Lonely mamas « Back to Group Discussions

[Teles]

At the risk of being a Debbie Downer, is there anyone else out there who is kind of isolated and lonely in pregnancy so far?

I have one friend who is pregnant or even in the family mental space right now. We met because our husbands work together and we discovered that we were both TTC at the same time, but it's becoming more and more obvious that we are completely different people with very different life experiences and goals. For example, we just got into a bit of a fight about spanking. She insists that she's going to do it, regardless of what anyone says or anything she reads that may suggest otherwise. I flat out told her that she can do what she wants, but I'm not comfortable with her spanking her children in front of me or my kids, so now she is angry and I'm sort of left without the one personal interaction I had where I could talk about pregnancy or motherhood.

I just don't know where to go to find other people like me who have similar beliefs on the matter (or at least open-minded), I can't afford to join any pre-natal yoga classes or anything, and there are only two prenatal classes being offered but both will be in December. My husband does what he can, but even he can only go so far and he's far of this new journey with me, so it's not like he has any different experiences to bring to the table.

Anyone have any suggestions?

[rachieface]

I feel for you, Teles. My first pregnancy was a little like that--I was way ahead of my college friends when it came to having the first baby, and so although they did try to be supportive it was really lonely at times. I felt like I was invited to do less after they knew I was pregnant, too.

Anyway, I don't have a ton of suggestions, although my experience is that it is so much easier now, three years later. After I had my first son, it took some time but I feel well connected into a mom community now. There is hope!

Ideas...

- La Leche League? I haven't been to one but I've heard they're very welcoming to expecting moms. Maybe later in your pregnancy?

- Faith community...many of my momma friends are from church, although I know that's not an option for everyone.

- Prenatal yoga/pilates classes. Some of my friends made some of their friends there.

- Post in "Finding Your Tribe" on Mothering and see if anyone in your area wants to get together. I met some of my good friends that way in a "real life" gathering of Mothering moms. Then you are assured to at least share some things in common.

I hope others have more ideas for you. These huge life changes can be rough.

[Adaline'sMama]

This was me in my first pregnancy. Second time moms can go to playgroups to talk to other moms. Its not fair!

I second the LLL. There will be pregnant women there, there always are :)

Plus, you have us

ETA: Also, its likely that you'll have more interactions when you are further along. When people can tell that you are obviously pregnant, they tend to talk to you a lot more about it. Youre a teacher, right? Ill bet before you know it all your coworkers and students moms will be telling you all about all of their pregnancies.

[Teles]

I'm a therapist working in a small program (with only 4 coworkers, all of whom are over 40 and have adult children or no interest in kids), working exclusively with sexual offenders. Unfortunately, this means that casually chatting about children is not an option, since most of them offended against kids.

I am really thankful for you guys and this forum, because at least I know it's available for support and/or advice, but it's always a little better to meet with someone in person. I tried the tribe thing a while ago but it was unsuccessful since I'm from a smaller part of Canada. I also don't belong any any organized religion and the prenatal yoga classes around here are insanely expensive.

I will try that LLL idea, though. I'm reading a book by that group right now and they seem fairly level-headed. I also googled it out of desperation and discovered that there was an ad posted by a woman who is going to be a first-time mom and is new in town looking for friends, so hopefully that will pan out.

Gah! There should be a special, first-time pregnancy social group in every city, especially since it seems that I'm not the only one who has gone through this.

[odinsmama]

Yes, definitely get to LLL or find a moms group.  Even if you don't have a babe in arms you could show up to a playgroup or something.  Moms will understand the need to get out and meet other like minded folks.

Sometimes moms groups will also do "moms night out" if you think you'd feel odd showing up to a playgroup without a babe on the outside.  If you're on facebook you might be able to find groups in your area.

I live in a small town and even here there are facebook groups for LLL, moms, babywearing moms, homeschoolers and probably some I'm not aware of.  It's really easy to connect with others on there because you can just post a quick message to the group if you're going to the park or whatever and invite other moms along.

[BaMo]

I second/third getting involved with LLL. With both of my first two pregnancies, I was new in town. I went to LLL meetings to connect with like-minded moms and found my closest friends there.

[shazrael]

I second the LLL. I moved to a new city and felt lost until I found an amazing play group for my toddler through LLL. Another potential avenue is Meetup.com. My region has a ton of moms groups ranging from the mainstream Mom's Club to the Eco Moms and a Cloth Diapering Circle. Some groups charge $10-15 a year, but almost all will let you join for a month or so for free to see if it is the right group for you. 

