would you forgo working for a while if you could?

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I think I am losing it, I had a breakdown about going back to work. I keep applying for many jobs but get call backs only on daycare jobs, and somehow every postion changes once I am there, the 3 year old 4 days a week job turned into an infant 5 day a week job. I got an offer. I thought i would think about it, and then I lost it. I broke down. I mentally CANNOT care for some peoples babies while my baby is elsewhere freaking out that I left her.

My spousal/child support combined is 2500$ a month, I cannot afford to keep the house on this alone. I could, however afford a duplex or apartment on this amount. I truly believe that kids should be with their parents/mom for the first 2-3 years of life, I truly believe in attachment parenting. Everyone is advising against this idea, everyone but the stbx. He is not thrilled about the kids going to daycare either especially dd. I told him if you are going to end up paying 400-500 a month for daycare if i work, (if I split it) then why not just give me that money to go back and get my teaching license? Really that would be the best bet. My lawyer is totally against me relying on him, but really then what is the darn point of ss/cs? He make 100000$ a year probably more next year, he is not going to let our kids starve, I mean seriously?>

So would you do that plan if you could? Would you continue to rely on the stbx/xh if it meant staying with your child until they were 2 or 3? Right now she is 15.5 months. I have looked into programs and could get a restrictive teaching license in about a year or maybe 1.5 years to teach high school english. It could buy me some time, so I could get a job that actually is a living wage and would start around the time my spousal support ends.

[*MamaJen*]

So your choices are:

1. Get a low-paying hourly wage job that you would hate now, or

2. Spend a year and a half having your ex, who makes significant money, support you while you get the education to get a living wage job that you would enjoy?

Girl. Go get educated. That seems like a great investment in your future, and alimony only lasts for a few years. One thing to remember is that even with an online program, you might still need some supplemental child care -- but it wouldn't be full-time care and could even be the pre-teen neighbor down the street watching your baby for a couple hours a few times a week. I think the only thing that would hold me back is if your ex is super flaky and you think he might suddenly stop paying. Another option is selling or reletting the house and moving into a smaller apartment without the extra cash from your ex.

[MichelleZB]

Yes indeed! If your ex is willing to work out this arrangement with you, it benefits the kid and her whole future. Do it!

Alternately, if you just can't, perhaps you could find a childcare job where you can take your daughter with you?

[floss&ferd]

I second getting rid of the house and going back to school.   If you can't afford the house on $2500 then a child care job isn't going to make much difference.  I've worked those jobs.  The pay doesn't increase with time.  (And the benefits are usually bad and expensive.)

If you think he will actually pay the support then go for it!

[rubelin]

I totally would and sort of have. I get about the same in support payments and it almost covers living expenses for me and my 2 kids. I work very part time at home (sewing) to get a little extra to make up the difference but have stayed living in my very cheap for LosAngeles rental house and have been super frugal but haven't bothered with a low-wage out of the house job because it wouldn't be helpful with daycare costs on top of it.

I second MamaJen's idea to sell or rent your house (for enough to cover the mortgage & taxes) and move into a smaller place. You & a baby would be fine in a 1 bdrm apartment for the next couple of years until you've got your degree and can get a great job.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I do have 2 kiddos I am going to look at a duplex tomorrow, the stbx quill keep the house, I will get a small settlement as well. As of now I work 2 hours a week so that makes me 80$ a month and I can bring the kids. Thanks for thr support, knew u ladies would understand where I am coming from.

[EllyBell]

I agree on having him help you get your education, sounds like a sweet deal to me.  If you own the house, do whatever you can to keep it.  Can you get a roommate to help with bills?  Watch some kiddos in your home?  Move & rent out the house? 

[hillymum]

Go get an education and qualification!!! In the long run that will do you far more good! 

[sparklefairy]

In general, I agree with your lawyer. Being financially stable without maintenance and child support should be every single parents' goal.

In this case, I can't see how doing a job with no potential for financial independence now or in the future is going to get you to a place where you are not reliant on your ex or on someone else. If you can't afford the house on what he's able to pay, you're certainly not going to be able to afford it if he suddenly stops paying.

Do get the education, though.
 

