. Life has a way of suprising us sometime. The furture is never quite what we expect it to be. 

post #3 of 32

Don't change your mind and have an abortion, you will regret it everyday. EVERY day. For the rest of your life.

 

I am on my fifth pregnancy, in a great marriage, and I am also freaking out. I think this may happen even to women who have a planned pregnancy.

 

But with number 5 I can tell you:

 

I haven't gotten fat.

My vagina is still lovely.

I am a major introvert and, with 4 kids and  husband, I haven't quite died yet.

 

And we started off totally broke too. No cars, college loans, hardly any income.

 

You are going to be okay.

post #4 of 32

Oh just wanted to add, we had a "lifetime of poverty" too but it's done now! Sometimes I look back on the lean years with nostalgia. Things are much simpler when you simply can't afford anything.

 

Have you looked at photos of fetal development to see what your baby looks like? Have you considered going for an appointment to have an ultrasound? A lot of the crisis pregnancy centers now offer free ultrasound. It might help for you to see your baby. 

post #5 of 32

I'm sorry you are in this very stressful situation.  I'm sure lots of women have been in your same situation.  You have lots of important decisions to make.  Try to take a deep breath and look at your situation realistically.  How would you handle having a child?  Who would be there to support and help you?  Can you afford all the things you will need?  What resources can you take advantage of, for example, child care at your school, etc?  Life does have a way of surprising us, and everything may fall in place just fine. 

I believe many women have abortions and do not regret it at all because it was the right choice for them at the time.  If it's not the right choice for you, don't have one.  Only you can decide that.  Adoption is also an option.  Placing a child with another family is a selfless, generous act.  And with open adoption, you would still be able to see how your child grows up.  I wish you all the best as you move forward.  hug2.gif

post #6 of 32

I am not going to comment on the UAV above, except to say that it was extremely offensive to me.  No one here should be advising for or against termination.

 

Just a couple quick comments...

 

-If you continue with the pregnancy, I would advise looking for a decent-paying job that doesn't require you to be on your feet.  People have absolutely made it work, but as a former server, I just know I wouldn't want to be heavily preggo and still waiting tables.

 

-Your vagina will not be ruined!  Especially if you seek out midwifery care. 

 

hug2.gif

post #7 of 32

I agree... telling someone they will regret an abortion every day for the rest of their life is simply not true. If that is your experience, that is all it is. It is not every woman's experience.

 

To the OP - I am pregnant with my 3rd and I lost the baby weight after the 1st one and my vagina wasn't/isn't ruined. Also, I require tons of alone time and while it can be challenging having a little person attached to you 24/7 for awhile, they are only young for such a short period of time and it flies by so quickly.

 

My first was very unplanned and put things on hold for me for awhile. But I'm only 31 now and am nearing the peak of my career. Everything worked out and it will for you, too if you're willing to just take it a day at a time.

post #8 of 32

It may be possible to regret an abortion, it is also possible to regret having a child. shrug.gif Everything doesn't always turn out peachy. There are no hard and fast rules which just may be one of the most difficult things. It is common to have freak outs and regrets even with a planned pregnancy. Maybe this min-vacation would be a good time to step away from your daily life for a bit and allow you and your BF to truly decide what it is you do want. hug2.gif

post #9 of 32

Yes, this mini-vacation might be a good time for you to find some quiet time and do some soul-searching with your bf, and alone. And whatever your heart says, follow that. Don't think my heart is saying this, but it's not practical, etc. External situations and events are not written in stone, they change all the time - and like PPs said, life has a way of surprising you. Follow your heart and everything else will fall into place sooner or later.

 

Peace and love and light to you. hug2.gif

post #10 of 32

Just a reminder:  Mothering does not hold a position for or against abortion, but we do not host abortion debate. We recognize that discussion of abortion may be necessary for some members and we must, as a community, be open to helping our members talk through such things. In considering options and seeking and offering advice we ask our members to proceed with sensitivity and care and to avoid debate. Any posts that go against this will have to be removed. Any questions about this policy can be posted to Questions & Suggestions or sent to one of the administrators by PM.

Thank you.

post #11 of 32

When we got pregnant with our first we were VERY BROKE. We hardly had any money, just starting school and moving to another country. That baby is now 6 years old and the joy of our life (plus the other two who came along after:) Your emotions are very normal, I was freaking out as well. But, after three kids, while I am not exactly the same weight as before, I`m by no means fat or undesirable. My hubby can consent to that:)

Take a deep breath, it will be fine. A few years from now you will not be able to imagine your life without this child.

Take care
 

post #12 of 32

I think this is just one of those things where you can't really know for sure, until you are there. If you fear you might always regret an abortion, go with your gut. If you fear you might regret going forward- I won't lie, there are hard days. But, honestly, I've never honestly, deeply regretted my children. When my oldest was born, I was so broke it wasn't funny. I don't even know how we made it through that first year. But we did. My second was born in between semesters of school. He was 9 weeks old when I started my degree program, which was a very very competitive program (over half the original participants dropped or flunked out). Somehow, I got through it all- and a cardiac condition in pregnancy too no less. My body isn't as perfect as it once was (my vagina still is, though!) but my husband (second husband, who met me after my flaws appeared) loves it anyway. I'm still in student loan debt up to my eyeballs, and I'll probably always be broke (sigh) but life is good.

post #13 of 32

Just to let you know my experience, I had an abortion, and I dont regret it everyday of my life. However, if you dont feel right about it, then you are making the right decision by not having one.