I hope you find some people you can connect with. I think almost all new mothers go through some very lonely days before they find their own circle. I hope this passes quickly for you.

[Adaline'sMama]

Also, I dont know where you live, but lots of medium sized cities have local babywearers clubs. That is usually a great place to meet like minded pregnant mamas.

[etsdtm99]

everything everyone else said - LLL is wonderful - i wouldn't have any like minded mom friends if iit weren't for LLL (not in the 1st 5 years anyway, once we got to 'school age' i met several moms through homeschool groups)  The thing with LLL, in my experience, is you need to stick with it a while - sometimes new/pregnant moms show up to a meeting that doesn't apply to them or is too intimidating and they never come back  - i started attending meetings with my oldest was 2 months old and for a long time i didn't feel like i could relate to anyone outside of the breastfeeding experience..  and if i had still been pregnant i wouldn't have even had that so i wonder if i would have kept going.. once my DD got older it all came together..  Another idea, once your baby comes is to look for library story times for infants - they are more about moms anyway (and free)   i met a lot of moms that way once my DD was 4-6 months old  --  it really is important to find new mom friends right now if you can - at least to know you tried, i wish i had tried harder iwth my first, i didn't and nearly all of my mom friends have kids the ages of my younger 2 - my oldest is always the oldest at every get together and it can be frustrating for her.. i wish i'd found her more friends when she was a baby.. not that it isn't possible now, it just seems like it would have been easier for both of us because people go out to these kidns of groups more when they have just 1 baby .. now that i'm pg with #4 its harder to find moms who are in the same or near the smae stage..  
 

[JessNP]

Wow these are great ideas! I am in the same boat as you Teles. I have no one around me who is pregnant or even has young children. My sister is 45 and my nieces and nephew (who I'm insanely close to) are all teenagers now. My problem is that I am so friggin' old! I know its not uncommon to see pregnant woman in their late 30s and early 40s, but other women "my age" have teenagers or kids in college. I never planned on being pregnant at 41 and I know that people are very judgmental. Before I was pregnant, I used to hear other moms talk about older moms and say things like "She's crazy...she has no idea what she's in for" or "her career was more important than her family" It is very lonely and my DH is still having trouble warming up to the idea. That is why I am so glad that I have this forum. I can come here anytime 24/7 and I don't even have to leave my house 

[kat216]

I feel the same way. The only friend or family I have with kids is my sister-in-law, and, well, I don't think we're going to get along as moms! She had 2 very medical/induced births, does CIO, spanking, etc... Which are all things I really don't want to do! So far this site has been my saving grace--we're not crazy, other moms believe and do the things we plan to do! Once I get farther in my pregnancy (because otherwise I feel out of place, I guess) I want to go to the local LLL and AP meetups.

[TallToriV]

Well! Now that you mention it, yes. I'm very isolated right now. I guess I just don't mind at all because I naturally want to be alone and think - probably way too much - when a big change is coming. I'm much more comfortable interacting with the MDC folks right now, when I'm still wobbly in my opinions on all of this new stuff and don't want to deal with unsympathetic people who think I'm a crazy hippy, lol.

BUT I'm moving to a new area in two months, and I really, really appreciate this thread because I'll be using these ideas once I get there. We're going into military housing, so there's a very strong sort of unavoidable mom community there already. It's one reason I wanted to switch to housing, but I also know what those communities can be like. I know I'll want friends who have like-minded views on childrearing, not just folks who share the military thing. LLL it is!

Teles, sending you hugs! While I'm not feeling it right now, I really did go through this a couple of years ago when I got married. My friends were all (ALL) hard drinking, go-out-every-weekend partiers on the prowl! So were DH's - he's younger than I am, and a Marine, so that's pretty much all they did, too. And while I was thrilled to have a new lifestyle, it was very, very difficult at first to get comfy. I felt abandoned, I felt like I hadn't had any REAL friends all along, or surely they'd still be wanting to hang out, I felt like I was the odd one out for doing something different, you name it. But I just kept really exploring the feelings as they came up, and eventually they changed. You'll find the right folks, and until you do, the time alone really is helping you get a strong foundation for what's coming, even if it's totally icky and gross right now. I promise!

[odinsmama]

Lots of great ideas!!!

I'd just like to add, for all you first-time mamas, to push yourself to get to an LLL meeting while you are still pregnant, even if it's when you're 8 months.  I'd say start going whenever you're ready (there will be lots to learn), but go to at least one meeting (usually only held once a month) before baby comes.  I encourage this for a few reasons:

1- If you do run into any problems with nursing, you're more likely to call the leader for help if you've already met her in person.