[Findingstrength]

Only if you are going to school too. I stayed home with my children when they were small. It was very difficult to re enter the work place. I went to interview after interview trying to sell what I had. I know I'm a good teacher but after nine years at home all my experience and references were old.

[mmace]

My ex left when our kids were 9, 5, and 4 months old.  I was a SAHM then and I still am now, nine years later.  I've done some part time work, but you know what - I disagree that becoming financially able to care for the kids by myself should be my goal - I did not decide alone to have them, so why should I ever have to support them alone?  I was able to scrimp and save and stretch that child support (no spousal support) and my part time work and stay at home all that time and I don't regret it for a minute - and neither do my kids.  My oldest is 19 now and we've had lots of conversations about it and she told me recently "Mom, I never realized we were poor..."  I'm remarried now and still a SAHM and I have no regrets at all.

[DCMama01]

I agree with your lawyer, particularly in this economy.

Your ex sounds like a decent guy, but you're relying on his job being secure (hours/pay could be reduced, he could get sick), him continuing to be willing to support your lifestyle (things could change if/when he meets someone new or you do),or requesting a different custody arrangement and SAH right now puts you in worse footing later to find a job. Grads are coming out of school without a job left and right. Experience is what gets you in the door. In your shoes, I would move to an apartment, work part-time in a field related to what I'm interested in (could mean finding something within the school system, becoming a nanny who can bring her own kids to work, working with high schoolers in some capacity) while going to school. My best friend is a MS math teacher and it required LOTS of classroom hours and research, so you wouldn't be home FT with your DC anyway while schooling. There are lots of former SAHM attorneys and recent law schoolgrads who are having it rough entering the workforce, because the market changed so drastically in 2009.

Going to school and working with kids can be done, but it requires discipline, creativity, and determination. If you do decide to quit, you should work up until you start school and stick with it.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

well my update:

I have been divorced for 6 weeks, I moved to a duplex in october and I am still looking for employment, my mortgage was 1600$ and my rent is 900$ so that alone has taken a huge burden from me. I have applied for hundreds of jobs and have only gotten a handful of interviews. I am applying for jobs I would hate, but some I would enjoy and it really doesn't matter all that much. My lack of customer service, inability to work whenever is making me a hard employee to sell. My xdh works mandatory weekends so I cannot work odd jobs like that. Or perhaps I won't, if it does not fit my lifestyle or my childrens I will not do it. Babysitters or nanny's are very expensive 10-15hr so odd hours would cost me a lot even with xdh helping out. I will not have my kids bounced around from house to house barely seeing their parents. My DS is in school all day, and my DD is not even 2 yet so I am really particular on the hours I will work. I have no family to help nearby, they all live 30 miles away from any potential jobs and I would still have to pay them anyway. My xdh is required to pay his support obligations it goes through the state, there is no, oops he didn't pay, it is all very formal. I get spousal support until october 2014, I will do what I have to, I have applied for a grad school program to get a teachers certificate and I am still in the application process. It is really hard to get all this stuff squared away, but ultimately I am doing my very best as I can trying to find the right fit for me and the kids.

ETA: I am still working the nursery job at the church which is helping build my resume and has introduced me to a lot of people in the community and some have offered to babysit when I need it. Going through the divorce, figuring out my new living arrangements etc, I was very torn on how to proceed. But now that things are mostly settled I am able to think more clearly about my path and even though getting my teachers certificate is the ultimate desire and goal, I will continue to pursue all aspects and if something comes along that the hours are a right fit and the pay good enough  I will not hesitate to work it.

Also to clarify I have 2 children that would need childcare, my xdh works late hours, so any job for me that entails working past 5:30 is not feasible as 5-6 is when daycares etc close, I have to work around his  schedule because we have no family to pickup our kids from daycare/afterschool programs when they end and to hire someone to do so would cost too much money.

Edited by ILoveMyBabyBird - 1/2/13 at 9:55am

[mommy68]

Can your child/ren attend the daycare you work at? Isn't that what most people do?

I have 3 children, ages 17, 10 and 3 and I work night shifts, 12 hours a night 3 nights a week at a hospital as a CNA. It can be done! My exhusband helps. And my 3 yr old goes to daycare on the mornings after I work so I can sleep. I don't feel guilty about it. She is learning and enjoys it.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

Originally Posted by mommy68 

Can your child/ren attend the daycare you work at? Isn't that what most people do?