 

You are a broke student? You should qualify for assistance, especially healthcare. You might want to look into that if you feel like the actual birth is going to set you back. Babies arent that expensive, it's the caring for them that costs money. Either you not going to work, or you finding childcare for your baby is usually what sets people back. I remember arguing to Dh when we were pg with DD about how since we would bf, cloth diaper, and not use childcare we wouldnt be spending ANY more money than normal. Then he reminded me that SAH didnt pay me $24,000 like the job I had before I got pg did! True, true.

 

If you have good accomadations (an extra room in your house, or a garage that you can set up like an apartment) you might look into hosting someone in exchange for free childcare while you work or go back to school.

 

 

When are you due?

post #14 of 32

Just chiming in, becuase you do have a third choice. Adoption. My husband was given for adoption by his part time broke unmarried mother. She loved him enough to make the best choice for him. He grew up with a great family, and when he was in college, he found his birth mom and she was waiting to welcome him. She and her family is a big part of his life now. He feel truly blessed to have had the childhood he had and for the many families in his life now.  I know not all adoption stories are so rosy, but they do exits out there. And adoption has so many different choices these days. Best of luck.

post #15 of 32

I'm sorry everyone, I didn't mean to bring up the abortion thing. It's big for me - I want to save people from the hurt I experience every day. But I do realize Mothering is not the right place for it.

post #16 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adaline'sMama View Post

You are a broke student? You should qualify for assistance, especially healthcare. You might want to look into that if you feel like the actual birth is going to set you back. Babies arent that expensive, it's the caring for them that costs money. Either you not going to work, or you finding childcare for your baby is usually what sets people back. I remember arguing to Dh when we were pg with DD about how since we would bf, cloth diaper, and not use childcare we wouldnt be spending ANY more money than normal. Then he reminded me that SAH didnt pay me $24,000 like the job I had before I got pg did! True, true. 

 

If you really want to have the baby, there are many programs out there to help you.  If you are a student and as broke as is sounds (and in the U.S.) you will qualify for medicaid, and WIC.  I also know a young couple that qualified for free child care while they were in school.  The financial aid office at your school might be able to help find a child care program.  You could also contact the school counselor, who will have lots of information on support programs/ community organizations for you.

 

It sounds like you are really trying to figure out what will be best for you and the baby and I hope everything works out for you. Panic is always a first response in these situations and think you are doing the right thing by taking the time to seek advice and figure out how you really feel about everything.

 

post #17 of 32

OP, you could go to your local planned parenthood and talk to an options counsellor. They are trained to talk to you about what parenting would look like, budgeting, or going through the adoption process, or telling you what an abortion would be like and answering questions about that.

 

(Make sure you don't go to one of those "anti-choice" pregnancy places, because the counsellors there are not there to support you and help you with your decision.)

 

Good luck!

post #18 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by MichelleZB View Post

OP, you could go to your local planned parenthood and talk to an options counsellor. They are trained to talk to you about what parenting would look like, budgeting, or going through the adoption process, or telling you what an abortion would be like and answering questions about that.

(Make sure you don't go to one of those "anti-choice" pregnancy places, because the counsellors there are not there to support you and help you with your decision.)

Good luck!

I think this is a great suggestion.

my son was also unplanned. After living most of my adult life thinking that I did not want to have children, becoming pregnant was a very scary thing. I wasn't working, I was in college, and DH (then fiancée) and I were struggling to get by. I'm not going to sugarcoat it and say we got by just fine...it was hard. Really hard. I worked at a coffee shop until my due date, where I was on my feet 8 hours a day. DS was formula fed, so we had that expense, as well as diapers and all the other things babies need. The point is, DS is now 5 and a half, and we are finally at a stage where we are comfortable financially. We have enough money to take family trips, and just recently purchased our first vehicle! It DOES get better, and like many of the pp's suggested, you do have alternate options, be they adoption, abortion, or keeping the baby. I wish you the best of luck no matter the decision you make!
post #19 of 32
Thread Starter 

thanks so much for all your input.  it is nice to hear others who have made it - and the reminder that there are so many things i can't control, no matter what i choose.  i definitely had a big freakout, imagining the worst of the worst in all possible regards.  this is one of the toughest things i've come across in my life and it is hard to weigh a battle of my heart vs. my head.  i know things will be okay no matter what - i just get huge pangs of fear, stress, and panic.  but again, it is nice to know that i'm not the only one with those feelings....so thank you!  stillheart.gif

post #20 of 32
I'm an adoptive parent married and financially secure and totally "prepared" for parenthood yet I still felt many of the emotions you described. I worried about never having time alone and I worried I could never have a career. I think that almost anyone is scared becoming a first time parent. The emotions are completely normal and so long as they don't make you act dangerously or erratically then don't put too much stock into them. Fears and worries are how we prepare for the future.

Abortion or adoption might make sense for you. Many pregnant women who choose adoption or abortion are in your situation. There are fewer of the desperate teen moms, more often they are 20-something women who know what they want in life and have a plan. They choose adoption or abortion because it fits with their educational, career, and other life goals. Some have children later in life, some don't.

Or having the baby and keeping it might make sense. There are definate positives to that:
- having children before your career rather than in the middle can be a really good career move
- sounds like you have some strong support from your bf, which is great
- you're already well-educated which is a huge benefit to a child

And remember that there are many programs that can help you obtain medical care and food for yourself and baby. If you keep the baby then money will be stretched thin but there is a government safety net.
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