2- It may be easier to strike up a couple friendships *before* you have a little one who needs constant feeding and bottom-cleaning, regardless of if you're in the middle of a conversation.  :)

3- If you have never seen anyone nursing in real life, it can be a big help to just see real moms doing it before it's your turn.  Whether it helps you see comfortable positions for holding, what a correct latch looks like, or even just seeing a room full of moms who have made it work... it will be an encouragement to you in the early hours, days, weeks to know that there are moms out there to help you if you need it!

There are a lot of connections made through my LLL meetings and many times the moms at the meetings will know of other groups who meet and you'll definitely be able to at least meet one or two moms who you can connect with.

[whoabethy]

also, maybe try out a prenatal yoga or fitness class? a smaller neighborhood studio is likely to have mamas who come again and again. a great place to meet friends! also, we met a lot of friends in childbirth class!
 

[meli-mello]

This was me with my first too. None of our friends were having children (and now we are on #3 and they still aren't - and it isn't like we are young either) and so I knew NO ONE who was going through what I was going through. I found it really hard to put myself out there at first and I will admit that a) it felt like I was the only one making the effort and b) it was often me and the nannies hanging out at the playground. However this is what I learned: you only need one or two good friends to make you feel a whole lot less lonely. I met one couple at our local community centre that hosted a "Stay and Play" twice a week. This couple had a daughter born two weeks after mine and our girls are now best friends and we see each other once a week and text all the time and even try to hang out without the girls once in a while. In fact my husband hired her husband when he was looking for work and my second daughter loves this woman like another mother (the surest way to DD#2 heart is through her stomach). I really lucked out there (except Mum & daughter spend half the year in Thailand and I want to cry every time they leave). The other friend I made was through a mutual dude friend who was like, "Hey - Jen's knocked up too and you both like to sew so you should totally hang out." An odd recommendation I know but it has worked out well. We only see each other with the kids (she has two who are close in age to my two and is trying to have another one) because we both like to spend the weekends with our husbands but we usually rotate houses once a week. So, when both friends are in town that's two playdates a week and really that is all I can handle anyway.

That got a little long-winded but I just wanted to share - even if it turned out to be all me me me! The truth is that just because you meet another woman who is going to have a baby/is a new Mum doesn't mean you are going to have anything in common with them and that was a hard lesson for me to learn - I think I probably stank of desperation in the beginning. In my city there are a number of baby groups being held out of community centres so that is a good place to look. We also have an Attachment Parenting Group that used to meet once or twice a week in a community centre and I went often when I was pregnant with #2 so DD1 could see other Mummy's nursing (I had to stop nursing her around 10 months) and it is a great resource to have except that I never really connected with anyone there.

I also really liked the suggestion someone made about signing up for a baby wearing class or a group like that. I don't know if that is available in your area. I know if Halifax there are a couple of good baby stores that might offer something like that but I don't know where you are.

[loveandgarbage]

A prenatal yoga class is a good suggestion (as are LLL and AP groups, etc). I loved taking a prenatal yoga class. I didn't make any friendship bonds with any moms per se, but it was nice to talk to women going through the same things as me. And I was even on my second pregnancy and STILL didn't have any mom friends.The cost IS really high, though. I could only afford mine because we used some of our tax return money to pay for it!  Do yoga studios around you offer scholarships for a discounted rate? There are a couple here that do, but I have yet to take advantage of that. I was in a similar spot to many on here I think-- had my first two before any of my pre-kid friends were even thinking of babies (I was in my early to mid twenties). And this time around, my pre-kid friends for the most part still don't have kids! Luckily now I've made many mom friends, which I chalk up to living in a small city that attracts a lot of AP-minded parents. 

[typebug]

Yes, I'll admit to feeling isolated. All my friends work full time with late hours, hubby gets home after 9pm so I don't have anyone to talk to monday to friday. I too am trying to find a prenatal yoga class that's reasonable and filled with people I want to hang out with. 

[joyriders]

this summer has been especially hot/uncomfortable here in new york and the thought of subway stairs most of the time makes me want to curl up in a ball. combined with the fact i work from home and my SO has pretty long hours (8-6 plus ~45 minutes to get home not including any errands) and i've been pretty isolated lately. i'm really hoping for a very mild/cool fall so i can try and enjoy some of my days out of the house...because right now the heat and humidity just saps my will to live.