I have 3 children, ages 17, 10 and 3 and I work night shifts, 12 hours a night 3 nights a week at a hospital as a CNA. It can be done! My exhusband helps. And my 3 yr old goes to daycare on the mornings after I work so I can sleep. I don't feel guilty about it. She is learning and enjoys it.

The current job I work is sundays only for church services and I do bring my kids with. There is no potential for more hours or pay with that church. Sure they could attend if I worked at a daycare, but most centers do not offer a discount until a child is 2 years old. I attempted a daycare job and it was not at all what i expected and just reaffirmed my choice to be a stay at home mom and I will go at any and all lengths to keep my toddler out of a big daycare center while she is still a toddler. It was going to cost me 45$(that was with a discount btw) a day to keep my dd in the center plus 21$ a day for my son's before and after school program. I personally do not wish to work in a daycare as it has nothing to do with my degree and it is pretty much a dead end job, making 9-11 an hour is not going to support my family. I am not opposed to having a sitter or using a small in home daycare center for my daughter but I have to have a job that has normal hours for an in home sitter or pay outrageous prices for someone to come to my home. I have to go through the courts to get xh to pay daycare expenses and that takes time, so I want to make sure my job is worthwhile before i jump through all those hoops to do so.

On the up side I applied for 2 part-time positions this week. 1 a nanny position which i could bring my dd with me and 2 a job for the county that would require 1 saturday every other weekend but i could work around that because the other hours are normal. I will not qualify for childcare assistance because i get too much in support for xh. 

[Basylica]

damn....I'm sorry but if my ex had made 2500/mth I could have been a SAHM. instead my ex refused to even consider looking for a new job despite being severely underpaid for what he did. his company expected kids right out of trade school and college to work there for 6-12m and move on with experience. industry standard for his job title is 60K with 5yrs of exp. he's been with that company for 12+ years and hit salary cap 9 years ago and has a degree. he makes 1600/mth.

I didn't have the luxury of the option sadly, I couldn't make the math work no matter what I did. ex pays a whopping 500/mth in CS for two kids and when we initially seperated kids were 1 and 4 and I was paying 1300/mth in daycare.

I was making nearly half of what I make now when we seperated, and now i'm pulling down nearly 6 figures. I have to say even though all I EVER wanted growing up was to be a SAHM and wanted to homeschool and I can bake like nobody's biz and sew and knit and all that jazz....I think it would drive be batty at this point to NOT work.

course realistically I worked 3 fulltime jobs when I was 18/19, did 18hrs of college while working 40hrs a week, and then took 6hrs of college while working close to 80hrs a week.

I've never been one able to NOT work.

heck, despite my crazy job and schedule (i'd be lucky to get in 4hrs of sleep most nights for the last 6 years) I have talked about trying to find a parttime job to squeeze in and my sis thought I was off my nut. The idea of a job where I clocked in and clocked out and went home sounded like a vacation to me. LOL.

seriously tho, 2500 is huge and you are very lucky.

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

well i got a job offer for a temp job and now I am reluctant to take it because the lady who had offered to watch DD wants to charge 50$ a day and I also need to pay for DS's care. XH is not being cooperative which means i would have to go back to court to get more support and it just does not seem feasible at the time given the commute, daycare costs and being away from my kids 45+ hours a week. I am so freaking sad. I thought I could get XH on board for the daycare without the courts. Shoot I think I should give up and soak up my darn spousal support payments, and focus my time on getting my teaching license. I wanted to avoid more student loans but honestly I am beginning to think they may be worth it to have this little time with my DD for even 8 more months until next school year. I am very budget conscious so I can live within my means, I was thinking of truly getting ahead with some temp work and finishing off some debt. Ex just informed me he also will not guarantee helping me at all with dropping the kids in the morning which makes taking this job impossible. When I applied for these jobs I asked him point blank if he would help me and he said, get job and then we will work out the hours, guess what I got a job and he will not help me go figure.

[sparklefairy]

That's been my experience with my ex too. He hasn't taken on any parenting responsibility beyond having the kids at his house when it's convenient for him. I have learned that if I make plans based on his contribution then I will likely have to cancel the plans. So I have learned to make back up plans.