Wanting more kids, BF not sure

[ValarieR]

Hi! I'm returning to the forums after many years away... life has changed so much!

I have been a single mom for 2.5 years to DS, and with my BF for a little more than a year. I want to continue having kids, sooner than later, but he keeps saying one is enough, no more. I get the impression he's scared about 1.) feeling pressured to have a ton of kids 2.) money and 3.) not being able to travel/play if we have more kids.

How do I reassure him kids will only make life BETTER?!

Thanks :)

Valarie

[grisandole]

I hope some wise women chime in :) I am not the best advice giver in this situation; but will say that one year isn't that long, and that being unsure is not the same as definitely NOT wanting one, so there is hope for sure. Men stress about it more than we do, overall. For now, in the short term, I would relax a little bit, as hard as that will be, and don't put any focus on that issue. The more he feels pressured, the more anxious he will become. 

I don't think that logic would work in this situation in terms of convincing him. I think that acknowleging the challenging aspects of having a child and then presenting the positives and focusing on that is better, when the time comes. 

Any sage advice wise mamas?  

[rubelin]

Unfortunately, I don't have supportive ideas about this. Leading experts on men & relationships say that having kids is a huge sticking point for men and there really is no budging on the subject and my experience backs this up. I wanted a 3rd baby, got a divorce instead. Once a guy's mind is made up about it, there is no changing it. You either need to be ok with not having more kids - REALLY ok, or find someone who is a better fit for your life plans. Sorry if that's harsh but this just isn't a subject that's really a debate with him.

[singin'intherain]

I don't think anyone but him can tell you if this is a "maybe, but I'm not ready now" thing, or a disguised "never". If this is really important to you, I think you should tell him you need to know which it is. It's only fair for you to know what you're in for in terms of his long term attitude about having a baby. It doesn't mean he has to decide right now, just be honest with you if he thinks he never wants another child.

Another thing is, he may not realize the profound magic of watching your own progeny come into this world. I've known more than a couple step fathers say they get it now, after having their own babies. Maybe you know a couple of fathers who would share their experiences.

Beware too, about convincing him- if he's not into it, it can be way too easy for dads to think of the child as "yours" and not involve himself.

[mamazee]

One year isn't that long, and he might just not be ready. Is there any reason why you feel it has to happen soon? I'd relax about it and give him time.

[Linda on the move]

It sounds like you want a big family, and he doesn't. "(continue having kids" is very different from wanting one more).You guys don't want the same things from your lives. If people are close in the number of desired children, they can compromise. But there isnt a comprise between a lot of children and only one child. Either one of you will end up unhappy, or you both will. There isn't a solution where you both end up happy with your lives.

[micah_mae_]

Had this happen with #3. I desperately wanted a third, dh didn't. I would have never forgiven him, he married me saying he wanted a big family. So he was lazy about condoms, I knew when I was ovulating, now expecting #3. Dh is happy now tgat the baby is coming. Maybe not the best way to have handled it but it worked out for us.

[ValarieR]

Thanks for the replies :)

 

So, we took a few days and really talked over why I want more, why I want to go ahead in the coming months and take out the IUD, etc... then why he's apprehensive, his concerns, his feelings. etc.

Then we took a few days and didn't discuss it at all, just let ourselves think separately.

I've decided I don't need a "quiver full" of kids, and he's decided he is comfy going ahead and having some kids... There was a compromise to be found after all!

So, I'm sitting here, just counting days until I can lose the IUD :P

Thanks again!

[grisandole]

Congrats! I'm so happy that it worked out for you :)